Page 7 | Partner and 18 year old?

Cuppacakey · 2023-10-01T04:12:44+00:00

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not. a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends. Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner. Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable? we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

Captainspaulding · 02/10/2023 08:00

Same happened with me. Him 35 her just gone 18. He was her boss. Told me she was a lesbian so I wouldn't suspect anything. All came out in the end. Found her hair all over his car, password on phone etc. I ended up having a breakdown all the denial gaslightighting. She knew he was married with kids..he knew he had a family at home. None of them innocent Both as bad as each other imo

TerfTalking · 02/10/2023 08:10

You are not wrong.
He is making you feel like you are the irrational one.
This way, you will question yourself and apologise and he has a free rein to do whatever he likes.
I strongly suspect there is something going on, or at the very least the intention to do something.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 08:13

If he comes back I’d be calm and help him pack. Tell him you can’t live with a gaslighting predator of young girls. That it’s more than a little creepy and perverted at his age and stage of life. And he’s given you the ick.
All him how he’d feel If it was one of your DC who was 18 and being chased by a 35yr old. What wood he think then?🤮

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 08:13

Would not wood
bad autocorrect

smilesup · 02/10/2023 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fucking hell. Talk about victim blaming. It's an offence for those in a position of power to have a relationship with pupils for good reason.

MsDogLady · 02/10/2023 08:19

That cavalier ‘See ya’ was him brazening it out to scare you, but this Cake Eater was very likely bricking it that his side action has been rumbled and his home comforts jeopardized. He will be telling teen GF that they need to lay low for a while.

His silent treatment is a form of abuse, just like his overt bullying. He still thinks he can coerce you to back down. Don’t bend, even if he switches to manipulative sweet talk. Pack his things and leave them outside, and, if he shows up, gray rock and send him on his way. At this point I wouldn’t get into a discussion or give him the opportunity to lie and manipulate. ‘I’m not ready to talk.’ Contact arrangements should be done by email.

anareen · 02/10/2023 08:26

HerAvatar · 01/10/2023 17:42

I know it seems extreme but honestly OP I'd be gone, but I do have a particularly strong aversion to creepy men. And he is being creepy, she's barely more than a child and he is a grown adult who should know better.

His response is very telling, any decent man would be horrified that anyone might think he was interested in a girl of barely 18 and doing everything he can to repair that impression, the fact that he's not means he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

And that's before we even get to the lack of care and respect he's showing for you, again any decent man would be wanting to know how he's managed to make you feel like this and what he can do to fix it. His anger is pure DARVO and a complete refusal to take any accountability for his own actions, and I can't see how you can possibly have any sort of healthy relationship with a man like that.

This!

MardyBra · 02/10/2023 08:32

Haven’t RTFT (just OP’s posts), but has anybody pointed out that uncle/niece relationships are illegal under incest laws. If there is something going on, of course.
Edit. Actually just double checked. They can’t marry under law definitely. But even so, it’s a bit suss.

SpidersAreShitheads · 02/10/2023 08:33

MardyBra · 02/10/2023 08:32

Haven’t RTFT (just OP’s posts), but has anybody pointed out that uncle/niece relationships are illegal under incest laws. If there is something going on, of course.
Edit. Actually just double checked. They can’t marry under law definitely. But even so, it’s a bit suss.

Edited

It’s the niece’s friend, not the niece.

Repts · 02/10/2023 08:34

They're not related - it's the friend of the niece that OP is concerned about

MardyBra · 02/10/2023 08:35

Sorry. Should read better.

fuacks · 02/10/2023 08:40

MardyBra · 02/10/2023 08:35

Sorry. Should read better.

No - the OP was pretty incoherent. I had to read it several times to work out who was 17 (I initially thought it was the partner, from the way it was written), and who was related to whom.

In a situation like this, I'm not sure the braying "LTB" mob is very helpful. The partner sounds as if he has form and sounds pretty horrible in his attitude to the OP generally - but I'm on the fence as regards his relationship with the 18 yr old. It could be entirely innocent, it could be a rather inappropriate crush on both or either sides, or it could be an affair. We don't know, and it doesn't help the OP to stoke up the drama.

Chanhedforthis · 02/10/2023 08:40

I had this with EXH OP.

I eventually left him as i found him in a caravan with a 17 year old, he was 30.

This was about 13 years ago, hes now in his 40s, sad and lonely, karma.

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 02/10/2023 08:50

The partner sounds as if he has form and sounds pretty horrible in his attitude to the OP generally - but I'm on the fence as regards his relationship with the 18 yr old.
I know your partner is a prick and treats you like shit, but he MIGHT not be banging an 18 year old he is acting wildly inappropriately with, so you should try and make it work because it could be worse 🤯

MountainChalet · 02/10/2023 08:51

Chestnutz · 02/10/2023 04:52

Do you have contact with his sibling? (His nieces parents). Depending on how well you know them it might be worth considering saying that you’re a bit concerned that your partner/ex was behaving oddly around his nieces friend.

I would have a word with them too.

BustyLaRoux · 02/10/2023 08:53

Affair or not, his behaviour is very odd and creepy. Cruel even. The fact he’s had highly inappropriate interactions before, and lied about them, doesn’t look good. I don’t think I would want to be with a man who was attracted to an 18 year old girl and waved whatever they were doing under my nose in such a brazen and defiant way. It’s weird and incredibly disrespectful to you. I’m sure he’ll be back. It’s up to you whether you stand your ground. I think you should, but it’s really your decision.

MardyBra · 02/10/2023 08:55

fuacks · 02/10/2023 08:40

No - the OP was pretty incoherent. I had to read it several times to work out who was 17 (I initially thought it was the partner, from the way it was written), and who was related to whom.

In a situation like this, I'm not sure the braying "LTB" mob is very helpful. The partner sounds as if he has form and sounds pretty horrible in his attitude to the OP generally - but I'm on the fence as regards his relationship with the 18 yr old. It could be entirely innocent, it could be a rather inappropriate crush on both or either sides, or it could be an affair. We don't know, and it doesn't help the OP to stoke up the drama.

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Yes I was thinking the partner was 17 to start with too. Apologies again for the distraction.

Royaly82 · 02/10/2023 08:55

It may not seem like it now but him leaving is the best thing that could happen to you. He sounds vile!!!

PixieLaLar · 02/10/2023 08:58

So sorry OP he is behaving appallingly. Ok maybe it was something over nothing (although sounds creepy IMO) his behaviour after is shocking. Being defensive, turning it round on you, putting a lock on his phone and now saying he’s going to meet her because you’ve kicked him out. That’s not how you treat a partner.

fuacks · 02/10/2023 09:04

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 02/10/2023 08:50

The partner sounds as if he has form and sounds pretty horrible in his attitude to the OP generally - but I'm on the fence as regards his relationship with the 18 yr old.
I know your partner is a prick and treats you like shit, but he MIGHT not be banging an 18 year old he is acting wildly inappropriately with, so you should try and make it work because it could be worse 🤯

I personally thought the whole thing was a load of unnecessary drama on the parts of both the OP and her partner. Going from "I'm not sure what to think" to "I've kicked him out" sounds like a soap opera.

He may well be a vile little man who's getting his end away with an 18 yr old, but I think I'd want to have a grown-up discussion about it if I were in that situation. I have a lock on my phone, btw, and have absolutely nothing to hide.

pizzaHeart · 02/10/2023 09:14

I don’t think you were wrong to raise it OP. His behaviour was very weird. It’s inappropriate to give this girl a lift , and to add her on FB and all these hugs and kisses.
I have some of my DD’s friends (around that age, some older) as my friends on FB but only if I know them well and she added them first. I might like one of 2 their posts where they are volunteering, posting about a place at college/ new job or passing driving test . That’s about it.

I know there is no proof but when there is nothing - you see nothing and you can clearly see something going on in this situation.

pizzaHeart · 02/10/2023 09:18

fuacks · 02/10/2023 09:04

I personally thought the whole thing was a load of unnecessary drama on the parts of both the OP and her partner. Going from "I'm not sure what to think" to "I've kicked him out" sounds like a soap opera.

He may well be a vile little man who's getting his end away with an 18 yr old, but I think I'd want to have a grown-up discussion about it if I were in that situation. I have a lock on my phone, btw, and have absolutely nothing to hide.

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But @fuacks OP tried to have grown up discussion about it, it’s her DP who turned it into a big drama. He didn’t want sit and talk , he just dismissed OP’s (very reasonable) concerns and refused to talk.

Original poster

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 09:18

@fuacks
I did try to discuss it with my partner. The first time I said maybe he needs to be aware that she might have a crush on him and his over friendliness could be seen as something more from her side. He shut me down saying he was bored of talking and walked away.
I tried raising it again later and he called me mental and that he didn't need to delete photos of the girl or remove her from Facebook. That I could sulk about it but he's done talking about it. His phone was going off and that's when I noticed he had changed the settings as messenger popped up and no name or message. He had put a passcode lock on his phone either overnight or after I raised the issue of why he took photos of the 18 year old. I too have a passcode lock but my partner knows the passcode. It's only on there incase I lose my phone. I have nothing to hide.
I only wanted to be able to talk with my partner and iron it out. I didn't expect it to go the way it did and be made to feel like my concern was mental. Even if we remove the incident of him giver her a lift and taking photos of her etc I should still be able to communicate with a willing partner and one that is open and transparent?

OP posts:

Graciebobcat · 02/10/2023 09:21

ClareBlue · 01/10/2023 10:37

And older men can be flattered by the attentions of 17 year old young women and arent always innocent either.

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Rewriting this for the 21st century - 17 year old minors can have their head turned by the attentions of predatory older adults (especially men, though women also sometimes do this) who groom them and are old enough to know better.

Jillybloop393 · 02/10/2023 09:28

Lostcotter · 02/10/2023 00:46

The fact that he even said that was his plan. is gross whether he does or not. A 35 year old using an 18 year old girl to try and make you feel jealous and insecure is very alarming.That response shows he’s definitely capable of it.

She probably lives at home with her parents so he can’t go to here even if he wanted, but don’t be surprised if you find out later she’s been at the caravan.

I think you did the right thing by taking action, especially when it’s likely he already cheated before just two months after you’ve given birth. I think he’s been gaslighting you for a while and you’ve lost sight of what’s acceptable or not.

Stand your ground and it will get better.

This. You're not mental - he's in the wrong and trying to put the blame on you. His treatment towards you is appalling (even if he's not 'doing the deed' with the eighteen year old girl). It all points to the fact that he's as guilty a. f. Pack his stuff, dump it outside, don't let the lying shit back in, he'll never change .... this isn't the first time he's done it, and it won't be the last. Your gain, his loss.