PLEASE Stop shaming me for breastfeeding

[thisbetheverse]

15 month old daughter, genuinely get some sort of judgemental comment every week. Why is it like that? It’s literally what breasts are made to do!

today it was from a teenager! A 17 year old. I’ve had family members, mum friends, school friends, complete strangers, people I work with all make the same comments ‘oooo STILL?’ ‘When are you stopping!’ ‘You poor thing’

has anyone got any tips on how to respond? I plan to breastfeed until she’s 2 but have started just saying to people I’m stopping soon just to move the conversation along. But then I’m left feeling like I should be ashamed.

I'm keen to hear from those on the camp of ew it’s gross after 1 year old too - please can you explain why and how it makes you feel? Also is this a British thing?

even partner thinks it’s weird!

I breastfed mine until 22 months (at which point he just weaned himself off- would have happily carried on longer), but it was only first thing in the morning and last thing at night, so maybe slightly different to your situation as nobody actually saw me breastfeeding him for the last 10 months or so, he never asked for boobs or milk etc.

I did always get shock/surprise ‘when are you going to stop?’ from people though when they realised that I was still breastfeeding him.

A smug ‘well it’s worth it as it gets him to sleep easily and he sleeps through the night and has done since 3 months old… oh and he’s never ill either’ would usually shut them up! 🤣

PS. Before anyone flames me, I am well aware that his good sleeping habits could just be pure luck, but in my circle of friends the breastfed babies/toddlers do happen to be better sleepers, so that’s the line I go with.

The benefits for immunity continue for as long as you do it. Breastfeeding is very helpful when they’re teething or poorly or about to have a tantrum or fall over and scuff their knees.

Breastmilk doesn’t lose anything as your child gets older that it had when they were under 1. And what’s wrong with doing what comforts a baby or toddler you love and want to nurture, never mind nourish, in the easiest most convenient way possible? I do all sorts of things for my children that comfort them.

I need water to survive, I also enjoy coffee and gin so I drink those too.

Are you doing it on the bus?

@EcoLife this is great thank you for sharing! I actually thought it didn’t really have nutritional value after starting solids properly so it’s good to know there is more benefit than just giving comfort

They’re just weird / prudish / uneducated / rude. I even had a doctor criticise me about it at about two years in.

To people at work / home - ‘oh, guess I’ll stop using it for your tea then.’

I don't recall really getting any comments, but then after they were around 1yo they didn't feed very often so it was generally easiest to just feed them at their usual times at home and I rarely fed out in public the nearer to 2 they became.

Both of mine stopped feeding at 2y1week, the first just suddenly stopped asking (he was down to 1 feed by then), he did ask a week later but I told him the milk was gone and he accepted it (I felt a bit sad to tell him no, but I was planning number 2 at that point and wanted a break from feeding before starting all over again, otherwise I would have been very happy to keep feeding him). My 2nd stopped asking before he was 2 but would accept if I offered and I wanted to feed him at least the same length of time as his older brother had fed if I could, so I fed him to 2yrs1week and then stopped offering and he never asked again.

I do find it a bit weird/ick when we start talking about still breastfeeding at 4+ years, but age 2 or 3 is fine personally, I could imagine still feeding my 3 year old, but my 6 year old would just feel wrong somehow (I've heard of some people who still feed 6 or 7 year olds). I was aiming for 2 years because of WHO recommendations, I would state WHO recommendations if anyone asks, you can at least use that reasoning until they are 2.

My 2nd son bf until 2.5 and would shout "giiiicccckkkk" and bang his hands on my boobs and wave a nipple shield about until he got what he wanted, I was happy to carry on for as long as he wanted. Then one day, just like that, he said "no more gick, I big boy now, gick for babies!" And that was that! 🤷🏻‍♀️
My mum said I had to stop once he had teeth (as if!) 🤣 but no one else batted an eye lid!

1. I know it’s annoying but opinions are like A 🕳️s! Ignore it
2. High five to you and your nips for making it work for both you and baby!
3. What works for you works for you don’t change it for anyone

🤍 🙌

Oh and also, it was brilliant for us with toddlers when they had a sickness bug - only thing they could keep down.

OP I fed DD until she was 3 and DS until he was 4 and honestly I just ended up saying “Sorry that YOU can only see breasts as sexual but I’m using mine for what they were intended for, and my children are benefitting.” Either that or “mind your own business”

I think people often come from a place of inadequacy or they’re projecting

I didn't breastfeed at all but I wouldn't comment if someone else mentioned they were still breastfeeding. It isn't for me but I don't care how long someone else does it.

@Secondwindplease yep we were pretty equitable. Fed 1 until about 2.4 and the second until over 4. Split parental leave equally, I was back travelling for for work at 9 months. I didn't pump, apart from to ease the pressure on work travels (hated pumping) but BF is soooo much more flexible than a lot of people think- once you get into year 2 your supply regulates really quickly.

Their dad took a couple of years out to be a sahp as well. I still don't know what day PE is. I guess the only 'default' would be if they were sick in the night and wanted milk, and bf does make you a lighter sleeper so I'd wake up more quickly. He could be roused with a heavy nudge though.

There's a lot of other parenting ahead, but I'm a big advocate of using the shared parental leave, BF or no BF, to set this up. You only need a quick read of these boards to see that it's almost always women as the default parent and statistically hardly any of them will be natural-term feeding.

@Secondwindplease I think that’s a good point and maybe why even some of my nct friends have commented negatively because I’m the one doing the night feeds etc

i think one thing I’ve learnt from this discussion is that I actually need to ask why when someone makes a comment and try understand their thoughts further. It’s funny because sometimes I see threads and think ‘just bloody speak to the person’ but here I am realising I have done exactly the same 🙈😂

Same! I’ve been breastfeeding one child after another for 8 years solidly now and no one has ever said a thing. Sometimes have smiles from elderly ladies but nothing unpleasant.

It’s not that people aren’t realising what I’m doing either - I’ve got massive boobs that are difficult to hide when feeding so I’ve pretty much given up trying. Just get them out whenever needed!

People can be really weird. I think it's best to remember for most people they're making an off the cuff remark and have put very little thought into it. It's best not to waste time and energy thinking about what they have said. Also, lots of people can't help but think back to their experience and that'll affect what they say. Finally, lots of people have zero experience of raising a baby/toddler or have forgotten the reality of it! So don't worry at all.

I fed till my bub was two and a half, COVID happened and in the face of the unknown I wanted to share my immune system.

I had my own mum ask me if baby was getting enough milk and my normally useless dad piped up and said 'How is the baby growing then?' Lol!!!

@Secondwindplease I can see why it might (and in many cases probably does!) make the Mum the default parent, but it doesn't have to (I am very lucky with my DH...)

My DH works 4 days and has DS on his own one day a week, I work 5 days. I had an easy way to try and make DS nap, DH had to work harder at it! For bedtime, sometimes DS would fall asleep on the boob and sometimes he wouldn't. If he didn't, me and DH would swap over (DH would also have been busy doing the washing up while I lounged on a chair feeding DS!). Night time wake ups were also evenly split, DH would be more likely to get up if DS woke early in the morning.

Breastfeeding effectively was a tool I could use, but DS would respond to other forms of comfort/ ways of getting to sleep, so I didn't have to be doing it all the time.

I am breastfeeding my 26 months old and its been so great for us! but also feel social pressure to stop sometimes soon, although its more family saying comments here and there. Its nice to hear so many people also breastfed past 1 year. I saw someone mentioned FB group feeding older babies and I love that one its been a great source of support for me.

I think this is about the most helpful post I’ve ever read on MN, thank you!

Good to know how beneficial shared parental leave was for you too - we have discussed that and would definitely be doing it.

Now if I can just find a way to impregnate my husband 🤣

I let all three of my kids self wean which they all did at about 4 and 5. Fed them openly publicly until they no longer asked for mum milk in the day so about 3. I only got a handful of negative comments and I always just told people we'd stop when they wanted to and ignored them. I wouldn't hang out with people who acted like they were uncomfortable tbh.

I breastfed my 2nd until 2.5yrs. I never got any negative comments but had some sarky looks and glares by teenage boys both times a Peterborough service station… and another at a local McDonald’s in south London. I decided it was the uneducated that had a problem

That's a good point and I've often thought that if I have another baby I will bottle feed to avoid this issue. But it's not really like that with an older toddler as they understand that milk is only there if mum is there, they don't need it for nutrition so can easily do without it for a couple of days if mum's away etc. Plus there's no need to be waking up at night to feed over the age of 1 unless you want to , you can night wean and carry on daytime feeding, and even that will probably only be a couple of times a day by 18 months.

If you really want to parent equitably then breastfeeding from birth is out of the picture I think. By 1 it has much less of an effect

I just said WHO recommend breast feeding until 2 years so I'm aiming for that.

Keep going!

It’s hilarious to me that people will judge a vegan mother who breastfeeds her child until 5, but will switch their baby to cow milk at 6 months - their children are technically never weaned, just switched to a different mammals breast milk!

I do not understand the shaming from others for breastfeeding. It is COMPLETELY normal yet the UK has some of the lowest rates for lack of information & understanding which is such a shame. I’m still breastfeeding my son who is 2years 9 months & im due my second baby next week. Keep going for as long as you want & remember it’s your choice, others opinions are just that. Outdated, uneducated opinions. The benefits of breastmilk into toddlerhood are incredible.

@Secondwindplease no problem! The only thing is if you split the parental leave you'll just get a totally different set of comments about 'changing your mind' and 'don't you feel sad?'.

Feeding is a lot of work however you do it. The bonus of breastfeeding is you do it on the sofa and don't have to sterilize anything...and if you have a half decent partner they should do a lot of the other heavy lifting. Equitable doesn't necessarily mean 'the same'.