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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PLEASE Stop shaming me for breastfeeding

328 replies

thisbetheverse · 30/09/2023 21:31

15 month old daughter, genuinely get some sort of judgemental comment every week. Why is it like that? It’s literally what breasts are made to do!

today it was from a teenager! A 17 year old. I’ve had family members, mum friends, school friends, complete strangers, people I work with all make the same comments ‘oooo STILL?’ ‘When are you stopping!’ ‘You poor thing’

has anyone got any tips on how to respond? I plan to breastfeed until she’s 2 but have started just saying to people I’m stopping soon just to move the conversation along. But then I’m left feeling like I should be ashamed.

I'm keen to hear from those on the camp of ew it’s gross after 1 year old too - please can you explain why and how it makes you feel? Also is this a British thing?

even partner thinks it’s weird!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
NoWayNarc · 01/10/2023 10:12

@NalafromtheLionKing

Well it’s a strange way for you to think..

I’ve made it to 6 months so far and at each stage I’m like well, if I make it to 6 weeks… 3 months… 6 months.. 8 months.. 1 year, great I guess, beyond that when people say they have been “breastfeeding” beyond even 1.5 years well, it’s not quite the same as a small baby who is being entirely sustained by milk, you might have 2-3 feeds in a day I’m sure, mostly morning and nighttime, and at that stage it is probably comfort, mostly. Plenty of toddlers still have dummies for comfort, why not a breast? When a mother has breastfed for so long, it really just becomes another tool in the bag to settle young children, I think to suggest there’s another element to it is strange.

Iammetoday · 01/10/2023 10:38

@TheKeatingFive we did talk it through with the children and explain it's parents choice to bf children and why etc and also we always talk about being kind to others etc. We tried to normalise it for the child.

Coppergate7 · 01/10/2023 10:43

I only had one negative comment (from my step mum) and my son was only about 3 months at the time (and I went into a bedroom to feed when I went to their house). She said breastfeeding was a stupid fad and I was starving him (she made ridiculous comments like this about a range of subjects).

I was quite factual and said he was 75th percentile for his weight and could she name another mammal that gave their young artificial milk or milk from another mammal instead of their own? That was met with silence and she never mentioned it again.

I would say that the World Health Organisation recommend feeding babies their mother milk until at least two years old (that was as it was when I was breastfeeding 19+ years ago - not sure if that has changed?), so that's what I'm doing. Leave it at that.

Fireandflames666 · 01/10/2023 10:46

Tell them to buggar off. I breastfed both mine until just under three, it's normal and only in modern times that people whine about "feeding for too long". It's completely normal and natural.

Coppergate7 · 01/10/2023 10:48

Ok just looked it up - looks like it hasn't changed at all in the last 19+ year.

WHO and UNICEF recommend that children initiate breastfeeding within the first hour of birth and be exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months of life – meaning no other foods or liquids are provided, including water.

Infants should be breastfed on demand – that is as often as the child wants, day and night. No bottles, teats or pacifiers should be used.

From the age of 6 months, children should begin eating safe and adequate complementary foods while continuing to breastfeed for up to two years of age or beyond.

Just state this - or print it out a few times so you have a copy on hand it over to them. I wouldn't bother arguing. Just say they're need to prove their point with UNICEF and WHO not you.

BertieBotts · 01/10/2023 10:55

thisbetheverse · 01/10/2023 09:58

@Katypp i definitely don’t ‘like to feel different’ or ‘secretly like being criticised’ what an odd and nasty thing to say.

I love my daughter and want to do what’s best for her, I don’t enjoy feeling ashamed of my parenting choices.

On a positive note, this comment has genuinely made me think fuck it, if there are people who genuinely think like this then there’s no point in worrying about what other people think! So for that I thank you

Honestly I think this is the best attitude to take! Who cares what other people think, you don't need to convince everyone and some people have some very strange ideas about breastfeeding full stop.

For example someone said Breastfeeding feels like something which should happen with small non-mobile babies - and I think that's exactly where it all stems from, all this cultural attitude, it's because breastfeeding is very much seen as something that's for tiny babies, maybe up to about 6 months max.

That's likely just down to cultural norms and what you're familiar with. It's not really based in any logic at all. It's "feels like it should" - which is generally based on things that we've always known throughout our lifetime (perhaps going back a generation or two because we will be influenced by our parents and grandparents' experience too).

If you went right right back much further than this it would be seen as completely bizarre - babies don't switch totally to food at a few months old after all. What you can actually trace this cultural norm to is the marketing of formula and baby food products. Even current marketing strives to promote the message that breastfeeding is for under 6 months, maybe maximum to a year, but after that you should be "moving onto" formula and bottles and solid foods.

My grandmother was told "you don't want to do that" and had her breasts bound up in hospital to prevent her from making milk. It was seen as better to use formula, and that is entirely down to marketing, formula was not originally created to replace breastfeeding, it was created to replace the crude mixtures that people used to feed babies with when breastfeeding was not possible (often with disastrous results). Then the companies just got greedy - wanting to increase their potential profits they started to expand into new markets, which is where breastfeeding starts to be targeted. The marketing is less overt now, but it's still there creating subtle hints all the time and the legacy of my grandma's generation and their experiences is still lingering too.

If you see breastfeeding as something which is only for tiny babies then yes, of course it would be infantilising and strange to feed an older child. That's why you get all these pseudo-psychological explanations like "it's sexual" and "the mother wants her child to remain a baby" or "it's attention seeking". But if you see breastfeeding as a totally normal part of early childhood, then most of these arguments simply disappear because they aren't relevant any more.

Logic, history, biology, anthropology, the behaviour of other mammals and the balance of potential harms all suggest that "a normal part of early childhood" is the correct answer. If you do think it's "only for tiny babies" then it might be interesting to examine why - usually, you'll end up in a circular explanation which is basically "I don't know, it just is" or "it feels like the right answer" or "everyone knows that, it's just a few weirdos who think otherwise", and that's a very clear sign that it's something that has been learned as a cultural norm, rather than making logical sense.

Nobody is blind to cultural norms BTW - I'm sure that I hold some beliefs that come from them too. But I think it's always an interesting premise to examine a belief - why is this true, could anything else be true? What assumption is that based on, could that be untrue?

YellowPeps · 01/10/2023 11:12

I honestly think it’s just down to ignorance of the benefits of ‘extended’ breastfeeding.
and unless you’ve done it, it’s hard to imagine doing it if that makes sense.
I fed my first until just after she’d turned two and she self weaned but I had instilled ‘breastfeeding manners’ (for lack of a better term) with her so she couldn’t just pull at my top/demand it whenever because that’s what worked for us.
I was lucky and never seemed to hear negative comments even when I went back to work when she was 13 months and had to express- but I’m also a nurse so my breastfeeding was the least of my colleagues concerns haha

Tessisme · 01/10/2023 11:38

I had plenty of comments. Mostly from DP's family who all thought it was disgusting to breastfeed at all, never mind for the 3 years I did with DS1 and 2 and a half years with DS2. I had a few guffaws and 'bitty' comments from my so-called friend, who supported and encouraged me when we spoke privately, but seemed to think nothing of humiliating me in front of others. Then there were the withering looks from the nurses at the maternity hospital, when I fed 18 month old DS1 as I waited for some results. I thought it was a pretty safe bet to feed him in the maternity hospital. We had been waiting a very long time, he was tired, bored and rejecting all offers of snacks. I was in a quiet corner - it's not as if I made a big display of it. Those are just a couple of examples. I could go on. I just wish people would mind their own bloody business. I know there are loads of bun fights on here about formula feeding versus breastfeeding, where women who formula feed feel that criticism is always aimed at them, but in the real world it was the complete opposite for me. I used to come on here for support because I was so sick of feeling completely alone. When DS2 came along, I never, ever mentioned to anyone that I was still breastfeeding him beyond 6 months and my life was much better. It shouldn't be like that.

theescapeladder · 01/10/2023 11:42

BertieBotts · 01/10/2023 10:55

Honestly I think this is the best attitude to take! Who cares what other people think, you don't need to convince everyone and some people have some very strange ideas about breastfeeding full stop.

For example someone said Breastfeeding feels like something which should happen with small non-mobile babies - and I think that's exactly where it all stems from, all this cultural attitude, it's because breastfeeding is very much seen as something that's for tiny babies, maybe up to about 6 months max.

That's likely just down to cultural norms and what you're familiar with. It's not really based in any logic at all. It's "feels like it should" - which is generally based on things that we've always known throughout our lifetime (perhaps going back a generation or two because we will be influenced by our parents and grandparents' experience too).

If you went right right back much further than this it would be seen as completely bizarre - babies don't switch totally to food at a few months old after all. What you can actually trace this cultural norm to is the marketing of formula and baby food products. Even current marketing strives to promote the message that breastfeeding is for under 6 months, maybe maximum to a year, but after that you should be "moving onto" formula and bottles and solid foods.

My grandmother was told "you don't want to do that" and had her breasts bound up in hospital to prevent her from making milk. It was seen as better to use formula, and that is entirely down to marketing, formula was not originally created to replace breastfeeding, it was created to replace the crude mixtures that people used to feed babies with when breastfeeding was not possible (often with disastrous results). Then the companies just got greedy - wanting to increase their potential profits they started to expand into new markets, which is where breastfeeding starts to be targeted. The marketing is less overt now, but it's still there creating subtle hints all the time and the legacy of my grandma's generation and their experiences is still lingering too.

If you see breastfeeding as something which is only for tiny babies then yes, of course it would be infantilising and strange to feed an older child. That's why you get all these pseudo-psychological explanations like "it's sexual" and "the mother wants her child to remain a baby" or "it's attention seeking". But if you see breastfeeding as a totally normal part of early childhood, then most of these arguments simply disappear because they aren't relevant any more.

Logic, history, biology, anthropology, the behaviour of other mammals and the balance of potential harms all suggest that "a normal part of early childhood" is the correct answer. If you do think it's "only for tiny babies" then it might be interesting to examine why - usually, you'll end up in a circular explanation which is basically "I don't know, it just is" or "it feels like the right answer" or "everyone knows that, it's just a few weirdos who think otherwise", and that's a very clear sign that it's something that has been learned as a cultural norm, rather than making logical sense.

Nobody is blind to cultural norms BTW - I'm sure that I hold some beliefs that come from them too. But I think it's always an interesting premise to examine a belief - why is this true, could anything else be true? What assumption is that based on, could that be untrue?

Well put, thank you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 01/10/2023 11:46

Literally no one is shaming you.

But enjoy the back pats from this clear attempt at a humble brag, I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/10/2023 11:49

KnittedCardi · 01/10/2023 08:57

WHO recommends up to 6 months. The oft quoted two year advice is for third world countries with little access to safe water or alternative foods.

As with others I get the ick when walking talking toddlers climb on their mothers laps and demand "booby". But that's me. Would I say anything, no, of course not, but I would secretly feel sorry for you!

Yet the NHS also recommends a minimum of 6 months and up until 2 years and beyond.

squirrlebutkin · 01/10/2023 11:52

Some of those comments are curious rather than rude in your OP. People do notice and comment on anything which is a bit unusual. And in our culture it just is.

I breastfed my youngest till about three, though prob till about 18 months to two years in public. I don’t mind people noticing and commenting with curiosity or interest. And I put ‘ still feeding?’ ‘ when are you stopping’ in that camp. Even ‘poor you’ is sympathetic rather than arsey.

If you are confident in your choice you should feel confident to respond cordially to those questions

Tessisme · 01/10/2023 12:05

But enjoy the back pats from this clear attempt at a humble brag, I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

See, this is where we are sadly. You are accused of bragging for saying that you breastfeed your child. How on earth is it bragging?

notomato · 01/10/2023 12:06

@imtoooldforthisshite Actually, we don't eat meat, dairy, or eggs. I bet you drink cow breastmilk though? The irony really is lost on a lot of people. Especially ignorant ones like yourself and @Lastchancechica

MrsVincentsVictoriaSponge · 01/10/2023 12:16

@thisbetheverse Great attitude to have and I hope posting has given you confidence to carry on as long as you and DC want!

I fed DC1 until 4.5 and still currently breastfeeding DC2 at 3.5. Is it for me? Hell no, currently I'd rather be done, but DC isn't ready so we'll carry on for a while longer. Nothing to do with anyone else 🤷‍♀️

I haven't had many comments over the years. One from my gran when DC1 was only around 8 weeks old that I should be feeding less often because DC1's tummy "needed a rest" 🤪😄

And one other comment from a friend's husband wondering about when we were going to stop. I said "well, I'll have to see what his schedule is like at university" 😁

People like to pretend it's really common and no big deal (see previous comments about "humble brags" 🙄) but really, not many people "get" it. If it was common then vastly fewer people would have an inexplicable "ick" reaction when seeing/hearing about breastfeeding over 1! Not that that's even an absolute cut-off as some people are accepting of 18 months and others only a couple of months!

Ultimately, you can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself 🤷‍♀️ Oh, and get over to Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond on Facebook and get a tribe behind you 😁

thisbetheverse · 01/10/2023 12:50

@LadyGrinningSoul85 I’m sorry if my post made you feel bad about yourself and your own personal choices, definitely not my intention and I respect anyone’s decision to bottle feed, breast feed etc.

also if you’d read my posts properly (and the replies!)then yes, some definitely are shaming breastfeeding after 1. It might be worth reading a thread before you comment so you don’t look so silly!

OP posts:
thisbetheverse · 01/10/2023 12:54

@BertieBotts thank you this is very well said (also how do you quote reply people I can’t seem to do it!)

OP posts:
airfresh123 · 01/10/2023 13:00

Just for comparison how do peoples opinions differ if a child is still drinking milk from a bottle,sucking dummy at age of 3,4,5? I always got the impression that it was frowned upon generally.

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/10/2023 13:01

JustAMinutePleass · 30/09/2023 23:42

My son has never had d&v or noro. This means he’s much taller and healthier than any other child in our family. I guess it’s probably why the dutch are so tall - they are encouraged to breastfeed and growth in the first 5 years sets kids up to reach their maximum genetic potential in terms of height and weight

My son had these all the time when he was bf. He's tall, like his dad (who was bottle fed).

TheKeatingFive · 01/10/2023 13:02

Just for comparison how do peoples opinions differ if a child is still drinking milk from a bottle,sucking dummy at age of 3,4,5? I always got the impression that it was frowned upon generally.

Pretty sure people are absolutely fine with them drinking cows milk at that age. So why milk from their own species is such an issue, I don't know.

lavendersbluedillydilly12 · 01/10/2023 13:50

Yeah I've lost friends because I'm still feeding my 18 month old.

JustAMinutePleass · 01/10/2023 14:32

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/10/2023 13:01

My son had these all the time when he was bf. He's tall, like his dad (who was bottle fed).

He might have been taller had you taken care to ensure he didn’t get dv / noro.

RidingMyBike · 01/10/2023 14:53

Long term BFIng was pretty common where I had my baby. A few of my friends had to switch to formula due to allergies or major hospital treatment but of the people I know about most BF for several years - it just wasn't obvious as they weren't doing it in public after about a year as no need too.

I never experienced any negativity for BFing mine for more than three years but did experience formula shaming and bullying in the first year when I was having to use formula because of low supply.

Do be careful if you're BFing a lot as your child gets older - a friend was still BFing her 6yo very frequently and ended up with weakened bones (a fracture took a very long time to heal), constantly ill and bleeding gums/tooth problems because it depleted her body so much.

BertieBotts · 01/10/2023 15:52

They have hidden the quote function in the three dots menu for some reason, I don't really get why.

sleepwouldbenice · 01/10/2023 16:10

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 01/10/2023 11:46

Literally no one is shaming you.

But enjoy the back pats from this clear attempt at a humble brag, I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

🙄

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