To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

I think it's part of the reason I came across as so harsh towards OP - because I've seen how quickly and easily it can all go wrong. Yes, trust is all well and good, but in many situations it's simply not enough - in fact, it often makes absolutely fuck all difference.

Regardless of how much you trust and love your partner, you still need to use your common sense and protect yourself - never trust anyone else to do it for you, because nobody will have your interests at heart like you do.

The responses here are batshit.

Women are allowed to date more than one person before a relationship takes off . I certainly am .

When you then settle down and invest in one person you start to plan a future with that person because it's then become a relationship.

The smugness of some of the posters here is laughable and clearly they've never invested in someone who turned out to be a dud . Lucky lucky them . Let's hope karma doesn't bite any of them hard on the arse .

The smugness of some of the posters here is laughable and clearly they've never invested in someone who turned out to be a dud . Lucky lucky them . Let's hope karma doesn't bite any of them hard on the arse

Believe me, I've wasted plenty of my time on duds.

I think those of us who are being harsh are just trying to get across to the OP that she was foolish and could very easily have lost even more than she did. Hopefully she learns a lesson.

Yeah cos that's super helpful now after the event isn't it ?

The op
Sounds in her 50s . Does anyone think she'd repeat this with a future faking tosser now - seriously?

Or do people just enjoy being nasty because others are and they don't have to say it to a broken women's face.

so you were cheating on him?

This thread is ridiculous.

Of course I wasn't.

I dated various me for almost two years before I settled on him and the point is that he had the least money of everyone and zero assets.

The idea I was golddigging someone who didn't even own a car is ridiculous.

I was 40 and dating in London. Largely in a dating pool of quite wealthy men. If I'd wanted money I wouldn't have picked him.

He was pretty much the only person I did dare who didn't ALREADY own a house!

I don't actually think anyone on here has been nasty - just honest.

Personally, I would have thought someone with grown up children would have had more sense than to waste 60k on someone she wasn't married or financially joined to in any way.

There are some horrible judgements from the hard of understanding on this thread. Op knows she made a mistake trusting a man who said he loved her. You know like we all do at some point and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

No the responses - some at least are plain cruel . Not honest . That's window dressing for being a cruel.

The op was in a committed relationship with someone who
Said they were saving jointly for a house of their own .

He lied . She didn't .

It seems that a house is the priority more than a relationship. "I could have bought a house with several other people. I chose him." That's a weird way of thinking about it.

So many missing the ducking point

She's saying she could have had her pick of other more wealthy men if she was mercenary and wanted a man for security- but didnt because she was in a relationship she thought was mutual. Where they would build a future together which included a family home purchased together.

Are
People being deliberately obtuse?

@brentwoods

Yes, my children having a home is a bigger priority than my relationship actually.

If you save for 5 years with someone to buy a house together and then once you have the money, they refuse to look at houses and they expect you to live indefinitely in a 1 bedroom apartment, then you have to choose between your kids and your partner.

I chose my KIDS :)

This "partner" then miraculously became able to find, and buy a suitable house within 22 days. Amazing huh?

Thanks @bemorebernard . It's baffling!

It really is .
On the one hand you sneeze on here and its a full on army of man hating feminist militants but try and post a perspective from a woman whose relationship has gone tits up because of the male parties actions and it's all your own fault !

And I'll get posts now going "I lost you at man hating feminists " 😂😂

Seriously I totally get where you're coming from op and you have my absolute sympathy and support.

I hope you don't reconcile because I can't see his phobia of committing changing - you'd end up twisting yourself into knots to try and accommodate his needs with no heed to
Yours .

I am truly sorry you fell for a future faking Div who
Just can't grow up .

Thanks @bemorebernard . I really loved him, I really did - but this wasn't a mistake.

He watched me cry regularly because my kids couldn't come home and he still refused to view houses with me.

One of my DC had really bad depression in his first year and not being able to bring him "home" to Mum genuinely broke my heart.

He manipulated me completely over the issues. He feigned stress illnesses. He said work pressure was too much to "cope" with moving.

Every place I showed him was too far from work, too small in he'd bang on about interest rates. He made it genuinely impossible to even discuss it.

I got pretty depressed and cried all the time and he watched me and did nothing.

If it was his DC in that position I wouldn't have done that to him for 16 minutes, much less 16 months.

The minute I left all those objections disintegrated and he buys a place exactly like we always needed.

Unbelievable.

It had nothing to do with money. It was about commitment.

I'm really sorry-that's sounds horrible. Sometimes love is blind .

But he's absolutely shown you now his
Priorities. You and your kids weren't high up on that list .

It took you to leave for him to say hed give you a few crumbs and you
Can move to HIs house. No from me . I re read your op and see you're 46 so plenty of time to regroup.

Trust me being alone is better than this . I left the man I thought was the love of my life - been alone now for 4 years and honestly it's better than compromise. X

Maybe your partner didn't see it as being his responsibility to house your now-adult children.

Maybe your partner didn't see it as being his responsibility to house your now-adult children

No problem.

Then he can choose to be in a committed life with someone without adult children.

Hopefully he'll find such a person to live with him in the house he saved for with me for half a century

Well, he obviously didn't think it was his responsibility to keep the promises he made to the OP.

OP you're well out of it IMO.

@bemorebernard

I dont mind being alone.

I do mind that I wasted 6 years and missed out on maybe a life that wasn't renting a house by myself far away from anyone I know.

I'll crack on though and start again :)

I doubt I'd ever invest in a man ever again after this.

I've only read your posts OP but as awful as he's behaved what's done is done.
Your only 'crime', like many in relationships was falling for this person, swept away by his promises years ago that somehow just rolled on year by year, same old spill until he showed his true colours and you realised you're being had.

You left and he's now trying to reel you back in again, there's something wrong in that he's bought a house so suddenly, a house, for goodness sake it's no small purchase and can't be returned, can he afford it on his own or does he need your income to?
People can offer us things in life but it's actually doing those things, us seeing the actions of that person that make the difference.

Only you can put an end to this, cut all ties, stop communication and give yourself time to really think about what you're worth in life.

Which would be fine. If he said so. Instead of spending years saving for a deposit for a home together.

I'm confused about the timeline and years together/ dating others but putting that aside.

I do have empathy towards you and totally understand how you must feel given his behaviour, however.

You were not married yet you let him save for 'your' house whilst you stepped in to pay for day to day stuff, holidays etc etc, when you had no legal recourse to that money if you split.

And, you didn't even have a joint savings account? Why if you were saving for your joint house did you not have those savings going into a joint account?

I agree with pp you've made some bad financial decisions but it doesn't make the emotional side any harder to take. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I get it, it doesn't make it hurt less.