To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

You're interpretation appears to have been that he will buy a house and put your name joint on deeds and mortgage

I do think WE were saving, but irrespective of that I actually couldn't give a monkeys who's name the deeds are in. I'm not financially motivated.

What I wanted was a HOME. A shared LIFE.

To stop renting after 28 years of renting and own a home that we would choose together.

I considered us a complete team. I wouldn't have cared who had the deeds.

Is he divorced or had issues following a significant relationship breakdown before? If so that might explain his reluctance.
I saved and saved for the deposit for my first home, and agreed that my partner could be on the deeds with me. He contributed £2k of the £15k deposit. We were both in our twenties and a bit daft really!
When our relationship broke down, property values had gone up and I couldn't afford to buy him out, so we had to sell the house and split it 50/50.
It wasn't the money so much as the fact I lost my home. I swore that I'd never go through such a thing again and now, nearly a decade on, i have a new partner, we've been together 5 years and we have a baby girl, but my house is my house. He is free to live here and save to buy a property himself, but I won't put him on the deeds of mine. I pay the mortgage myself. It isn't about trust really, it is self preservation. And preservation of my daughter's home too.
This might not be so much about you, OP, as about your DPs previous experiences.
I hope you are able to buy your own home soon, with or without your DP however it resolves. X

Anyway. I've decided not to reconcile.

Essentially, what happens in our dynamic is that the decision-maker (him) acts (or doesn't act) as though he is the only person in the relationship. There is no interest in, and fundamentally no regard for, the preferences, experience and welfare of the other person (me).

Invariably, I have to experience un-welcomed consequences of these decisions. It's not the first time, and ultimately I left and had to start a new life I hadn't planned on because he would not stick to commitments or agree to living circumstances that worked for my children.

Now, after refusing a joint life, and foisting all those un-welcomed consequences on me; he's created an entirely seperate, automomous that seemingly meets his needs (to be a homeowner and not have to share in the process and he expect me to just fit around it and accept the resulting deprivation for myself.

I've ended up with a life that I didn't want or choose. Ive ended up losing or missing out on many things and experiences that mattered hugely to me, as well as important goals in life. I don't think a partner who's looking out for you as a team would ecoect that.

This isn't about money. It's about the fact that his own personal preferences are so blinding to him, that there is no room to even entertain that I exist, except to support his fulfilling their agenda.

He wants half a life on his terms.

His autonomy, with a "wife" on tap (and her preferences, needs and goals being largely irrelevant) and I fully expect if I accepted this shithousery that the rest of my life would be as a passenger in his crazy bus.

He considers it, anyway "our money", he's been offering today to put the house in my name too - and this isn't him being generous, he knows that money was a mutual effort and that I made life decisions based on that
So now he’s saying this that’s not good enough either.
I’d love to hear his side of this dêbacle, I suspect there’s a very different perspective on his side.

We managed to save £145,000 with which to buy a house. So we were doing just fine - thanks!

But you (plural) didn't save 145k, he did and he managed to do that because you paid his expenses for him.

I kinda feel that he saw you coming when it was agreed to split finances as if you were married and it was all one big pot of money, because you weren't married so have no claim over 'his' money now you've split. It would have been better for you both to save and both pay for living expenses. It would be interesting to know who suggested splitting it how you did?

No wonder you are livid. I wouldn't reconcile after his behaviour, and I wouldn't want my name put on a house with him if we weren't reconciling, but I'd certainly be wanting my 'share' of the savings if we broke up

I think some posters are homing in on the money side, rather than the relationship side (myself included).

The more you post the more I see a woman believing the man and thinking they have a good future together. You see it time and again. A man promises to marry but never does, a man promises to help raise a family that he wants but never does childcare/chores.

You are basically getting "divorced " from a selfish man who only puts his needs and wants first. The type who acts single despite having a partner and children. Of course you are hurt. Of course you are angry, frustrated, resentful. Being older or in a shorter relationship doesn't stop all that. I'm sorry OP

@randomrandom

he managed to do that because you paid his expenses for him.

But that's where I feel OP is being entitled and misleading... She's changed her tune in recent posts, but earlier posts are clearly meant to imply he financially abused/exploited her.

His flat, savings and salary are his own. She paid for only 15k worth of his leisure expenses. She didn't enable his career or anything either. And it's not his fault she became a much lower earner due to Covid.

She wanted him to use his higher career earnings (and I also think it's horrible to make it sound like her sacrifice enabled him to earn more, as if she's some sort of SAHM, when essentially that sacrifice boils down to her not being happy her bf was working away but allowing it anyway), plus profits from the sale of his flat, to pay for most of the house.

Essentially she is angry she did not choose someone who would pay for most of a house for her. Fair enough, as I said.

But to make it sound like she could have afforded half a house if not for him – that's misleading.

@randomrandom just to add: the savings were all from his income as she said, and he's also offered to return her 10k anyway. I'm sure he'd be happy to up it to 15k to fully return the leisure costs.

Sorry. He sounds chronically dishonest.

You're right not to reconcile.

How does he respond to the idea that choosing a house is a joint decision? Does he even get it?

If he’s so serious about his new house being for both of you then he needs to put the house and mortgage under your name too. Any other solution is unacceptable.

It's not really down to him to provide a family home for your adult children.
You can't afford to buy on your own - and you sound as if any man would do, as long as he belatedly got you onto the property ladder.

It doesn’t sound like you even loved him, it sounds like you see dating as betting at the races and you’re raging that you picked the wrong horse.

Sounds like there’s plenty you could do to change your own situation, like rent a smaller place since you’re living alone. Surely one spare box room and a sofabed in the living room can accommodate visiting adult children just fine.

So now he’s saying this that’s not good enough either

This mam saved for a house with me for many years.

We set a date to buy the house.

I moved in with him to his rented 1 bed flat while we househunted.

He refused to househunt.

16 months, we did not look at a SINGLE house.

During which time my DC had no home for uni holidays. They had to stay with my PARENTS.

I left, after realising he was never going to move. Rented my own house across the country. Settled my kids FINALLY into a home.

Three WEEKS later, he bought a house big enough for us all. Without consulting me. Without me even seeing it.

Now he says he will put half of it in my name.

No it still actually isn't good enough. 😕

Op did you get half of the money back you'd saved asa deposit.? I hope so,

If not I'd be taking so,e legal advice .

It would be interesting to know who suggested splitting it how you did?

It was never really suggested. When I met him he was skint. He'd just paid for a masters course, finished paying off his student loans but we initially split everything.

Once we were committed, I was usually the one who "booked" things. So if we were travelling, I'd book it. If we needed something, I'd buy it. So I was generally the generous one.

When we decided to save for a house together he investigated it all and set it all up and we agreed how much a month would go in.

I was the one who suggested I cover running costs because it seemed more convenient than splitting everything we did or everywhere we went.

I might be daft as a brush but I trusted him completely and evidently he is at least financially honest because he's offering to compensate me.

Which honestly, I don't really want.

It's not really down to him to provide a family home for your adult children

No one asked him to "provide". We were saving for a home together.

You can't afford to buy on your own - and you sound as if any man would do, as long as he belatedly got you onto the property ladder

This is the most ridiculous comment. I was 40 when I decided to start dating. I picked someone completely penniless who himself wasn't on the property ladder.

If I wanted a man to "get me on the property ladder" he was the worst pick on earth! I loved him for God's sake.

I’m with you @Sutured, you must be devastated. Definitely stay away from him. I don’t think you could ever get over this. I’m so sorry.

It doesn’t sound like you even loved him, it sounds like you see dating as betting at the races and you’re raging that you picked the wrong horse

What an awful, twisted comment.

Surely one spare box room and a sofabed in the living room can accommodate visiting adult children just fine

No it can't. My children need a home thanks. They are at university and will be here 5 or 6 months of the year! Not on a sofa!

Quite right!

Oh golly, that's scary. Your poor friend. I think that's a case of a lot of people don't realise these things until they see it happen to someone else or themselves. A lot of people still believe that common law marriage is a thing and that they have some legal rights.

I have a friend who believes her parents, who have been separated for over thirty years, are legally divorced by now, just because it's been so long. Thankfully her mum has had the sense to write a will specifically excluding her husband, though why she hasn't divorced him I will never know.

OP, if he is genuine about offering you some of your money back please take it. I know you're cross and don't want anything from him, but it's rightfully your money and will benefit you and your children.

Be careful of getting sucked back in though. I have a feeling this offer is going to be just another attempt to string you along, don't stand for it. Give him the details to make the bank transfer and don't offer him any more of your attention. I suspect it's unlikely that he's going to pay, but if there's a chance that he will then please take the money.

Agree with this.

You've taken a battering in this thread @Sutured but I'm in full agreement with you.

Same here.