To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

@brielliance

Crucially, if he didn't exist, she would still have got long Covid and faced a drastically lowered income

Yes and I would have either

A) known I was single and changed my life accordingly

Or

B) had a different partner who didn't do this

And unlike a typical marriage scenario, it's not like his upgrading his salary was a result of her doing housework (she talks a lot about them staying separately) or raising his kids for him

Umm. First of all, I lived in his house for more than a year and did do all the housework as well as all the life administration (including things like sorting his families Christmas presents) because he worked much longer hours than me.

Him upgrading his salary was also at sacrifice to me. I made clear his job wasn't going to be compatible with my life goals or wishes and made sacrifices of my day to day in order for him to do it.

The deal was: you do this, and I'll make the money for OUR HOUSE.

Next, she keeps attributing costs (for her and adult DC's lives) to him that would still have existed if he wasn't in the picture. E.g. because he didn't give her a free house, "l had to rent a house - deposits, moving fans, had to buy all the white goods and furniture so that cleaned me out to the tune of more than half my savings". I mean, yes, newsflash, everyone has to pay rent if they don't get a free house!

No I'm not. I'm saying those costs came about when he wouldn't move - as agreed - to a bigger house. It was never the agreed plan for me to have to move half way across the UK and start again by myself.

We were in a committed unit. All my decisions and actions were for us as a family. His were not. I then had to rapidly pivot to a completely unplanned emergency scenario.

Always have your own back, men are often completely unreliable

This!

The awful decision isn't choosing to spend money on "life" while saving up for a bit longer before you buy a house, the awful decision is choosing to spend all your own money on "life" while enabling a man (who has no obligation to you) to save thousands of pounds in his own name.

They didn't do any of the things you say, because OP spent her money in her name only on "life" while he saved his money in his name only to enable him to buy a house.

He hasn't conned her out of anything - she chose to spend her money the way she did and chose not to maintain her own savings account. He behaved badly but she didn't make sound decisions either.

I can see why he was apprehensive about buying with you. I know this sounds mean but you don't sound like very safe horse to bet on.

You have ended the relationship (for justified reasons) but to him, you didn't get the house so he's gone. You have said repeatedly that you would have dated somebody else if you'd have known he wouldn't buy with you before, so not really in it for the love, but for the joint house (he probably knows this deep down).

He could potentially lose a lot of money by buying a house with you and you then leaving, you have done exactly what he is probably concerned about.

@WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive

I can see why he was apprehensive about buying with you. I know this sounds mean but you don't sound like very safe horse to bet on

Huh?

You have said repeatedly that you would have dated somebody else if you'd have known he wouldn't buy with you before, so not really in it for the love, but for the joint house (he probably knows this deep down)

Huh?

He could potentially lose a lot of money by buying a house with you and you then leaving, you have done exactly what he is probably concerned about

Again, Huh?

needing a man to buy a house is a mad logic tbh - if you didn't spend £450 a month on luxuries you'd have your deposit for your own house by now.

easy to blame this guy for your poor choices though

He told her it was their money. He lied and she believed him. There was a time when, due to me returning to studying, we had to have the mortgage house ownership in my DH's name only. Obviously I'm better protected because we're married, but I would still have done it if we weren't because I trust him as my life partner. I expect there are people who think that that would be foolish, but it was the right decision for us financially at the time and it wasn't a problem because my husband is trustworthy.

needing a man to buy a house is a mad logic tbh - if you didn't spend £450 a month on luxuries you'd have your deposit for your own house by now

What?

Nobody said they needed a man. What I said was I was looking for a full life partner who would share everything, buy and build a family home with me. I didn't want to do it alone. I was alone for 15 years and wanted a shared and joint life. That's what dating is for. Find someone who wants the same things and become a couple.

And what a silly comment. I lived in London. It would have taken me twenty six years to save a similar deposit on my own. My children were in school settled in life and until they went to university I didn't want to move. My friends and family were there. So no I absolutely would not have had a house deposit by now.

Of course, I could have had an entirely DIFFERENT plan.

Which you seem to think should have been to stay single for another 5 years, go nowhere, enjoy nothing, scrimp and save until I was 50 and then move to arse on the wold alone once my kids flew the nest and live in a flat by myself.

Sounds brilliant.

As hard as this is to believe I didn't actually choose that life. Like the vast majority of people I wanted a shared life with a bloody partner.

I agree with this, but the key thing you’re missing is that those are MARRIED couples. At that point it really is a “what’s mine is yours” situation, and both parties are protected by that marriage.

There’s a lot of posts on here at the moment about unmarried couples splitting and suddenly being up in arms at being screwed over financially. Don’t ever live as a married couple would financially if you are not in fact married, it leaves you very vulnerable.

Just clarifying – did you pay him rent when you were living in his flat?

I suppose I just find your perspective oddly entitled.

Things like: "Him upgrading his salary was also at sacrifice to me. I made clear his job wasn't going to be compatible with my life goals or wishes and made sacrifices of my day to day in order for him to do it."

You're framing this like an actual sacrifice in the sense of a wife putting in hours raising kids with a long distance father/husband, in order to prop up her husband's career and salary. In that case, yes, husband earning more can be directly credited to the wife.

But both of you are mature grown ups with your own lives and adult DC. You simply didn't get to spend time with him while he worked away for his career. That's sacrifice I suppose, but not actually contributory sacrifice like a mother's labour. It was his own hard work / smart choices that enabled him to upgrade his salary.

I don't actually feel he used you financially in any way. He's already offered to pay you £10k – close to the full £15k you spent on him – and I'm sure would be happy to pay 15k. Again, I struggle to believe you and your DC didn't get anything out of the 6 years of sailing lessons, theatre trips, Christmas shopping, international holidays, family gym membership and so on.

Again, I think you're thinking of this as a traditional "exploited wife" scenario, whereas you're 2 independent adults each with own adult DC.

Just try to flip it around. Imagine a man in his 40s saying about a woman in her 40s: I met her 5 years ago and picked her over others with more house buying potential. I allowed her to work away (she earned more due to this generous sacrifice of mine), I accompanied her on expensive holidays and splurged on theatre trips because I thought she'd buy us both a house, paying for most of it with her higher salary. But she didn't, so I'm gutted and raging!

He told her it was their money. He lied and she believed him.

But it wasn't their money because it was only in his name. So yes, she was incredibly foolish to believe him and trust him, imo.

@brielliance

I haf raised kids by myself and worked bloody hard. I waited to date until they were older, and dated for a couple of years (very selectively) in order to find a life partner with shared goals.

It was discussed very clearly from the outset what I wanted out of life and I was no spring chicken.

I didn't want my new partner to take a job that meant I would never see him. I literally sobbed for weeks over it.

I'd spent my life home, alone, putting kids first and I wanted someone to do things with, to grow a shared life.

So yes it was a bloody sacrifice to spend 18 months living a relationship over zoom instead of him actually being there.

Plenty of people wouldn't want a long distance relationship and I was one of them.

I agreed ONLY because he said it was for OUR future financial security.

So when, at the end of that, he royally dicked me around - yes I'm pissed.

I can completely understand the emotional sacrifice and the hurt, as I said earlier. He has ultimately chosen to protect his own or his adult DC's assets, and that is hurtful. You hedged your bets on him, and it's devastating it didn't work out.

But to me, emotional sacrifice (wanting and waiting) is different from contributory sacrifice, and hence entitlement.

Again, I think it's important not to conflate your wanting and waiting with traditional contribition within a partnership. For example, if you had:

• quit/reduced your own career to better his home life and career prospects (as opposed to doing housework bc you were staying in his flat for free)
• genuinely propped him up financially (as opposed to splashing out 15k on leisure
• contributed to raising his kids
• etc etc

then yes, you would be entitled to him paying for most of the house.

Yes it was foolish to trust him. It wouldn't have been a problem if he was trustworthy though would it?

Yes, it would have been - trust is all well and good but it doesn't protect you from everything.

What would have happened if he'd dropped dead of a heart attack, or fallen into a coma with all "their" savings in his name, in a bank account that OP had absolutely no access to?

Letting someone else save up for your future is foolish, no matter how "trustworthy" they are.

@brielliance

I don't think I'm entitled to money.

I think I'm entitled to a life I choose, based on accurate information from the people who share that life.

I think I'm entitled to my long term partner caring about my wellbeing.

I think I'm entitled to be in a relationship where decisions are made together by mutual benefit.

If I make choices based on commitments from people who say they love me then I think I'm entitled to them keeping those commitments.

He openly admits he didn't keep those commitments.

I think if anyone is entitled it's actually him. He feels entitled to commitment from me, devotion honesty, reliability when he clearly doesn't provide those things.

I think he's feels entitled to operate as a family when it suits him, and retain autonomy when it doesn't.

Op I do t know why you're arguing your case , your angry and imo rightly so. He's led you on and then gone and done what the hell he wanted anyway without so much as discussing it.

I wouldn't want a life partner who did this either . You thought you were in a couple and going to buy a home together which is a perfectly reasonable expectation when in a ltr and it's been agreed.....for him to suddenly turn around and live almost a separate life then cry and whine because you've left , he's an idiot . He can't have it all . I wouldn't go back . I wouldn't want to reconcile. I' mean what next ? He's made it ver y clear he doesn't want the life he led you to believe you'd be having with him. If he's that much of a commitment phobe what's the point unless you're happy with a casual relationship. ?

I'd just cut contact . I wouldn't be moving into his house , that gives you nothing . No security and all you'd be doing is funding his home improvements.

I'd stop raging now , stop trying to explain , and just cut contact , tell him the proposals hes making are not what you want or agreed and let him get on with it .

I didn't want my new partner to take a job that meant I would never see him. I literally sobbed for weeks over it

I would have run for the hills away from you OP had In been the Partner in this scenario

Then you wouldn't be the right partner for me! I didn't sign up for a long distance relationship! It didn't fit with any of the things I wanted from a relationship! People can choose what they want, and if it makes their partner miserable then you either split up, or one person accepts being miserable as a personal sacrifice for the other person.

You do have a very good point about coma or dying. I suppose you'd have to have something in a will about it. It's not something I've needed to look into because being married does simplify things a lot in that respect

I have a friend who lost her partner very suddenly and unexpectedly in an accident. The only thing that prevented her, their toddler and their unborn baby from being homeless was the fact that their rental home (and savings) were in joint names at the time of his death.

Honestly op. You're not coming out of this well. When you say we agreed we'd buy a house together . That implies to most people that two people putting down an equal share of deposit and agreeing to pay the mortgage together particularly in the case of no shared children. You're interpretation appears to have been that he will buy a house and put your name joint on deeds and mortgage. Surely you can see that it was a very big ask and clearly he felt and was probably advised that it was.

I totally understand your feelings.

What I find unconvincing with is...

The essence of it comes down to "if I had accurate info, I could have chosen to date someone else who would have enabled me to buy me a house". Totally fair enough! You've said you dream of home ownership, and we all make practical choices for our own happiness. (Though, I will say that applies to him as well – I would have been a bit wary of your hasty motives if I were him too.)

But I don't think it's fair to say "I would have been able to buy a house if not for the (non existent in practical terms) sacrifices and (frivolous leisure) expenditures I made on his behalf". Practically speaking, that amounted to maybe 15k max. Misleading imo – it leans heavily on a stereotype of financial exploitation/abuse but isn't true in this case.