For being really upset my dad bought my sister a home but not me

[Nostalgicdreamer]

My dad retired and decided he wanted to buy my sister (32) and I (35F) our own houses, my property was originally to have a bigger budget as dad was going to put a smaller house/granny flat on the place he bought for me and it would essentially be for him and my family (partner and 3 young kids) eventually, he originally had no intention in moving with us for at least a few years. My place was to be on acreage, we looked and looked and as I had to keep in mind this was to be a forever property and needed to be a property both my family and my father could live happily it was very difficult to find something we could all be happy with let alone put a second dwelling on with council regulations etc. If it was just for us there are so many properties along the way we were looking that would have been perfect for us.

After a year we found a property, dad put down a deposit then someone offered more and they decided to go with them. Dad was pissed off and didn't want to increase his offer.

A couple months later Dad ended up finding a property in a county town 6 hours away from where we were looking to buy, right up to the auction I told my dad repeatedly we did not want to move there and to please not buy the property, he told me he didn't care if I liked it or not he was buying it. The place has nothing that I wanted in a place for my family except the acreage, the house is not big enough for us and theres not enough bedrooms and its hours away from our family/support system, my dad also isn't the type to help with our kids at all. I have chronic pain and can't work and we need our support system, my eldest son also has behavioural issues we are waiting to be diagnosed (suspected adhd) Dads opinion is that he got this place for us and its just too bad if we don't like it and don't want to move there thats our tough luck and we get nothing if we don't want to uproot our family and move all the way there. Dads moved there now.

Its not my money and I know if someone buys a house for you you should be grateful and I kind of felt like an ass right up until my sister tells me dad bought her her house in the suburb she wants to live in, somewhere my dad said there was no way he was buying a place near there, that it was overpriced and not somewhere he wanted her or any future grandchildren living. She never has to worry about him ever wanting to go live with her and he has spent the same amount on her house as he did on the property he bought himself.

Now he worked hard all his life he deserves to live where he wants but I can't help feeling now like its extremely unfair he went and bought my sister a nearly $2m house near the city exactly as she wanted it and where she wanted it and I was expected to move my family where he wants me to, it also massively hurts that he decided my opinion and what I wanted no longer mattered and he was going to just buy what he wanted and if I didnt like it thats just tough! when every property I looked at I tried to have everyones best interests in mind and looked at places with the thought when dad moves in with us will he be happy there. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for my sister however I still think its extremely unfair I ended up with nothing because I don't want to move my family where dad bought but my sister got exactly where and what she wanted and dad sees nothing wrong with any of this.

My sister also has no children or partner, makes more money than my partner does, has enough to go on at least a month or more long European trip each year, goes out regularly and isn't scrimping for money each week so its not like she was in need more for the house than we are.

So AIBU being extremely upset that my dad expects my family just to uproot our lives and leave all support we have to move where he wants us to? to a house we don't like, when he has bought my sister exactly where and what she wanted. Ive tried talking to my dad about it but he doesn't see my point of view he just tells me the kids can room together, its not terrible to have to live away from our other family and thinks Im being very unreasonable, he doesn't understand how what he's done could possibly be unfair.

Some people use their money to control others.
That is what he’s doing. And you can let go of the rope.

Another shitty, selfish dad, clearly with different favouring expectations of some children over others.

I'm sorry, OP.

She hasn't got what she wanted though. It's still his house he's allowing her to live in. What happens if he needs care and they force a sale?

I get you're disappointed but personally, I think the universe is looking out for you

You are perfectly entitled to be hurt OP, I would be as well. By you dad sounds very controlling in all of this. If he needs a care home at any point what will happen to his property (ie- your sisters house)?

Growing up, how did your father treat your mother?

So he’s bought himself two houses and is now trying to dictate where you live.

Stay where you are and count your blessings. Your sister has nothing- NOTHING- to stop him selling that house under her feet.

With his name on the deeds for two properties, that’s also possibly a major inheritance tax issue looming in the future. (Your DS might be forced to sell “her” house to pay IHT due on your DF estate - potentially)

@Okki
I don't think there will be nothing to inherit eventually even if he does need to pay for care, my sisters house and the property my dad bought were the same price and he also still has the house he was living in before he moved to the new property, but he doesn't discuss money with me and won't tell me how much he does have, I think he could probably afford care even if he had to sell a property, it was more that he doesn't want to have someone looking after him in his old age that he doesn't know/can't make do what he wants.
I know I will likely get something when he dies and ill probably still need it then but would have been nice to be able to not be living week to week saving what were spending in rent while our kids are young

I love my sister I'm not jelious of her, Im happy she got what she wanted

Has she really though?
It might look like that on the surface, but actually she's living in a house which isn't hers at all but owned by someone who's shown themselves extremely manipulative

Not a position I'd want to be in, especially when the time comes that he needs care

...he doesn't want to have someone looking after him in his old age that he doesn't know/can't make do what he wants

So in other words it really was an attempt to rope you in as carer under the guise of "Well I bought you a house"

Sounds to me like a bullet dodged ...

He doesn’t sound very nice. I can’t imagine owning 3 properties whilst my child rented due to not being able to get onto the property ladder.

Has he always used money to control people?

@Hairyfairy01 he also owns another property which is where he lived before he moved to the new one, that would likely get sold 1st and be enough to cover expenses.

He didn't buy you a house. He bought a house for him. He can dress it up however he likes, but it sounds like you've been clear about your needs and he hasn't listened. That isn't your house.

Decline to discuss it any further with him. You explained why it wasn't suitable before he bought and moved into it. Nothing has changed.

Sometimes siblings are treated differently. It's shit but it happens all the time. I've been the sister who missed out. It's rubbish. But your dad's money is his to do with as he wishes. Just get on with your life - if it irks you, reduce contact with them both and explain why.

I'm guessing all of these properties together are worth millions? So any future care needs can be paid for by selling his original house? It doesn't change anything OP. Your dad hasn't considered you or your family at all here. It's shit, it's not fair and you have every right to be upset and angry. Equally your dad is telling you very clearly that it's all about him, his wants and his needs. It may not seem like you now but you have had a lucky escape. If your dad has as much wealth as I think he has, and is happy for his daughter and grandchildren to be living in rented accommodation, whilst basically trying to blackmail them to move somewhere unsuitable entirely for his own benefit, then that would say all I needed to know.

He obviously thinks Op is so desperate that she'll just move!

Not that easy though if her husband works/kids in school-why would they just up sticks?

Very strange!

sounds like he just wants a live in carer-let him live in this house he wants might feel a bit lonely after a while

@diddl unfortunately he knows our situation and how much it would have benefited us to not have to be paying rent anymore that he really did think we would just go wherever he said. I dont think he fathomed at all that I would tell him we are not going to move there and is part of why he's so frustrated and annoyed that I've told him I think the whole situation is very unfair. It just hurts all the more that he doesn't get why it hurts me and not just the house situation the fact that he doesn't seem to care how badly he's ruining our relationship with things hes said but thats all my fault apparently.

This all sounds really toxic. I imagine you are incredibly disappointed after he made such an original kind and life changing offer that he’s now gone back on. Give him lots of space until you come to terms with the disappointment.

@Nostalgicdreamer

Look at it this way; Yes, owning a home is a great deal of security. But neither of you would own those homes, would you? And Dad could evict you at any time if you pissed him off. Or he could sell them out from under you or leave the houses to a 3rd party when he dies. The only 'benefit' to you in Dad's 'arrangement' would be that you would (I assume) be living there rent free. Or rather, rent free in exchange for 'services' at some point. But is that really worth it considering the financial hold he'd have over you? I say you, but I'm including your sister in this.

I think you need to take a new point of view. You are free, your sister is not. When/If the time comes that your dad needs care you will be able to say 'No, that doesn't work for us' because he has no hold over you. It won't be that way for your sister because dad owns her home. He can say to her "You will be my carer or I will sell that house". Sister has the Sword of Damocles hanging over her head. Dad may have preferred you to be his care-giver, but do you seriously think he won't expect your sister to perform those duties if you refuse?

Why did he have to move in with you in the original arrangement?

Sounds like you're best providing for yourselves and to carry on living where you prefer. You don't owe him anything, he can't throw you out of your current home so stay there. When you inherit his house, you can just chuck it on the market and get rid of it.

If he wants to be cared for in his dotage by you, he'll need to move where YOUR life is.

He sounds awful controlling and do not ever think of looking after him in his old age as it will be a nightmare for you and your family and he will drive you demented. He can afford to pay someone to look after him as it sounds like he will be a nightmare.
It is not fair that he bought your sister the house of her dreams in her dream area but will not do the same for you.
Do not say anymore to him once he knows you are disappointed and he should have let you both have a say in the property that was picked and near your support area.
Why does he want you to be the one to look after him, is it because you are kinder and softer and your sister just would not do it.

Horrible situation but do not move there as you will be miserable and maybe he will see sense when he is alone there and lonely.

As awful as it is to hear it doesn't appear that your dad has either yours or your families best interests at heart. In fact far from it. What you do with that information is up to you but I wouldn't be eating too much time on what is best for him. Look after yourself and your own family. As hard as it is try not to let the resentment build up between you and your sister, ultimately it's not her fault and she is in a vulnerable position.

Well he’s not bought your sister a house or you, he’s bought himself 2 houses that he’s allowing your sister to live in and another he expects you to live in.

he sounds very controlling, your doing the right thing by not moving.

id stop with the unfair stuff, that just makes you sound like a whiny child. I’d say ok Dad, I appreciate your well meaning in providing somewhere for us all to live without rent, but upheaving my children and DP is just not something we are willing to do as a family. And then just avoid the topic grey rock him and just maintain a relationship with him, if that’s what you want.

Your situation might be unfair, I get it, but wallowing in self pity won’t do you any favours.