For being really upset my dad bought my sister a home but not me

[Nostalgicdreamer]

My dad retired and decided he wanted to buy my sister (32) and I (35F) our own houses, my property was originally to have a bigger budget as dad was going to put a smaller house/granny flat on the place he bought for me and it would essentially be for him and my family (partner and 3 young kids) eventually, he originally had no intention in moving with us for at least a few years. My place was to be on acreage, we looked and looked and as I had to keep in mind this was to be a forever property and needed to be a property both my family and my father could live happily it was very difficult to find something we could all be happy with let alone put a second dwelling on with council regulations etc. If it was just for us there are so many properties along the way we were looking that would have been perfect for us.

After a year we found a property, dad put down a deposit then someone offered more and they decided to go with them. Dad was pissed off and didn't want to increase his offer.

A couple months later Dad ended up finding a property in a county town 6 hours away from where we were looking to buy, right up to the auction I told my dad repeatedly we did not want to move there and to please not buy the property, he told me he didn't care if I liked it or not he was buying it. The place has nothing that I wanted in a place for my family except the acreage, the house is not big enough for us and theres not enough bedrooms and its hours away from our family/support system, my dad also isn't the type to help with our kids at all. I have chronic pain and can't work and we need our support system, my eldest son also has behavioural issues we are waiting to be diagnosed (suspected adhd) Dads opinion is that he got this place for us and its just too bad if we don't like it and don't want to move there thats our tough luck and we get nothing if we don't want to uproot our family and move all the way there. Dads moved there now.

Its not my money and I know if someone buys a house for you you should be grateful and I kind of felt like an ass right up until my sister tells me dad bought her her house in the suburb she wants to live in, somewhere my dad said there was no way he was buying a place near there, that it was overpriced and not somewhere he wanted her or any future grandchildren living. She never has to worry about him ever wanting to go live with her and he has spent the same amount on her house as he did on the property he bought himself.

Now he worked hard all his life he deserves to live where he wants but I can't help feeling now like its extremely unfair he went and bought my sister a nearly $2m house near the city exactly as she wanted it and where she wanted it and I was expected to move my family where he wants me to, it also massively hurts that he decided my opinion and what I wanted no longer mattered and he was going to just buy what he wanted and if I didnt like it thats just tough! when every property I looked at I tried to have everyones best interests in mind and looked at places with the thought when dad moves in with us will he be happy there. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for my sister however I still think its extremely unfair I ended up with nothing because I don't want to move my family where dad bought but my sister got exactly where and what she wanted and dad sees nothing wrong with any of this.

My sister also has no children or partner, makes more money than my partner does, has enough to go on at least a month or more long European trip each year, goes out regularly and isn't scrimping for money each week so its not like she was in need more for the house than we are.

So AIBU being extremely upset that my dad expects my family just to uproot our lives and leave all support we have to move where he wants us to? to a house we don't like, when he has bought my sister exactly where and what she wanted. Ive tried talking to my dad about it but he doesn't see my point of view he just tells me the kids can room together, its not terrible to have to live away from our other family and thinks Im being very unreasonable, he doesn't understand how what he's done could possibly be unfair.

As is very usual, it's all about control. If he genuinely just wanted to help you he would buy what you wanted. But he is making it into power and control and you having to make decisions and compromise. Add in a bit of stirring resentment up between siblings and you have a classic power trip. Of course he looks generous on the face of it and you look ungrateful for questioning it, but it isn't generous at all because it comes with too many strings and issues.
The only way to deal with it is withdraw completely. Say you are not doing the move or the care, and make a path for yourself.
High chance the inheritance will be the next to be used as a weapon for control. Seen that numerous times.

But you are not being unreasonable to be upset by his actions. It is upsetting when this happens.

How does inheritance tax work? Is your sister going to be able to keep 'her' house if your Dad doesn't leave her a load of cash too? What's the worst case scenario? You each inherit a house that you can't stay in as the 3rd house has been sold for whatever reason.

You aren’t getting what you thought you were originally, which is unfortunate. However you do still have the choice of moving to your dad and living rent free in a house which would be eventually yours.

it’s still an option most people would never have the luxury of having. If you don’t like it, which you sound set on, then say no and move on. That’s life unfortunately.

I have friends with rich parents , whose rich parents bought them houses and they still somehow find something to complain about.. at the end of the day you’re being offered something for nothing. You can turn it down if you want, it doesn’t leave you worse off than you were the day before. Get over it!!!!

I should add that I agree with you for your reasons for being upset. It just feels like you've actually been lucky because from what you've said about the setup, you face a lot more difficulties in the future as you wouldn't have had the certainty of owning your own home. What happens if you fell out with your Dad - could he evict you?

You need to remain firm and clear that you will not ever be moving there to take care of him so he needs to ensure he has plans in place for when (if) he needs care because you will not be changing your mind.

I bet he thinks that when/if that day comes you will move. He needs to understand that won't be happening and he won't be able to guilt / manipulate you into it.

@Kisskiss if it were something in the area we are now or within a couple of hours drive I would agree with you and we would suck it up and just move, however its a 6 hour drive if you just drive straight there no stopping. It would take us away from all our family, my Mother who is older than my father and has heart problems and also the needs I have having a chronic pain condition, if things were different the move may have made more sense and I realise I'm being offered more than a lot of people which is why it has made me feel horrid for not just accepting and going, but if we take away the oh boo hoo you got offered what some people could never even hope for and money aside and look at what has been offered between siblings its like saying to one child here you go darling enjoy your chocolate no strings attached and then to the other well you were only being offered a chocolate if you agreed to xyz and now agree to these new terms because I have suddenly changed my mind and who knows may decide to change it again so its just too bad for you if you dont want to do what I want you're not getting a chocolate, I dont agree treating siblings like that is fair thats what I was upset about

@Okki something I would need to look into, I know my sister said something about if he sold her house he would lose out a lot because its his 3rd house but I'm not sure what happens if she inherits it when he dies

here you go darling enjoy your chocolate no strings attached

Except there are 'strings' attached for your sister. She doesn't own the house so she is only able to stay in it at the whim of a controlling bully. That's a pretty big string!

@Okki essential yes he could evict us if he really wanted to I don't think he would go that far knowing what hes like unless it came to needing money for something really dire he cant get elsewhere, tho with how this all panned out I guess you never know

This. Don't give up your life and support system for him.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist that time may come however I doubt it will be for a while and could have also been the case for us, either way I was referencing in terms of the initial offer she was just offered the house no mention of having to look after dad or moving to an area she didnt want to that wasnt something she has had to deal with initially, none of us know how the future will unfold, if we were both in the same boat to begin with I would not think it unfair.
Im not upset with my sister I really hope she doesn't have to experience any of the strings,.

Ive been upset at how my father thinks everything he has done was equal and fair and noone would possibly think it hasn't been.

Your father knows full well it isn't fair. It's deliberate on his part. It's part of how he exerts control over the two of you.

Your dad isn’t offering you much at all, you can stop feeling guilty. He’s offering you misery and exhaustion, cutting you off from your support network and expecting your dh to take on managing a fucking farm as a SECOND JOB, as well as caring for your dad. That’s a hell of a terrible terrible offer.
if you stayed where you are and your dh got a second job and worked 24 hours a day like your dad wants him to, you might be able to afford a house AND you’d have your support network AND you aren’t tied into looking after your dad in his old age. Think about that. Your dh taking a second job sounds like a terrible terrible idea and it’s still a much better idea than taking your dads offer. Tell your dad ‘you bought exactly what you want, it’s got nothing we want at all so you have not bought me a house and I wish you would stop bloody lying to me that you have. You just feel guilty because you bought my sister exactly what she wanted but you refuse to buy me what I wanted. Fine you love her more now can you leave me alone? I’m not moving 6 hours away. I’m not moving to a huge farm that needs all the hours god made to run it. I’m not moving to care for you because I’d be dead of exhaustion before you needed care if I moved to your new house you bought for you. Now go away.

Your sister was more clued up than you from the start tbh. You let him bribe you into offering to provide care because you were hung up on the idea of having 'acreage', whereas she just wanted a normal house.

But now, as it happens, you have ended up more free of your father than she has. Open your eyes to how toxic and controlling he is and you'll see its a blessing in disguise. You are free of any obligation to provide care or run around looking after this bully as he ages.

Find your own way to buy yourself somewhere to live, and I can guarantee you will be better off than you would have been living with him.

Is it in your name? If so stay where you are - you'll inherit it eventually and can sell it.

None of it is in either the OP's name or her sister's name. The father has kept it all in his own name, because that enables him to exert control.

Stay where you are Op, your DF's apparently generous offer is going to make your life harder, not better. If your names not on the deeds you'll have no security, he can use the house as blackmail to get his own way. Your DM could need your help and being 6 hours away will make that almost impossible for you, you'll lose your local support and I can't see you or your family being happier.
I think your Dad knows your DSis wouldn't give up her city life for him so she just gets a house, no strings, but he thinks you'll be an easier target. Prove him wrong Op