For being really upset my dad bought my sister a home but not me

[Nostalgicdreamer]

My dad retired and decided he wanted to buy my sister (32) and I (35F) our own houses, my property was originally to have a bigger budget as dad was going to put a smaller house/granny flat on the place he bought for me and it would essentially be for him and my family (partner and 3 young kids) eventually, he originally had no intention in moving with us for at least a few years. My place was to be on acreage, we looked and looked and as I had to keep in mind this was to be a forever property and needed to be a property both my family and my father could live happily it was very difficult to find something we could all be happy with let alone put a second dwelling on with council regulations etc. If it was just for us there are so many properties along the way we were looking that would have been perfect for us.

After a year we found a property, dad put down a deposit then someone offered more and they decided to go with them. Dad was pissed off and didn't want to increase his offer.

A couple months later Dad ended up finding a property in a county town 6 hours away from where we were looking to buy, right up to the auction I told my dad repeatedly we did not want to move there and to please not buy the property, he told me he didn't care if I liked it or not he was buying it. The place has nothing that I wanted in a place for my family except the acreage, the house is not big enough for us and theres not enough bedrooms and its hours away from our family/support system, my dad also isn't the type to help with our kids at all. I have chronic pain and can't work and we need our support system, my eldest son also has behavioural issues we are waiting to be diagnosed (suspected adhd) Dads opinion is that he got this place for us and its just too bad if we don't like it and don't want to move there thats our tough luck and we get nothing if we don't want to uproot our family and move all the way there. Dads moved there now.

Its not my money and I know if someone buys a house for you you should be grateful and I kind of felt like an ass right up until my sister tells me dad bought her her house in the suburb she wants to live in, somewhere my dad said there was no way he was buying a place near there, that it was overpriced and not somewhere he wanted her or any future grandchildren living. She never has to worry about him ever wanting to go live with her and he has spent the same amount on her house as he did on the property he bought himself.

Now he worked hard all his life he deserves to live where he wants but I can't help feeling now like its extremely unfair he went and bought my sister a nearly $2m house near the city exactly as she wanted it and where she wanted it and I was expected to move my family where he wants me to, it also massively hurts that he decided my opinion and what I wanted no longer mattered and he was going to just buy what he wanted and if I didnt like it thats just tough! when every property I looked at I tried to have everyones best interests in mind and looked at places with the thought when dad moves in with us will he be happy there. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for my sister however I still think its extremely unfair I ended up with nothing because I don't want to move my family where dad bought but my sister got exactly where and what she wanted and dad sees nothing wrong with any of this.

My sister also has no children or partner, makes more money than my partner does, has enough to go on at least a month or more long European trip each year, goes out regularly and isn't scrimping for money each week so its not like she was in need more for the house than we are.

So AIBU being extremely upset that my dad expects my family just to uproot our lives and leave all support we have to move where he wants us to? to a house we don't like, when he has bought my sister exactly where and what she wanted. Ive tried talking to my dad about it but he doesn't see my point of view he just tells me the kids can room together, its not terrible to have to live away from our other family and thinks Im being very unreasonable, he doesn't understand how what he's done could possibly be unfair.

This ☝️

And, OP, don't take any notice of your sister wanting you to 'just have a look'. It may be that she genuinely thinks it could work out for you, but it could also be that she realises if you don't go she might become default carer.

Surely this sort of manipulation from your father hasn't come out of nowhere. If you moved to the new house your life and everything in it wouldn't be your own. Stay where you are and don't be bullied into anything else.

You've definitely dodged a bullet. He'd clearly be a nightmare to live with if he has such a complete lack of empathy.or care for anyone else's needs.

@Nostalgicdreamer

You and your partner are absolutely doing the right thing for your family. If he can treat you like this now, trying without any care for you, to make you isolate yourselves from job, hospital, schools/support for your children think how he will treat you if you capitulate and do what he wants. You will have no financial security if he decides he's changed his mind once you've done what he wanted.

Tell your sister to save as much of her salary as she can as there may well come a time when he changes his mind about "her" house too and she'll need to sort out property for herself to which she does have legal title. 🌹

@RudsyFarmer
We wanted to stay in our current area and on acreage, dad also eventually wanted to live out his days on acreage and with his grandchildren (was not supposed to be for a few years tho as he had plans to travel around the country with friends) and well wants someone to look after him when hes older. It was going to be a more expensive property than where he was supposedly going to buy for my sister in the beginning, so the deal was that we would look after him in his old age because he was buying my family the more expensive property we were wanting, so my sister wouldn't have any complaints because her inherited house was less than mine because she wouldn't have the added expectation of looking after our dad when he needed it. He has now bought her a property the same price as the one he bought himself.

These comments make me laugh. This is a classic example of different and unfair treatment - like the prodigal son stories that sell so well - and people go ‘don’t bd jealous, it’s just 2 million’. Ridiculous.

op, I second the narrow escape. Your feelings of upset are totally valid. You’ll need to work through them and stand firm with your dad. He sounds like a bully who threw his toys out when you didn’t do as he asked.

Well if you’re trying to find the positive, not having to care for your dad in old age has to be up there.

how were you meant to look after him?

Honestly no matter how hard it is continue being independent done rely on anyone but yourself. Do not let yourself be one dependant on someone who has so little regard for your happiness.

Your dad is a controlling bully. Why would you want to live with him? Thanks your lucky stars that you don't have to.

You know he bought that house for your sister out of spite, don't you? He went over and above what he originally said he'd do for her to get back at you for not wanting to move to the house he wanted. Nasty man.

Are you in the states, OP?

Honestly, the best thing I think could ever happen to children brought up in manipulative wealthy homes is to 100% distance yourself from the relationship while you get on with focusing on building your own financial stability. Why will you never be able to buy where you are? Why can’t you staircase/flip/improve a fixer upper yourself?

Honestly, I grew up in an area with a lot of Self-Made Wealthy Parents and their kids are my friends and much of my adult life seems to be listening to ‘and then dad said if he gave that much to Jack/Jane/cousin Jo, then he might do something for me but then I said but wait is that fair and then mum said but then Jack had an issue bla bla bla £€$¥£€$¥£€$¥ etc etc forever and ever’.

Is there really no way you can get out of rental on your own where you want to be? Ever? Even if you don’t get acreage? (If acreage means a shit ton of land, a lot of people want that but don’t get it).

Independence, emotional freedom and the respect that comes from EVERYONE, even yourself when you stand on your own two feet are wonderful things too, with no caring obligations and manipulative emotional roller coasters to go through either.

I think you have to stop thinking as your dad as a kind and caring parent who puts his children first

He's controlling and bullying and using his money to upset you and probably try to put a wedge between you two too

I notice your sister isn't on the deeds for her house. So it's not the big gesture it sounds like. He's still in control. And she is now under his power. If she does something he doesn't like... well, he owns her house.

Such is his power over you he thought he could force you all to uproot to where he wants to be without complaining.

He has given you an insight into how this 'caring' for him would look like. You being treated like a slave and your opinions and desires totally ignored

Cut him off. He will use his money to manipulate and control you. I'm sure he'll be back with another way to tempt you with money. But it'll come at a cost. And for me it's not worth it.

Sorry you have such a dick for a parent.

I agree with this - what can you afford in the area you want to live in?

Forget about wants (acreage etc), what do you actually need? You need a place to live that is commutable for work, near your friends and support network, and large enough for your family. What would that cost - and can you get a mortgage for that?

You've been putting off taking responsibility for buying your own house because your dad has dangled this carrot of having a huge property with "acreage". Well the carrot is gone, so it's time to do it for yourself.

Technically your DF hasn't bought anyone a house as it's all still in his name.

Yeah, it's all just further proof of his control.

If he had bought the house in a suitable location and the OP had moved in, he would have used the threat of kicking her out to keep her in line.

I would bet my salary that every time the OP disagreed with him or did something he didn't approve of, he would pull the "This is my house you're living in, you can leave if you don't like it.." line

The houses are all in his name, so at any point he could evict your sister if he chose, or you if you did his bidding.

I think he's a controlling bastard TBH. These aren't gifts at all.

I’d be very wary of this if I was your sister, what if he decides he wants that money and sells, or needs to sell to fund care in the future? I would not feel very secure in her position. I completely get why you’re upset, but I think in a weird way your Dad is enjoying it- and enjoying the control it gives him. I would vent those feelings to your partner for a little while, but just live your own life without help from your Dad, you may find it has surprising benefits down the line.

It will be difficult but stop giving him the satisfaction of discussing it with him ir your sister. Disxussing it isnt going to change anything, he has ourchased his house and you are not moving there. Shut sown any conversation about it immediately with 'we cannot move there, i told you that, i dont want to discuss ut anymore'. He wabts to wear you down and doesnt care that it may affect you relationship with your sister. Dobt entertain any of it, whats done is done, you talking to him wont change any of it, the reality of actually living 6 hours away might.

I’d call that unpleasantly controlling myself. Added to the fact that your sister isn’t on the deeds. She might even lose the house to pay the inheritance tax when the time comes.

I have to say that when I read op I assumed that dad just got fed up. It took you a year to decide which house you wanted and then the house you chose was gazumped (not your fault). It sounds as though he didn’t want to go through another year of looking and made the decision to suit himself whether you like it or not. I imagine he is thinking that the house will be yours one day and that when that time comes you can do what you like with it - sell it and buy another one or whatever.

have you thought this through OP? Something in the region of £2-3M will sort out your retirement, your kids futures etc!

Why won’t you move? Your dad sounds wealthy. Did you speak to him about giving you some money to establish a support network for your family’s needs after you move?

you said you can’t work. That money can be life changing for everyone in the family. The pain of change is short term. We all adapt!

You know he bought that house for your sister out of spite, don't you?

This sounds very likely doesn't it?

And when he needs care he could sell to try to force her to move in & be his caregiver!

Of course he might not need care for a few years & then you might be in a position to move & he'll be dangling the house as an incentive for you!

@Mybasilplantispastitsbest
We are in Aus
Owning wasn't the main want out of this which is why I wasn't particularly bothered if the house was put in my name or not it was more the appeal of living rent free, unfortunately living on only 1 income with myself unable to work due to a chronic pain condition saving to afford a deposit for a house even without acreage (we were just wanting a few acres, of course the more the better I would just prefer not to be living in a residential property) would take us years and our kids would be grown by then and we would have to move away from our support system, then we would also be paying a mortgage, council rates, insurance, repairs etc, its more financially viable for us to continue renting which we are happy to do. I guess it was more getting to me that my dad knows our situation and I didn't think would leave us how he has but then again he never was an overly affectionate caring guy, he is of the opinion he has done no wrong and we are giving up an amazing opportunity for our family and our children and can't possibly fathom any reason why it isn't a good move for us.

Posting this has definitely made me feel a bit better that I did in the long run make the right choice to say no we don't want to move there. its been good seeing others opinions of the situation who aren't going to side with me because they are friends or family

@Ramalangadingdong yes that was one reason my partner thinks he gave up caring what we wanted, there were so many properties along the way that would have been perfect for our family alone but for 1 reason or another they would not work when it comes time for Dad to move there aswell.

@User5512
Trust me we have thought long and hard before deciding not to move there, as a lot of people on here have pointed out what would happen if we did move there, what else would he disagree to, sure our physical support of people who would help with the kids could be replaced by hired help, however I would prefer my kids grew up with my mother my partners parents and their aunties/uncles and cousins present as they are now, its another expense we would have to fork out for if he didn't want to, its also the expectation that my partner would get a full time job there as well as help out massively on the property as hes bought on over 100acres, we never discussed getting a full on working farm it was only ment to be acreage for some hobby animals at most, I have no idea what he intends to do going forward looking after it but thats not my concern.