Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give him the money

130 replies

Dodobirds · 30/09/2023 11:09

I run my own business and I have a bit of a long distance thing with a man in the same industry (although entirely different jobs). It’s just a casual, fun thing when we’re in the same country (he lives in Australia).

I do a lot better financially than he does because of the nature of our jobs.

We had been talking about him coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I said I’d pay for his ticket.

He then asked if I’d pay for it at a certain time of year, so he could go on from the U.K. to Paris, to see some friends for their birthdays.

I was ok with that and asked if, in return, he’d help put me in touch with a couple of people that he knew in the industry, which he did, immediately.

I’ve not booked the ticket yet but two things have changed since he asked me:

  1. He has now said he’ll only actually come to visit for 2 days and then go straight to meet his friends, which makes me feel like he’s just wanting a free ticket to see his mates, really.

  2. I got hit with a huge, unexpected expense related to my house and am worried about my own finances.

I’m unsure what to do now. I have to see him again in a couple of weeks at ann industry event so I can’t really just cut ties with him, but I don’t really want to pay for his ticket now!

I am aware I said I would though and that he helped me out with those contacts.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 30/09/2023 11:14

i think you will need to suck it up and pay for the ticket if he has already put you in touch with the people

if you now refuse then whatever relationship you had with him is over and possibly ruin any other relationships you built up through him

MariaLuna · 30/09/2023 11:14

I got hit with a huge, unexpected expense related to my house and am worried about my own finances.

So, just tell him this.

It does sound like he's using you to enable him to meet his mates in Paris.

Blobblobblob · 30/09/2023 11:14

You need to have a straight conversation with him. Unexpected expense plus he can't be arsed to spend more than two days with you.

Maybe offer half and if he kicks off tell him to do one?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/09/2023 11:15

Wouldn't the fare be about £3000? How much are those contacts worth to you?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/09/2023 11:16

He fulfilled his side of this arrangement so I think you should do the same.

ladeluge · 30/09/2023 11:18

Go to Paris with him.

Autumnleaves89 · 30/09/2023 11:18

this is a really weird set up. The fact that he asked you to pay for him to go and see mates is very odd.
Not sure if you’re being unreasonable or not tbh!

RandomMess · 30/09/2023 11:20

I would explain about the financial situation and offer him a contribution (how much are those contacts worth to you?) and also state that you are disappointed that his intention was only to spend 2 days with you!

Honest and upfront is the best way forward.

TiredMamOfTwo · 30/09/2023 11:20

Bit weird he's asked you to pay for his ticket to Paris. Almost like he's prostituting himself out.

catsnhats11 · 30/09/2023 11:21

Were the contacts were worth the equivalent to the ticket?

Thebigblueballoon · 30/09/2023 11:23

Slightly perplexed why he asked you to pay for it. Have you done this before?
Be honest with him re the house issue and suggest going halfers. I’d be hurt by the two days thing too and I’d probably be reeling back this casual relationship in future.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/09/2023 11:25

You are a mug. I make it a solid rule never to give any man I'm not married too money.
They don't respect you for it and then I no longer respect them.

Khvdrt · 30/09/2023 11:26

how Long did you expect him to be staying with you? For 2 days I’d be thinking twice as I do think he’s using you for his own convenience However as he’s given you those contacts I’d now say you can’t afford it all and offer half

Lovingitallnow · 30/09/2023 11:26

So you offered to pay for him to come to the UK to see you for a few weeks. He said can we do it x month and I'll be able to do-ordinate with my friends. Now it's for 2 days. Forget that. Not the same at all.

Original poster
Dodobirds · 30/09/2023 11:31

TiredMamOfTwo · 30/09/2023 11:20

Bit weird he's asked you to pay for his ticket to Paris. Almost like he's prostituting himself out.

I agree!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dodobirds · 30/09/2023 11:32

Thebigblueballoon · 30/09/2023 11:23

Slightly perplexed why he asked you to pay for it. Have you done this before?
Be honest with him re the house issue and suggest going halfers. I’d be hurt by the two days thing too and I’d probably be reeling back this casual relationship in future.

He didn't ask me. Last time I saw him we had a really great time and I offered (because I know he could never afford it).

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 30/09/2023 11:34

Never mind affordability - I wouldn't pay for a ticket from.australia for a man who was inly going to spend 2 days with me. Most expensive shag in history.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/09/2023 11:35

Exactly!

Original poster
Dodobirds · 30/09/2023 11:36

SavBlancTonight · 30/09/2023 11:34

Never mind affordability - I wouldn't pay for a ticket from.australia for a man who was inly going to spend 2 days with me. Most expensive shag in history.

when it was supposed to be a fun couple of weeks together, I was ok with it. I’d have gone to see him but I couldn’t find a window of time, so it just made more sense for him to come here.

Now it feels like I’m paying him for sex though!

It‘s not that I care enough about him to have a desperate need to have him around for 2 weeks, but 2 days feels like an insult. I’d rather be didn’t come at all.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 11:37

Just say really sorry massive house expense - can’t do it for this year.

The contacts didn’t cost him anything.

The fact he’s coming to you for 2 days would rather indicate the ticket rather than you is the main appeal

TiredMamOfTwo · 30/09/2023 11:37

If you feel that way I'd just tell him your situation has changed and unfortunately you're busy now and give him the wide birth. You can do so much better.

greenhydrangea · 30/09/2023 11:39

2 days feels like an insult.

It really does. Your situation has changed and you can't really afford it now, and his valuing of you seems to have changed in the interim also. Fuck that.

I'd tell him, unfortunately...

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 11:39

TomatoSandwiches · 30/09/2023 11:16

He fulfilled his side of this arrangement so I think you should do the same.

Don’t be daft - the contacts didn’t cost him

He’s granting the OP a two day shag in return for a £2k+ ticket to see his mates.

OP you are being a bit of a mug, unexpected house cost or no. Just say sorry it’s not going to work out.

Thebigblueballoon · 30/09/2023 11:39

Dodobirds · 30/09/2023 11:32

He didn't ask me. Last time I saw him we had a really great time and I offered (because I know he could never afford it).

Show quote history

Ah right. Tricky one because the goalposts have moved. Two days is a bit of an insult if you agreed on two weeks together. But you did offer and he’s done you a favour with those contacts.
I’d stick by the suggestion to offer half like pp’s. If he takes issue with that, you’ve got a flag right there.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/09/2023 11:41

Just say, "no, this wasn't our agreement. I was going to pay for you to come and us have a few weeks together, not just 2 days. Or are you expecting me to pay for your holiday with other friends that I'm not part of?

Lets not bother with this trip and let's see if there is another time in the future when you can come and spend a few weeks with me as clearly your plans for this trip have changed significantly."