To not give him the money

[Dodobirds]

I run my own business and I have a bit of a long distance thing with a man in the same industry (although entirely different jobs). It’s just a casual, fun thing when we’re in the same country (he lives in Australia).

I do a lot better financially than he does because of the nature of our jobs.

We had been talking about him coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I said I’d pay for his ticket.

He then asked if I’d pay for it at a certain time of year, so he could go on from the U.K. to Paris, to see some friends for their birthdays.

I was ok with that and asked if, in return, he’d help put me in touch with a couple of people that he knew in the industry, which he did, immediately.

I’ve not booked the ticket yet but two things have changed since he asked me:

1. He has now said he’ll only actually come to visit for 2 days and then go straight to meet his friends, which makes me feel like he’s just wanting a free ticket to see his mates, really.

2. I got hit with a huge, unexpected expense related to my house and am worried about my own finances.

I’m unsure what to do now. I have to see him again in a couple of weeks at ann industry event so I can’t really just cut ties with him, but I don’t really want to pay for his ticket now!

I am aware I said I would though and that he helped me out with those contacts.

People saying he has fulfilled his part of the bargain - I disagree, he has changed the goalposts. The deal was, the OP would pay for him to come over and see her for a couple of weeks if he did x. He did x and then said actually he was only coming over for a couple of days. You can't change the goalposts after doing your (what sounded like a small) part of the deal.

I wouldn't say anything about the 2 day thing personally, because he is likely to then just stay with you for a bit longer, and it will be awkward as you won't know whether he wants to stay with you for that long or he is just doing it to get free flights.

I would just contact him, in advance of seeing him, and explain you're really sorry but your financial circumstances have changed due to house issues and you really can't afford to buy flights at the moment. But that at least you ha e the industry event to look forward to seeing him at

Tell him about the unexpected bills. Say you cant buy the ticket now, but will pay for a ticket in the future. That way you can keep your word, and make sure his visit is to see you and only you.

If he kicks off or this episode had put you off him, you can dump him later or do a slow fade.

Agree. I’ve actually already done exactly this, but now am feeling guilty because I reneged on my side of the deal.

It wasn’t any kind of official business agreement or anything. It was more of a tongue in cheek, “ah ok then mate, tell you what, you seeing as I’m going to pay for your ticket, can you put me in touch with xyz in return?”.

Yes, exactly. This is what I meant. I would be replying saying "look buddy, a lovely couple of.weeks hanging together is one thing but if you aren't really interested in spending time with me then there's really no point in me paying for your ticket.".

Cheeky fuxker.

I would either say about going to Paris with him like this person has suggested , so u get more time together, if he refuses this ask why and why he can't spend more than 2 days with you.
Or if your finances have changed and you really can't afford hi ticket then explain this to him , if he is doing it for the right reasons he will understand pay himself or arrange another time, or if he kicks off I would question whether you are just a plane fare to him or I know you said bit of fun but you still need to care for the person surely. Can't you say once you have sorted finances you can arrange another time . Surely he will understand, I know he got you contacts but did that cost him alot of money to do?
Hope you get it sorted

I’d probably just make up a reason to be unavailable now and therefore not pay for the ticket. You are as bad as eachother though, he’s a CF and you used him for the business contacts too, there’s nothing wrong with it but I don’t agree that he’s the only one who’s been a CF here. It was working well for both of you, now it isn’t, so it’s time to let it go (atleast this time), nobody needs to be the villain.

Don't pay. He doesn't even want to spend time with you, he wants to see his mates. Probably laughing with them about the fact he's getting a free ticket.

You don't owe him anything, contacts cost him nothing and it shouldn't be an exchange like that.

Red flag that he was happy to have his ticket paid!

hun pay the ticket and suck it up.
then get rid of this guy who is seeing u as a
cheap shag.
he gave u the contacts straight away and has been honest about his plans.
doesn't matter who earns
more, but see it as a life lesson. don't pay for anyone's anything like that again.

so weird, he is pimping himself out. Id dump him

I wouldn’t bother saying to him he needs to spend more than 2 days with you. His actions show how he feels towards you.

If the contacts are worth it to you, maybe offer to pay his ticket to Paris (which may be cheaper than something that involves UK and then Paris. Google flights might be your friend if you don't mind routing him in occasionally interesting ways: e.g., China Eastern can do Melbourne to Paris return for £635 in November as a random example). If the contacts are not worth the money to you when considered over the long term then they're not.

You'll see each other at the other event. How awkward that will be may depend on the ticket business.

I would just call off the whole thing.

Or get rid of the bloke before mugging herself off paying the ticket.

I'd tell him you were expecting to spend a couple of weeks together not two days and see what he says

Hmm he has hurt your ego and I’d be hurt too!

He clearly isn’t as interested in you as much as you thought and he has shown you that now

The only self respecting thing to do is tell him kindly that you have had a major expense come in re your home and you can no longer afford his ticket.

Maybe offer a token amount as a gesture of good will for the contacts

Dont ask to go to Paris as if he wanted you there he would have invited you already

date men slightly closer to home

He is a user. Don't pay, just tell him that you are sorry he has such a tight schedule this time. Tell him to let you know when he has a couple of weeks clear, as previously arranged.

I agree

You have to be honest with him. Tell him you've just been hit with a massive bill so can't afford to pay right now after all, but happy to contribute (you did offer, after all) or do it another time when your finances get straightened out. Or why not suggest you meet up in Paris rather than have him come to you, and see what he says?

You could offer to pay for a Eurostar from Paris to London and he gets himself to Paris which is his main reason for coming to Europe it seems? If you want to keep your 'deal'

But I think there are LOTS of handsome Australian men already in London for you to have less expensive causal flings with op so I would just forget about this guy

If he was from a country where the average salary/earnings was significantly lower than the UK and the coat of the ticket equalled many times his monthly income then yes I might stump up if that is what had been agreed and particularly if that relationship might become serious and the man was intending to spend the entire time with me.

But a man who lives in Australia who apparently can't afford his own flight ticket but nonetheless is intending to have a jolly around Europe with his mates? Er, no.

But if you refuse to buy the ticket, the relationship/friendship will likely be over and he might get spiteful. I don't know if he has the power to spoil your business, OP?

If so, you might have to pay on this occasion and lesson learned.

Have you told him you are disappointed that he's only planning on spending 2 days with you?

I have no interest in going to Paris with him! It’s not really about wanting to spend time with him that badly. It’s more the principle!

And I definitely won’t be mentioning the 2 days vs 2 weeks thing.

I sent a message to explain and to apologise, and that I’d pay for a trip again in future if I could, if my financial situation changed.

It's going to a very expensive shag

"I'm a bit upset that you only have two days free to see each other. I think we should leave it until you have time for a proper visit."

Yeah the waters are muddied. I think it’s not a bad thing you have an unexpected bill tbh. It went from paying for a friend to come visit for a couple of weeks of fun and hanging out, to them then adding on a secondary trip to see other friends (no huge deal), to them then only paying a passing visit to you despite using you for the ticket. That changes the whole dynamics. I don’t know why you are the one feeling bad, they showed their hand and it wasn’t a nice one.
The asking for contacts maybe complicated things a little, but wouldn’t he have gave you those regardless of the ticket? If not, this thing gets even more ick. You need to distance yourself, you don’t owe him more than maybe a work favour in return.