To not give him the money

[Dodobirds]

I run my own business and I have a bit of a long distance thing with a man in the same industry (although entirely different jobs). It’s just a casual, fun thing when we’re in the same country (he lives in Australia).

I do a lot better financially than he does because of the nature of our jobs.

We had been talking about him coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I said I’d pay for his ticket.

He then asked if I’d pay for it at a certain time of year, so he could go on from the U.K. to Paris, to see some friends for their birthdays.

I was ok with that and asked if, in return, he’d help put me in touch with a couple of people that he knew in the industry, which he did, immediately.

I’ve not booked the ticket yet but two things have changed since he asked me:

1. He has now said he’ll only actually come to visit for 2 days and then go straight to meet his friends, which makes me feel like he’s just wanting a free ticket to see his mates, really.

2. I got hit with a huge, unexpected expense related to my house and am worried about my own finances.

I’m unsure what to do now. I have to see him again in a couple of weeks at ann industry event so I can’t really just cut ties with him, but I don’t really want to pay for his ticket now!

I am aware I said I would though and that he helped me out with those contacts.

He’s not replied yet!

Explain you've got an unexpected expense so I for the situation

You're offering a large amount of money to a man you have casual long distance relationship with?
He must think he's struck gold - because he has.

I'm glad you've withdrawn your offer but why would you offer again for later? He's clearly taking advantage of you.

Option 1 - lie. Tell him that bad news but something has come up at the time of year he wants to come over, with the implication being that you’re not going to pay for his ticket if you’re too busy to see him. Book a holiday or something. Say you’ve been invited to be maid of honour at a destination wedding in Vegas. Whatever you can do or think up that means you won’t be available in the vicinity of either the UK or Australia.

Option 2 - tell the truth. Say you feel uncomfortable paying for his ticket if you’re only going to see him for 2 days, because you meant it to be an an act of generosity that would allow you to spend time together, and him stopping by for a quick courtesy shag en route to see other friends in exchange for a plane ticket feels more like paying for sex, which was not your meaning or intention when you made the offer.

Do you feel like you owe him something in exchange for the contacts? If I’m looking at this objectively, the fact that he’s disappointed you personally with the way he prioritises your friendship/relationship compared to others doesn’t really negate the fact that you made an agreement with him that had mutual financial benefit — a plane ticket in exchange for his professional contacts — and he’s made good on his part of the deal but you haven’t. I doubt he’s going to sue you from Australia for the cost of a plane ticket, especially if he has no money, but I think he’d probably have a valid case if he did, especially as he made you aware upfront he wanted to go see other people! Others have said that what he provided to you cost him no money, which is true, but aren’t lots of people in the world paid to provide intangible services? Isn’t this a bit like a business approaching a recruiter to find a candidate, hiring someone they suggested, and then turning around and refusing to compensate the recruiter because they had an unexpected expense come up and the recruiter offended them in an email?

Next time you want to do someone a favour, don’t turn it into a quid pro quo agreement and you won’t get yourself into an awkward situation where you feel obligated to follow through on the favour in some way if things turn sour! Do you think maybe you did that to make it appear more casual on your part, and now part of the reason you’re so peeved is because you feel you can’t express disappointment in his plans without coming across too strongly in your feelings?

You agreed and he’s kept up his side of the bargain on this occasion re introducing you to other people. Therefore, I think the right thing to do is to suck up the cost. That said, if it’s going to put you into debt, you need to talk to him about it.

I certainly wouldn’t be paying for his ticket to come see you for two days before meeting up with his mates, he is taking you for a mug. If you don’t want to make waves though I would say you didn’t realise how much more expensive it is to fly Aus-UK return rather than the other way around (it is stupidly so) so you will wait until you have a chance to visit him instead.

He had no qualms about making it plain he was using you for a ticket, so return the favour and tell him you can’t/wont/don’t want to anymore. Fuck him. And don’t worry about the contacts, it’s hardly put him out.

Op you did the right thing your finances changed

I'd wait until he mentioned it and then say "Oh, I thought you weren't able to come for 2 weeks anymore? I was under the impression you were still going on to Paris!"

That way, he would as a bare minimum look bad pointing out he is going to Paris still, but wants you to pay anyway!

This ^

Fgsake. Are you for real?
Two contacts for for an expensive trip, which was originally meant to be two weeks, and now turned into 2 days, hardly a fair bloody bargain is it?
Who cares if it's the right thing to do, which it isn't by the way, why should anybody be taken advantage of like that?

Glad you've told him you're not paying OP. You'd feel like an absolute mug looking back on it in months to come. I've erred on the overly generous side in the past as I felt it was the 'right' thing to do, and later realised it was just the foolish thing to do.

He has completely changed the premise of the agreement. And I wouldn't be offering to pay for him at a future time. Giving you a couple of contacts is nothing, as you are friends he could have done that anyway, with or without the promise of the trip.

Glad you have put a stop to this.
Cheeky

You offered to pay for his ticket so you could have a couple of weeks together.

He basically said "I'll have the money to visit my friends"

What a cf!

At least you know how he sees you now.

Glad you got out of this. He totally changed the agreement.

Why did you offer to pay for his ticket? Are you hoping for a ‘romantic’ relationship with this man, if so, forget it, he is not interested. He should not have accepted the offer of a ticket, however allowing you to pay a few thousand pounds for two days of your time tells you he is not very nice.

If you are in the UK then a ticket to Paris is not a huge expense. Say you have had to withdraw the Aus/ UK ticket offer due to financial issues, but are happy to fund his ticket to Paris to see his friends as a Thankyou for the introductions.

@Thebigblueballoon
If you read the thread you’d see I’d already taken it back. Cheers though.

So, you told him it wasn't possible to buy him his ticket. Good job.
Let us know what he says in reply.

BTW--good name change! But why were you giving yourself advice?

Like this:
@Thebigblueballoon · 30/09/2023 11:39

Ah right. Tricky one because the goalposts have moved. Two days is a bit of an insult if you agreed on two weeks together. But you did offer and he’s done you a favour with those contacts.
I’d stick by the suggestion to offer half like pp’s. If he takes issue with that, you’ve got a flag right there.

This wasn’t me, I promise!

(I realise no way of proving at though unless Mumsnet HQ want to come and stand up for me?)

I came to update that I did tell him and he was completely lovely and understanding, so all good.

When someone offers something who in the world asks for any stipulation regarding that. On top of it it was supposed to be to visit you but then he wants to add in friends because of the "convenience " or for whatever reason. Rude again. I don't understand that. Forget all that at this point though because the two of you came to an agreement. He held up his end. However, you could possibly bring up the dilemma with your home and say you were really looking forward to spending time with him but unfortunately you will have to push it off to a later time......?

Oh yay! I am happy it went well for you!

That's good and I am glad you told him and better that he took it well. From your other posts, it sounds like you are stepping back from the relationship too. Yes? No?

As for the other thing with @Thebigblueballoon .
I believe you but really no clue why they responded to that other poster as they did. shrug

Yes, definitely stepping away. I’m changing jobs soon anyway so it’ll die a death.

Good good good😁 don't be so quick to give away your hard earned money!

If a man wants to see you, he will see you, and make the effort himself!

Someone wrote 'he's coming for a 2 day shag'. Not so sure about the shag, as the prostituting man would be too jet lagged to perform, I think.