To not give him the money

[Dodobirds]

I run my own business and I have a bit of a long distance thing with a man in the same industry (although entirely different jobs). It’s just a casual, fun thing when we’re in the same country (he lives in Australia).

I do a lot better financially than he does because of the nature of our jobs.

We had been talking about him coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I said I’d pay for his ticket.

He then asked if I’d pay for it at a certain time of year, so he could go on from the U.K. to Paris, to see some friends for their birthdays.

I was ok with that and asked if, in return, he’d help put me in touch with a couple of people that he knew in the industry, which he did, immediately.

I’ve not booked the ticket yet but two things have changed since he asked me:

1. He has now said he’ll only actually come to visit for 2 days and then go straight to meet his friends, which makes me feel like he’s just wanting a free ticket to see his mates, really.

2. I got hit with a huge, unexpected expense related to my house and am worried about my own finances.

I’m unsure what to do now. I have to see him again in a couple of weeks at ann industry event so I can’t really just cut ties with him, but I don’t really want to pay for his ticket now!

I am aware I said I would though and that he helped me out with those contacts.

He's a cheeky bugger to change it to 2 days!!

Maybe there is a nice French Mademoiselle in Paris he could hit up for the tickets?

This is so weird.

You say it’s like he is a prostitute. But you were fine with it when it’s was for 2 weeks visit. Now it’s not worth it as it’s for 2 days.

Its casual. You are having a bit of fun, when you offered you were under no illusion he was coming to see you for anymore than some fun.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to not pay. You can’t afford it. But is a bit ridiculous to talk about how he is acting like a prostitute. You are clearly acting like a punter. So I don’t think you can judge him.

You were fine with it when it was 2 weeks of casual fun. Now you don’t think it’s value for money so don’t want to.

It will be interesting to see his response.

But I think there are LOTS of handsome Australian men already in London for you to have less expensive causal flings with op so I would just forget about this guy
And slso definitely this!

He's changed the terms which you originally agreed so he's invalidated it. Tell him it's no longer possible for you to pay - put yourself first.

He may disappear from your life, of course.

This... THIS.... ABSOLUTELY THIS 100%

She was paying for a friend to visit her for a couple of weeks of fun, not paying for sex. Him reducing it to 2days showed he didn’t want to spend time with her, which is what reduced it to a ticket for a quick sexual encounter.
Take the sex out of it. Imagine you paid for a friend to come visit you for a few weeks. The friend has another friend in the area who they want to catch up with and go see a couple of times/days. No bother. Now say they want to spend all but 2 days with that other friend without you. You are going to feel very used and that they only bothered with you at all for the ticket. Which is the case here. The fact they get sex out of it is irrelevant

"And I definitely won’t be mentioning the 2 days vs 2 weeks thing."

Why not???

He’s taking the piss.

How much money did his contacts bring in that you otherwise wouldn’t have had access to?

I take back what I said about going halfers. This is the way to do it.

Interested to hear what he has to say in reply to your message, OP.

You can’t take the sex out of it.

Because that’s what he was coming for. She was paying for him to come over and visit and have sex. I would bet If they weren’t shagging, she wouldn’t have offered to pay at all.

I agree she shouldn’t pay for him to come at all.

But judging him and saying he is prostituting himself is odd, when the punter would be the Op. Op was fine when it was 2 weeks. But not 2 days. I get it. But how long he comes for doesn’t change wether ‘it’s like prostitution’

and if it’s like prostitution then Op is the punter. So it’s weird to judge him for it.

A ticket from Australia for a couple of days to spend with him?

He is CF central.

Tell him if he wants to spend a couple of weeks in Paris with his friends, get himself there and you will pay for Paris to UK.

Except I wouldn't because I would definitely feel i was paying for sex and being exploited, and I would have serious ICK.

Please do not fall for feeling too awkward to be assertive about this. Just say 'things have changed for me. I have had a big unexpected bill, and our original understanding was that you would come for two weeks. I don't feel comfortable putting myself under stress to spend 2 days with you. I hope you can make other arrangements' . And do it quickly before he starts arrangements with his Paris friends who are presumably also FWB

He has been downright cheeky - what stops you being plain speaking back?

2 weeks is different. That's a holiday to spend time together, going out, having a lot of fun. 2 weeks is a lot of anyones holiday time, and it shows that the other party enjoys your company and time together as well and values that as well as whatever else happens.

2 days is more a turn up on the shag express to drop your trousers and earn your ticket, then go somewhere else ASAP. It's also worth pointing out that after a 20 hour flight from Oz the person is going to be knackered from the flight and jet lag. So is probably not going to be the best of company for that very limited amount of time in any sense.

I think the OP is right to think of the two things differently. IMO anyway.

I was ok with that and asked if, in return, he’d help put me in touch with a couple of people that he knew in the industry, which he did, immediately.

That's normal business networking, especially amongst friends. Not part of a bribe / bargain involving private payment for long haul air tix.

He basically wants a free ticket to visit his friends in Paris, and is willing to grace you with his presence for 2 days in return - he's not even really bothering to make it look like anything else is he!

Under no circumstances should you put yourself at a financial disadvantage for someone on the grounds that you offered to pay. He's changed the deal, you were paying to give him the means to see you and now he wants you to pay for something different.

Absolutely, helping out when you think he wants to spend two weeks with you is one thing, but a very expensive ticket for the pleasure of his company for two days? Cheeky fucker! I’d decline this time but offer to pay when he has more spare time. Sod the contacts, he’s broken his side of your agreement.

I sent a message to explain and to apologise, and that I’d pay for a trip again in future if I could, if my financial situation changed

Sounds like a wise choice, OP; you're not appearing to renege on it completely but just saying you can't afford it for now, which is the truth

His response will be interesting though ...

I'm mystified by people suggesting you owe him a return flight to Oz in exchange for a couple of industry leads. He should give those to you asd a mate, anyway. He's already changed the goal posts, so you can too. tell him you have to postpone the offer as you have some unexpected renovations. He was pushing it expecting you to pay for round the world tickets in exchange for two nights of his company! He's now seeing others not you. That's rude and you have every right to withdraw the offer since he made clear his change of plans! maybe his French friends can pay for his ticket instead.

It was rude and ungrateful of him to say he would only spend 2 days with you and then be so obvious about the fact that he was more looking forward to going to Paris and meeting his other friends, These kind of casual relationships are hardly worth the hassle

I reckon he's got tickets for the rugby World Cup and just wanted to use you as a stopover!

Do you think it's CF-ery to ask for business contacts? In my profession, people do it all the time. No one would be so miserly as to expect anything in return for them. I share good contacts with others. People put work my way and vice versa.

It is, however, totally CF to accept an offer of extremely expensive plane tickets to visit a friend and then tell the friend you want the tickets but to visit other people instead.

The two actions are not comparable. One is normal, the other is so rude it would put me off the man for good.

I think you message was good, otherwise he would have said he would have spent 2 weeks with you and it would have been hell or he’d have still fucked off as planned.
even if no house costs it’s still fucking cheeky and he must think he’s making you levitate or something during sex for it to be worth £3k 😂 and why is he not just making money out of his gift?

Obviously it’s not CF to ask for business contacts, that’s not what she did, she said if she paid for his ticket to come sleep with her can he give her some business contacts. He gave the contacts.

If the ticket/visit had never been mentioned would you not have asked him to make those 2 intros for you anyway? Do you think he'd have refused or asked for money in return?

Tell him you're sorry but you're no longer able to pay for his ticket. You've had a significant unexpected house expense.

He may be peeved, but tbh if he was already freeloading on you for a free trip to Paris and a quick shag with you it sounds as though the arrangement might have been close to expiry anyway.