The mum didn’t remember me.

[Getfromoutmeroad]

Weird, slightly awkward incident.

Dd started school last year, I saw a few mums at pick, exchange pleasantries etc, there isn’t really a big group of mum friends there, which I’m fine with as I have my friends outside of that, most of them with kids who Dd is friends with.
Dd had her birthday party at the end of the year, I invited all the class, lots came and it was a nice day. One of the mums I’ve said hi to came, my Dd likes her son, I chatted to her at the party, offered drinks etc, she was nice but didn’t join in massively, which is fine and I totally get it.
Saw her the last few days, said hi etc, then today my Dd wants to walk out with her Ds, they walk out holding hands which was very sweet, so we start to chat and then she asks if my dd started this year or if she was in school last year 🤷🏻‍♀️I was a bit surprised and confused and said that she was here last year.
Now I’m thinking I must be so unmemorable 😂how can you literally forget a person whose party you went to
Felt so awkward

I don’t recognise people out of context and neither dies my mum.
It’s not an age thing either.
Yet I can recall details others can’t.
We are all different.

Op this would be me. I don’t recognise people well at all. My mum is the same.

Similar situation but in reverse. DD attended a classmate’s birthday party when she was in Reception. I chatted to the birthday mum for quite a while during the party, we got on really well.

Fast forward a couple of months and I bumped into her in a cafe near the school. We started chatting - I assumed she remembered me - and suddenly she asked me which year my child was in, did I have a boy or girl? I showed her a photo on my phone of DD at her child party and she was mortified!

This was several years ago and we eventually became very close friends😊 I occasionally remind her of the time she completely forgot who I was!

My mom is very good at faces, my dad is bad. I take after my dad. I often look for clues other than the face. I remember a lot of things about the person, I just can't recognize them unless I have specific clues (I'm at work, he's a tall guy with a German accent who's new - aha!).

You should have asked her "Do you know who I am". It worked for Ronnie Pickering he's world famous now. 😂

I don't have a mind's eye [aphantasia] which extends to difficulty in recognising faces of people I haven't often met . Maybe the mum has that , it's more common than you'd think .

I think some people are just good at remembering faces/names and others are not so great at it.
My mum can tell you every single dog she has met on her dog walks, she will remember every last detail about the dog, but peoples names….she’s beyond terrible!
It only took her 5 years to get dhs parents names right😆

Ah OP I think some people (<clears throat> me) are shit at remembering faces.

When I joined the PTA I said to a woman I’d already met that it was nice to meet her, and what was her name. The worst part? I did it again 3 days later. I’m pretty sure she hates me! There was nothing at all ‘forgettable’ about her I’m just a massive dosy fuckwit

Some people have zero interest in people they don't know.
They don't want to get to know anyone new.
It just doesn't occur to them.

So if they don't need to know you, then you could be wearing a clown suit and orange wig, they still would look through you at the school gate.

Some other people are in the market for getting to know people so they are focused on trying to 'connect'.

It's a focusing thing. Zoomed in or Zoomed out.

If it's any consolation, OP, I did the reverse to a school mum recently. I said "oh yes, I don't think we've met, have we?" She said "yes, at least twice".

I am terrible about recognising faces, and told her so, but I think she was offended.

Yes to this. I might not recognise faces but if you asked me about the person I chatted to about X at Y event I could probably recall the conversation word for word.

I have a school mum friend who my child went to nursery with from age 1. It wasn’t until about year 3 that I felt she actually knew who I was! For a long time it was like every time I saw her was the first time for her. I think she’s just a combination of very busy, very scatty, and a bit perimenapausal.

I grew my hair and put on a lot of weight over the Covid lockdown. At a work event early on after Covid a workmate visibly reacted when I opened my mouth and she suddenly recognised my distinctive accent. That was a bit depressing. I had a conversation the next day with another colleague who had not recognised someone who had lost a lot of weight in the same period.

I was once introduced to someone and said that I was sure that I had met them before. They politely informed me that we had been introduced the day before at another event and had spent some time chatting to each other. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. It’s awful because it feels as though you didn’t think much of the other person - which isn’t true. I just have a lot on my mind.

you should have gently reminded her about the party as she may remember later and wonder why you didn’t say - she may have been racking her brain trying to remember where she knew you from but was too embarrassed to ask. It’s no big deal, op.

I have a job which involves me meeting large numbers of people. I have a bad memory and I am always so self conscious when people remember me and I don’t them.

I don’t thinks it’s weird - I just think we are all different.

min this situation i absolutely might have only remembered who you are as I walked home!

I would be that parent.
I have whole conversations with people, then as we walk away have to ask DH who they are.
Yes, YOU have the sort of memory that can easily place people's faces. Other people don't. It's not (necessarily) a slight against you. It's just the way their brain works.

A story for people that don't believe face blindness is real -

I'd got on the bus and looked where to sit.

Everywhere had one person sat per seat row except for the back row, where there was a bloke one side, and empty the other. So I sat there. I walked pretty much passed the bloke.

I had that uncomfortable sensation of being watched and turned to face the man on the other side of the back row.

It was my boyfriend of a year, who I lived with, and who often got that bus. I'd looked directly at him but didnt recognise him.

I've had colleagues who I still don't recognise after months, and most of the school mums I haven't a clue. Its awful.

I once sold some Lego on FB. Man came to collect, we chatted on the doorstep, all good. Later that day I realised I’d forgotten to give him something and arranged to meet him outside a shop to hand it over. Got there, realised I had no idea what he looked like other than he had a small mole above his eyebrow. Luckily he recognised me or I’d have been peering at random eyebrows until I found him.

YABU, in the nicest way, because I don't think she meant to be rude and it's not you. Is this your first time having a child at school? I've been at it 12 years now and honestly when there are so many kids and parents, so many parties (especially in the early primary years), the actual educational stuff you have to keep on top of, add to that being a single working parent with endless things to remember all the time, and stuff just falls out of my head. Even worse when you multiply it by 2 or more kids.

I once actually forgot to invite one of DD's closest friends to her party. That was totally shit of me and I'd met her and her mum plenty of times. I just forgot because I was thinking about a million and one other things and DD didn't remind me and I had to apologise profusely. They are still friends and so are me and the mum! Don't worry about it.

No need to feel awkward, OP.

There's a thing called face blindness. I definitely have it, and it sounds as though the woman you're referring to may have it too. I simply can't remember faces unless I see somebody regularly for quite a long time. Even when I make a special effort to remember facial features it often doesn't work. It's nothing to do with the other person being unmemorable, and in fact it's a matter of considerable embarrassment to me as others (naturally enough) don't understand, and think I'm ignoring them.

Things like that have happened to me enough times that I now just accept that I am not that memorable, just because in my head I'm the main character doesn't mean I am important to anyone else!

@Getfromoutmeroad
Lots of people have memory issues caused by stress / neurological conditions. I am one of them. The mum was pleasant to you, she just forgot. She was probably as embarrassed as you.

To clarify: she met you once at a kids birthday party, 9 months ago, and you've said hi to her, at pick up, a few times?

I wouldn't remember you either in that situation. While many people might, I'm amazed that her forgetting is noteworty to you.

Do you have any other evidence that people find you unmemorable? It seems odd that you’ve made this a you-issue when it’s much more likely that she suffers from face blindness or another memory issue. Is your self esteem a bit low? It’s extremely unlikely that this is caused by anything you did or didn’t do.

Even in the unlikely event that she was snubbing you, that would still say more about her than you.

The other mum is probably cringing over it. Just reach out again next week, and be friendly. If you are finding that your self esteem is low, it can really help to try and find the kindest most compassionate interpretation of people’s behaviours because it protects you from being hurt.

This is common with Autism. Ds (age 9) is autistic and, though very bright, he can’t even pick out himself in his class photos. All his friends have been the most distinctive kids in his class.