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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this CF, and have I been out of order?

1000 replies

IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel · 29/09/2023 10:32

I don't think I am, but this has caused massive fallout.

A few months back 'friend' messaged me, telling me about a big event she was invited to and if I could help her with an outfit / shoes etc. friend is quite a glass half empty sort of person and has incredibly low self esteem so I've always been there for her to help / lift her spirits and just be an all round good friend to her.

I lent her a very expensive pair of shoes, I drove to her and helped with her hair and make up (she's not local to me) as I wanted her to look and feel fabulous for her event.
Yesterday I asked for my shoes back as I have an upcoming wedding to go to. Long story short she sent me an essay about how tough life is for her, and how ashamed she is, that she has sold my pair of shoes. (These are Christian louboutin shoes that were given to me as a wedding present a couple of years back) I told her that I was really angry at this, they weren't her shoes to sell. Friend went on to say she was under the impression that I GAVE her the shoes, and they were her shoes to sell.
I went back to the original message of when I offered them to her and it reads as follows..

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

From my understanding there was nothing about her being able to keep the shoes.

Anyway, I asked her who she sold them to and they were pawned. I called the store, explained that the shoes were mine and they confirmed they still have them and they haven't been sold on.
I told friend this, and told her she must buy the shoes back immediately.

She's agreed to buy them back, but has said that she will go without food, not be able to pay her mortgage for the month, and basically made me sound like a CF for asking her to do this. She's basically turning this whole thing back around on me, telling me that I could easily buy another pair of shoes. (I can't.. I don't have that disposable money as everyone knows how expensive life is at the mo!)

AIBU? I'm lucky I found the store she pawned them to and I'm lucky they haven't been sold on, she sold them recently and I gave them to her only a few months back so it's not as if they've been laying collecting dust under her bed!

She's now saying she won't be able to feed her kids (who are both in their late teens / early twenties May I add) and is trying to guilt trip me into saying don't worry about it.

The shoes have sentimental value, they were given to me by someone very special which is why I would rather have those specific shoes back rather than giving me the money for them. I guess it is my fault really for letting her borrow them. Needless to say, the friendship (of 15 years) is over.

OP posts:
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Original poster
IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel · 30/09/2023 21:19

I was very young when I met her, and I now wonder if she used that to her advantage.

I'm catastrophising here I know. I have so many questions I want to ask her, but I won't.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 21:20

Boomerma1969 · 30/09/2023 21:15

It is pretty out of order that your friend pawned your shoes. That said you obvs know yr friend really well. I would be asking myself if she is in dire financial straits, did she genuinly cock up and thought you had given the shoes to her? Perhaps not, only you know yr friend, but if she is struggling to pay the mortgage, etc, that is a huge emotional strain on someone and wd be worrying her sick. Buy the shoes back, let her pay you back in instalments, but look into yr heart and see if you can find forgiveness there. She may have felt too embarrassed, humiliated to borrow money off a friend. That said you have obvs been a good friend to her to date, doing her hair and make-up etc. If yr friend however is a leech, then you are right to let the friendship fall by the wayside.

Bollocks

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 21:20

IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel · 30/09/2023 16:31

She's not between jobs. She's made some very VERY silly decisions in her life and she's burnt her bridges with a lot of her family, hence turning to her friends. I felt for her and let her in.

Our friendship circle is unaware of her stupid decisions, (life changing stupid decisions) but they are aware she is scatty with money.

I'm going to be making some phone calls tonight to our friends to tell them, factually, what happened. I have phoned 1 of our joint friends and told them what happened, and low and behold CF owes her quite a large sum of money. I don't know how much, I didn't ask, but I'm guessing this will be a running theme now. As we're a nice bunch, we don't ever talk about each other, to each other, so who we've lent / given things to stays private. But I think that's about to change, as the first person I've told, she owes money to.

Just for what it's worth, I do see what you're saying, but this woman isn't on the breadline by any means. She isn't in dire straits, she's just shit with money.

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I think you'll be finding her list of victims is quite long. Make sure you talk with your Mom because I am betting she has been a victim too but might be reluctant to admit it (at my age now, I would feel more foolish about it than when I was younger).

Bookloverjay · 30/09/2023 21:20

What a CF.
Glad your shoes are on their way to you.

Teentaxidriver · 30/09/2023 21:22

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JennyJenny8675309 · 30/09/2023 21:23

Anyone who thinks OP is being “mean” to CF friend had obviously never been taken advantage of by a sneaky, dishonest bitch.

Teentaxidriver · 30/09/2023 21:24

OP ignore the apologists. She is a prize CF. You are best off without her.

StopFuckingTouchingMe · 30/09/2023 21:25

IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel · 30/09/2023 21:19

I was very young when I met her, and I now wonder if she used that to her advantage.

I'm catastrophising here I know. I have so many questions I want to ask her, but I won't.

How did you meet her?

It sounds like you've been groomed and then bled dry.

The more you say about her, the more she sounds like a psychopath.

Original poster
IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel · 30/09/2023 21:25

@Nanaof1

Thank you so much. I don't know why but your post has made me cry. I don't want to cry over her. I think I'm coming to the sad realisation that this woman met me when I was very young. (Not left school..) I've never spoken about how our friendship started, but I was very vulnerable and I thought she was too. We bonded, and as the years went by and as I got older I grew to her and the age became a non-issue.
She didn't always ask for money, or be in this shit situation, but I feel now, sadly, that she has used me or maybe this had been her plan all along.

I just feel like I've been really naive.

OP posts:
SouthShore · 30/09/2023 21:25

Jacesmum1977 · 30/09/2023 18:45

But you are a ‘good’ friend.
You help your ‘friend’ if she needs it.

I understand about sentimental value and I understand that she should or have sold them but…. At the end of the day it is ‘just’ a pair of shoes. Sentimental or not.

Years ago I lent my friend a camera (before pic phones) as se was going out and wanted to capture memories of the event.
Something happened and she lost my camera which had been gifted to me by someone special. We are still great friends today because I valued her friendship more than I valued the camera even though it was a gift to me.

You said yourself that she has had a bad time in life and if she’s a ‘wallower’ then instead of offering her material things, have you tried to help her change how she see’s life? Or how she can move onward and upward? If it was me I’d be very giving positivity and how to change your thoughts from “nothing goes right for me” to “the universe has got my back” and/or other ways to make her feel better.
Not lend a pair of CL shoes that mean so much. I know you did it out of the goodness of your heart.
If you can move forward and still be friends with her, maybe you should both look into the law of attraction and help each other find some mental peace after a shit time.
✌🏻🫶🏻

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You really used part of the limited time you have on this earth to write this irrelevant sanctimonious bollocks?

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 21:30

Greengrassohla · 30/09/2023 16:49

I doubt there will be a criminal investigation as I think a decent lawyer would be able to argue your message to her was ambiguous, and the amount is so small. But I would definitely want to put the wind up her.

I very much doubt that the small claims court will think several hundred pounds is "small". As for a decent lawyer? Who'd pay for that? Soon, the "friend" is not going to have anyone left to grift money from as she has already victimized her family and now all her friends (that she glommed off the OP). Think she'll start a GoFu**Me so gullible people will send her more money? She'll have a lawyer for small claims court? LOL!

As for the "ambiguous message". 99.999999999% of the people here understood the message just fine. It's quite clear there was "no giving" being done plus the grifting, thieving wastetoid KNEW they had been a wedding gift from her brother.

Why are there always people who try and stick up for the one who committed the crime? Makes me wonder.....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/09/2023 21:32

There are always going to be people who will try and tell you to just "suck it up". I always question their motives. Would they suck it up or are they the people who want others to suck it up after they victimized them

It's a valid point, @Nanaof1 - Mumsnet is a large site, people are various, and there can be no certainty that some aren't the type who'd do this themselves and resent seeing others' reactions to it

Fallingthroughclouds · 30/09/2023 21:32

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amiboverd · 30/09/2023 21:34

OP I think people telling you to suck it up are being a bit unfair. Your friend was out of order and why shouldn't you tell the rest of the group to help prevent similar happening.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 30/09/2023 21:35

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Glad it's not just me.

Although "supercilious" and "kiss ass" are contradictory,.so I probably wouldn't think that.

Jojo83j · 30/09/2023 21:37

I’m sorry. But her going without food is her problem. Not yours.
she created the problem in the first place. Actions have consequences. This is her consequence if you ask me.
I would feel no guilt if I was you. You helped a so called friend out for them to literally stab you in the back.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 21:39

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The devastating effects that are purely the result of cf cheeky fucker thieving behaviour?

Fallingthroughclouds · 30/09/2023 21:39

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/09/2023 21:40

why shouldn't you tell the rest of the group to help prevent similar happening

That's the whole point isn't it?
If Op had started a named witchhunt all over social media things would be different, but sensibly she hasn't. Instead she's told the people most likely to be targeted, and in her position I'd blame myself if I didn't do that

And yes, I realise they've all been targeted already, but at least they now know to avoid making it any worse

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 21:43

sofasunday · 30/09/2023 16:54

The direct quote is:

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

You missed out the part where OP said she doesn’t need them. That’s the part that can be misconstrued imo.

Show quote history

Except she does NOT say "she DOESN'T need them for the time being". She says, "she WON'T need them for the time being". BIG BIG difference. PLUS, she says "For the time being", which to anyone with any sense means, "WILL need in the future". Add to that fact that the conniving, selfish twat waffle KNEW they were a wedding gift from her brother and there is no court in the world that would side with the tw. Nothing to be "misconstrued" as long as one knows how to read.

StopFuckingTouchingMe · 30/09/2023 22:01

They really aren't. A year 6 English Language class could teach you that supercilious and sycophantic are a very happy pairing, you can achieve both successfully. Plenty of proof of that throughout Mumsnet

You're on such a wind up. Stop derailing.

Elwina · 30/09/2023 22:02

Sounds as she hasn't much conscience .
You must have done the right thing by being kind but now seems as you are better off cutting ties.

Latenightreader · 30/09/2023 22:07

MagentaRocks · 30/09/2023 19:23

I think ‘buy the shoes back’ is the new ‘cancel the cheque’.

OP has already stated, more than once that she has bought the shoes back.

I was about to post this message pretty much word for word. Glad I RTFT first…

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 22:11

Aavalon57 · 30/09/2023 18:08

OP, wouldn't it be ironic if the VVVVCF agreed to pay back but then tried to borrow from the other friends to do so! I think you are doing the right thing, you need to warn your friends and you need to hold CF to account. No doubt she'll sack you all off soon and look for the next lot of people she can fleece. Good luck.

This is exactly why I think the OP needs to tell her friends right away. The CFer will try and borrow money from the OP's friends and family to pay back OP and never, ever pay them back (since she has repaid no debts so far). Or she'll send her kids out with a sob story to those same friends and family. They deserve to know sooner than later. (I think OP is working on that now.)

CustardySergeant · 30/09/2023 22:15

"This is exactly why I think the OP needs to tell her friends right away."

She has and has discovered that the CF owes all of them money.

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