Is this CF, and have I been out of order?

[IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel]

I don't think I am, but this has caused massive fallout.

A few months back 'friend' messaged me, telling me about a big event she was invited to and if I could help her with an outfit / shoes etc. friend is quite a glass half empty sort of person and has incredibly low self esteem so I've always been there for her to help / lift her spirits and just be an all round good friend to her.

I lent her a very expensive pair of shoes, I drove to her and helped with her hair and make up (she's not local to me) as I wanted her to look and feel fabulous for her event.
Yesterday I asked for my shoes back as I have an upcoming wedding to go to. Long story short she sent me an essay about how tough life is for her, and how ashamed she is, that she has sold my pair of shoes. (These are Christian louboutin shoes that were given to me as a wedding present a couple of years back) I told her that I was really angry at this, they weren't her shoes to sell. Friend went on to say she was under the impression that I GAVE her the shoes, and they were her shoes to sell.
I went back to the original message of when I offered them to her and it reads as follows..

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

From my understanding there was nothing about her being able to keep the shoes.

Anyway, I asked her who she sold them to and they were pawned. I called the store, explained that the shoes were mine and they confirmed they still have them and they haven't been sold on.
I told friend this, and told her she must buy the shoes back immediately.

She's agreed to buy them back, but has said that she will go without food, not be able to pay her mortgage for the month, and basically made me sound like a CF for asking her to do this. She's basically turning this whole thing back around on me, telling me that I could easily buy another pair of shoes. (I can't.. I don't have that disposable money as everyone knows how expensive life is at the mo!)

AIBU? I'm lucky I found the store she pawned them to and I'm lucky they haven't been sold on, she sold them recently and I gave them to her only a few months back so it's not as if they've been laying collecting dust under her bed!

She's now saying she won't be able to feed her kids (who are both in their late teens / early twenties May I add) and is trying to guilt trip me into saying don't worry about it.

The shoes have sentimental value, they were given to me by someone very special which is why I would rather have those specific shoes back rather than giving me the money for them. I guess it is my fault really for letting her borrow them. Needless to say, the friendship (of 15 years) is over.

I wonder if there was even an event in the first place. Perhaps this is a ploy she uses regularly to get pricey items from friends and sell them on Ebay/Vinted etc.

I am bitter! She sold my shoes and I've just had to pay over £300 to get them back!

@Chocbuttonsandredwine - I doubt the police will do any more than answer the phone, record the incident, and issue a crime number - which shouldn’t take up too much of their time, or be too expensive.

But then she’ll feel free to screw over other ‘friends’ if she has no consequences. OP has been able to buy back the shoes, but others might not have that financial option.

How will the CF learn if not by consequences? She clearly has no shame and isn’t bothered about what she’s done. A crime ref and a small claims court action will pretty much ensure she never does anything like this again. If she’d apologised profusely and empathised with the OP, showing herself desperate to get the shoes back, then those things would be an overreaction, but she doesn’t give a damn. She brought this on herself by stealing, by betraying her supposed friend, and by metaphorically shrugging her shoulders when she was discovered.

She's not between jobs. She's made some very VERY silly decisions in her life and she's burnt her bridges with a lot of her family, hence turning to her friends. I felt for her and let her in.

Our friendship circle is unaware of her stupid decisions, (life changing stupid decisions) but they are aware she is scatty with money.

I'm going to be making some phone calls tonight to our friends to tell them, factually, what happened. I have phoned 1 of our joint friends and told them what happened, and low and behold CF owes her quite a large sum of money. I don't know how much, I didn't ask, but I'm guessing this will be a running theme now. As we're a nice bunch, we don't ever talk about each other, to each other, so who we've lent / given things to stays private. But I think that's about to change, as the first person I've told, she owes money to.

Just for what it's worth, I do see what you're saying, but this woman isn't on the breadline by any means. She isn't in dire straits, she's just shit with money.

@BreatheAndFocus I fully agree! Allowing these types to go unchecked only encourages them and that is the last thing they need!

I refuse to believe that she thought:

a) the shoes were gifted to her
b) she was legally okay to pawn them

If I were the OP I would 100% pursue this through small claims court if necessary. However, most CFs back down and pay when they realise that others are (quite rightly) willing to challenge them!

I did ask her to try and put it right.

I asked her to buy the items and order them to my house. Since then I've had manipulative messages.

See if she was genuinely apologetic and offered to try and pay for them on a payment plan, I would probably accept it and then refuse the money with a note to never lend her anything again.

But she isn’t. She’s gaslighting you into thinking that what she did is ok, and you’re leaving her and her kids starving and you’re a mean bully

do not agree to any arrangement with her. It will complicate the criminal investigation!

OP, I want to say it’s a bad idea to send her the crime reference number. When you report a crime, it’s in the hands of the police and you shouldn’t really be contacting her about the crime. I think just having the number in a letter, might be misconstrued that you’re blackmailing/harassing her for money to drop the police investigation. Like you’re asking for a bribe. Which probably wouldn’t be a good look. I would send her a letter before action using the template on gov.uk website- don’t add anything extra. It needs to be legally watertight

😂😂😂at the idea it’s ‘mean’ to tell the rest of your friends about this chancer/ CF/poor excuse for a human being parasitic thief
Actually it would be mean to all her decent friends NOT to quietly warn them so that they also don’t get robbed.
Loyalty should be to good friends, not criminals

karma will catch up with her? Maybe yes right now with the Op telling her friends and the friends being warned off her.

I used to be a hold my tongue and be the bigger person sort, but actually that just meant that the person who fucked me over bad mouthed me and got her version of the story in first.

I doubt there will be a criminal investigation as I think a decent lawyer would be able to argue your message to her was ambiguous, and the amount is so small. But I would definitely want to put the wind up her.

I don't think the message was ambiguous. In what way is 'you can wear them for the time being' not clear that she has to give them back?

The direct quote is:

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

You missed out the part where OP said she doesn’t need them. That’s the part that can be misconstrued imo.

yes but 'for the time being' means a finite point in time that the OP does not need them. I do not consider that to be ambiguous at all.

What a shitty friend she has been!
I'd make sure everyone knew what she'd been up too

There is absolutely no need for a criminal investigation or a lawyer (I doubt CF would be able to pay for one anyway). The crime number is purely for the Money Claim Online thing since OP has had an item stolen from her and is attempting to recover the cost of getting her own item back. The fact that she has reported the theft to the police is just to establish what she has good reason to believe has happened.

You think she’s going to employ a decent lawyer?

@sofasunday You can’t just read half a sentence!

The op said ‘I don’t need them for the time being’ the ‘for the time being’ is kinda the important bit that makes it clear the shoes are on loan!!

tbh if I am a decent lawyer is up to question (I can say that i have had the opposite flung at me many a time in my career as a family lawyer) but i certainly would not mind going to a judge with that text! (I don't do small claims though sadly).

@sofasunday The OP said that her 'friend' also attended her wedding, so knows that the OPs brother gave them to his sister as a wedding present and 'friend' knew how special the shoes were to her. She knew damn well that she wasn't just giving them to her for her to sell!

Well it all depends on how much you want the shoes back..... she is definitely not going to do it so unless you do you risk someone else entirely picking them up!
And she's not a friend in any shape or form.

You don't need to explain the value of the shoes to you on a personal level. They were/are your shoes, and she had absolutely no right to sell them. That is theft. I would give her notice that you intend to report to the police unless she rectifies what she's done. Even if she has fallen on hard times, (haven't we all), that doesn't exonerate her or given her the right to do what she's done. That is not friendship, that is not a friend.