Is this CF, and have I been out of order?

[IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel]

I don't think I am, but this has caused massive fallout.

A few months back 'friend' messaged me, telling me about a big event she was invited to and if I could help her with an outfit / shoes etc. friend is quite a glass half empty sort of person and has incredibly low self esteem so I've always been there for her to help / lift her spirits and just be an all round good friend to her.

I lent her a very expensive pair of shoes, I drove to her and helped with her hair and make up (she's not local to me) as I wanted her to look and feel fabulous for her event.
Yesterday I asked for my shoes back as I have an upcoming wedding to go to. Long story short she sent me an essay about how tough life is for her, and how ashamed she is, that she has sold my pair of shoes. (These are Christian louboutin shoes that were given to me as a wedding present a couple of years back) I told her that I was really angry at this, they weren't her shoes to sell. Friend went on to say she was under the impression that I GAVE her the shoes, and they were her shoes to sell.
I went back to the original message of when I offered them to her and it reads as follows..

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

From my understanding there was nothing about her being able to keep the shoes.

Anyway, I asked her who she sold them to and they were pawned. I called the store, explained that the shoes were mine and they confirmed they still have them and they haven't been sold on.
I told friend this, and told her she must buy the shoes back immediately.

She's agreed to buy them back, but has said that she will go without food, not be able to pay her mortgage for the month, and basically made me sound like a CF for asking her to do this. She's basically turning this whole thing back around on me, telling me that I could easily buy another pair of shoes. (I can't.. I don't have that disposable money as everyone knows how expensive life is at the mo!)

AIBU? I'm lucky I found the store she pawned them to and I'm lucky they haven't been sold on, she sold them recently and I gave them to her only a few months back so it's not as if they've been laying collecting dust under her bed!

She's now saying she won't be able to feed her kids (who are both in their late teens / early twenties May I add) and is trying to guilt trip me into saying don't worry about it.

The shoes have sentimental value, they were given to me by someone very special which is why I would rather have those specific shoes back rather than giving me the money for them. I guess it is my fault really for letting her borrow them. Needless to say, the friendship (of 15 years) is over.

Perhaps, but once the OP called them up and notified them that the shoes were stolen they broke the law by not removing them from sale immediately.

Op while she stole, was out of linen you definitely shouldn't keep the friendship up(well you won't after I read the thread, newspaper etc!) Please don't do the 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' thing-they're obviously very strapped for cash and while her son needs to know that they need to find a way out of poverty, you talking about him like that, you just seem nicer than that. Also try not to have your friends take sides, if they're that stuck it's not fair that their family lose friends over a stupid decision on her part

I'm a bit lost as to how this is the pawn brokers fault at all? She provided ID and sold the shoes, do you need to provide proof of ownership for everything you pawn? I don't keep receipts for expensive bags etc. If not how were they supposed to know they were stolen? Plus they aren't going to just return things to you just because you rang them, anyone could do that and make up a story. If you had a crime number that would be different but you don't yet.

@stayathomer

Whao!

If it had been a genuine mistake, the CF would have been contrite and doing everything possible to get the shoes back, not trying to blame the OP for her financial problems.

And yes, unfortunately, our bad behaviour does affect our children's behaviour and/or their reputation.

If they have any reason to believe that goods may be stolen, they are not allowed to sell them until they have established the truth.

Someone phoning them up and saying, "These shoes are mine, they were stolen" is enough of a good reason to remove them from sale until you know what the truth of the matter is. Why wouldn't you call before getting a crime reference number? In the time it takes to go down to the police station and get one the stolen item might have been sold.

The son is an adult. Old enough to get a job, and apparently still living at home with his mother. He shouldn't be strapped for cash.

And of course the OP should warn her friends, otherwise they will be next!

And yes, unfortunately, our bad behaviour does affect our children's behaviour and/or their reputation.
Hi smum stole, he asked for money. I personally wouldn't class that as 'apple doesn't fall far from he tree'. Just trying to give some perspective. And yes the op's friend was ridiculously out of line, all I'm saying is she shouldn't lose all of her friends as a result

And of course the OP should warn her friends, otherwise they will be next!
Depends on whether warning or letting them know, yes if they know they can watch out but if the lady loses all her friends when she's obviously at a low point that seems as bad. Nobody is a winner out of this but no need to dump people into the mud either!

Your posts contain no perspective.

It is all very very clear. There isn't another side to this.

Your posts contain no perspective
Well, does it not contain my perspective?! If I ever do something and my son does something unrelated but not seen as the norm, I'd rather people don't say 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree, we're all human, we all make mistakes, some are bigger than others and I don't believe a family should be judged on the actions of one. And if you ever did something stupid to one friend, I don't know that you should lose all of your friends as a result.

@stayathomer It's not actually normal to view your friends and family as a source of money.

Most of us wouldn't dream of asking others for money unless we really were in seriously dire straits, so we tend to assume that others wouldn't either. But some people are just cheeky fuckers who see their well meaning friends as an ATM.

The CF's son is an adult who lives with his mother. He should have a job, and be able to pay his bills, which should be minimal if he still lives at home. If he has asked the OP's brother for money the chances are he's asked other people for money too. Asking two different people a month to spot you a hundred quid could be a nice little earner.

So yes, it looks like he's learned these tricks from his dear mum.

Cynical way to view it- I’d view it as they are in dire straits and would give the benefit of the doubt that maybe they’re between jobs/ can’t find a job. I don’t know though. You could be right

Excuse me are you diagnosing several people with mental illnesses on here? Do you have a medical background or are you just a rude loser?

I think @Eskimal is talking from her own experience with someone she knows, and theorising that she may be neurodivergent, @Lolly2507 . She isn’t referring to anyone on here.

Have you not read all the posts from OP?

This isn't a one off of taking advantage.

She has been introduced to family and friends and has a history of taking.

The fact that she has a son that has also been tapping up OP's brother for money illustrates perfectly 'that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.

They sound like a family of chancers.

The OP is most definitely correct to inform her family and friends to cut off these grifters.

You may seek to see the best in people, but going on what @IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel has shared here, this friend and her family are leeches.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius to clarify I mean that it's wildly inappropriate and pretty hurtful to anyone ND or with loved ones that are ND for @Eskimal to be on here not only diagnosing just the person she knows but OP's friend too just based on what they've read on here. Both of those people seem horrible sure. But what basis does anyone besides a trained psychiatrist have to be throwing around things like that? Foul.

Make sure she buys them back and end the friendship

Just because someone says, ‘End of’, it doesn’t mean it is the end of. It might help to read at least the OP’s posts before adding your own thoughts.

She can go to a foodbank to feed the family and she can speak to the bank about the mortgage. Stand your ground.

shes a CF, never speak to her again

I can’t see any diagnosis in my post. I can see a lot of use of the word or. Many people with ADHD are good people. Many people with ADHD have fallen foul of the law (check out some studies on the incidence of undiagnosed ADHD in the prison population). This does not mean that every ND person is is bad just because I’ve mentioned it.
you’re putting 1 and 7 together and making 82!

OP just had to pay hundreds of pounds to buy her OWN shoes back? I absolutely dont think any of what she is planning to do is taking it too far. She is absolutely entitled to report it and try to recuperate her losses!

I can’t imagine the cost of reporting this to the police and subsequent use of their time.

But also broadcasting it on group chat and telling all of their mural friends? It’s all a bit “Mean Girls”

Also What are the repercussions of this? The CF ends up with no friends? Her already fragile mental health takes a dive? She ends up trying to take her own life because everyone is talking about her and it’s in the national papers?

yes it’s shit, yes she’s a CF, no the OP shouldn’t have had to pay for her own shoes, but as far as I’m aware she hasn’t really given her the opportunity to put this right before going all out tonto. Message her, tell her you want £50 for the next 4 or 5 months. Or the full amount by xx or you’ll be forced to contact the police.

just think. That’s all.

Nobody is a winner out of this but no need to dump people into the mud either!
The mud was created by the CF. And previously if was CF winner and OP loser, CF still is winning as she has the shoe sale money.

My mouth hung open reading this. She's a cheeky bitch of the highest order!
Please make sure you ditch her as a friend.

Well for what it's worth OP you sound like a really good friend x

Well for what it's worth OP you sound like a really good friend

Indeed. I'm shocked at the people thinking that warning other people about this chancer is Mean Girls. The OP introduced this woman to her friends and family, so she has a certain responsability to warn them what she is like.

If I were going to rip off someone, it wouldn't be the person who has been there for me for years. It's a total betrayal of their friendship on top of the theft.