Is this CF, and have I been out of order?

[IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel]

I don't think I am, but this has caused massive fallout.

A few months back 'friend' messaged me, telling me about a big event she was invited to and if I could help her with an outfit / shoes etc. friend is quite a glass half empty sort of person and has incredibly low self esteem so I've always been there for her to help / lift her spirits and just be an all round good friend to her.

I lent her a very expensive pair of shoes, I drove to her and helped with her hair and make up (she's not local to me) as I wanted her to look and feel fabulous for her event.
Yesterday I asked for my shoes back as I have an upcoming wedding to go to. Long story short she sent me an essay about how tough life is for her, and how ashamed she is, that she has sold my pair of shoes. (These are Christian louboutin shoes that were given to me as a wedding present a couple of years back) I told her that I was really angry at this, they weren't her shoes to sell. Friend went on to say she was under the impression that I GAVE her the shoes, and they were her shoes to sell.
I went back to the original message of when I offered them to her and it reads as follows..

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

From my understanding there was nothing about her being able to keep the shoes.

Anyway, I asked her who she sold them to and they were pawned. I called the store, explained that the shoes were mine and they confirmed they still have them and they haven't been sold on.
I told friend this, and told her she must buy the shoes back immediately.

She's agreed to buy them back, but has said that she will go without food, not be able to pay her mortgage for the month, and basically made me sound like a CF for asking her to do this. She's basically turning this whole thing back around on me, telling me that I could easily buy another pair of shoes. (I can't.. I don't have that disposable money as everyone knows how expensive life is at the mo!)

AIBU? I'm lucky I found the store she pawned them to and I'm lucky they haven't been sold on, she sold them recently and I gave them to her only a few months back so it's not as if they've been laying collecting dust under her bed!

She's now saying she won't be able to feed her kids (who are both in their late teens / early twenties May I add) and is trying to guilt trip me into saying don't worry about it.

The shoes have sentimental value, they were given to me by someone very special which is why I would rather have those specific shoes back rather than giving me the money for them. I guess it is my fault really for letting her borrow them. Needless to say, the friendship (of 15 years) is over.

Yanbu.

I think with something as expensive as Louboutins, if you were giving them away it would have been clearly made more explicit, and likewise if she genuinely thought they were a GIFT rather than a loan I would have expected her to have made a bit more noise about it at the time to check you were sure and to thank you etc, which would then have flushed out the misunderstanding. Also did she know they were a WEDDING gift?! If so she's got to have known you wouldn't just give them away!

Hard times or not, she's behaved terribly imho

This is beyond cf behaviour, I'm honestly astonished!

I'm glad you are getting them back.

I'd definitely see if there's any legal action to get your money back, like small claims court.

Small claims court possibly OP?

This is up there with Mexican House Thief.

You need to take action against 2 parties here -

Friend - for selling your property without your permission

Pawn shop - for selling stolen goods

You can complaint to police about these two for the reasons mentioned. Police will find out how much money friend receive. In the end both parties should make sure you get your money back. Shop is also responsible, if they don't do any due diligence before buying such expensive items, they are enabling sales of stolen goods. You have nothing more to lose now.

And for you, lesson is dont lend such expensive things or the ones with sentimental value. Nobody needs to borrow Christian Louboutin for an event.

Thank you everyone, I've read all the replies. The shoes are on their way back to me.

This afternoon / evening I've been met with nothing but manipulation from her, really nasty messages. I haven't bitten back to any of them and I'm keeping quiet until k figure out my next move.

I've called my immediate family and told them about what happened. My brother was nothing short of fucking livid.

The next step is to write her a letter (thanks to the help of PPs) and after that, if I get nowhere, small claims. I've done a bit of reading and it looks quite simple.

I've been talking to DH about it, and something which I totally forgot about. Last year I asked her to look after DC who was a baby, for a couple of hours while went went out for a meal. I remember now she text us after with her bank details so we could pay her. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Now it all makes sense! I'm just so, so glad my shoes are on their way back to me. After this is done i will never, ever speak to her again.

Just wanted to add although there is ample evidence this "friend" is an uber-CF, dishonest and manipulative, looking on the bright side: (a) those sentimental shoes could have been sold any time, and weren't, the universe was on your side, (b) you've got her number now, she won't take you or your family/friends in like this again, (c) you've got support, validation and help writing to her from this thread, (d) you've got an extremely good chance of either enforcing a payment plan or getting a CCJ against her, (e) it was within your means to buy them back, annoying though it was to have to do so. So, once you've put the stress behind you, it's going to turn out ok! Deep breaths, OP. What doesn't kill you etc etc.🌼

Oh good, you have told your brother. Does he have any proof of purchase? I was going to say that you have to tell your family, really, as you said she was a family friend. x

Just read all your posts op and I’m actually furious for you.

I think she’s starting with the nasty messages in the hope you’ll get upset and back down. I think keeping quiet with her just now is the best thing.

I’m glad your shoes are on their way back to you but it’s outrageous you’ve had to buy them back. I fully understand you doing that though, I’d panic about them being bought whilst you waited for her to do the right thing. Any decent person who sold them on as a mistake on thinking they now owned them would be so apologetic, they would be rushing to buy them back (if they could) and just be so remorseful. They wouldn’t send nasty messages.

If she’s claiming she needed to sell them to pay her bills etc then what has she been doing without your shoes?

Buy them back, end the friendship and move on. She’s not a friend if she does that and if her kids are late teens/early twenties, they should be working and earning (if not away at Uni)?

The ex friend is a cheeky bint !

BUT TBH - I really do not think the police will be in a position to do anything or even have the inclination.

Ask for the money back - get what you can before you let everyone know what she did.

Her behaviour is absolutely outrageous! I can't believe the depths of CFery. I'm furious for you! A thing I would be concerned about is the condition that the shoes are in. I hope that they are in the condition and state that they were in, when you lent them to her. I assume that because the pawn shop bought them, they must be in good enough condition, but I hope that she wasn't parading about in them on a daily basis and causing more wear to them (seeing as she "thought" that you'd given them to her!).

I'm glad you're getting your shoes back but I think you'll have to drag her to court to get a penny out of her. What a horrible "friend" she is.

The letter by @weirdoboelady is great. Keep it factual, no emotion. No soft wording - no apologies that it's come to this, or maybe you misunderstood but..., that kind of thing.

Just:

• I lent you the shoes
• the messages from both of us are clear on this
• by selling them without my permission you committed an act of theft
• by representing yourself as the owner of the shoes you also committed fraud
• I've reported the crimes
• I expect full payment of £X by (date).

This. Total CF.

Your message was very clear, there is no way she could of misunderstood what you said. She should buy them back but as you've said they are sentimental I think you need to buy them before someone else does. Also never speak to her again. She sounds awful

I can't believe she sold your shoes!! Of course your brother is livid. I'm pissed off for you too.

I know you've had to buy them back but I'm glad they are getting back to you

I know this isn't the point but did she also know what theses shoes meant to you?
I'm gobsmacked by her fuckery.

The suggestion to do the chargeback after buying the shoes is possibly effective, but really dishonest in itself. It is abusing the chargeback system and it should be a small claims court claim.

I do not think the police would class it as criminal or stolen goods, therefore the shop probably would not either. It is a civil matter.

I would publicise this to all the friend group, it is not petty, it is the truth and they need to be warned about her.

Op , if you report this to police they can compel the shop,to,hold,the, as they are evidence and can't be sold .

I'm afraid what she has committed is theft. I'd report it, the police can treat it as restorative justice that she pays the pawn shop back without you bro g out of pocket and getting the shoes back

I wouldn't feel any guilt in doing this at all. She is at fault here not you.

If the thief is delaying buying back your shoes, threaten her with legal action at the small claims court. It may be enough to get her asss in gear and for her to stop manipulating her way out of it.

She's a CF and an idiot.

Don't trust her again and don't let her off with it because she's a cheeky sod and not the sharpest tool in the box.

Last year I asked her to look after DC who was a baby, for a couple of hours while went went out for a meal. I remember now she text us after with her bank details so we could pay her. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Now it all makes sense!

I don't follow? Now what all makes sense?

Yanbu make her buy them back, the cheeky cow.

Why would a charge back be dishonest?! The shop never had legal ownership of the shoes since they were stolen property, and OP had already alerted them to the fact. Their obligation at that point would have been to remove them from sale and wait for OP to provide proof of ownership.

I do believe most banks require an attempt at resolution before agreeing to a charge back, so in OP's, ahem, shoes I would

1. report the theft and get a crime number
2. provide that to the shop, together with ideally brother's CC records/else his written statements and a copy of emails with friend tracing the shies origin.
3. ask shop for repayment and set a deadline
4. if no refund, approach bank (fraudulent transaction, they were knowingly selling stolen goods.)

Much better chance of getting her money back than even with a small claims judgment, and considerable less hassle. And OP won't have to deal with her cunty friend... who will get her comeuppance when the shop cones after her.

Hopefully she does but I think op has to face the real possibility that she won't. And put it down to experience