Is this CF, and have I been out of order?

[IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel]

I don't think I am, but this has caused massive fallout.

A few months back 'friend' messaged me, telling me about a big event she was invited to and if I could help her with an outfit / shoes etc. friend is quite a glass half empty sort of person and has incredibly low self esteem so I've always been there for her to help / lift her spirits and just be an all round good friend to her.

I lent her a very expensive pair of shoes, I drove to her and helped with her hair and make up (she's not local to me) as I wanted her to look and feel fabulous for her event.
Yesterday I asked for my shoes back as I have an upcoming wedding to go to. Long story short she sent me an essay about how tough life is for her, and how ashamed she is, that she has sold my pair of shoes. (These are Christian louboutin shoes that were given to me as a wedding present a couple of years back) I told her that I was really angry at this, they weren't her shoes to sell. Friend went on to say she was under the impression that I GAVE her the shoes, and they were her shoes to sell.
I went back to the original message of when I offered them to her and it reads as follows..

'I have a pair of X you can wear, I won't need them for the time being so you can wear these if they fit you, you will look fabulous.'

From my understanding there was nothing about her being able to keep the shoes.

Anyway, I asked her who she sold them to and they were pawned. I called the store, explained that the shoes were mine and they confirmed they still have them and they haven't been sold on.
I told friend this, and told her she must buy the shoes back immediately.

She's agreed to buy them back, but has said that she will go without food, not be able to pay her mortgage for the month, and basically made me sound like a CF for asking her to do this. She's basically turning this whole thing back around on me, telling me that I could easily buy another pair of shoes. (I can't.. I don't have that disposable money as everyone knows how expensive life is at the mo!)

AIBU? I'm lucky I found the store she pawned them to and I'm lucky they haven't been sold on, she sold them recently and I gave them to her only a few months back so it's not as if they've been laying collecting dust under her bed!

She's now saying she won't be able to feed her kids (who are both in their late teens / early twenties May I add) and is trying to guilt trip me into saying don't worry about it.

The shoes have sentimental value, they were given to me by someone very special which is why I would rather have those specific shoes back rather than giving me the money for them. I guess it is my fault really for letting her borrow them. Needless to say, the friendship (of 15 years) is over.

The problem is the cf signed them over, presumably with the box and the shoe bag which is what you would have if they were legally yours, and the OP says she doesn’t have proof of ownership since they were a gift - apart from her wedding photos. I think the shop acted in good faith and most people would accept that they did.

I'm mouth-open at this, and I'm not normally the type to be ruffled by anything. It's the sentimental attachment that gets to me. Your wedding shoes! Whether or not she knew about your brother having given them to you, she will have known they were your wedding shoes and that they were custom-made.

Putting myself in her frame of mind (I was going to say "in her shoes"...), this is so astonishingly DESPERATE on her part. Is she really as desperate for money as she is saying, with DC in their late teens/early 20s? So desperate she has nobody to turn to and has to STEAL from a friend? This seems so implausible to me - no money for food, but invited to and somehow able to wear expensive gear to a black tie do. Is that possible? Honestly, I would be half-inclined to wonder if she's got something against you. It's borderline vindictive to sell someone's wedding shoes for money.

It's still the shop's problem because they didn't have the right to sell the goods. It's up to them to do their own due diligence. The box and the bag are not proof of ownership, so if that's all they've got to go on, they didn't do enough. Stolen goods are a very common problem in the pawnbroking industry. That's why they are supposed to ask questions of the seller and carry out various checks to ascertain ownership. If they accept goods without proof of purchase they are taking a risk that they end up out of pocket if the goods turn out to be stolen.

I agree that the OP needs to gather whatever proof she can though, so in addition to the screen shots of the conversation with her ex friend she should ask her brother for the proof of purchase. He hopefully he will be able to find a record of it in his bank statements, and if he doesn't have the receipt anymore the shop he bought the shoes from might well be able to provide a copy.

I haven't even presented her with the letter yet as I'm waiting until I've finished work to type it out. But I've just received a myriad of messages from her basically telling me that I've overcomplicated things, that I'm stressing her out, and that I need to be patient.

I cannot actually believe this.
This was in response to me asking if she would please buy the shoes back from the pawn broker.

I can't even speak to her, as if I speak to her now I'll say something I regret.

I actually feel sick that a life long friend has done this to me. My suspicions of her manipulating me are now confirmed. She's got absolutely no shame whatsoever. Excuse my language, but what a cunt.

Thank you to all of you for helping me with writing this letter to her. I'll do it this evening. I'm genuinely shocked, and I'm really, really hurt.

She needs to find someone else to sponge off to make her mortgage this month. She's awful

Christ, this is awful.

I'm lad they are on their way back to you.

Hopefully you can recuperate a few quid out of her before you cut her out and let all your mutual friends know what happened.

I haven't even presented her with the letter yet as I'm waiting until I've finished work to type it out. But I've just received a myriad of messages from her basically telling me that I've overcomplicated things, that I'm stressing her out, and that I need to be patient.

"No YOU overcomplicated things by selling shoes that weren't yours. Any stress you feel is on you.

You need to pay me back immediately."

@IDontCareMatthewImSpeakingToRachel If I were you I would hold off on the letter to your friend for now.

Your priorities should be:

• making sure you have screen shots of your entire conversation with her, in particular the initial messages where you agree to lend her the shoes, so that she can't delete her replies from the conversation
• asking your brother to try and dig out proof of purchase, ideally in the form of a receipt, but if not a bank statement, or he could contact the shop he bought them from and ask for a copy of the receipt
• reporting the incident to the police and asking for a crime reference number

If you can prove that you own the shoes and have reported the theft to the police, I'm pretty sure the shop has to refund you. They never had ownership of the shoes in the first place so they had no legal right to sell them and have to return them to their rightful owner.

I was thinking earlier that if you send letters to both her and the pawnbrokers, there is a slight risk that you might end up getting a refund from the pawnbrokers, and then she also pays you back, and then the pawnbroker pursues her for their financial loss incurred in refunding you. This would be no less than she deserves but it would be a headache to sort out.

So what you could do is send one last text saying, "Hi ex friend. I have taken screen shots of our entire conversation proving that the shoes were a loan, not a gift, and got my brother to provide proof of purchase. I have had to re-purchase the shoes from the pawnbroker at a cost of X. Here are my bank details. I expect to see the money in my bank account by Tuesday. If you have not paid me by then I will report this matter to the police so I can get a refund from the pawnbroker. The pawnbroker will then most likely pursue you in the small claims court and if you do not pay you will end up with a CCJ against your name."

It’s all about her, isn’t it? I do wish you luck with getting your money back.

Fucking hell I'm stunned someone could do something so awful to a FRIEND. She's just awful.

Kind of hope the Daily Mail pick this one up so she can read what others think about such terrible behaviour. All I can think of as a reason is could she be on drugs?

I’m no wordsmith, OP. But I’d just keep it factual.

Dear CF

Letter Before Action

On ** a pair of <shoe description> was loaned to you by me.

On or around ** date, you sold said shoes to <insert name of pawnbroker>. This was done without my consent.

To regain said shoes, it has been necessary for me to pay xxx to <pawnbroker>. This financial loss is as a result of your actions, and I require to be reimbursed in full by xx date. (At least 21 days in the future).

In the event of none payment, an application to Small Claims will be made and the cost of doing so added to the amount required to reimburse me for the cost of recovering the shoes.

include some payment details, so she doesn’t have to respond and ask for them.

Im sure someone with better words will be along…

I wonder if her recent replies mean she's seen this thread, and she can't cope with everyone agreeing with you.

Sorry updated as I just saw the other updates.

I think it's really worth just writing to her firmly, forget the headed paper, saying you have bought them back. That she owes you £xxx and that you will accept her paying you back over a couple of months.

I'd do that before messaging friends etc because you have the "outing" in your back pocket as a further threat if she doesn't pay you back.

I have no idea. If she ever sees this thread I hope she can see what an absolute scum bag everyone thinks she is.

I'm honestly gobsmacked. Particularly how she's now trying to turn this around on me.

OP her response to you is gaslighting!

You've over complicated things and stressing her out? JFC she has a nerve.

I would not stand for that at all.

Keep all your messages from her as you may need them as proof in future. What a conniving person she is!

Surely the pawn shop cannot sell stolen goods, which these are.

She at least needs a heavy duty crack addiction to explain (not excuse) something like this.

I think the reality of the end of all her freeloading from all her friends and the ops family might be coming into sharp focus...

No doubt she realises she won't be able to spin this when it comes out. So attempting a spot of gaslighting to present the op from telling anyone.

Tell everyone.

Send screenshots.

And definitely report to the police.

My jaw dropped when I read your friend sold your shoes.
You are defo NOT the CF here!
Get her to buy your shoes back asap and then keep a healthy distance.
She has no right to make you feel guilty about her finances. It's not as if she has Christian Laboutins to sell every month so she would have had to cope with her usual income anyway!
Can't believe such cheeky buggers exist. No shame

I wouldn't rush to respond to her. Let her stew a little, get angrier, say silly things, work herself up. People always end up making it worse for themselves and you might just get what you need without having to intervene. Just hold fire, ignore, reply in a few days.

Maybe she’s looked and seen that the shoes have now sold and is panicking. You are far better off without this friend OP

How can she ask you to "be patient"? The shoes were for sale and someone else could have bought them while you waited patiently. Presumably then she could have said "oh dear, I was going to buy them back for you, never mind"
As others have said, a letter requesting payment with a deadline on it, and then the police and small claims court.

All I can think of as a reason is could she be on drugs?

Not necessarily. I had a friend who was a lovely woman but with quirks, one of which was that anything that went into her house was hers. So if someone left something there for any reason, it belonged to her. She had an odd idea of boundaries. NB This doesn't make it right & I applaud the OP for getting the shoes back. The rest can come later, & it will take time to go through that & to reassess this friend/the past & get over the betrayal.

Her low self-esteem is richly deserved.
Her eating toast and soup for a month is not your problem.