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Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 29/09/2023 14:57

MariePaperRoses · 29/09/2023 11:27

Whilst you and your friends are constantly bailing her out she is never going to be driven to bettering her situation.

She's always going to be riding on your coattails.

She has no shame.

This.

Doteycat · 29/09/2023 15:00

SeulementUneFois · 29/09/2023 14:57

This.

Show quote history

This.. is AWFUL.
God id hate to be that bitter.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 15:01

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 14:51

Why doesnt he like her?

Sometimes speaks in a childish voice when she and are are having a laugh. He abslutely hates that.

After she's had a few drinks her language can be as coarse as a sailors.

Other than that, I don't know,

My kind of woman 😆🤣

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:01

I think the point the husband is making is that this woman is giving the impression on social media that she’s living the life but failing to acknowledge it’s all on someone else’s money. She’s a ponce and people are letting her get away with it for some reason. She’s promoting and boasting about a lifestyle she can’t afford. I’d be fuming too

SoundTheSirens · 29/09/2023 15:06

I'm with you OP. It sounds like you and various friends want to do fun things, gigs/meals/visits/whatever, and want to include your friend who you obviously enjoy spending time with, but who has much less disposable income than the others so you choose to pay for her to join you. She thanks you privately and that's all there needs to be to it.

It doesn't sound as though she's flaunting a lifestyle she can't afford or 'freeloading' to me, it sounds like SM posts about friends getting together, and it's irrelevant IMO that the background to it is those organising the various events are making sure one person doesn't miss out because they want her there. Maybe it's because I've been both the helped friend and the paying-extra friend that I just see this as how friendship can work. If you, and any other friends in your position, are happy chipping in for her too and it's not affecting your finances adversely, then no-one else is in a position to complain.

Your DH is being a dick expecting her to prostrate herself on SM after she's thanked you in private.

Handsnotwands · 29/09/2023 15:07

could you get her some kind of hair shirt OP? or a poors version of the Welsh not? just so everyone can tell at a glance and there is no confusion about her worthiness?

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 15:08

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:01

I think the point the husband is making is that this woman is giving the impression on social media that she’s living the life but failing to acknowledge it’s all on someone else’s money. She’s a ponce and people are letting her get away with it for some reason. She’s promoting and boasting about a lifestyle she can’t afford. I’d be fuming too

That's just utter nonsense.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 15:12

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:01

I think the point the husband is making is that this woman is giving the impression on social media that she’s living the life but failing to acknowledge it’s all on someone else’s money. She’s a ponce and people are letting her get away with it for some reason. She’s promoting and boasting about a lifestyle she can’t afford. I’d be fuming too

I didn't get that impression at all, sounds like she just posts pictures of nights out that she rarely goes on because she can't afford them, any she outing where she is financially supported she gives thanks for, hardly black tie, champagne and lobster events are they . She then reciprocates with cooking and looking after her friend when she visits. . They are just some happy memories. I have very little disposable income, but have helped friends out before because I wanted them to join me on a night out. It never crossed my mind for a single second that she publicly announced or thanked me for paying and if they did post pictures one of the last words that would spring to mind would be ponce......yuck.

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 15:13

Idontgiveashitanymore · 29/09/2023 13:57

Team husband.
she is a freeloader and needs to stand on her own two feet.
you must stop paying, she will never get her life in order if people keep giving her freebies.
Yes life is hard !
Welcome to the real world!

How mean-spirited.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 15:14

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:44

Her rent is £1300 a month and he after tax income is £1741......She lives in the southeast

She should be able to get some benefits support surely?

I have a lot of rich friends that invite me to things and I never put disclaimers saying I didn't pay for these tickets etc on my social media posts. Nor would I expect a friend I treated to go somewhere to thank me publicly - it's embarrassing all round. I would expect a thank you and also a treat of some sort in return (on the poorer friends budget even if it's just 'I'll grab these coffees as a thank you for that lovely dinner out last night!)

Gifgirl · 29/09/2023 15:15

Sprinkles211 · 29/09/2023 10:49

She cannot afford the lifestyle she wants, she's a grown up she needs to change her living circumstances instead of letting everyone else foot the bill, to be consistently borrowing money from parents at that age and not doing anything about her circumstances is embarrassing

Clearly you are way out of touch with how things are for people at the moment.

You are the one who should be embarrassed.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 15:16

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:50

That wouldnt work.... he hardly spends anything. Which is fine because I'm the main earner (double his take home).

After all out bills (we are mortage free) we ahve £5K per month to spend on food, fuel, holidays and shite and giggles. No kids.

Oh so THIS update is interesting?
Does he say 'welcome to our new home that my wife is paying 2/3 towards?' When you give Xmas presents from the two of you does he want you to write its mostly from you and a smaller contribution from him? Etc.

Chelsealocke · 29/09/2023 15:17

Your DH is bu BUT please be careful OP. I had a friend who used to say she was poor because of her family and after years of paying for things so we could do things together I found out she actually had savings. I was the same as you thinking she’d repay it if she could but she slipped up one day and bragged about saving by getting another friend to pay. I know through mutual friends that she’s still out there pretending to be poor. Her reasoning was that I offered to pay, I suppose I did but I wasn’t expecting a friend to exploit someone the way she did.

ThereIbledit · 29/09/2023 15:17

Good lord some of you on this thread are awful.

I think it matters if she is asking for/expecting these things or not. It sounds like they are being offered.

I mean, I think friends with different incomes should cut their cloth according to the person with the lowest income, but I sure as hell don't think grovelling on Facebook should be a condition of the higher earners helping her out so that she can visit them or do the activity the higher earner wants to do, if the higher earner is happy to spend the money. I imagine one of the reasons you pay her train fayre is so that you don't have the hassle of travelling to her, right?

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:18

She’s a ponce. End of

Gifgirl · 29/09/2023 15:20

rookiemere · 29/09/2023 11:06

I do think it's a bit off to be talking about the gigs etc you have been to without saying thank you to the person who made it possible. But then I'm not sure why she needs to post about them at all.

She does say thank you. In person and by sending a "thank you' card.

Why on earth would she need to do that on social media?

Gifgirl · 29/09/2023 15:24

BridgetJonesAsFuck · 29/09/2023 11:25

This. Get some self respect.

Show quote history

Tell us you're a Tory without telling us you're a Tory.

MOTU · 29/09/2023 15:25

It could be a little bit of projection, if you're the main breadwinner maybe he feels a little self conscious about that and therefore sees "feeloading" in others more....

felisha54 · 29/09/2023 15:26

I don't see the issue. I'd say I'm pretty generous to my friends and siblings (who earn less) and will often pay for them to come to gigs, shows, meals and holidays. I would never want or expect Facebook recognition. A simple face to face thanks is enough.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/09/2023 15:28

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:01

I think the point the husband is making is that this woman is giving the impression on social media that she’s living the life but failing to acknowledge it’s all on someone else’s money. She’s a ponce and people are letting her get away with it for some reason. She’s promoting and boasting about a lifestyle she can’t afford. I’d be fuming too

She thanks the people who treat her. Who else does she need to acknowledge it with? And why?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 29/09/2023 15:31

How often are we talking about OP? Are people treating her weekly? Monthly?

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:36

She’s a freeloader. She might well thank people but she’s giving a false impression on FB and still mugs queue up to give her their money

margotrose · 29/09/2023 15:37

I don't think she needs to thank people on Facebook but it does sound like she's taking the piss.

Gifgirl · 29/09/2023 15:38

You and your friends sound absolutely lovely.

I'm someone who is helped a fair bit by my friends, petrol money for some visits, football tickets, meals out etc and I want to say thank that I am so grateful that there are people like you out there.

The fact that my friends want to spend time with me and treat me to nice things/visits doesn't mean that I'm a fucking scrounger. I've been in the position to help others financially in the past.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/09/2023 15:40

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 15:36

She’s a freeloader. She might well thank people but she’s giving a false impression on FB and still mugs queue up to give her their money

It's their money and they've decided she's worth it. What's it to you?

What false impression? She posts that she's been to events and she has. Do you pore over every Facebook post you see trying to work out who paid?

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