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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 29/09/2023 14:19

God people are so mean. Not everyone has the ability to earn more. I am v well off and I absolutely love treating people. When i go out with certain people I insist on paying for everything. It means nothing to me but they simply couldn't afford it otherwise. It doesn't mean i'm funding their lifestyle paying for the odd treat.

LlynTegid · 29/09/2023 14:21

Short term help OK and reasonable to help someone get back on their feet, and I can see why getting a well paid job in your 50s might be hard given the ageism there is.

However, from what you describe there is no intention of working things out to make ends meet. Such as moving to a lower cost area, or even if their relationship is tolerable, for a period of time with her mum.

cuddlebear · 29/09/2023 14:22

I don’t like the sound of your DH…

Loopylooni · 29/09/2023 14:25

I guess it depends if she really is taking advantage here. Your DH might be seeing it from an outsider's point of view here and thinking your friend is taking the piss here. He just wants you to have some recognition be it a thank you in person or even Facebook if that's your thing. It sounds like this person gets handouts on a regular basis. I probably earn a decent wage but tbh my friendships wouldnt work out if i was constantly doing the giving, plus i dont think my friends would feel comfortable getting handouts all the time.

Pipsquiggle · 29/09/2023 14:25

So your DH wants a public display of gratitude every time you do something for your BF - even though she sends you a nice thank you note?

Sorry but I think he is being an arse. He needs to show more empathy - particularly with the chasm of a difference between your disposable income and hers.

I am guessing if you wanted to stop subsidizing her, you could just stop inviting her but you obviously value her friendship.

I do hope your BF sorts out her finances - it doesn't sound like it's sustainable

LadyLapsang · 29/09/2023 14:28

Your DH sounds like he wants to humiliate her and damage your friendship. Perhaps try his approach on him, ‘Just treated Dave to a holiday now he is semi retired on a lower income’, ‘All the Christmas pressies are from me this year given Dave has stopped work’ - I don’t think he would like that much.

EyesOnThePies · 29/09/2023 14:28

It is up to you if you choose to want to spend time with your friend and can only do that if you pay her fare etc.

It's not his business how she posts. She does say thank you via notes etc, so shows her gratitude to those who are generous to her. Did your DH prefer it when Free School Meals people had to go into a different lunch queue, just so everyone knew?

C8H10N4O2 · 29/09/2023 14:28

JemimaTiggywinkles · 29/09/2023 13:40

What he wants is to humiliate her. That makes him a knob. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who think those in poverty should be shamed. I wouldn't want to be married to a person like that though.

Yes but its worse that that - as well as wanting some kind of thanks for doing nothing at all the DH apparently sees relationships as purely financial transactions.

I have a friend in this woman's situation - has had to take lower paid work due to external circumstances. I don't cover more of the costs (which I can well afford) out of pity or to virtual signal - its far less altruistic than that. I love spending time with her and enjoy our times together which would be fewer if I wasn't covering those costs. That is what I'm getting out of it and its worth a lot more to me than the trainfare or similar.

Perhaps if the recipient of funding has to post on FB to publicly thank people like a Victorian charity case, all the friends should publicly thank her for making their time much happier than it would have been otherwise.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2023 14:30

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

I'm really not liking your husband's attitude on this. It's rather - Victorian. A bit 'get thee to the workhouse, pauper'.

He expects Jane to tug her forelock online and broadcast to the world that she's in dire straits financially. He basically wants her to feel humiliation at her current poverty. That's just nasty.

What is his wider attitude towards, for example, people on benefits? People who are unemployed? People who are homeless? I'm imagining him looking down his nose at them too.

mangochops · 29/09/2023 14:30

LadyLapsang · 29/09/2023 14:28

Your DH sounds like he wants to humiliate her and damage your friendship. Perhaps try his approach on him, ‘Just treated Dave to a holiday now he is semi retired on a lower income’, ‘All the Christmas pressies are from me this year given Dave has stopped work’ - I don’t think he would like that much.

Exactly- something tells me he'd have a toddler tantrum if he got a taste of his own medicine 😂

Verv · 29/09/2023 14:30

Does DH post you a public thank you on social media every time you do something for him?

He should start.

OR

He can shut the fuck up and learn that not everything that you do for a mate is done for public validation.

NDfamily · 29/09/2023 14:30

Got to make sure the serfs are publicly grateful to their bountiful overlords!

LadyLapsang · 29/09/2023 14:32

I think this could be more about isolating you from your best friend now he has cut back on work.

VaguelySpecific · 29/09/2023 14:33

Your DH's attitude is putting me in mind of the historical deserving poor vs undeserving poor train of thought. His issue isn't that you and your friends spend this money on her as long as she displays good enough "morality" by declaring on social media that she can't afford these things alone. That's not a very attractive way of thinking.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 29/09/2023 14:37

Short term help OK and reasonable to help someone get back on their feet, and I can see why getting a well paid job in your 50s might be hard given the ageism there is.

However, from what you describe there is no intention of working things out to make ends meet. Such as moving to a lower cost area, or even if their relationship is tolerable, for a period of time with her mum.

Yes I agree. I have a group of friends and we all have various household incomes but those on lower incomes wouldn't dream of allowing those with a higher income to subsidise them. We just make sure that we get together and do things that we can all afford easily. I'd be embarrassed to put stuff on FB that had been completely paid for by a friend without at least acknowledging that the lovely occasion was because of someone else's generosity (maybe by just putting 'Thanks notanotherhousepost!' but then as I said previously I think it's naff putting this stuff on FB anyway.

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 14:37

Hi All, apologies, had to do some work .....

So, she never suggests doing anything, I invite her. She would never dream of inviting herself. several time a year I stay at hers for the wekend and she cooks etc and makes me more than welcome.

I think the real issue is he just doesnt like her and uses this as a stick to have a go. I did tell him I've been friends with her longer than I've known him so he's on a sticky wicket if he pushes too far.

She does have a head in sand mentality but she's had a bit of a narly sickness record (depression, bereavement) so not sure how good a chance she'd even have of getting something else.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 29/09/2023 14:39

Sounds like your husband wants her to humiliate herself by admitting she is relying on others for her social life. Not very kind.

If you love this friend and want to help her out from time to time and you can afford it then I think you are just being a good friend. Sounds like she appreciates the help so I would continue to do it.

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 14:40

You are a lovely, caring friend. Your husband is being a dick.

Why should she humiliate herself by acknowledging publicly that she hasn't been able to pay for whatever?

Her financial situation must be very depressing for her though. Is there anything she could do to improve it? Her rent is astronomical in comparison to her income.

Would your husband like to live on that paltry amount?

ohsuzannah · 29/09/2023 14:45

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:02

Sounds like DH sees your money as his.

Yes the money that she earns which is twice as much as he earns?
I'm with you, OP. I think you are doing a lovely thing for your friend!
If he carries on like that id be putting my disposable income in a separate account. None of his business how you spend it 🙄

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 14:46

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 14:37

Hi All, apologies, had to do some work .....

So, she never suggests doing anything, I invite her. She would never dream of inviting herself. several time a year I stay at hers for the wekend and she cooks etc and makes me more than welcome.

I think the real issue is he just doesnt like her and uses this as a stick to have a go. I did tell him I've been friends with her longer than I've known him so he's on a sticky wicket if he pushes too far.

She does have a head in sand mentality but she's had a bit of a narly sickness record (depression, bereavement) so not sure how good a chance she'd even have of getting something else.

I'd question why he doesn't like her. He is not coming across as the most reasonable of men. Wanting someone to publicly shame themselves is pretty spiteful.

ittakes2 · 29/09/2023 14:46

I would be mortified if I helped a friend and it was posted publicly. I don’t help people for public recognition. It does says something about your husband’s value system that he thinks in this way.

Ohyoudodoyou · 29/09/2023 14:49

I think you're a good friend. I've helped my friends in times of hardship, and they've helped me. We care about each other. She has one income and had difficulties in her life from your post, it's good that you support her as a friend.

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 14:51

Why doesnt he like her?

Sometimes speaks in a childish voice when she and are are having a laugh. He abslutely hates that.

After she's had a few drinks her language can be as coarse as a sailors.

Other than that, I don't know,

OP posts:
DryIce · 29/09/2023 14:52

Team OP! Some people are such dicks about this, I always wonder if they change friendship circles as their income changes??!

I work in a very well paid industry, I have friends who work in more poorly remunerated fields. They do not work less hard, they just have less cash (not that it really matters but the "poor people should never enjoy anything" brigade seem to have a real thing about "working hard", I.e. earning a lot which IMHO is not necessarily a correlation).

I like to see these friends and so things with them, if that means I have to pay I am much happier to do so than miss out

purplehair1 · 29/09/2023 14:57

That poor woman! She's struggling but still working for the NHS. Which can't do without people like her and is having difficulty recruiting. Why shouldn't she go out and have a good time without having to do some sort of 'penance' for it? It's lovely that you and her other friends treat her. We all need a bit of help from time to time. It's society that is at fault, if someone is working in a key role but can barely afford to put a roof over their head and can't feed themselves. That's what is wrong, not her supposed lack of gratitude.

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