DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

No because I don’t have Facebook but I do know a person who has had holidays paid for (whilst working full time I might add and with a husband), borrowed thousands from relatives with no intention of repaying and still people pay for her to do stuff so maybe my opinion is clouded by this. This freeloader then looks down her nose at other people all the while she’s poncing from others

Ok, so you don't even have Facebook and you're actually pissed off with a completely different person who's doing a completely different thing to completely different people.

Can I point out that if you don't work for the NHS you have no idea how much a 'band' pays. I'm assuming they are pay scales.

Your husband doesn't like her. So what? She's your friend not his. If you want to pay for her that's up to you if you're paying for her from your own money. But, if I was her I wouldn't be accepting so many freebies from people. My pride wouldn't let me.

But it is her lifestyle.

All the celebs you see at events are the beneficiaries of somebody else’s wealth. They don’t pay to attend these functions and often the glam clothes, shoes and jewellery they wear to attend them have been loaned by various companies. Yet they all post about where they went and what they wore.

It’s not “a completely different thing”. It’s a very similar thing and I don’t know why you think it’s ok

It’s a disingenuous “lifestyle” funded by others

This is exactly how people in relationships should handle their money. I can’t fathom adults who earn their own money having to defend their spending once the bills have been paid. Joint account for bills (and holidays etc) then separate accounts each.

How on earth do you not see the difference? Is your projection that blinding?

OP's friend isn't borrowing anything. Her friends are giving her gifts and don't expect or want repayment. She also isn't looking down her nose at anyone. Where are you getting that from?

Jane doesn't need to take a hard look at her lifestyle and income v outgoings, we all need to be paid enough to actually live a life

Nursing/NHS stuff is far, far from the worst paid of jobs and people on far lower incomes manage to live within their means and not be a charity case.

Why do they keep giving her money and treating her tho? Where does she keep finding these people who can’t wait to hand over their cash? I didn’t say this woman was looking down her nose did I. I said the person I know does.

Precisely

Does she still have kids at home? If not is downsizing or moving to a different area a possibility? I don't agree that your friend should have to publicly state that other people are buying her things but she does need to sort out her finances. Living off parents at her age is not sustainable.

She gives thankyou notes to the person who is important ie the one who gives.

OPs husband has a nasty mean mind set if he does something only to be publicly thanked so everyone can see just how generous he is.

Jane is exceptionally lucky to have such generous friends and it could be that she's such a nice person that friends are happy and well off enough to do that. People like that do exist surprisingly.

There are some really judgemental people here,I'd love to know if they've been in the same situation and how they've managed it.

Sorry, not read other comments but maybe she feels embarrassed by having to rely on friends for a social life?
I wouldn't expect thanks on a public forum.

As all her friends knows it who cares what the greater world does? Sure it would be nice but not something I would think about.

Why do they keep giving her money and treating her tho?

Because they like to and they want to and they don't need your permission. Why on earth do you care? Nobody's asking you to buy her anything.

I didn’t say this woman was looking down her nose did I.

You used your relative who apparently does look down her nose as a reason to dislike this completely different person who doesn't do that!

Are you feeling OK?

not doing anything about her circumstances is embarrassing
What exactly do you suggest she does?
And living beyond her means
her friends offer to include her, has she to refuse and always be miserable, she's lucky to have decent kind friends.

I too find it difficult to accept the generosity of others but I am working on it because it takes as much generosity to accept as it does to give, perhaps more. I am very sorry that someone else’s good fortune (op’s and her friend’s) upsets you so much.

I give a lot to my friends (I have paid for holidays etc) and it gives me so much pleasure to see them and their kids enjoying them. More pleasure than if I’d just spent the money on myself - what would I buy? I am not into designer this or that or handbags or whatever.

A couple of years ago we stood on our doorsteps banging pots to honour people who worked for the NHS and bemoaned the fact they were paid nowhere near enough for what they do. Now we come on MN and begrudge them the kindness of their friends.

My uncle had to give up his job in care work for health reasons in his early 60s last year. I was sorting out his finances and discovered he'd lived on 12 grand a year or less for all his working life. Lives on a boat- wasn't claiming anything but could always have claimed a little bit towards his housing costs as his income was so low.

He would've claimed housing benefit when he lived in a flat, but that's as far as it went.

He had an ok life too, enjoys a bargain, several nights out a week where he has a couple of pints etc, holiday and spain most years.

@Notanotherhousepost If she isn't claiming it already, Jane should be eligible to some help with housing costs.

*in Spain

This was working for the council, not NHS.

Get a grip mate. I’m giving my opinion based on things I’ve witnessed. She’s a freeloader and I don’t know why you’re defending it. As someone said upthread; who’d want to be seen as a charity case. You’re as invested in this thread as I am

Can I point out that if you don't work for the NHS you have no idea how much a 'band' pays

@usernother Google exists nowadays so yes we can extremely easily. Jane will be getting about £26,282. https://www.nhsemployers.org/articles/pay-scales-202223

So, maybe she's even trying to lie to friends about what she gets, to get more freebies.

You're contradicting yourself at every point, making up rubbish about person A based on person B, and you think other people are the ones who need to get a grip?