DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

I can see this from both perspectives.

I'd be annoyed if my DH (we also have joint money) was continually paying for days out etc for his friend. Helping a friend out of a dire situation is of course fine, but it is completely different to continually buying them tickets for gigs, buying them dinner etc. As a treat once or twice, yes, but when this becomes a habit, it's more than just being generous and kind. It's allowing your friend to live a lifestyle she cannot afford, at yours (and DHs) expense. Regardless of if you have enough money to do so, I'd be seriously questioning why this friend was happy to accept all these things. I know when I've been in tough times financially, I would have died at embarrassment to even consider excepting free tickets, free travel or free meals etc from a friend. It's a little odd that she seems so comfortable doing so to be honest. She seems like a bit of a freeloader who is taking advantage of yours and your other friends kind nature.

That being said, your DHs comments about FB are very strange and uncalled for - I don't think anyone should have to publicly declare if someone has bought something for them. So long as they are thanking you in private, that's the main thing.

I'd be interested to know how long this has been going on and if your friend is showing any signs of helping herself get out of the situation? I.e getting a second job, moving to a cheaper location etc. It's a shit situation for anyone to be in (I've been there), but often people who are being subsidised by others, won't even consider finding a solution, because, well, why would they? If her mum is helping her out with bills and her friends are treating her to lovely days out, she's never going to help herself.

Your husband sounds immature and downright weird to be honest. If people are paying for her to do stuff it must be because they want to and enjoy her company. What the hell has it got to do with him? And thinking she should publicly thank people is deeply strange. He needs to get himself a hobby or something.

Guess he must be jealous of her for some reason.

TBH I think your husband is a miserly arse, it seems he wouldn't be happy for your friend to survive unless your friend posts
" Thanks to my mum, I can eat this basic cheese and tomato sandwich"
"Thanks to Linda for taking me out for coffee today, I wouldn't have been able to have coffee today otherwise as I don't have milk in"

Its funny he hold that view when you are the higher earner in your household, so you are propping him up financially in some ways unless he carefully portions out his % of things in relation to his contribution to the household.

I cab appreciate if he doesn't want the household money to help her, but it is horrible for him to seemingly resent her having any help.

Fwiw- I'd also tell her to check whether she's entitled to Uc top up, even if it's just toward her rent. If not, she may be able to get a discretionary housing allowance from the local council.

Have you room for another friend in your life?

Just kidding. It is so lovely that you help her like that. And I also love the fact that she shows off a bit on Facebook. I bet in real life she is always telling others about being treated by her lovely friend. I know I would.

DH is horrible especially given you're not short of cash and you're earning double him anyway.

Your friend can't afford her rent, though, it's not a stable place for her to be.

What he wants is to humiliate her. That makes him a knob. Unfortunately there are plenty of people who think those in poverty should be shamed. I wouldn't want to be married to a person like that though.

Your husband is horrible. She says thank you to the people who sub her when they go out. Presumably these people do this as they like her and her company and want her to accompany them. They do not want her to disappear from their lives as she can't afford to socialise with them. She only needs to thank them.

She does not need to abase herself publicly to everyone else.

I completely agree.

I think it’s fine to accept things as one offs but her mum gives her money every month and then her friends pay for everything for her when they meet.

Sometimes you have to live within your means and that means not always going to the gigs and events with friends if it means them having to pay.

If her mum dies then she is going to seriously struggle and she needs to sort out her finances asap.

As the PP said could she look into moving to a cheaper area or join the council list and get affordable rent?

I can see why he thinks she’s a bit of a freeloader TBF. But I don’t get why he expects her to publicly announce who pays for what on Facebook. That really isn’t anyone else’s business.

I treated a friend to a trip away and a couple of meals out recently because she’s been struggling (she was caring full time for her mother, who has recently died - meaning she had no carer’s allowance anymore either). I know how much she appreciated it, but I didn’t need anyone else to know. Why would I, unless I’d done it to play Lady Bountiful?

The bloody social
Media situation is so fake and bloody annoying

I'm kind of with dh on this and not in the way I think Jane should publicly thank all of her friends for the charity but it can be quite annoying and grating.

Similar situation but me not dh that has been financially helping someone close a fair bit since the beginning of the year as they plead poverty and to then see the friggin social media posts of the other non essential things they've managed to finance while everyone comments on how much they deserve said treats because they should etc grates me abit especially when there's no acknowledgment other than a thanks text which to me is rude in itself.

The problem youl find is Jane is living a great lifestyle off of the back of everyone else and not trying to live within her means.

I'd want to know why Jane pays £1300 a month rent for a start. Does Jane have children?

It depends on what Jane classes as priorities in life.

To me it doesn't add up because if Jane has less than £400 a month after rent and before bills and food surely she should be seeking help with the basics not going on jollys

To me, it sounds like the OP's NVDH wants the woman to humiliate herself on FB, so he can have the satisfaction of feeling "better than her".

Not a very attractive trait in a man.

I assume you and your DH have worked out from your finances that you both have an equal amount of personal spending money each to spend as you want. If not I suggest you do this, then if you want to spend your personal money on treating your friend you can, and if he wants to spend his on buying star war figures ( other options exist) then that would be his choice.

Reading between the lines, I think dh thinks friend is sponging of people.

Out of curiosity, does she suggest going to see Take That ( 9ir whoever) and then automatically expects her friends to pay for the ticket, meals out etc, or is it a case that you (and other friends) invite her.

If she demands/asks/suggests etc tickets, etc because ‘she can’t afford it’, then she is a cf and I see where your dh is coming from.

If it’s a case of you inviting friend up for the weekend, and the invite is at your instigation, then that’s different.

The fact that your husband implies she freeloads frequently suggests she’s in cf territory also.

I agree she doesn’t need to publically thank her friends on Facebook, but I kinda get what what your husband means.

I think you realise how fortunate you are (albeit you work hard for it) you are a lovely friend to Jane and I'm sure she knows it. I really don't think she should be humiliated by having to thank everybody that helps on Facebook. Hopefully her fortunes will change one day. Good on you and her other friends for being there for her.

YANBU. Although, does Jane ever refuse this help? Or does nice things for you to show appreciation that might not involve money? She should step back a little I think, it's embarrassing for a grown adult to be dependent on others for these things.

However your H is being an utter dick. He wants her to humiliate herself for his gratification. It's not even HIS money she's accepting fgs

Team husband.
she is a freeloader and needs to stand on her own two feet.
you must stop paying, she will never get her life in order if people keep giving her freebies.
Yes life is hard !
Welcome to the real world!

Sorry I think it's your DH who is out of order. It's up to you if you decide to treat your friend so you can see her. I assume she doesn't beg you to each time, and this is probably not her ideal. The fact your DH needs a grovelling thank you on FB each time makes me uncomfortable. She sends a nice thank you note and seems like you've had a good time. That should be enough, if it's not then there is always the word 'no'.

Does he thank you on Facebook?

‘ Great meal out with Allthatwegot. Thank you for paying as you out earn me’.

‘Turned on the heating for the first time today - winter is coming. Cheers Allthatwegot for covering the vast majority of the bills!’

‘Allthatwegot had to spend £100 on shopping basics at the supermarket this week for just the two of us. Thank you darling for having my financial back in this crazy cost of living crisis’.

I think your husband is being unreasonable. It appears she is grateful for your kindnesses and makes that clear to you by writing the notes. Not everyone on FB needs to know everyones business. You are a lovely friend.

Clearly you haven't understood it correctly because nowhere in my post did I say her mother is vulnerable.

I made an assumption that she's elderly because the OP said her friend is late 50s which would put her mother in her late 70s (at least) or 80s.
But you crack on being offended if it makes you feel better.

I regularly treat certain people - and others who know me eg paid someone's solicitor bill and they (and everyone else) haven't a clue who the fairy godmother is but are delighted as they had no idea how to afford it (has a nasty ex keeps dragging historic things to court for no reason other than he can). In all instances I would NOT treat them if they were going to publicly thank me, frankly it's embarrassing and would perhaps make others I would NOT treat expect me to treat because I'm better off (because I disapprove of their lifestyle choices eg always borrowing money with no intention of paying back/smokes like a chimney no wonder short of money/spends money on takeaways when they say they have no money)

So I'm with you: your husband is being ridiculous.

Jane is living on the charity of others without acknowledging it

But she is acknowledging it - she sends her friends thank you notes. What business is it of anyone else's where her tickets came from for a concert?

OP, this really isn't your husband's business. As you say, your take-home pay is twice what your husband earns so by his argument he ought to say 'Thanks to OP who paid for 2/3 of this holiday' every time he goes anywhere. He needs to keep his beak out.

So i hope DH posts when you pay for things..we can do this because OP bring in double what i do....yeah, i reckon we'll be waiting for that one...

Your DH is wrong however if this has been going on years and she is doing this with various friends, well I couldn’t keep doing that and wouldn’t want to if I was the friend. Are you all really lifelong friends plus how do you know her exact incoming money and outgoings, did she tell you or did you ask?

I suppose the train journey etc is understandable as she just wouldn’t come but the gigs, I can happily sit with a cup of tea in my kitchen and have a great laugh with a couple of my friends.

SIL is very woe is me about money, she recently tapped MIL and got 10k out of her, I am wary of those that go on about their financial issues especially if they know you have money. It’s why no one has a clue how well off DH and I are. I have been very hard up in the past and I just went without.

Yes, yes! Less avocado toast for her snd she will soon have saved enough to cash buy a mansion. Surely the odd evening out with friends is the thing preventing her from knowing how miserably precarious her life is!

Are the four Yorkshiremen posting here, unironically? Is that even possible that people can be so vicious and so dim?

Precarity: look it up. This is the new normal for a lot of people.