DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

Every time she meets these people? Of course that's humiliating. Would probably embarrass the friends who are paying as well.

And you're still missing the point that it isn't about thanking anyone, since that's been done. It's literally just to make sure she's announced to the world that someone else paid for her to do something. That's extremely debasing. There's no need for it. Nobody expects me to do that when we do something made possible by my husband's salary.

Unless she has kids

She needs to downsize

That sounds like a 3 bed house

It's as if your DH wants her to publicly humiliate herself
She might be posting because she wants to " keep up appearances" so to speak
As long as she thanks you personally and you're happy to help, I think it's nice to help a friend
If the situations were reversed, would she do the same for you and DH?
DH might feel she is dependent on you both, so I think you need to talk about it

Maybe if your H posts- he might like to say'great holiday, thanks to wife who earns twice as much as me' - it's none of his business

@Lollypop701 I find it strange how you and a load of other posters are bleating about OP subsidising her DH - given how MN is always on about 'all money is FAAAAMILY money'. Even without kids involved. I guess this doesn't apply because it's a man?
Also did you miss how they were equal earners before he retired? It's not like he's sat on his arse all these years.

I'll be honest OP. While it's your business as to what you choose to pay for if you can afford it. I wouldn't like your friend either. She's taking money from her elderly mother, renting an expensive place (1.3K sounds like a solo flat), AND, you've clearly stated you'd choose her over your husband. 'On a sticky wicket'? What does that mean? You would divorce your husband over his disapproval of this woman?

The FB posting rubs me the wrong way too but not because of the 'thanking' - it looks like she's trying to project a rosier picture of her life, than what it actually is. It's extremely strange to be going out here, there and everywhere while taking money from an elderly parent. Unless her mother is loaded.

By the way... if a man started swearing after a few drinks a man would start screaming abuse. but because it's a woman it's OK! There have been threads here where an OP's DH has a friend similar to yours and the advice it that they're right, but as your H is a man, and because the OP is about him making a fuss over something silly people are jumping on him instead of looking at the bigger picture.

Btw before people jump in with the sackcloth comments I, too pay for things - not £600 of course I can't afford that but a meal out, etc. Don't expect them to thank me or anything. I wouldn't be doing it for an extended period of time like though. What happens if you stopped paying? That's the true telltale sign.

I have a friend who I love dearly but she is a single mum on a low income. If I want to go to the theatre with her I’ll often buy her her train ticket or or cover her part of a hotel stay. She never expects it but I just pay and discreetly tell her not to worry. She often cuts the dc hair so it balances out to some degree. I don’t keep tabs. It’s not amounts I’ll miss so I’d rather enjoy her company than her not come because she can’t afford it.

YANBU - So long as she says thank you to you that’s all that matters.
I have a friend that I pay for a lot to do things I like with me, because she can’t afford to but I like her company and I can afford to. That’s friendship, she certainly does not need to announce it to the world and I would be surprised and embarrassed if she did!

Nope. Sounds like anything from a studio flat to a 2 bed flat/house in the south east.

Perhaps she could consider renting a smaller property or get a lodger to help with expenses. It’s ridiculous to spend so much on rent that she cannot afford other living expenses.

Why on earth do people make assumptions by what’s put on FB? Never been on it so not entirely sure of its merit but really? Is not real conversation the best answer here?

I’m on the fence. I get where hubby is coming from, you work hard to get a decent job with a good salary and then someone who supposedly isn’t doing anything to improve their situation gets handouts and managed to live this lifestyle he has earned. BUT if people are willing to pay for her then what a lucky lady she is. I’d be so embarrassed personally but she seems happy enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband sounds like he has an ego problem…why should he dictate what she’s allowed to post on social media, pouring out thanks to the friends that bought such and such. That sounds cringe! You’ve recognised she lost a higher paying job, isn’t as well off now and for reasons only she knows, is living in somewhere with high rent in contrast to her salary. She sends a thank you note, but the poor friend probably feels a bit embarrassed and shouldn’t feel the need to constantly thank you or make it ‘public’. If he’s that controlling about you spending money so your friend can come and see you and do things that you presumably want to do (whilst probably worrying she can afford to pay) then you need separate spend accounts for fun spends.

and then someone who supposedly isn’t doing anything to improve their situation gets handouts and managed to live this lifestyle he has earned.

He hasn't earned it. OP has.

I always treat my friend to meals out and things. She is totally strapped and I want to spoil her because I can

Your husband sounds like a real delight 🙄. Can’t believe some of the people on here harping on that she’s an adult and shouldn’t get “charity” from friends. DH & I are both extremely lucky to have large disposable income, if we want to do extravagant things with friends we will always pay as know our friends aren’t in the same financial position as us. Our options are to either do things alone or pay for our friends. Personally I’d much rather spend my money having a great time with friends than sit at home miserably counting the couple of hundred quid I’ve saved in concert tickets or flights for another person who simply couldn’t afford to come if I didn’t offer to pay. No one has ever asked me to pay for anything or even suggested things and then waited for me to offer. Which is exactly what is sounds like with your friend OP, you are offering and she will always thank you. What an awful thing to expect this poor woman to publicly shame herself on social media so that your husband feels better about her posts. Bizarre. Surely he can just click to not see her posts if it bothers him that much?

You pay for her travel to go across the UK to see you over bridging the long distance best friend gap and enjoy going places? Easier than having to travel maybe to her place and mostly staying in over it? You are best friends and want to see one another. And this works over simply being together, whatever you do over it. I don't really "get" your partner's point of view over it. I'm sure she's happy just spending time together and it would be FAR more awkward to run a public display of thank you over what you both do when she is visiting. Or would he rather she just not post? What exactly does he even want over it? And is he tagging you every time over it too when you pay for him? Good friends are rare and special. And not everyone can obtain higher paid jobs over life for all sorts of reasons. Someone has to do the less paid jobs like myself and your bestie, otherwise life would fall apart and society gets to dictate value of jobs over pay that is unfair. Also, rental costs keep going up over landlord greed!

There's something deeply unpleasant about him wanting someone to confess publicly that they can't afford to live their life. However, if I was the recipient of these gifts of money, tickets, gigs etc I'm afraid I have too much pride to accept them and would certainly make some effort to increase my income or find cheaper housing, move etc. It's not really helping her going forward and she's a bit old to be on this level of help sadly.

At least she didn't pawn your shoes!

Agree with this.

As you have said, you have a huge disparity in income from your friend, having very high disposable income, while she is barely able to cover food.

She seems very appreciative, personally sending thank you card etc. I would prefer this to some kind of public announcement on FB which is unnecessary and would be jarring and embarrassing for both of you.

Your DH seems very resentful, possibly this is more about him being a lower earner than you?

Suggest he stop looking at her FB and focusses on his own issues, he’s being very petty.

Why are people suggesting dh thanks his wife for earning double what he does, paying for bills etc? They are a partnership that have pooled their money throughout their marriage, very different to the friend situation and has no relevance to this post at all. The husband has retired and that's maybe why his income is now a lot lower.

Your husbands suggestion isn't very nice at all, I don't think it's a case of him wanting to humiliate her but I think he probably sees that she's taking the piss and he's fed up with it.
Is it the occasional treat from friends or does it happen quite often? Imo your post suggests it's regular treats. I think it's nice helping out a friend but I think it's a bit much if it's happening all the time, it will become expected and when the friends do decide they don't want to keep paying for Jane it makes it much harder to get out of that arrangement.

I'm interested to know if it's jane suggesting the fun stuff or are all the friends inviting her and paying? Me personally, I could not keep letting my friends fund my social life but then there are 2 kinds of people in the world, givers and takers.

I think it would be a benefit to your friend if someone actually sat her down and helped her work out her finances otherwise what yous all going to do, pay for your friend forever?

Perhaps your DH should make sure his facebook posts are clear that his lifestyle is funded to a great extent by you OP since you earn the most...wouldn't want people thinking he's making an equal financial contribution...

Let her keep her pride. She obviously doesn’t have much more. If she thanks you personally that’s enough
helping out is what free are for. She working full time

However, if I was the recipient of these gifts of money, tickets, gigs etc I'm afraid I have too much pride to accept them and would certainly make some effort to increase my income or find cheaper housing

It's not about you or your tedious variations of "just move" or "take in ironing". You would choose to refuse your friends' invitations and the opportunity to do nice things with them. That's your decision but it's not a superior one.

It's not really helping her going forward

As if you're thinking about "helping" her!

How is it not helping her? It's enabling her to do things with friends that she couldn't otherwise do. That's the help it's meant to be giving.

and she's a bit old to be on this level of help sadly.

At what age are we no longer allowed to do nice things for friends if we want to?

Hey #SurprisedWithaHorse. yourbeing a bit harsh to #Roxy69. your taking all this a bit personal.

She relies on her mum's pension/savings every month though. She might as well move in with her mum and help her around the house seeing as she takes her money every month. Or move to a cheaper studio flat in the SE. Or move to a more affordable area. There are plenty of other options other than taking advantage of your mum and friends' generosity just because you want to live in an expensive area.