DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

Thought I’d stick my 5 eggs in as I have RTFT and it’s made me very sad…..

Firstly OP you sound lovely and your friendship model follows my own - reciprocal rather than transactional depending on the ebb and flow of life. Your DH sounds as though he has a quite black and white mentality and in your position I’d just stop mentioning your friend and any plans you have with her for a quiet life if this is just one thing that’s a problem overall.

After a series of unfortunate events starting with being suddenly widowed at 53 after 11 years together, I am now in Janes position - keeping a business on life support while it’s not keeping me - which I’m trying to address but ye Gods the world is complicated and I’m depressed and bereft - though waiting for counselling as PTSD and complicated grief is of course just a problem to solve….

I have a few close and good friends who have supported me in many ways, including occasional paid for excursions and meals because I’m in debt that is spiralling out of control - yes I’m addressing that too….

Oh I sound very poor me, but the point I’m really trying to make is that I accept very few invitations to socialise precisely because of the judgement I place on myself and the fear that I am a charity case …. In happier times I have helped out friends where I could just because it felt right, not out of a need for recognition or public thanks, just because the person concerned was important to me. My friends tell me they want my company but I feel like a burden and hide my feelings because “fake it till you make it” and other toxic positivity bollocks.

After my DP died, because he had a wide social circle I spent months feeling obliged to put out gratitude posts tagging people because some went above and beyond, and others meant well.

I feel terminally indebted and as though I deserve nothing until I’ve paid my debts. I’ve tried not socialising at all - yeah, mentally that means I’m highly anxious in all social settings and overwhelmed by guilt - life and sodding soul of the party I am….

There are people posting on here so devoid of empathy they could be robots. Fortunately my suicidal ideation is passive, but if it wasn’t some of the posts on here, that resonate (although I know it’s not “all about me”) might push me further into the void.

The world and its economy are fucked, and people are judging a woman for accepting kindness from her friends- not asking, graciously accepting. Fuck me, what have we become?

I mean the bottom line seems to be that poor people can exist, as long as they don’t actually live, just survive in a state of constant shame and humiliation. Yeah, welcome to my world - fucked at 54 and not for the first time. I’m still yanking on the old bootstraps, but the boots were pretty shabby to start with, and repairs cost money….

Heartened a bit by the empathetic posts - those who know from bitter experience or can imagine that there but for the grace of God etc…. But it’s nothing to do with God, it’s a broken financial system riddled with greed and corruption….. and we’re all playing along because if we all just raise our vibration or something….

Anyway OP sorry for the rant - but the world needs people like you ….. and I offer you an unMumsnetty hug x

#Team @SurprisedWithAHorse

I mean the bottom line seems to be that poor people can exist, as long as they don’t actually live, just survive in a state of constant shame and humiliation. Yeah, welcome to my world - fucked at 54 and not for the first time. I’m still yanking on the old bootstraps, but the boots were pretty shabby to start with, and repairs cost money….

Yes that is plainly what some of the "why don't they just eat cake" posters think. Most of us, however well we think we are doing are just a couple of bad turns of luck from struggling as you describe. The idea that everyone can "just get a better paying job" or "just move" (presumably borrowing the costs of moving and going into debt) is for the birds. Life is much more complicated that the simple financial transactions which seem to drive posters whose only value consideration is monetary.

I find it incredible that posters who think that the DH, who is subsidised over the past decades by his wife, is right to expect a friend who is occasionally subsidised financially to publicly humiliate herself.
If the poorer friend's companionship and emotional support is of no value then nor is the DH's so he should be publicly announcing that he is a "kept man". Perhaps we should all also ask our children to publicly humiliate themselves on FB because we buy their clothes and feed them. And yes, every beneficiary of unearned income/inheritance should by this measure being thanking great grandma Elsie for facilitating their lovely life.

You are as weird and mean spirited as the OP’s DH

Some people don’t earn much and there’s a cost of living crisis

Parents often help their kids out and v v

Friends often pay for less well off friends.

Why on earth would Jane need to publicly acknowledge this? It’s no one’s business than hers and the people who pay for her.

I presume the OP’s husband’s justification for having an opinion is it’s his family money. But the OP has a right to spend her share as she wishes, and none of it sounds very expensive.

How Jane shows her thanks and appreciation is between you 2. It should not be subject to judgement from your partner and in my opinion there's absolutely no expectation that she would issue a public thank you via FB.
There's no indication that Jane expects these things and her income is tight but it's doable. I'm guessing moving wouldn't help as her rent will still he the same. If she moves away from the area she'll need another job. In her situation I would consider moving but that's not for everyone. I don't inderstand why her mum is buying her shopping though. Her income should be enough to pay for the bare necessities. She's likely wanting more. Ultimately though it's up to others if they are happy to pay for little treats here and there. I have treated friends and ive also paid for friends groceries when they're broke. I would not regularly pay for food tho without having a better understanding of their finances....ie poking my nose in. The odd takeaway, travel, trip to cinema, theatre etc I might do if I enjoyed their company. If they smoked though I'd have an issue. Ultimately though it would be my choice and I'd tell OH to butt out

@MistressoftheDarkSide

So sorry you’ve had such a rough time, and I do know how much energy a small business takes - it must be exhausting managing that and grief.

Please don’t stop socialising - your friends will be very happy to cover you. I’m perfectly happy to pay for things for friends - what’s the point of life if not to enjoy it, and most things are nicer shared. None of us can take it with us.

Can you just say to people - it’s really kind but I won’t be able to reciprocate, and if they say no need then take them at face value?

We all of us have different qualities and resources and it changes through life. It’s better for everyone if we put as much as we can in a shared pot.

Do remember that the people who post mean shit on MN are mostly miserable individuals or having a v bad day.

@Notanotherhousepost

And as for your DP I’d tell him you will hear not another word on the subject. Maybe reduce her visits to your house to once a year, and give him good notice so he can go fishing if he doesn’t want to see her. But not another word, seriously.

@theduchessofspork

Thank you ♥️

Neither of you are wrong really.

I don’t think she needs to post on fb, not everything needs to be shared. But if she can’t afford to live and continues to live as she does then yes she is a freeloader, she could downsize or get a better job. I know easier said than done in some cases but you can’t live off handouts forever and not try to improve your situation

It is not false though.

I have had extraordinary experiences in my lifetime - most of them given to me for free. If I was into sm (I am not) why would it be false for me to share them with the world?

It says a lot about your friend that so many of her friends value her enough to treat her and if you are happy to do this, don't let your husband make you doubt yourself, you know if you're being taken advantage of or not. As a previous poster said, there's a certain type of person you has issue with others who receive more than they "earn" and are treated/inherit/are over-paid/marry someone wealthy and it says more about them.

There is nothing wrong with treating your friends if you choose, but I can also see your DH's point of view especially with joint finances.

So you are currently subsiding your dh… if you go out for dinner, does he put it all over fB how great you are op? Or for the nice holiday. Bet he doesn’t. We treat those we love as we would like to be treated. You either give graciously or not at all, and to expect someone to publicly shame themselves is awful.

No one knows what’s around the corner, financially /health wise and having a friend who has your back is a blessing . Personally I’d tell my dh not to utter one more derisive word

I have never been more disappointed with humanity in my life than I have been reading the posts from the judgey, calvinist, dh-fans on this thread. What a truly depressing spectacle.

I agree with you and not your husband. We have a friend we've done similarly for, and it doesn't seem to put you out at all. Sounds like she always thanks the person who paid, so why does she have to announce it to the whole world works when the event does not involve them?

The other day my parents treated us to dinner. Sometimes we treat them. Should we be announcing this to the world on Facebook? Waste of everyone's time, including the readers. It's a shame her job doesn't pay a living wage.

Its none of his business how you interact with YOUR friend. Unless you've asked him for advice or it's affecting his personal finances (which you say it isn't because you are both doing fine financially) then thesis really wierd controlling behaviour from him.
Possibly jealousy that no one helped him when he needed it or something?
I hate people that petty and tight. If I'm flush and a friend is broke OF COURSE I will pay.
This is a separate issue to having someone who could pay themselves but always expects you to. That is not on. If I'm generous with someone I expect them to be generous back in the event that they are able to.. obviously I never expect it back if they are living hand to mouth.
There's a difference between being relied on as a cash cow and just being a decent human being and knowing not everyone's in the same income bracket as you. If want to do fancy activities with a friend whose on benefits on unemployed or on minimum wage or struggling or whatever, then of course I'd pay for that. I've struggled before financially in my early 20s and I've starved without the support of friends. Now I'm doing better in life I know the reasons why some people struggle financially and I don't buy into this lazy freeloader crap mentality. I'll always help my friends.
Your husband sounds mean

I've been toying along with this for the sport

Why do people only ever make this pretence after the angriest and most completely humourless posts?

Are you trying to claim that criticising an impoverished NHS worker and complaining about your perceived victimhood is actually your idea of a good time?

You really should have put you stay at hers twice a month and she feeds you and hosts as it changes the overall original post entirely.

while do the OP’s DH is way off on this as it is the OP’s money, I don’t understand this attitude of it being embarrassing for the op or humiliating for the friend if she posted a pic on Facebook with comment such “Had a great time at the concert. thank’s for the fun, OP”. It wouldn’t be humiliating.

She's already thanked OP privately. Why does she have to do it again publicly?

It's not about thanking. She's done that. It's about deciding that the entire world needs to know who paid for it. Why?

I didn’t say she had to thank OP publicly, only that it wouldn’t be humiliating or the equivalent of wearing suck-cloth and ashes.
Self-flagellation! FFS.

So he expects her to publicly humiliate herself, perhaps he also needs to post on FB that he is thanking you for earning more than him to have his current lifestyle or does it only apply to her.

Your DH is a dick.

Next

That might be the case if it were a one-off but it doesn’t sound as if the friend socialises unless someone else pays for it (with the exception of her hosting in her own home).

So every single time she goes out, she has to acknowledge in her public post that she didn’t pay for it. That quickly becomes quite degrading - and others will judge negatively as is very evident from the comments on this thread,

Your friend should live within her means and stop shouting on Facebook about all the exciting things she is doing . But of course thanks should be private not public