DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

In the south east rents have massivly outstripped incomes , yet if everyone gave up their low paid jobs / got better paid jobs / moved to somewhere cheaper we would have a severe shortage of services . I feel sorry for her .

Your husband is wrong. If she is thanking you privately there is no need to make a big deal on social media. However it is concerning that a lady her age is sponging off other people to this extent. What will she do when her mother is no longer around? Her rent seems quite high. Is she living within her means? Maybe she needs to downsize her house. She is taking the P to be honest

There's something very wrong with your husband that he feels the need to make her do that, shame herself publicly because she is "less than" the other members of your friendship group.

I find it concerning that he's also policing your friendships. What is his motivation behind this?

I would take a fresh look at this man and his core values as a human and a husband.

Jane should become financially more savvy. However, what you choose to do with your money, and how Jane chooses to thank you, is none if your husbands business.

Expecting her to Publicly declare her thanks on socials is crass.

Perhaps Jane is embarrassed, or doesn't want to make her other friends feel obliged/inadequate. Maybe she feels a thank you note is sufficient.

Just out of interest, does your hubby publicly thank you every yine you go.out, as you're the main bread earner?

Her rent is normal for the southeast, she's struggling with depression after bereavement so working at all is probably incredibly difficult, she's doing a job that's doing good for society...surely housing costs, the lack of social welfare support for people going through traumatic experiences and low pay in essential jobs are the issues and should be blamed, rather than pretending someone who sounds as if she's showing extraordinary levels of strength, determination and hard work is "taking the piss"?!

Yes, I agree.

But she isn't a nurse, she works in admin. Clearly it was a temp contract at B6 and she hasn't been able to secure another B6 position. In my trust, there are very few B6 admin positions . I am surprised you have your pick of them in your trust. Most admin in my trust are B2 or 3.

I live in the southeast and my rent is much lower than that for 3 bedrooms. The south east is a large area with some deprived towns like Hastings, so to say the rent in that area is high is a generalisation. And my comment was based on the original post, not ant other additional information that was added after. Unfortunately I don't have time to read 17 pages of comments

That's nobody's business but hers and her mother's. The poster was angry because she claims OP subsidises the friend's rent. She doesn't.

OP please stop telling your judgemental DH your friends business. Why are you even telling him who paid for her ticket etc? Stop talking about her private business, both to your DH and on social media!

That’s what I said. No one else seems to have picked up on the face Jane’s elderly mother is giving her money for food shopping every month. Honestly, when you need your mother’s pension to feed yourself, it’s time to reassess your life.

So it’s not enough that she says thank you - she has to declare to everyone that the rockets were a gift?

explore why this annoys your husband: he doesn’t want the gift givers thanks - they have been. He wants everyone to know this lady can’t afford the tickets. He wants her to be humble and small.

does he think she is showing off - trying to be better than she is?

of her Facebook page annoys him why is he looking?

You're right it's not about you, which is why it's hard to see why you're so offended by it.

A person who was unable to completely recover her career after job loss has friends who would rather pay for her tickets than go without her as she can't afford it. That's all it is. If you can't understand why some people would do that, you don't have to do it yourself.

Since you like to talk about solutions so much, perhaps you can address the real problem here: that a person in an essential NHS service role can't afford a decent, modest life. But that doesn't seem to be what offends you.

Or it's time to reassess the cost of living against salaries.

At any rate, if OP stopped buying gig tickets and meals out for Jane, Jane's mother would still be helping her because OP's money isn't going towards Jane's rent.

There are so many pretzels and accusations and deflections and made-up bollocks on this thread, but it's all looking very much to me like the age-old "poor people should never be allowed to have fun" mentality that PPs have shared links about.

You said she sends you a thank you note, and that's all she needs to do.

Let me put it another way, when someone has lost the point of their argument, in desperation they throw personal insults and transpose their own emotional state onto the other person. Its quite common. You're also making accusations of my perceived and imagined emotional state. I told you before it's cringey and embarrassing, but you persist, which keeps proving my point.

Compounded to this you now make a assumption that I don't care about NHS wages and the state of UK housing. Quite a leap. Good debating skills aren't derived out of personal assumptions and guess work, try sticking to facts.

Facts are this lady could have a quick look at Spareroom.com in the South East and halve her housing costs. As for the wider issue of the housing crisis, which affects everyone, you'll need to talk to successive governments since 1997 about that.

Oh god another "anyone can be comfortably off if only they Work Hard Enough"
Rubbish.

That's between Jane and her mother (and the mother could be wealthy).

The thread is about the OPs husband's reaction theJane's finances.

£5k disposable monthly income.....bloody lucky ducky!! Bin DH and marry me instead! We'll have a lovely old time!

Seriously though, you sound like a lovely friend and if you know she'd do the same if roles were reversed then crack on.

She shouldn't have to make it known on SM someone else has paid, she could be too embarrassed by her financial situation and it's no one elses business. Anyone can post anything on Facebook, but she goes to the effort of sending you a card which shows more appreciation in my opinion. Ignore DH and marry me instead!!

@SilentHedges take no notice of @SurprisedWithAHorse She picked on me yesterday. She likes a row

@ShooLala Thank you for the tip. To be honest I've been toying along with this for the sport, but I do need to go out shortly, so @SurprisedWithAHorse it's been fun, but I'll leave you to tie yourself up in knots with someone else now.

@SurprisedWithAHorse I agree with you

Expecting performative gratitude. Knowing it would be publicly shaming for her. Your husband seems to have a cruel streak.

Your husband is being very unreasonable for expecting her to post anything on social media. If she thanks you in person that’s enough imo.

You're making a lot of negative assumptions here.

• Jane has a mother (over-70 at least) who probably lives nearby
• Jane may have lived there a long time and be attached to the place
• Moving costs money she doesn't have
• How far would she have to move to save on the rent? She still has to get to work / visit her mother.
• Jane used to earn more as a Band 6 and probably still harbours hopes that she will again so moving now would seem illogical.

Show a bit of bloody empathy for goodness' sake. You may find yourself in similar circumstance yourself one day.