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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/09/2023 06:51

Equally, because someone is poor and has to be supported by friends who aren't poor, why does that give the "benefactor" the right to come on here and discuss every aspect of that person's existence, because they're financing their life, and that POOR person doesn't have any right to respect, dignity or privacy.

if that was my friend I would be protecting their anonymity and certainly wouldn't be discussing their private identifiable information on a global forum, but there we go.

Susieb2023 · 30/09/2023 07:00

What a horrible thread. I wouldn’t think twice about supporting my friend if they were significantly less off than me if I had the kind of spare cash every month as original poster. I loathe the idea that OP is altruistic and some arguing being taken advantage of because it’s clear she enjoys her time with one of her oldest friends and this is how that time happens.

What I really object to is her friend’s finances being discussed on here, alongside her career falls and disappointments. I hope she never realises that there is a thread like this out there discussing her like this. Grim.

Pleaseme · 30/09/2023 07:04

Crikey should she also don the sackcloth and ashes? I wouldn’t expect to be publicly thanked for a good deed. Some people seem to enjoy good deed performance though, a hobby that gained popularity during the pandemic.

Tanktanktank · 30/09/2023 07:08

It’s sad really OP that your husband doesn’t value your friendship with your friend. She sends you notes of thanks, surely that is enough why on earth does he think she should be telling everyone on fb you(& others) paid for her?

id be asking him if he were her would he be posting his financial struggles on his fb page.

Fallingthroughclouds · 30/09/2023 07:17

I'll say it again. OP is NOT being generous at all, quite the opposite she stays with her friend once or twice a month for a couple of nights. This cost of this will be more than one or visits to Scotland to see her, half of which is paid on OP's expense account. Well done OP for getting everyone to think how caring, generous and altruistic you are to your poor friend. Your occasional night out is the least you could do in the way of a thank you for all her time and generosity. Why don't you get on FB and give her thanks, and your selfish husband can give a grovelling public apology well you're at it.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 07:17

Luckyduc · 30/09/2023 06:50

Your husband is right.
Also....why doesn't she have the common sense to move away from the expensive area to a cheaper area ....buy a house or flat share. That's life. She's literally trying to live somewhere she can't afford and it's time to be realistic.

Gotta love it when a "just move"-er tries to lecture about common sense...

Hayliebells · 30/09/2023 07:17

Your DH sounds like a bit of a judgy dick. As long as she thanks her friends in person, who really cares what she posts on Facebook. And I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with friends and relatives helping out someone less well off, if it's all done freely. It's non of your DH's business really, unless you're spending more than your share of money on her.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 30/09/2023 07:17

I’m assuming she’s a lovely person and a good friend if people are so choosing to be so generous with their money to her.
On the other hand, your husband sounds unpleasant.

Maybe he’s just jealous because people like her.

PinkNailpolish · 30/09/2023 07:19

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:44

Her rent is £1300 a month and he after tax income is £1741......She lives in the southeast

She needs to move to an area she can afford or move in with mum seeing as her mum already gives her money every month. She could pay half the bills and food shop if she lives with her mum. Your friend is older than my parents (she is late 50s and mine are early 50s). I think it's appalling that your friend is taking her 80 something old mum's pension/savings every month.

Susieb2023 · 30/09/2023 07:21

Totally agree @Fallingthroughclouds . This thread absolute reeks of being judgy and nasty and allowing for a pile on. I’d be devastated if a friend posted this about me. This woman is doing her absolute best to return favours. It might not be concert tickets and travel but she’s returning kindness and generosity at HER means.

MyCircumference · 30/09/2023 07:23

her face book her choice,

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/09/2023 07:26

Does your husband acknowledge on FB that you are paying 2/3 of everything for him?

Syndulla · 30/09/2023 07:27

Everyone suggesting friend should move: Have you seen what the rental market is like at the moment? Chances are she would only end up somewhere MORE expensive.

I'm with you OP. It's nice that she's able to make these trips etc whilst on the breadline and I don't see why she should have to announce her benefactors on Facebook. That would be awkward!

Could she block DH from seeing her posts... problem solved.

SilentHedges · 30/09/2023 07:27

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:44

Her rent is £1300 a month and he after tax income is £1741......She lives in the southeast

Problem solved right there, her rent. I live in the South East (Surrey) and you can rent a room in a house (Inc bills) for around £700. I didn't like it, but I flat shared well into my 40s so I had more money.

Alwaysdieting · 30/09/2023 07:28

Im on your Husbands side in this. Is it because your friend works for the NHS that you feel sorry for her. She is not even on the nursing side. She should really feel guity taking all her gullible friends for a free meal ticket.
She should also be looking for a better paid job.
Dont argue with your DH over this he is right and I think deep down you know it.

Hayliebells · 30/09/2023 07:32

It's when I read threads like this that I realise why we live in a horrible, self centered, modern Tory Britain (I actually think traditional Tories are OK). So many judgy awful posts. No wonder we demonise benefits "scroungers" and refugees.

NeedToChangeName · 30/09/2023 07:33

mindutopia · 29/09/2023 10:50

I mean, I think posting on Facebook about other people paying for your days out is weird. I would be suspicious of anyone who did that because it sounds almost like they are fishing for more freebies actually.

But for people who have joint finances, where truly you combine your incomes and pay from one pot, you both have to agree to how that money is spent. If your dh isn't comfortable with you spending money like this on your friend, then you need to re-consider how you arrange your finances or you need to not be paying money for your friend.

I'd be pretty annoyed if dh was paying for friends' transport or days out for them from our joint account. I have no issue if he pays for it from his personal account as that money is for him to spend how he wishes, as is mine. But our friend's jollies aren't a joint household expense and I wouldn't want to be funding them.

@mindutopia agree with this

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 07:35

SilentHedges · 30/09/2023 07:27

Problem solved right there, her rent. I live in the South East (Surrey) and you can rent a room in a house (Inc bills) for around £700. I didn't like it, but I flat shared well into my 40s so I had more money.

Show quote history

Would you have done it if you hadn't had to?

SilentHedges · 30/09/2023 07:37

Pinkglobelamp · 29/09/2023 23:23

Completely normal rent and earnings for normal working people where I live in the southeast. That's why there are so many people using foodbanks. If she had a partner living with her she'd be managing ok, but it's often harder if you're single in that position. And it's extraordinarily difficult to move house unless you have a lot of money, a job to go to (difficult if you're a middle-aged woman already in a low-paid job), or a big support network to help you. It sounds like she has the latter...but you disapprove of that.

Show quote history

Normal if you're renting an entire property to yourself, not normal if you're sharing or renting a room. Look on Spareroom.com in any part of the South East and you'll see rooms with bills included for circa £700 +/- As a single female I flat shared well into my 40s (to save to buy in my 50s) so I know all about the logistics of renting and moving. I also had no family support network, unlike this lady. Finding rooms to rent is far easier and a totally different market than people wanting whole properties.

SilentHedges · 30/09/2023 07:40

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 07:35

Would you have done it if you hadn't had to?

Show quote history

Sorry I don't understand your comment? If you mean would I have done it, ie moved out of an expensive place into a shared house or room, then yes (see my comments above) I did it well into my 40s to save money. I'd of loved my own place, but had to share to cut costs.

Blinkingbonkers · 30/09/2023 07:43

I think your husband sounds awful. She is not asking you to pay for these things - you are inviting her & offering!! AND she is a good friend. You expect her to self flagellate on social media?! That’s actually quite sick. We often take holiday homes larger than we need and invite friends to join us - I would NEVER expect more than a letter to say thank you (& a bottle of wine will suffice!!). People are so f-ing mean these days - if you have more why not share a little with people whose company you enjoy and wouldn’t otherwise be able to see. You sound lovely, I think you should ditch the ‘d’h!!!!😆

NeedToChangeName · 30/09/2023 07:46

If your friend sees this thread, she'll easily identify herself

If you're staying with her 2 nights every month, she's being a very generous host to you. I think that puts a different slant on it. Perhaps your DH could regard the other trips as you thanking her

Hibiscrubbed · 30/09/2023 07:48

Frankly, where your H is concerned, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Groovee · 30/09/2023 07:50

There's no need to be thanked on Facebook. But if anything happened to her mum, how would she live? Theres an aspect that she doesn't try to reduce her outgoings and constantly accepts the generosity of friends as well as her mum.

Katy123456 · 30/09/2023 07:51

Please don't suggest to her she should be making public thank you posts. It must be tough working hard and yet still not having much money left, and if she has friends who recognise they are in a fortunate position financially and can help that is great. It sounds like she is appreciative in person which is all that matters.