DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

It's the Mumsnet "just move", because of course it's just that simple and doesn't come with any costs.

I get that it'd be hard to give up her home

No, you really don't. I don't think you get anything at all.

Also just read that you stay with your friend and she cooks and you stay over so she is also treating you. Your husband sounds mean and bitter and just jealous. Continue your friendship and tell him to cop on and to stop spying on your facebook.

@C8H10N4O2 if it’s the OPs disposable fun spend it nothing to do with him and if she chooses to spend her money on her friend that fine.

If it’s from joint accounts it’s his money too. So yes, he can feel annoyed cos social media is just about image. She can do what she does without posting. Yet she does. For image.

I think saying thanks privately is more than enough. A gushing thanks on FB is just embarrassing, both for her and the giver IMO.

YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINT THAT OP SPENDS 2 NIGHTS ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH AT THIS WOMAN'S HOME. COOKED FOR AND PROVIDED FOR. FINANCIALLY OP IS EARNING OFF HER, EMOTIONALLY THIS WOMEN IS EXPENDING MORE. HUSBAND IS A DICK AND OP IS MAKING NO SENSE, SHE SHOULD HAVE NO COMPLAINTS ONLY GRATITUDE. WOMAN DESERVES A MEDAL FOR PUTTING UP WITH THEM.

Yes, it sounds like that, and so do some of the pp here!
I have always paid for friends who can't afford something if I can and they for me. It's called being human.
I think the Facebook posts sound like a way of thanking people, showing she appreciates the good times with them. I'd be very embarrassed if someone I'd paid for a meal or a gig for then thanked me publicly: that would be weird. I prefer it to be taken for granted that if you care about someone that's what you do, naturally.

Also just read that you stay with your friend and she cooks and you stay over so she is also treating you

Should have put this in your OP.

Completely normal rent and earnings for normal working people where I live in the southeast. That's why there are so many people using foodbanks. If she had a partner living with her she'd be managing ok, but it's often harder if you're single in that position. And it's extraordinarily difficult to move house unless you have a lot of money, a job to go to (difficult if you're a middle-aged woman already in a low-paid job), or a big support network to help you. It sounds like she has the latter...but you disapprove of that.

I would never want something like that to be publicly acknowledged. That's really tacky.

Why wouldn't they? Isn't it a bit weird and unpleasant not to? Everyone I know does that for each other. It's what you do if you care about someone, it's what friends, families, neighbours do for one another. We do it for strangers too, for example, in coffee shops or a bookshop I was in the other day, where you can pay towards a book for someone who can't afford one. I can't imagine what sort of person wouldn't think this just normal and natural. Thank goodness!

I think the main issue is cost of living. Should be able to live on a full time salary but cost of renting is ludicrous.

Fb isn’t the real world though! Why would she need to tell a few hundreds people where she went and who paid. She has thanked you by note. That shows she appreciates it. In her situation I would be looking at moving somewhere cheaper or moving to a better paid job. I wouldn’t want my friends paying for me.

Public gratitude message is a horrible embarrassing humiliating idea -
like expecting the Victorian poor to be grateful for the charitable works of their betters. Grim.

You are generous to your friend because you want to do lovely things with her.
Your husband wants her to grovel and be seen as less than him and beholden to her friends.
You are right to see your friend as an equal, regardless of wealth.
No one would be purchasing anything for her if they could not afford to or because she insited that they did.
She is respected because her job is very giving and specialised and she obviously is a great personality.

I'm with you all the way.
You husband is nasty and a true snob.

I do hope that your friend can secure a better place for herself because she deserves to but she possibly can't beause of her age.

Tell him to stop looking at her Facebook if it causes him so much stress. Tell your pal to block him.

Your friends needs to block your husband on FB, job done.

A lot of folks, use the term freeloader or user in a very judgemental capacity., not really knowing the full extent of someone's circumstances. Many people don't realise the myriad of personal reasons why someone may be or become 🤔 this way, due to redundancy or a life changing event, injury related or other, there may be more to this sorry saga, than has been disclosed in the original post.

People who say 'she should just move or get a better job'. If it was easy to just get a better paid job, we would all be doing it. If everyone had that attitude, there would be no nurses, shop assistants, bar, restaurant staff in London. You need people on low wages to live all over the country, we can't all move to the cheap parts and if we did that, the cheap parts would become more expensive. So what she gets help from her mum, that's her mum's decision and maybe she's doing a job where she helps people, maybe even saves lives. Get off your high horse, we can't all be bankers (and I have WAY more respect for a low paid health worker than a banker).

Also, if you live opposite ends of the country I assume you don't see her all the time so it's not like you are spending thousands on her a year. Plus 5K a month, no mortgage is insane money so if you can afford it, why not treat a friend and do something nice with your money. Spending it on a lovely experience is surely better than buying stuff you may not need. Seeing your friend will probably bring you more happiness so you are spending money on her so you can enjoy yourself.

Nice, to read this, true friends will stick by you, no matter what your circumstances are.

She says thanks you directly. Why would she need to post all over facebook that her friends pay for her.

Lovely that you and your and friends treat her. She sounds appreciative rather than expecting it.

Tell dh you dont want a public thank you on Facebook and tell him you dont want to discuss this again.

That’s DH problem he’s jealous of the funds you gift your friend

This is staggering - you've posted your friend's personal financial history, information about her job, all about her life, all about how you help her. Fuck sake, what's wrong with you?

Your friend is POOR! You husband wants her to tell everyone she is POOR! POOR people should live within their means and if not then should remain in a dark room, indoors as their POVERTY means they cannot spend money they do not have because they are POOR!

Being facetious OC. I'm sure you're friend is grateful for her lovely friends who seem not to mind spending money on activities for her. None of your husband's business. Unless he'd like to make her a sign for round her neck for when she's on these activities saying: POOR. DID NOT PAY FOR THIS EXPERIENCE

Hopefully he'll never have to experience what it's like to struggle for money. Hopefully he'll never have the crippling guilt that comes with feeling like you owe your friends but being unable to go halfwards even.

Your husband is right.
Also....why doesn't she have the common sense to move away from the expensive area to a cheaper area ....buy a house or flat share. That's life. She's literally trying to live somewhere she can't afford and it's time to be realistic.

Being generous to a friend and expecting very public self-flagellation is just like the influencers who film themselves giving a homeless person a sandwich. It's cringeworthy and completely unfair on the person on the receiving end. You shouldn't have to accept humiliation just because you are given some financial help.

True generosity is given freely, and not in return for public ass pats. If you don't feel happy unless the person confesses their poverty publicly with a gushing thank you, then don't contribute.

I think it's reasonable to expect a private thank you, that's just respectful and good manners. There's no reason at all why this should be made public.

Unless the friend is clearly bragging and posting very misleading information about her overall lifestyle, I can't imagine why anyone would be upset. Lots of people post on social media to a) be part of their social group who use that form of social media b) it's a great way to record memories of happy occasions.

The people who think she should be thanking OP (and others publicly) - have you considered what that will look like? Literally every one of her posts will have to say "thank you to X for buying the tickets" "thank you to Y for paying for my train fare" "thank you to Z for paying for my food".... As OP says, her friend doesn't have the money to pay for her own social events so you're saying that either she's not allowed to share her memories on social media, or if she does, she's obliged to admit on every sodding post that she was once again reliant on other people's charity.

Christ Almighty, people are so harsh sometimes.