DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

[Notanotherhousepost]

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

Surely posting on Facebook is also a way of showing her gratitude - that she enjoyed herself and it made her happy? And it would certainly embarrass me if I’d given a gift to have someone publicly thank me as that’s not why I would have done it.

Sadly I think her solution is really to take on a bit more work or reduce her rent by sharing. A life of being grateful must be miserable.

I don’t think he’s been fair, the fact she’s thankful is a good thing. If people want to help her out that’s on me. And yes sometimes people use social media as an escape from reality, would she want everyone on there to know she’s struggling financially? No.

OP I think you should ask for this thread to be removed. If your friend sees this I’m sure she’d be heartbroken with the whole thing.

If your DH is going to be so petty as to want her to publicly announce her friends paid for her jolly’s then he should do the same considering his own circumstances…

Cant believe Facebook is still a thing.

Different people have different priorities though. Some folks are very happy in a shared house, for others, that would be complete misery.

I've lived in a shared house before. I'm in my 40s now and I couldn't do it again.

From the OP's description, her friend hosts her, cooks dinner etc - that's really difficult in a shared house.

The friend sounds pretty frugal - it's not her fault that her friends want to treat her. And OP doesn't say much about the friend's mother - maybe she's comfortable financially and is happy to top up her daughter's income.

Moving into a shared house feels like a drastic solution that wouldn't necessarily improve her quality of life.

We don’t know anything about this woman’s life other than the personal details given out by the OP which (I believe) she should not have done!!! We don’t know her mother’s situation or had a deep dive into her choices to stay in her flat. Why on earth are mumsnetters not posting about the husband and his belief (which is the actual question) and instead making sweeping comments about what a friend of the OP should do, the OP did not ask you and the friend most certainly hasn’t! That wasn’t the point of the thread. I’d be bloody fuming if I came across this thread and recognised myself.

I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from

He is being mean spirited and it really is nothing to do with him. I hate the "I'm alright Jack" attitude.

I had a friend in the South in a similar situation. She did move and went from not covering her outgoings to barely covering them. A group of us helped her out like you do OP. She was stressed about her finances all the time and found it difficult to accept help and sometimes refused it - she was proud. I don't think her worrying helped her health and she died from a stroke earlier this year in her early sixties. Our group paid for her funeral and, at the time, I thought what a difference that several thousand pounds would have made to her life. I feel guilty now that I didn't do more.

If you are happy to pay for your friend then do it, but be under no illusion your mate is a freeloader. Can’t afford your rent? Move. She is making the decision to live with the financial aid of her elderly mother who is on a pension, and have a great social life on the back of her friends paying for her constantly - it’s not a good look.

just to add- I have been in a similar position and I moved to a smaller flat and changed jobs, as you honestly can’t spend your whole life relying on others.

I think the real issue is he just doesnt like her and uses this as a stick to have a go.

You've hit the nail squarely on the head @Notanotherhousepost

You seem like an extremely loyal friend. Your husband sounds a bit mean-spirited.

OP if your pal is late 50s and previously a band 6 it may be worth her taking her pension and then carrying on with her job. Shell get a lump sum too. Should be helpful to her until she's old enough to also claim government pension. Sad that her union didn't challenge band 6 to band 4 drop. I agree with your husband a little that she is indeed a bit of a grabby friend, though I understand you wanting to help her when she visits.

‘Which is fine because I'm the main earner (double his take home).’

Does he make this small fact clear on all his social media? That although you operate on an equal shares basis of a comfortable budget, his is the significant smaller contribution? Somehow I doubt this.

Could he easily enjoy the same lifestyle & financial cushioning on his income alone?

Why is it OK for him to enjoy the enhanced benefits of your joint income without his declaring that another person has boosted him into this, but your friend has to announce/declare how others have boosted her so that she can share in their enjoyment?

Your friend has the good manners to thank you accordingly & that is what matters between you.

He is not a penny out of pocket when you treat your friend. He may argue that she could get a better job to increase her income, but then he could get more paid work to up to match your contribution? The point being is that life is not so simple & as we know, employment opportunities shrink as we pass our mid-50s. He may think that she relies upon others to enjoy a lifestyle beyond her current means but you & her friends are adults who choose to support her, no-one is forcing this to happen.

I suggest that he blocks your friend on FB so that he may no longer take offence.

Also has your friend applied for working tax credits or housing benefits? She may find some relief there & would not be financially dependent on her family for basics. Turn2Us has an easy-to-use benefits modeller to ‘game’ her finances before making an application. Turn2Us benefit calculator

To have so many friends willing to help her out with social invitations, I think your less well off friend must be fun to be with OP. People wouldn’t keep giving charity in the form of taking her out if they weren’t getting anything out of it and felt she was sponging all the time. They would start to resent her and drop the friendship.

I haven’t experienced this dynamic with a friend, but my sister was much worse off than I was for a while, and I would treat her when we met. If you love someone, that’s something you can do without resentment. From the sound of it, your friend isn’t lazy and hasn’t done anything wrong. She was unfortunate enough to lose a well paying job for one that pays less well. And yes, arguably she should downsize, but if her mother can afford to support her without making her own life a struggle, then that’s entirely between them.

It seems your husband doesn’t value your friend and isn’t happy that you do. Because of that, he wants her to publically humiliate herself by groveling.

On a practical level, would it be better to keep them apart? If she annoys him, then it might be that which is bringing out his snobby attitude. Go away with her, rather than having her at yours. If his beef is with the money you spend, does he have any hobbies he indulges that cost money? If you share everything, I bet there are times when he spends money on things he enjoys, but that bring no value to your life.

I hope his resentment of your friend and your friendship is something you can find a way past, but his attitude towards her (and the effective slur on your judgement for continuing the friendship) would certainly make me think less of him than I did before. If he’s not keen on her, then that’s something he could have tackled with you to resolve directly. Instead, he has revealed an odd side of himself and his attitude towards those well off that’s not very attractive.

You did it because you had to.

If you had a mother in a position to help you out so you didn't have to, would you have done it?

Maybe you would. Personally I'm not particularly proud about help from parents so if accepting some money from my mother kept me out of house sharing in my 40s after I lost my job and couldn't fully recover my career, then I'd do it and not feel bad at all (assuming she could afford it without detriment to her lifestyle, of course).

I wouldn't feel any need to live a way I didn't want to when I didn't have to, just to prove a point. My husband earns more than I do so while I contribute, I already live a very subsidised life.

Clearly people do this because they enjoy her company. I doubt very many would do this for your DH OP..... he sounds awful.

Absolutely people have different priorities, and I would have loved a place of my own, and like you I would never have shared if I didn't have to. I had some terrible but equally really enjoyable experiences. BUT I certainly wouldnt expect friends to pick up the tab linked to my life choices, so I down graded my living expectations and paid my own way.

This friend wants it both ways, to live in unnecessary housing she cant afford, but then to take hospitality, paid gifts etc from friends to "compliment" her lifestyle. I'm all for helping people in need, but not someone who could a) save on living expenses and /or b) seek a better paid job.

Your husband sounds awful.
We are in a better financial position than many of our family and friends.
We regularly pay for things, including weekends away and the odd holiday, because we enjoy their company and know they couldn’t afford it otherwise. It’s our decision, they don’t ask us to.
Our one rule is, we offer, it gets booked/paid and then it’s never mentioned again. I don’t want repeated thanks, it just reminds everyone that there’s a ‘power imbalance’ in the relationship and I hate that. It’s ’the Holiday’ or ‘the weekend away’ not ‘the holiday that X and Y paid for’ etc. I would die if this was mentioned on Facebook - our financial situation is our own business and so is the other party’s.
If we didn’t pay for things, they’d still enjoy our company. They did long before we were able to do this and if we lost it all tomorrow they wouldn’t disappear into the distance.

I’m with you op, however I don’t like Facebook bragging, and I really wouldn’t like Facebook bragging that isn’t even being funded by herself, so for me, I think it’s how the Facebook posts are worded. If it’s factual or obvious bragging.

Incorrect, I didn't HAVE to flatshare. I could have rented an expensive flat for myself. I flatshared because because it enabled me to save money, be independent and have enough money that I could go about my life without being "subbed" by other people.

If I had family support helping me out, so I didn't have to flatshare, then no I wouldn't have done it. Because then presumably I'd have family money paying for me and then I wouldn't have to rely on friends either.

This woman is relying on friends, ergo she needs to rethink her housing costs, or get a better paid job. Mumsnet really hates solutions.

This woman is relying on friends

She's not relying on them for her housing costs. And it doesn't sound as if she has any expectations for what they do pay for.

What are these "solutions"? The only problem is that she can't go to gigs and restaurants with people who want to go with her. So they choose to treat her, as they can afford to and they want to. Is that not a solution?

Does he thank you publicly on Facebook for being the major contributor to your finances. He is BU

Why shouldn’t she post her fun times on Facebook? If she was funded by some family trust fund or rent from a house left to her, she wouldn’t be earning the money but wouldn’t be judged. Someone born into a massively wealthy family, who doesn’t need to earn money, has done nothing to ‘change their life circumstances’ or earn that money.

I also think saying that a 50 year old woman whose salary doesn’t cover the basics should ‘just change her circumstances’ is just naive. How should she do that? What needs to change is making sure that people can afford to live.

Why is her rent so high? Because we have allowed a small percentage of people to hoard assets. The more they buy, the more they earn, the more they can buy and so on. Capital Gains Tax is tiny compared to the massive amounts of wealth that the top 2% make (doing absolutely nothing to earn it I might add). why is her salary comparatively low?

I work as a HC professional in the NHS and I can tell you very clearly that the Band 3 admin posts are not only an essential part of the service, they ensure that those of us with specific clinical skills can use our time efficiently and effectively doing ‘only what only we can do’. So why should the OPs friend change her life? She should be able to afford to live as someone in an essential
service role.

The anger at the OPs friend is misplaced IMHO and should be aimed at a system that has consistently underfunded public services, promoted social inequality and failed to tax wealth so that life becomes more affordable for all.

*Team husband

Defiantly not!

I bet your DH benefits more than £300 a year from your wages -

Actually if you work it out he puts in 1/3 but spends 1/2

17% benefit for being married to you. If you earn £50K and he earns £25 that’s £12,500 extra £6250 is his free of charge!

Does he post on FB how grateful he is?

No objection to helping out friends and don’t think gratitude needs to be public, but..

If her close friends all live the other end of the country where her salary would go much further, why doesn’t she move? Personally, I couldn’t stand to live in an area where I didn’t even have enough left over after paying rent that I had to use my mother’s pension money just to eat. That’s no way to live.

Yes, we agree, she IS relying on friends. She can't go to gigs and restaurants otherwise because she is paying too much for housing. Her friends aren't physically paying her rent, but they are subsiding her chosen lifestyle (ie the obvious thing being her rent is unnecessarily high).

Solutions: Friend gets better paid job, and pays less for housing and therefore can support herself without relying on others.

It's fantastically simple maths that "most" people understand in order to get by in life.

If her close friends all live the other end of the country where her salary would go much further, why doesn’t she move?

Because her job is where she is and it sounds like that was hard enough to get, she likely has important people like family and other friends there, and moving is a huge stress and massive expense.

I don't know where you live but it's likely you could find somewhere cheaper in the UK. So why don't you move?