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Original poster

DH thinks best friend is a freeloader because of facebook

514 replies

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 10:30

Firstly I want to say, money is not the issue. We are more than comfortable. We have also always had joint finances - everything goes into a joint pot.

So, BF - lets call her Jane, works for the NHS as a band 4 - used to be a band 6 but when her job ended the best she could get was a 4. She's late 50s and works in admin.

Her outgoings are greater than her incomings even before food - her mother helps her out each month.

Most of her friends, including me, are a lot better off. I live the opposite end of the country from her. If she comes to visit I pay her train tickets and cover the cost of anything we do including food and drink. She literally can'f afford it.

Other friends will take her to gigs etc

DH has a massive issue with her because (1) he doesn't believe you should get help from people to the extent she does and (2) she never posts on facebook the way he thinks she should.

She'llpost about going to XYZ gig or going out for the day but does not say "thank you to notanotherhousepost for buying me the ticket"

Or"thank you to my other mate for getting me the ticket to XYZ"

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

I just don't get it - I don't understand even vaguely where he's coming from.

OP posts:
ShooLala · 29/09/2023 17:18

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/09/2023 16:58

"Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone's got one."

Show quote history

Including you eh

HerMammy · 29/09/2023 17:40

£26k gross, of which £15 is on rent before anything else is paid, that's not lying about having spare cash that's very very tight.

CaptinKitty · 29/09/2023 17:57

@ShooLala

You’re doing a massive amount of assumption and projection here.

OP has given no indication of how frequently this friend is treated to things. There’s a huge difference between posting about going to a gig once or twice a year and pretending you live some fake affluent ‘lifestyle’.

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 18:03

So I take friend to mine once maybe twice a year, between train tickets or flights (I live far north of scotland), hotels if we do an overnight jolly somewhere and food/drink it's about 600 quid in total. Of.course, half of that is on my expenses so.ots about 300-400 max maybe twice a year.

I visit her at least.once a month for.two nights after I have to go to our offices in London. My employer covers my expenses on that one. I provide wine, she provides.food

Sorry for the typos - bloody new phone.

I.dont pay for her tickets to save me.travelling - we.normally travel together and have a laugh

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 29/09/2023 18:17

So OP you only really pay for her stuff a couple of times a year. How about everyone else, it doesn't sound like you're buying her gig tickets?

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 18:24

Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 18:03

So I take friend to mine once maybe twice a year, between train tickets or flights (I live far north of scotland), hotels if we do an overnight jolly somewhere and food/drink it's about 600 quid in total. Of.course, half of that is on my expenses so.ots about 300-400 max maybe twice a year.

I visit her at least.once a month for.two nights after I have to go to our offices in London. My employer covers my expenses on that one. I provide wine, she provides.food

Sorry for the typos - bloody new phone.

I.dont pay for her tickets to save me.travelling - we.normally travel together and have a laugh

So your friend puts you up at least once a month for 2 nights, provides food and cooks for you and your husband is begrudging her the cost of an occasional visit to deepest, darkest Scotland. I'm not quite sure who is financially benefitting more. Do you tag every photo spent down South with a grovelling thank you, for providing x,y and z? This is crazy and a big drip feed. Tell your husband to get to fuck, what a selfish buggar he is.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/09/2023 18:26

Also she's hosting you once or twice a month. This takes effort, energy, time and consideration. You get the better deal. She has my empathy.

PickledFox · 29/09/2023 18:34

Your DH sounds horrible

Blinkityblonk · 29/09/2023 18:37

Do you mean you stay over two nights a month at hers? Or just get together two nights after work? Either way, she sounds generous with what she has, her time, her flat, and welcoming and lovely. I can't think then why a once or twice a year visit would bother your husband, it's probably pretty much even in terms of cost (if she's hosting you, providing food 24 days a year!)

Aavalon57 · 29/09/2023 18:55

Reading this thread, I can see why the Tories have been in power for 13 years!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/09/2023 19:30

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 17:18

Including you eh

Show quote history

Well mine's based on the person we're supposed to be discussing. Nor a completely different person doing something else entirely.

pastaandpesto · 29/09/2023 19:31

Aavalon57 · 29/09/2023 18:55

Reading this thread, I can see why the Tories have been in power for 13 years!

Yep. I thought the same.

I'm not a massive fan of the Guardian but this is an excellent examination of how we, as a society, have slipped into the mindset displayed by the DH.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/aug/08/britain-poor-people-leisure-victorian-workhouse

Britons have become so mean that many of us think poor people don’t deserve leisure time | Frances Ryan

This is the Victorian workhouse mentality repackaged for the iPhone era, says Guardian columnist Frances Ryan

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/aug/08/britain-poor-people-leisure-victorian-workhouse

Twiglets1 · 29/09/2023 19:46

He sounds like a tosser tbh

porridgeisbae · 29/09/2023 20:19

£26k gross, of which £15 is on rent before anything else is paid, that's not lying about having spare cash that's very very tight.

Then she needs to find ways of making ends meet by either moving to somewhere cheaper, move in with her mum, or take in a lodger.

Or not and live with this now chosen financial situation without p*ssing and moaning about it like she has so OP knows all the details to further the grift.

Original poster
Notanotherhousepost · 29/09/2023 20:23

porridgeisbae · 29/09/2023 20:19

£26k gross, of which £15 is on rent before anything else is paid, that's not lying about having spare cash that's very very tight.

Then she needs to find ways of making ends meet by either moving to somewhere cheaper, move in with her mum, or take in a lodger.

Or not and live with this now chosen financial situation without p*ssing and moaning about it like she has so OP knows all the details to further the grift.

The only reason I know the details is she has asked me.to help.review her budget to see.if there is anything she's missed.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 29/09/2023 20:27

This supposed having rent of £1300 when you only earn £1700 (a lie to make it sound a bit worse than it is BTW- or maybe she has some debt.) is just daft.

You'd move, wouldn't you? Unless you have a severe intellectual impairment (which 'Jane' doesn't.)

I know some people who live like that and it's because they're too stoned to sort out their life.

I get that it'd be hard to give up her home, but that's what she's going to have to do unless she gets a better job- or choose to carry on living this way.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 20:32

porridgeisbae · 29/09/2023 20:27

This supposed having rent of £1300 when you only earn £1700 (a lie to make it sound a bit worse than it is BTW- or maybe she has some debt.) is just daft.

You'd move, wouldn't you? Unless you have a severe intellectual impairment (which 'Jane' doesn't.)

I know some people who live like that and it's because they're too stoned to sort out their life.

I get that it'd be hard to give up her home, but that's what she's going to have to do unless she gets a better job- or choose to carry on living this way.

Moving costs money, money she may not have. It isn't always that simple.

Pepsipepsi · 29/09/2023 21:08

Can't believe people think it's so easy to get a cheaper house and better paying job just like that. There's literally not enough salaried jobs for every adult to have one! So many are on minimum wage jobs that barely cover rent. If she's from the south east why should she give up her support circle just to get slightly cheaper rent up north??

As long as someone is not taking the piss, the friend is happy to help from their personal spending and not financially straining themselves, then it's no one else business. Also she can post her fun get togethers online without sucking up to her friends if she's done the thanks in private.

I got help from friends when I was younger as I was literally from a dirt poor family and stuck on a zero hour contract. Now I'm in a better position I pay it forward to less fortunate friends (and back to the lender friends by treating them to nice things!)

Christ society would never get better or have any fun if everyone just hoarded their money like a dragon.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2023 21:25

Frankly I couldn't care less and she always sends a thank you note. But apparently she should be making it clear she can only do these things because people pay for her.

Don't know so much about Jane, but based on this and what you've said about him in other posts on the thread, I really don't like the sound of your husband.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/09/2023 21:45

ShooLala · 29/09/2023 16:50

And that was my original point exactly. The portrayal of a fake life paid for by other people. Thank you.

Show quote history

Why is it a fake life? I don’t understand.

I paid for my friend and her dc to go on holiday. If they take photos and post them on FB - normal thing to do - they are not posting about a fake life. They actually had that experience. It’s their real memory to keep forever.

XenoBitch · 29/09/2023 21:49

Your DH is being an arse. Your friend does thank people, just not on FB.

bemorebernard · 29/09/2023 21:58

So your dh doesn't help her in any way but thinks she should be publicly shamed because it would make him feel better?

He sounds like a petty small minded unhappy little man .

Ringdoodledumpling · 29/09/2023 22:09

The problem is that Facebook and all social media is seem as a means to show of what you are doing with your life. Usually to show people how ‘well’ you are doing. So she’s portraying that image.

I don’t think it is ‘thanks’ he expects but it’s a totally false image and considering it’s you, and him, and others like you funding this image I can see how that would be grating.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/09/2023 22:21

Ringdoodledumpling · 29/09/2023 22:09

The problem is that Facebook and all social media is seem as a means to show of what you are doing with your life. Usually to show people how ‘well’ you are doing. So she’s portraying that image.

I don’t think it is ‘thanks’ he expects but it’s a totally false image and considering it’s you, and him, and others like you funding this image I can see how that would be grating.

He isn't contributing a penny to "the image". I find it interesting that he snoops her posts when he doesn't like her.

Whether or not your feed on FB and Instagram etc is full of people bragging or presenting a false image is down to you rather more than that people post - that is how the algorithms work.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 22:40

I think it is none of his business what you do with your friend and your money and he sounds jealous of your friendship and begrudging of her and the fun you both have. You are a good friend and do not let him dictate your friendships as this sounds controlling of him. Him suggesting she should post on facebook about her poverty is awful. Enjoy your friendship and tell him to stop making horrible comments, your money is to do as you wish. Is he a tight arse with money.

Why is he even reading her facebook posts or is he checking up on you.

I know someone a family relative and they always put down every single person that his partner is friends with as he feels more secure when she has not got that many female friends. Just controlling. Enjoy your friendship and tell him nothing in future.