To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

He probably doesn’t want to be the one not working as he knows taking care of the baby whilst on paternity leave, would be much harder than work. Your roles are reversed from mine and my husband’s in terms of earnings, and similar, he pays more in bills but I pay half the mortgage. If he decided to take paternity leave, we’d not manage on my salary, so your husband is being very unreasonable. If his company allows, can he not be the one to take paternity and maybe if he can’t bear the thought of being off full time until baby starts nursery, split it so he’s off two to three times a week and baby’s in nursery 2 or 3 days, that way you’re seeing your baby whilst wfh? If he can’t understand that with the salaries, he’s hiding behind pride and being a little selfish!

I work from home with my baby but my partner revised his hours to be at home half the time or more that I work . Made sense since I earn 65 k ( I reduced to 4 days previously earned teh same as you ) and he earns 22k . Sorry but his wants will have to not be accepted as the reality is you earn considerably more so sacrifices should at least be from both sides .

I'm kind of torn on this. You want to work instead of looking after the baby and your husband wants to work instead of looking after the baby. Is it that you think because you earn more than him your wants trump his? if neither of you want to look after the baby childcare seems the obvious choice.

Exactly this. That's what we did. That's what lots of people do.

I hate the idea of putting my tiny baby in childcare and loved the thought of OH being at home with baby and me getting to spend time with them both between working. It seemed like the best of both worlds.

I'm afraid this is a decision many parents have to make. You can't have your cake and eat it! It would work if your OH actually wanted to stay at home with thr baby, but he deserves the opportunity to work if he would prefer. Imagine the replies if he was a woman and you were a man ... we'd be all up in arms at you!

This is absolutely not true!!!!! With regards to paying maintenance!!! Maybe if you were earning 250,000k!!!! Not on 80k

You cant force him to stay at home with the baby. Moreover he doesnt seem to have an idea what that is like anyway.
Get a nanny and you can still have cuddles with the baby in between work.

Well no wonder your OH doesn't want the promotions, how much does OH have to pay to the ex already? A promotion would probably increase it and OH is avoiding it to spite the ex because you're making enough to support everyone. That being said, it seems you're expecting your third baby, because your OH is clearly a huge baby pretending to be an adult. Do not do another THING around the house that's not for you and the baby specifically and tell OH things need to change.

As a lot of posters have said it sounds like you will need to look toward childcare. However, as former nursery worker I feel I need to say that a nursery is not the place for a three month old baby. The staff will not be able to adequately meet the needs of a baby so small as they will have a room full of other babies to also care for. Nine months plus is much more ideal. I would look into hiring a nanny who is experienced with newborns. Also, I love how passionate you are about your work but recovering from birth and adjusting to motherhood can be a lot to deal with, try not to be too hard on yourself if you do not feel up to returning to work after three months, take your time with things! Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine what happened to your friend? She did leave him in the end?

Sounds like op,s dh has had a go at looking after baby and doesnt like it,

I think because you love your job so much, your oh should stick to what you’d agreed on with you going back to your job and working things around it with him being the flexible one and helping out where he’s needed. I didn’t mind leaving my job and being at home/doing majority of childcare. When maternity leave ended, I knew I didn’t want to leave my son to anyone else. My job, considered fun I guess (tv industry), no longer held a candle to being as close as possible to my baby. If I loved my job as much as you do yours though, I would have gone back to work. I think that might be why some women want to go back to work and some don’t. Some careers are very fulfilling, some not.

Your husband is being selfish imo. He needs to stick to what you discussed.

Surely that depends on the nursery? My DS started nursery at 3 months and he's thrived. His nursery is excellent.

So you'd both rather work than bring up the baby?
Lucky kid.

Well you are both being unreasonable

He isn’t doing enough lifting at home - this is going to get a hundred times worse with a baby, so put a stop to this right now. Really - right now. It’s a massive red flag.

You can’t tell him to stay home if he doesn’t want to. You can tell him to take 3 months after your 3 months so the baby is 6 months when it goes to childcare.

He is being entirely ridiculous thinking anyone can work from home with a baby. So his choice to stay at work comes with the reality you are shelling out for childcare.

If he’s the lower earner he will probably have to pick up more heavy lifting at home, but that is something that will emerge.

Not having shared finances is unfair IMO, so you have the advantage there - though I appreciate having 2 kids from a previous relationship adds complication.

But sort out the uneven division of home labour. It is urgent.

Amazingly, people manage to work and be good parents.

There is more than one way to skin a cat etc.

I admittedly haven't read all of the posts on the thread so not sure if anyone has raised this already, but as long as you have contract with your employer (i.e. not working as a contractor or agency worker), you're entitled to a year of maternity leave. In fact, as long as you had already started your job when you fell pregnant (think you have to have been working 26 weeks by the time you hit week 25 so essentially started the week before your last period), you're also entitled to maternity pay. At the end of that year, they HAVE to give you a job to return to. Check your maternity policy because they may say something like you have an entitlement to return to your current role if you return within X months, but you could be placed in an equivalent job if you return after 12 months. They can't sack you for being pregnant unless of course you're in a genuine redundancy situation or there are poor performance/attendance issues raised before you go off on mat leave - it's grounds for discrimination if they try to sack you because you're taking maternity leave. I think there is even more protection coming in for women on mat leave during redundancy situations.

If you want to take a year off - do it. People manage being out of work and settling back in again just fine all the time, after all, you learnt how to do your job when you started and someone will have to learn while you're on mat leave. You really can't do wfh and looking after a baby though, even if you have got time out during the day - what will you do if baby starts screaming during an important call?
Another thing you'll need to consider is whether the childcare you're after will take on a very young baby if that's the route you want to go - I've come across quite a few nurseries that won't take children under 9m or a year in some cases.

FWIW, I am also about to go on mat leave with my first baby and both me and my partner are not keen to take too long out of work. I'm taking 9m maternity leave then we are both going back part time - both 4 days a week although he works Tues to Sat and I work Mon to Fri so we will both have 2 days each looking after baby then childcare for the remaining days. Could you compromise like that, both go back part time so that the responsibility is shared?
I'd also recommend if you can work somewhere that isn't home on his childcare days, do it. I know my dp is great but after mat leave, I think he'll be too reliant on coming to me with baby questions (where are the bibs? Are we out of nappies? She wants a cuddle with you?) so ill be going into the office, and I suspect your dp might try the same thing...

The OP literally says she'd love to have a year off like most people get to but they can't afford it on just her partner's salary and he has turned down opportunities to earn more. Probably, as a PP said, to avoid having to pay more child maintenance to support the children he already has. What a prince among men.

Your husband needs to step up here. You’re the higher earner and need to prioritise your job.

I'm amazed it took 8 pages.

Check your work policies.
It’ll probably shut down the conversation about working and baby caring simultaneously as most state that can’t be doing childcare at the same time.

Absolutely not. You are right! We are in a similar situation. I am on £130k a year and my partner is on £65k. His job has amazing benefits so we decided while the kids are young he should not move to make most of the flexibility & paternity leave. So when we had babies he always took 6 months off to take care of them and I went back to work after 4 months or so. He is also able to do most of the pick ups & drop offs. He is more than happy to do so and so am i. We split bills by 2 but I find all the house renovations and nice holidays multiple times a year. Works for us and I m thankful he loves spending time with kiddos

If he thinks you can work while looking after a baby, he must be a crap employee and a crap father. Just how uninvolved was he with his existing kids?

It's pretty clear you can't rely on him for anything, so make your motherhood plans based on that reality. I don't think I could hack it, personally.

So you share essential bills but all luxuries are paid by you because you earn more? That doesn't mean you can't afford to take a longer maternity leave but things like holidays, meals out etc would have to go and you would need to save a buffer before ML just like loads of expectant parents.

You can't WFH and look after a baby so your Dh is being totally unrealistic there. Surely the fair thing would be to share parental leave then put your DC in childcare? You both seem totally unprepared for how a child will fit into your life. You shouldn't automatically expect your DH to prioritise your job over his. You can survive on a lower income if at present you share essential bills. I suggest you both decide what you want and the priority should be your DC not your jobs.

So bring an au pair/live in nanny. That will do this for you. And agree you and your DH need to be paying proportionately.