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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect OH to put my job first ?

339 replies

greyA · 28/09/2023 19:49

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

OP posts:
NameChange547 · 29/09/2023 17:33

THIS!

’He pays for this and I pay for that’… what on earth are you talking about? You are a family. In almost all marriages one person earns more than the other. You have a joint household income and out of that you pay bills and each have some money left over as disposable income, ideally the same amount as each other. Any other way of looking at things will lead to so much resentment.

£38k is a very reasonable salary - barely anyone earns £80k. It’s not really reasonable to expect him to match your earnings depending on his industry. In my field of work you basically can’t earn anywhere near that much. It doesn’t mean he isn’t working as hard as you. Your combined household income is £118k - you’re extremely well off. You don’t actually need any more money than that to live a very comfortable life so I’m not really sure what the issue is.

You each need to make your own decision about how much parental leave you’d like to take off and after that the baby goes into childcare. He either wants to take parental leave or he doesn’t. I’m confused why you think he should if he doesn’t want to? You don’t want to take more than 3 months mat leave which is quite unusual so surely you understand the desire not to be home with the baby (you clearly can afford to take more than 3 months with your combined income so if you wanted to take longer, you could).

YABVU

stichguru · 29/09/2023 17:46

You CANNOT work from home and take care of a young baby. Apart from in rare emergencies, at ALL times either at least one of you is NOT working or the baby is in childcare. If you want to both work then put the baby in childcare for as much time as you can afford, the rest of the time one of you is being a stay at home parent and it's probably the lower earner who is doing this.

babyproblems · 29/09/2023 17:51

This isn’t possible. You cannot wfh whilst giving childcare.. you’d end up in a disciplinary. Non negotiable.

You need to address the imbalance, now. This will be hell once you have a baby!!! Your DH doesn’t sound v supportive.. you need external childcare. Don’t end up running yourself into the ground whilst he works 3 days and coasts and you do everything. There’s another thread on trending which is exactly this scenario.
Change your thinking now and aim for absolute equality from now!! If you are going back to work, you get childcare and you both pay for it.

Straightupmom · 29/09/2023 17:54

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/09/2023 19:56

This isn’t what you wrote about, but splitting costs evenly when you earn such different amounts is wrong. I believe costs should be split in proportion to income so of course you should be paying more than your DH.

However, I also believe domestic tasks should be split evenly too. And you absolutely cannot wfh with a small baby without childcare.

This…

he probably scared of losing the little independent money he has. Are you willing to pay everything if he takes shared parental leave and subsequent loss of earnings? If that is the route you choose to go down then he is also liable for the majority of the house chores too…as that’s what’s expected of women in this situation

WoolyMammoth55 · 29/09/2023 17:56

greyA · 28/09/2023 22:09

We may have to do this and I will look at working part time. He was always adamant he wanted to be hands on and would take extended leave. We agreed it made more sense as I earned more and could cover all of our outgoings plus it would mean I’d get to be with baby all day long- work is busy but I’m not chained to a desk all day so there would be plenty of opportunities for cuddles, lunch together etc. He’s now decided he doesn’t want to so I don’t really know what to do ☹️

Hi OP, not sure if you're still reading but on your combined salary you could look at childcare in the home - nanny or childminder 121 with baby in your home and then you can get the break time cuddles and meals with bub like you imagined...

You would likely not do it long-term as it's expensive, your lifestyle will take a hit to fund it - BUT if it covers you from the 3 months you can take to the 1 year mark when you and baby are ready for then to be out of your home and in a nursery/childminder's home setting, then for 9 months of economising it's probably the best solution.

FWIW I do agree that putting a tiny baby into nursery isn't the best option and I think you'd resent your partner if you did this against your better judgement.

Lastly try to stay focused on your partner and being a family - if you lean into the rage too far/bottle everything up and then explode, then you'll end up breaking up and doing it all as a single mum which would probably be shittier for all of you. You chose this man and you chose to try for a baby - remind yourself why! Best of luck with it all x

EezyOozy · 29/09/2023 17:57

Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills )

This is wrong.

dearcleo · 29/09/2023 17:58

Ive got a sort of similar set up but I run my own business and currently make a good bit more than him. We have two very young children (one is a baby) and I’m getting increasingly frustrated at having to pay everything out of my business (and starting to run it into the ground a bit) while I’m struggling to keep up with it due to always having the kids. Even at nights/weekends it’s still like I’m the default parent because there are two of us at home, when really he should take over and let me work 🤦🏼‍♀️ He’s going out to work for such long hours, complaining about his job and not making much at all (not even enough to pay half the bills at this point) but doing nothing about it while I’m holding the fort and spinning a million plates at home 🙄 I feel your pain

scottishGirl · 29/09/2023 17:59

Could you hire a nanny from 3 months? Then you still get to have the lunchtime cuddles etc since he has changed his mind on the paternity leave. Surely on £80k + £38k a year this could be feasible ?

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 18:03

NameChange547 · 29/09/2023 17:33

THIS!

’He pays for this and I pay for that’… what on earth are you talking about? You are a family. In almost all marriages one person earns more than the other. You have a joint household income and out of that you pay bills and each have some money left over as disposable income, ideally the same amount as each other. Any other way of looking at things will lead to so much resentment.

£38k is a very reasonable salary - barely anyone earns £80k. It’s not really reasonable to expect him to match your earnings depending on his industry. In my field of work you basically can’t earn anywhere near that much. It doesn’t mean he isn’t working as hard as you. Your combined household income is £118k - you’re extremely well off. You don’t actually need any more money than that to live a very comfortable life so I’m not really sure what the issue is.

You each need to make your own decision about how much parental leave you’d like to take off and after that the baby goes into childcare. He either wants to take parental leave or he doesn’t. I’m confused why you think he should if he doesn’t want to? You don’t want to take more than 3 months mat leave which is quite unusual so surely you understand the desire not to be home with the baby (you clearly can afford to take more than 3 months with your combined income so if you wanted to take longer, you could).

YABVU

I don't know why people keep saying she can afford to take longer than 3 months if their combined salary is 118k. Their combined salary won't be 118k if she isn't working. It will be 38k. That's why she can't afford to have a year off. Because she is the main breadwinner with a male partner who doesn't want to earn more money but also doesn't want to do anything else to contribute, such as take care of his own child or pick up the hoover occasionally.

FarEast · 29/09/2023 18:03

OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

YANBU.

And the fact that you are the main breadwinner, and he STILL won't take the primary care responsibility s crap.

Many women (or their husbands) do the "Oh my husband earns more, so it makes sense for me to drop my hours & do the childcare" - here in the reverse the man STILL doesn't want to do the bulk of the care.

Sounds like he's a sexist pig in other ways as well. Time for him to get real.

ThereIbledit · 29/09/2023 18:10

For goodness sake please take this as a red flag and whatever you do going forwards, look after number 1.

He thinks his ex had it easy for 5 years doing full time childcare 🚩(and presumably most of the household and mental load because women tend to do that especially as the SAHP).

I will look at working part time. 🚩

Please don't mess with your own earnings and future career. Women who become mothers often do get fucked over financially - be smarter than that.

He was always adamant he wanted to be hands on and would take extended leave. He’s now decided he doesn’t want to 🚩

Red flag city. You got pregnant and planned your life around this scenario, now it's too late to back out, he's handily changed his mind. It's a dick power move.

Did you discuss how he would be financially compensated (including pension contributions) as the lower earner taking extended leave?

I'd put money on him not having topped up his ex wife's pensions while she was at home.

If the higher earner has to take leave (and fuck with her earning potential) they can't afford to live without drastically reducing bills, and he sure as shit won't be topping up her pension, will he.

OP, I would look into childcare and decide if you want to go for nursery or a nanny (latter may suit you better, assuming it is affordable for you). You can present him with two options: He pays 50% for the childcare, or he can of course reconsider being a SAHD. What he can't do is fuck off his responsibility for the child he fathered.

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Lose10kyesterday · 29/09/2023 18:13

He doesn't sound very nice. Do you not think you might be better off on your own, just you and your baby? Let him have joint custody and see how he copes. (He'll hate it.)

Viviennemary · 29/09/2023 18:14

You should have had this discussion before you got pregnant. You both have jobs which are equally important regardless of the salaries. But I don't see why he should take time off to look after a baby if he doesn't want to. It's a recipe for disaster. But he shouldn't have agreed and then changed his mind. You need to look at hiring help.

Mythologies · 29/09/2023 18:16

Really sorry you have landed such a wanker
FFS get a shit hot lawyer and work out how to get shot of this waste of space cocklodger

viques · 29/09/2023 18:20

You can’twfh, look after the baby and do all the domestic tasks.

What you could do is wfh, have a nanny , a cleaner and a partner who pulls their weight.

Is he happy to chip in with the additional costs, and the additional work?

randomuser2019 · 29/09/2023 18:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 18:24

Viviennemary · 29/09/2023 18:14

You should have had this discussion before you got pregnant. You both have jobs which are equally important regardless of the salaries. But I don't see why he should take time off to look after a baby if he doesn't want to. It's a recipe for disaster. But he shouldn't have agreed and then changed his mind. You need to look at hiring help.

They did have this discussion before she got pregnant. He has now changed his mind.

IfYouDontAsk · 29/09/2023 18:25

was very resentful towards his ex that he spent all his time at work and she effectively got 5 years off with the kids

Oh he’s one of those. Doesn’t want to take parental leave to look after his baby but thinks that looking after children is a doss.

OP I really, really hope I’m wrong but his attitude doesn’t bode well.

stealthbanana · 29/09/2023 18:26

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 18:03

I don't know why people keep saying she can afford to take longer than 3 months if their combined salary is 118k. Their combined salary won't be 118k if she isn't working. It will be 38k. That's why she can't afford to have a year off. Because she is the main breadwinner with a male partner who doesn't want to earn more money but also doesn't want to do anything else to contribute, such as take care of his own child or pick up the hoover occasionally.

Show quote history

It’s because the OP has committed the cardinal MN sin of being well paid. There is still a very regressive attitude on here that says that women should only ever work if they need to to prevent abject poverty and should do as little of it as possible when children are involved. OP is greedy and materialistic for not simply cutting her cloth to live in a shed to facilitate being a mother. The existence of a male partner - who in this case is not even doing 50% of the load pre kids - makes not a jot of difference. OP has been accused of financial abuse, of not being cognisant of DHs mental health, of being selfish. Meanwhile OP’s DH has reneged on an agreement they had about childcare arrangements, works PT, does nothing domestically and expresses misogynistic views about his ex (who did play the happy housewife at home). But that’s all fine apparently.

MN is a very very tough place for female breadwinners and well paid women.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/09/2023 18:27

husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them.

Why not? Is he lazy?

HoneyBadgerMom · 29/09/2023 18:29

stealthbanana · 29/09/2023 18:26

It’s because the OP has committed the cardinal MN sin of being well paid. There is still a very regressive attitude on here that says that women should only ever work if they need to to prevent abject poverty and should do as little of it as possible when children are involved. OP is greedy and materialistic for not simply cutting her cloth to live in a shed to facilitate being a mother. The existence of a male partner - who in this case is not even doing 50% of the load pre kids - makes not a jot of difference. OP has been accused of financial abuse, of not being cognisant of DHs mental health, of being selfish. Meanwhile OP’s DH has reneged on an agreement they had about childcare arrangements, works PT, does nothing domestically and expresses misogynistic views about his ex (who did play the happy housewife at home). But that’s all fine apparently.

MN is a very very tough place for female breadwinners and well paid women.

Show quote history

I'm new and while I do like MN, I also get this impression. Women with pin money jobs are fine, but women with actual careers are slammed a bit. I don't understand why.

Gabsssss · 29/09/2023 18:42

Would he change his mind if he got paid paternity leave? Maybe the financial situation scares him. You can ‘donate’ in effect your maternity leave to him so it’s split between two parents. Maybe if you did the first 3 months and he took over from there he may be more on board with it? failing that have you looked into a nanny? That way baby could still be at home :)

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 18:48

Doesn't seem like the OP is coming back which is a shame.

I'd have liked to know how this man behaves with and treats his existing children. Presumably he has to support them financially? Could that be a reason for him not wanting to stay at home?

I'd also love to hear his rationale - he is resentful of his ex being a sahp for 5 years, but when he gets the chance to do the same, he doesn't want to? Why not if his ex had it so good? He should be jumping at the chance!!

I'd get a nanny for a few months @greyA, and if your marriage is to continue Mr Lardy Arse needs to start pulling his weight, starting right now, while you're pregnant.

I can tell you from bitter experience that a lazy man becomes a million times more frustrating when you have a baby to care for too.

Hope it all works out for you.

Jibo · 29/09/2023 18:49

Your DH sounds useless and I wouldn't bet on your marriage lasting whatever you do so it's probably better not to let him become the primary carer. How old is your other DC? Might be worth getting a nanny for both of them and then you can really lean in to your new career, spend more time in the office and continue moving up the ladder and dump DH as soon as possible.

Bunnycat101 · 29/09/2023 18:54

How old are his other children and what is the relationship like! How much maintenance is he paying?

At first many posters (including me) assumed that he was saying things from the nativity of a first time father with no experience of children. Clearly that is not true which pushes it into being more unreasonable that he’s not willing to pay for childcare. Before the baby comes you need to have a very hard think about what he adds to your life. If he already doesn’t do his fair share at home and is shit with money what is he adding?