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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

131 replies

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:34

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 08:40

You can do the DNA tests separately at home and send the results by post in a pre paid envelope.

Its expensive so perhaps you pay for your dc and he pays for his to prove paternity?

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:40

Also sorry this isn’t really an AIBU. Just posting here for traffic and since my last post was on this group.

OP posts:
Antst · 28/09/2023 08:47

This is not about what you or the father want. It's about making the father take responsibility for his child so that the child can have decent opportunities in life and a decent standard of living. The father needs to pay maintenance.

It doesn't matter that you had a one night stand. Everyone knows the potential consequences of sex. The child is here, no one forced anyone to create the child, and now it's time to protect the child's interests by forcing the father to pay up.

Don't meet him anywhere alone. There's absolutely no reason to. He wants to threaten you or worse. Do not meet him alone.

You need to get a legal professional involved. Stop communicating with the father and make it a priority.

caringcarer · 28/09/2023 08:50

Could you speak with your GP and ask the nurse at GP clinic to do.it and pay for it. It doesn't cost a lot. The man does a cheek swab and I think you do blood test.

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 08:50

You should use the official CMS DNA so that the test is accurate and he can't cheat by using a friend's DNA or whatever. I believe it costs £150ish and he gets the money refunded if he's not the father.

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:50

@SmileyClare oh that’s amazing and exactly what I would be comfortable with. Do you know what any of the companies are called?
I was googling last night but all the ones I found just come in one box.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 28/09/2023 08:52

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 08:40

You can do the DNA tests separately at home and send the results by post in a pre paid envelope.

Its expensive so perhaps you pay for your dc and he pays for his to prove paternity?

If he's trying to get out of paying, then there's no point having him send in material unsupervised.

OP you don't say why your official claim failed? Because that would be the most foolproof way of handling the paternity test as well.

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:56

@GrumpyPanda Yes that’s what my sister said as well, that he could just cheat the test so it looks like he’s not the father. Hence why I wanted to do it at a test centre but appears there are none here.
The CMS team said they were unable to trace him.

OP posts:
KimWexlersPonyTail · 28/09/2023 08:57

Is the money you may or may not get worth having this man, pretty much a total stranger in your life and life of your child. What if he claims access, you don't even knos where he lives. He could be controlling what you do with your child for the next 18 years. Sounds like he would do that just because he can.

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:57

@caringcarer i didn’t know you could do this. Thanks, will look into it.

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 28/09/2023 09:00

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 08:40

You can do the DNA tests separately at home and send the results by post in a pre paid envelope.

Its expensive so perhaps you pay for your dc and he pays for his to prove paternity?

If he does it himself he will substitute a friend’s sample to get out of paying

Mrsttcno1 · 28/09/2023 09:03

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 08:50

You should use the official CMS DNA so that the test is accurate and he can't cheat by using a friend's DNA or whatever. I believe it costs £150ish and he gets the money refunded if he's not the father.

100% do this. Considering how he has behaved so far I would not trust him to do the test properly/himself at all. Go via this route and then (I believe) it’s all supervised and sent away, there’s no way of cheating it really.

EyesOnThePies · 28/09/2023 09:04

To be honest, even if he went to the nurse at the GP etc he could send a friend in. No one at my practice would know what I look like.

Hopefully the CMS service asks for photo id such as passport or driving licence?

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 09:09

EyesOnThePies · 28/09/2023 09:00

If he does it himself he will substitute a friend’s sample to get out of paying

Show quote history

Fair point! Mine isn’t the best suggestion then.

To be fair, it doesn’t seem he’s pressuring you to give out your address as he did suggest meeting elsewhere?

Its sensible to be cautious.

Do you think he will want any parental rights once paternity proven?

Worth meeting him to discuss expectations going forwards and if possible establishing some lines of amicable communication.

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 09:11

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 08:50

You should use the official CMS DNA so that the test is accurate and he can't cheat by using a friend's DNA or whatever. I believe it costs £150ish and he gets the money refunded if he's not the father.

yes this would be ideal but I’m not sure how he would agree since he is refusing to give me the details needed for the claim.
Can the father organise the DNA test himself with CMS? I thought the mother had to claim and then the father could ask for a DNA test once contacted.

OP posts:
Tryingmybestadhd · 28/09/2023 09:11

Do you have his full name ? Area he lives , what info do you have ? I’m sure an address can be found without much issues by anyone with access to a few databases( which I’m sure a few have at work ) . If you want to drop me a pm I can see what I can find .
Do not give him your address but you can maybe ask him to pick a clinic and you will both visit it individually?

Namchange1020200 · 28/09/2023 09:11

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-youre-getting-a-test-to-use-in-court

Here is a list of court approved DNA testing companies, that can do a legal DNA test that will ensure the correct person is tested and can be used to prove paternity in court. I believe some can have reps come to each of your homes to take the samples, and you will be given an image of the man who took the test in your report.

Get a DNA test

DNA testing can be used in child maintenance or inheritance disputes, or applications for contact with a child or for a child to settle in the UK

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-dna-test/if-youre-getting-a-test-to-use-in-court

Namchange1020200 · 28/09/2023 09:14

Alternatively you could ask him to contact the CMS service to organise a DNA test.

Passepartoute · 28/09/2023 09:15

It sounds to me as if he wants to control the testing process so that he can fix it to show he's not the father. You need a totally open and transparent process to ensure that isn't possible.

iamwhatiam23 · 28/09/2023 09:19

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 08:50

You should use the official CMS DNA so that the test is accurate and he can't cheat by using a friend's DNA or whatever. I believe it costs £150ish and he gets the money refunded if he's not the father.

I was just going to say exactly this.

NowItsSpring · 28/09/2023 09:20

Mrsttcno1 · 28/09/2023 09:03

100% do this. Considering how he has behaved so far I would not trust him to do the test properly/himself at all. Go via this route and then (I believe) it’s all supervised and sent away, there’s no way of cheating it really.

Show quote history

I would definitely do this. It is supervised and photo ID required. We had separate appointments so no direct contact. Results supported a successful CMS claim.

Namchange1020200 · 28/09/2023 09:24

He won't need your address to organise one through the CMS service, you both contact them separately to discuss your side of it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 28/09/2023 09:24

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this

Well it seems quite obvious to me he's not willing to divulge where he lives and wants to try and prove he's not the father so he can shirk his obligations? As everyone says, you need to go down official channels so he doesn't pull a fast one.

AliceMcK · 28/09/2023 09:32

Given his previous behaviour I highly doubt he’s going to do anything you’d prefer. I would arrange to meet him, publicly, not do the test, just use the meeting to discuss options and hire the PI to follow him, or to track down his address then submit through CMS again. Once you have his address he will then have to request a test via them.

kittensinthekitchen · 28/09/2023 09:34

KimWexlersPonyTail · 28/09/2023 08:57

Is the money you may or may not get worth having this man, pretty much a total stranger in your life and life of your child. What if he claims access, you don't even knos where he lives. He could be controlling what you do with your child for the next 18 years. Sounds like he would do that just because he can.

He is the child's father, and the child deserves to know that.