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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

131 replies

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:34

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

OP posts:
CherryCokeFanatic · 28/09/2023 11:30

Do a tester through the CMS. Tell him to give you his address and he can arrange it through them. They only work with providers who perform court-admissible tests that cannot be cheated. You will each have to find a GP or nurse at a surgery willing to take swabs for you, verify your IDs and post them off. Then you know he has has actually done the swab himself and he will have comfort you have actually taken the child’s.

SauronsArsehole · 28/09/2023 11:31

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 08:40

You can do the DNA tests separately at home and send the results by post in a pre paid envelope.

Its expensive so perhaps you pay for your dc and he pays for his to prove paternity?

However, if not witnessed he could get someone else to do the swap and claim he’s not the father.

the both need to witness each other and the baby being swabbed so no one can do anything fraudulent.

mommatoone · 28/09/2023 11:41

I did ours through cms . We both got a Drs appointment and results through the post. Do it through official channels OP.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 11:42

Yes in light of op’s situation that was not the best advice! It looks like you’ve had some knowledgeable posters with better guidance to follow.

Id certainly take on board the advice to go through the CMS . Your claim is still open for 3 months.

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 11:51

hot2trotter · 28/09/2023 11:27

How does that compare?
Who says you have to trust every person you sleep with? Or are you just trying to slut shame her because she had one night stand?

Show quote history

Because she knows nothing about him!!!
For all anyone knows he could be a wanted persons!!

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 11:59

Thanks everyone for the advice.
I agree with the idea to do testing through CMS or another accredited testing laboratory (because I assume these can’t be cheated since they hold up in court)

I’m still waiting for his response because after he sent me the message saying ‘drop ur address or somewhere we can meet,’ I responded with ‘I’d rather we do it a test centre.’ So when he gets round to replying I’ll just explain that in the same way he doesn’t trust me that our son is his, I also don’t trust him to not cheat the test and therefore we need to do it properly. Considering he clearly doesn’t want to provide tho, I’m not sure he would even be happy with doing it with CMS. But that’s on him, at least he was given the option.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 12:12

You need to supply the CMS with as much info about him as you can.

Im pretty sure he can be ordered by CMS to take a paternity DNA (once they can locate him) and this is a court order (?) he can’t just say he doesn’t want to do it.

confusedmum2023 · 28/09/2023 12:20

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:50

@SmileyClare oh that’s amazing and exactly what I would be comfortable with. Do you know what any of the companies are called?
I was googling last night but all the ones I found just come in one box.

Not sure if someone else has said this but I would be wary of him doing it unsupervised.

confusedmum2023 · 28/09/2023 12:22

Sorry should have read further. Could you order a test and meet but both bring someone for support? Carry it out in front of one another and post off together so you know he hasn’t cheated the test.

scottishcat · 28/09/2023 12:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

heldinadream · 28/09/2023 12:36

@Roses121 whatever you do don't give this man your address or meet him somewhere on your own, I may be bonkers but I've got serious alarm bells ringing about the way he's behaving. I've not read the full thread but just wanted to say that.
Take care of yourself.

saffronsoup · 28/09/2023 12:40

No man should pay CMS or start contact after a one night stand without a DNA test.

Go through the official routes and get the proper DNA test and then you can ask for CMS.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/09/2023 12:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You know nothing of the OP’s situation to be able to say that. And if he is the father of the child he should absolutely be expected to pay maintenance.

Queenoftheuniverseandgalaxy · 28/09/2023 12:47

The audacity and hypocrisy to call someone a hoe when he also had a one night stand

Panaa · 28/09/2023 12:58

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 11:20

Yet she trusted him enough to have sex with 🤣

Show quote history

She was 19. He was 35.
He has since made her very uncomfortable by trying to sneakily take pictures of her when he saw his child.

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 12:59

You are not unreasonable to expect your child's dad to pay.
The fact that he can't be trusted with her address is a totally different matter.
If you are a hoe for having a ONS then so is he. Personally I don't think that you are a hoe but people who say shit like that are often deflecting their own insecurities.
There is no need for him to know your home address.

babyproblems · 28/09/2023 13:03

Do them separately and send by post.
I would organise it completely for him. You both sound quite badly organised tbh. I’d have said something like ‘Hello, DNA test is organised for XX/xx/23, at xxx clinic, here’s the address. I’ll see you there at 10am. If that’s not convenient for you let me know today and I’ll rearrange? Thanks’
and then stick to it. Also I’d definitely do it at a clinic as I’d be concerned if he did it at home alone he might not use his own DNA or something!!!!

Rosiiee · 28/09/2023 13:06

You can do the DNA test through a lawyer. They’ll be able to refer you to an approved laboratory and they check ID before obtaining samples. A test performed that way is valid for court/CMS purposes.

Holly03 · 28/09/2023 13:07

You can do the DNA test through child maintenance. Tell him to update his address with them and they will provide a DNA test. He probably won't want to do this due to the arrears he is building up and the fact that the DNA test is chargeable to him. Also when proven via DNA test with the child maintenance he won't be able the dispute it. I did this with my daughter's dad, found his address and did the DNA test, he knew she was his but didn't want to pay for her. He now has to pay directly every month. The csa will just get you both to book appts at the doctors and the doctors will send out the kits and you will need to go along and get passport size photos of you and your son and it is done pretty quickly. I think I only waited two weeks after the appt for the results. The photos are so men can't send someone else in to pretend to be them to avoid paying csa. Hope this helps

Rosscameasdoody · 28/09/2023 13:08

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 11:51

Because she knows nothing about him!!!
For all anyone knows he could be a wanted persons!!

Show quote history

How is that a reason to allow him to sidestep his responsibilities ?

HannahSays · 28/09/2023 13:09

Hi,
As a mother of a child from a one night stand, I come with no judgement at all. The only difference in our situations is that I dropped my guy home in the morning, so when I did the CM claim, I was able to narrow it down to a specific area. If you know his surname and the area in which he lives, I'd advise going through the proper channels and doing a DNA test this way. He has to pay for it, but if he declines then he still has to pay. Luckily, the father of my child is very reasonable, and I was told I couldn't have children, which is why I kept the baby before anyone judges. But I would submit another claim, or appeal your last one
Do not give him your address and meet him in public if you decide to meet him at all. Good luck!

twostraws · 28/09/2023 13:15

I always thought that the father would be refunded the cost of the paternity test if he did the test through CMS and it turned out not to be his. If this is indeed true, surely he would jump at the chance to test through CMS if he is so certain you are a liar? 🙄

QueenOB · 28/09/2023 13:16

You don't need to know his address I didn't know my daughters dad's address for child maintenance to start a claim they can find that out for you. Obviously the more information you can give them the easier itll be for them to track him down.. or you could play it and tell him you need his address to send him his part of the dna then once he tells you get on to cm and information them. Cm can also arrange the dna test if thats what he wishes no cost on your behalf the father pays and you wouldn't need to see each other at all they'll send you what you need and then same to him both send back and they deal with it and let you know results when back.

Jessforless · 28/09/2023 13:20

I hadn’t thought before how easy it would be to use a friends sample. If they do it in a lab is it totally cheat proof?

instantick · 28/09/2023 13:27

your doing fine without him ignore and get on with your life only interested now the weathers getting cold