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Original poster

Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

131 replies

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:34

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 09:35

Reading the Gov.uk links above it seems the CMS order DNA testing if paternity is denied and tell you which of their approved labs to attend?

What were the reasons for your CMS claim being “unsuccessful “?

It certainly seems you need to be proactive in establishing what needs to be done and organising it on your terms.

Can you contact CMS for advice/ the correct procedure to follow? I’m sure they’ve dealt with many similar situations.

DorisDill · 28/09/2023 09:37

If you want to PM me his name, approximate age, line of work if you know it, and the area you think he lives in/has lived in previously, then I’ll have a quick look for you if you like (have done some PI work in the past, people who use social media of any kind can be much easier to find than you might expect).

Babyroobs · 28/09/2023 09:37

KimWexlersPonyTail · 28/09/2023 08:57

Is the money you may or may not get worth having this man, pretty much a total stranger in your life and life of your child. What if he claims access, you don't even knos where he lives. He could be controlling what you do with your child for the next 18 years. Sounds like he would do that just because he can.

This. You don't even know him well enough to trust him in your home !

Thisisnowmyusername · 28/09/2023 09:39

Tryingmybestadhd · 28/09/2023 09:11

Do you have his full name ? Area he lives , what info do you have ? I’m sure an address can be found without much issues by anyone with access to a few databases( which I’m sure a few have at work ) . If you want to drop me a pm I can see what I can find .
Do not give him your address but you can maybe ask him to pick a clinic and you will both visit it individually?

If mumsnetters with access to databases were to use them for anything other than legitimate business purposes, in my experience, they would be sacked.

MoonShinesBright · 28/09/2023 09:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MNetcurtains · 28/09/2023 09:42

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 08:40

You can do the DNA tests separately at home and send the results by post in a pre paid envelope.

Its expensive so perhaps you pay for your dc and he pays for his to prove paternity?

I'd be wary that he wouldn't submit his own DNA swab tbh. Best to go to a clinic if you can. No idea how that works tho.

Edit: Sorry I hadn't rtht and didn't realise this had been covered my PPs.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 09:42

Actually reading your old post, you have had regular contact with him since your baby was born 2 years ago? You were meeting up every fortnight so he could spend time with you both?

I assumed he was a stranger who you had no relationship with!

Whats changed? Has he stopped all contact since you asked for maintenance?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 28/09/2023 09:49

Is he on LinkedIn? Google? Solicitor can send paperwork to his office. Seek legal advice. Dna tests need to be via court approved companies.

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 09:55

@SmileyClare they sent me a letter saying they were unable to trace him and that they would search again in 3 months before closing the case.
& yes he was having contact with him before all this and we actually got on fine. It was in July when I first asked him for money that his whole persona switched.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 28/09/2023 09:58

If he does do this test properly and its legally confirmed he is the dad - he will then presumably be eligible for visitation rights, shared custody etc?

Milliemoos5 · 28/09/2023 10:00

I had this exact same situation, Albeit 22 years ago now

i managed to locate him (there are sites now like pimeyes and facecheck ID where if u have a pic of him will usually bring up info about him which you can then use to delve further to find him. Alternatively Do you know his full name and what he does for work?)

only use CMS or court approved DNA testing

my sons dad has been a useless father all these years. Claims he’s father of the year but only seen my son maybe 10 days In 22 Years!

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 10:03

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 09:55

@SmileyClare they sent me a letter saying they were unable to trace him and that they would search again in 3 months before closing the case.
& yes he was having contact with him before all this and we actually got on fine. It was in July when I first asked him for money that his whole persona switched.

Ok so things were fairly amicable before you put in a claim?

On the basis that he is now contacting you to chase up DNA testing perhaps he does want this resolved amicably?

I see no reason not to meet him in a public place to have this sorted.
There’s a chance he will want to resume the regular visits for child’s sake?

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 10:16

Tell him to contact the CMS himself you won't be given his address (I don't have my exes on there I can see he submitted a change of address though) he can tell them he is disputing paternity and they will arrange a test he needs photo id I believe

CornishTiger · 28/09/2023 10:25

No dna tests outside of CMS.

When you have contact what happens? Where do you go? Does he travel in a car? I’d hire a private investigator! What do you know about this family member?

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 10:25

On the basis that he is now contacting you to chase up DNA testing perhaps he does want this resolved amicably?

Oh yes, calling her a ho, and implying he's not the father definitely sounds amicable. As does his laughable painting of her as the one delaying the test - when she's been willing to do it for 2 months.

He was fine with playing along til he thought she was going to require some money from him. Now he's realised he'll lose 12% of his salary for 18 years, he's no longer anything approaching amicable. He thought he'd play occasional Disney Dad and keep all his money. That's obvious.
.
Official only DNA test. Sooner the better.

He does not need your address. No fkg way.

I believe he pays for the test if he's proven to be the father. Not sure who pays for it if he's not.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 10:31

Reading between the lines (and in the context of your first thread) I’d guess he was married or still in a relationship with the mother of his other children, and you were an affair?

He was ok with meeting you and his baby in secret on a regular basis.

Making an official claim to CMS will blow this all out into the open so he’s shat himself , stopped contact and tried to prevent the claim happening.

Something has changed if he’s now contacting you and asking for a DNA test?

Be aware he might still be wanting to sabotage the claim though.

FrenchieF · 28/09/2023 10:37

I wouldn’t do anything, don’t give him your address or any personal details.
it is up to him to step up and prove he can be a dad. He’s treating you and your baby terribly. The only way I’d continue the conversation is if he provides a positive dna match through cms.

HellNoBedBug · 28/09/2023 10:39

I’d do it at a witness test centre. I would 100% bet he has his mate round the corner and swabs him so he knows it will come back he’s not the father so he can not pay and fuck off.

GilbertMarkham · 28/09/2023 10:42

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 10:31

Reading between the lines (and in the context of your first thread) I’d guess he was married or still in a relationship with the mother of his other children, and you were an affair?

He was ok with meeting you and his baby in secret on a regular basis.

Making an official claim to CMS will blow this all out into the open so he’s shat himself , stopped contact and tried to prevent the claim happening.

Something has changed if he’s now contacting you and asking for a DNA test?

Be aware he might still be wanting to sabotage the claim though.

If he has other kids, then probably not 12% then.

Thelittleweasel · 28/09/2023 10:52

@Roses121

The main thing - surely - is that whatever system is used it must be 100% that the sample comes from him. Any remote testing could easily be manipulated by - for instance - a friend taking the test which would give the negative result he would desire.

Ladyj84 · 28/09/2023 11:03

Why are you not using the official child maintenance they sort all that, you don't need to speak to each other

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 11:20

Babyroobs · 28/09/2023 09:37

This. You don't even know him well enough to trust him in your home !

Show quote history

Yet she trusted him enough to have sex with 🤣

TerfTalking · 28/09/2023 11:23

Thelittleweasel · 28/09/2023 10:52

@Roses121

The main thing - surely - is that whatever system is used it must be 100% that the sample comes from him. Any remote testing could easily be manipulated by - for instance - a friend taking the test which would give the negative result he would desire.

exactly what I came on to say!

Why on earth would you trust someone like this to do the right thing from home? my first instinct was that he would get a mate to provide the sample.

hot2trotter · 28/09/2023 11:27

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 11:20

Yet she trusted him enough to have sex with 🤣

Show quote history

How does that compare?
Who says you have to trust every person you sleep with? Or are you just trying to slut shame her because she had one night stand?

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