Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

[Roses121]

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

He’ll get his mate to do it, so the baby doesn’t show as his.

Absolutely do this op. Refuse all other DNA tests.

Thus way CMS will get his address for maintenance and he can't cheat the test

No you cant- not for CMS .

I know it’s only repeating what others have said, but your best bet it getting CMS to try and find him, they will contact him saying he has been named as the father of your child, and he is required to pay maintenance but that if he disputes he is the father then he can request a DNA and prove he isn’t and then he won’t have to pay. Obviously it will show he is the child’s father though and then he’ll have to pay for the DNA test too. This is a DNA test that will be done under court conditions requiring photo ID so he won’t be able to send someone else to do it.
Thete is no point you two sorting a DNA between the two of you as you won’t know it’s genuine and then you could go to CMS and he still denies it and you have to do another test through them.
Also, other people have mentioned that him doing the DNA test will then give him ‘rights’ to your child. This is incorrect, as he isn’t on the child’s birth certificate he has no parental responsibility at all. However, he could then apply to be added to the birth certificate which if he’s not really shown much interest is unlikely. But he could do this at any point anyway whether you apply fotr maintenance or not.

@CornishTiger I have tried, nothing comes up. I’ve even managed to find his other child’s mums address on there but for some reason his name is not recognised.

It sounds like he’s given you a false name and you have no address? CMS have very little to go on.

Do you have any information on this guy - a place of work for example.

If he’s now back in contact then try to be firm.

Tell him in no uncertain terms: You need him to send you a photo of his ID (passport/ driving license) in order to book his test and tell him CMS will issue a court order if he doesn’t comply.

Not all strictly true but I don’t see a way forward unless you have his full name at the very least.

Once CMS can establish who he is and his location - (based on the advice here) CMS will do the rest.

@SmileyClare I think so, but why would he have that name on all his social media accounts tho it just doesn’t make sense 🤦🏻‍♀️
I know the area he works but not the specific address.
will definitely be firm with the test tho if he still wants to proceed although the fact that he’s taking days to reply is kinda pissing me off because it’s not something he can request again in a year or so when my son is older and more aware I think it’s a now or never situation tbh.
thank you for your advice.

Contact her and get his address/place of work?

I'd be leaving the kid with family and following him to find out where he works - hire a private detective? You need the money so it's probably worth it in the long run

All you need is to know where he works and then you'll get CMS (plus they'll then have his National insurance number to find him if they change jobs)

Has he a car you can find on DVLA for £3?

Everything @bellarosabella said.

I would honestly think hard about whether you legally want this man to have any rights to your child. I know it must be so hard financially but he sounds trouble. Do you want your child involved with this man? For him or his family to have rights?

Op this is so messy- I feel for you.

Id guess you were used and manipulated by a 35 year old man when you were just a teenager and he’s lied and manipulated you further: messing you around with secret meetings and saying he wants a relationship with your child?

Do CMS have a phone line? They could explain to you what you need to provide and the correct procedure to follow?

It seems clear from the info on this thread that you don’t need to arrange a test. You simply need enough info in this guy for CMS to locate him. They will arrange a test.

Whether you want to pursue this is still unclear. Could you call Womens Aid for advice? They might be able to help you decide what’s best for you and your child and what your rights are here.

This is good advice. Particularly in regards to him not having parental rights if he isn’t named on the birth certificate.

A DNA test proving paternity does not automatically give him parental rights to access.

Nobody says you have to trust every person you sleep with but surely you prioritise your own life over a quick shag ?

make sure he does it correctly he could get someone else to do the test so the submitted DNA isn't his.

Did you ever contact his ex? She may not help you, but she may know what he’s like and have sympathy. Just because he says he pays for and sees his other children, doesn’t necessarily mean he does.

@Namerequired I tried to but the only way of contacting her was Facebook so I sent a message but she’s not read it and it’s been weeks. She was last active a few years ago.
I did manage to find her address because I was trying to figure out if he still lives with her, but I think I’ll scare her if I turn up at her house.

You could send a letter and include your number. I don’t think I would just turn up tbh. Unless you suspect he still lives there, in that case I would be checking it out.

If you have his ex’s (mother of his dc) address then just give that address to CSA as his “last known address”

CSA have a claim open for you and are currently trying to locate him for you. You need to pass all information to them that might assist their investigation.

No body said it was!!

@SmileyClare I think I’ve found him! A post from her Facebook from yearsss ago has her referring to him as a completely different name. So I searched this name in the electoral records and found an address which matches up to the area he told me.
I became a bit obsessive with stalking today, especially since last night he sent me some horrible messages referring to my son as ‘this child’ and saying ‘tbh it’s your problem.’
Going to call child maintenance on Monday and give them this wankers details. 🥂

I hope it works out. Has he replied in regards to getting the dna done officially?

@Roses121 brilliant news. Too work.

@Namerequired He wanted to buy a test kit online so I told him no either we go to a clinic or you do it through CMS and get a refund if he’s not yours.
He ended up getting angry and calling me names again. Said he never wanted our son and that he already has children. The way he was talking about my son pissed me off to a new level saying things like ‘this child isn’t my problem.’ I blocked him. 👋

He was definitely intending getting someone else to take the test then. Surely it’s in everyone’s best interests to have it done officially. I hope cms can contact him now. So did he give you a false name? Or was there a genuine reason for it?

He gave me a false name 🤡
I think the surname is a version of the surname he gave me, just in a different language if that makes sense.
But the first name is completely different so yeah he clearly didn’t want me to find out who he really is.