Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

[Roses121]

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

You need a company like alphabio labs who will come to both of you and take samples and then inform you of the results. He will need to provide his identity via photo ID when he provides a sample so he can't get someone to pretend to be him

Why should she pay for their dc he wants the test he can pay regardless of the price!!

I personally wouldn't trust him and would want to see him doing the test (he could get any1 todo it) so I would meet up in a local park both do the test together and send it off together so you know it hasn't been messed with.

They take a photo of the adult and child so both sides know that the person giving the sample is correct.

Do you want him in your sons life? If you proceed down this road then he is going to get access to your child whether you like it or not

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact

So he’s been having contact with the child for 16 months?

Why can’t you do a DNA test in the same place you meet for contact?

Just make sure you watch him and then post it straight away.

Oops I just read your other thread and see he does have contact although I find it strange how you refuse to let him into your home! He is the father of your child? You allow him contact

btw single parents get extra help at university

also in that salary bracket if he pays for 2 other kids you are looking at roughly £200 a month

I did a DNA test through an online company and it would have been very easy to fake it to say someone isn’t the father, by just having someone else do it.

Obviously you can’t fake it show that someone is the father.

I never has to have the photos taken or any description apart from names.

My husband now had the same thing, he had a one night stand before we got together, she went to csa they did start taking chunks out of his money, he did a dna through csa which he had to go to any gp practice on the list they gave him and take ID so they no his him, he's never seen the child but pays every month.

" I’ll just explain that in the same way he doesn’t trust me that our son is his, I also don’t trust him to not cheat the test and therefore we need to do it properly."

I'd skip this bit - remember you are going to have to deal with him for many years to come. advise above from Babyproblems is good - arrange it, tell him when it is, offer to rearrange if not convenient. And remind him to bring id.

Your claim failed because CMS were not able to trace him? That's bizarre! Surely after having regular contact with him for so long, you were able to provide them with enough details (incl phone number) to find him?

Has he changed his number? You say he's been in touch again recently to chase for the test - is his number the same?

Could it be that the name you know him by is not his real name? It's entirely posisble if, as someone suggested, he's married etc and is desperately trying to prevent his life from imploding.

@GrumpyPanda ”If he's trying to get out of paying, then there's no point having him send in material unsupervised.”

^^ This
I’d assume he’d use a cheek swab on your son but send a completely different one ( one of his mates?) to the lab.
If you’re going to get this done do it supervised— GP, practice nurse etc..

Have you tried electoral roll search to find address? I found my great aunts address and home phone nunber (for my nan) on the 192.com one a few years ago, I think we paid about 14 at the time, maybe slightly more now, but there are other sites you can use too.

I think everytime we have to fill in the register to vote forms in the post, the persons information gets updated, and most people fill them out as there's a warning on it that they have to by law. I wonder if that's something CMS may have already done though.. As they are meant to be good at finding people right? 🤔

If an address search doesn't work out, then I'd get a private investigator to find his address, there are ones that you don't pay unless they find the information you've asked for. Just ask first "what is the full charge if you do find his CORRECT/CURRENT address. I'd get a quote from three different ones to get an idea of the prices they charge.

I don't know their prices, but let's guess and say you spent 300 on finding his address, you'd possibly get that back in your first CMS payment. And every payment there after would be money your son would have never had if you'd not done it. If that makes sense.

I've added a screenshot of one example, but just Google it and you'll see more options come up

While I agree with the sentiment, kids are expensive. Why should the mother have to pay for everything? It takes two to make a baby. As people love to throw at women with unwanted pregnancies, if he didn't want a child then he should have been more careful/not had sex.

I assume that you didn't use a court approved laboratory which is fine for some purposes.

Make sure swabs are collected by a doctor so someone else can’t take it
cms should be able to recommend a few

I dont understand why your claim was unsuccessful if he is the father. I think legally he can be made to give a sample for DNA testing.

No I didn’t and it sounds like OP isn’t going to either.

I would honestly think this through.

I understand that you need the money, but by making him pay and acknowledging, that he's the father, he will also gain rights and privileges.

He might want to see the child on a very regular basis, or he might grow resentful and really get on your nerves, file lawsuits, asking to see the child constantly, but not take proper care of him, take the child to his family, whom you don't know and don't know whether they're safe to be around etc.

You hardly know him and I would ask myself what would be worse, not having the money or having to deal with this guy for 18 years. I doubt that he will just pay and leave you alone, as her sounds kind of weird.

Don't meet him alone and communicate with him through a lawyer so that everything will be documented. I understand he's the father and of course he should pay, but do you want him and all of this madness in your life for the next 18 years? I personally would rather not have the money than someone who is apparently not a great person and doesn't show any interest in the child, but might use him as a pawn in this game, in my life for 18 years.

Are you in the UK?
The cms sgoykd be arranging all of this for you in one of there centres, so he can't de fraud it.
Surely he's a tax payer so his details can be found?
If he disputes it he needs to pay the fee

So OP tell her son about father when he turns 18.

This man sounds potentially dangerous. Op never hid her child from father, allowed father to see the kid, didnt make any demands, doing all the caring for the child alone, but as she is starting university and asked man to offer some help to child, the man in question doubts his paternity, says would leave the country, to avoid paying for the child calls mother greedy, and wants to circumvent the child, he does not contribute towards, not feels responsible for. So OP has no more reason left to expose her child to this selfish and controlling man and ruin his childhood. He sounds abusive.

@bellarosabella I have thought about this actually and it does worry me. But then considering the fact he has other kids and we live about an hour away from each other, I don’t think he would be bothered to have much contact since he won’t have the time/energy.

I have looked into those test centres things but and I like the idea of the message someone suggested about ‘I’ve booked it for x time at x address.’ But when clicking on the sites, I have to pay around £300 for a booking. So if I do that and he doesn’t turn up then what?
or if he does turn up and gets the results that’s he’s the father then it still doesn’t change anything for me and my son because he could still refuse to pay. What I really need is his details for CMS to track him because otherwise I could waste 300 for nothing.

Also, he’s still not replied to my message sent 2 days ago. Lol so much for important 😁

You have his children’s mums name. Can’t you search previous electoral roll records to get his full name?