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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums asking for money

497 replies

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:23

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

OP posts:
marblesthecat · 28/09/2023 07:56

It's stuff like this why I would never, ever join a class Whatsapp group. I don't think my DD's class even has one.

YANBU and I would hate this sort of pressure.

jessycake · 28/09/2023 07:57

Just say no offence but I prefer to stick to gifts or cash in a card , start as you mean to go on .

Zanatdy · 28/09/2023 07:57

no way do kids want money. What’s her plan? To buy a big joint gift from all classmates? I wouldn’t like this either

Blinkingbonkers · 28/09/2023 07:57

The first primary school my eldest attended we used to do this, only if the child was having a whole class b’day party though! It wasn’t a formal arrangement but a parent would say “I believe we’re all invited to X’s party- if anyone wants to put cash in so we can buy someone bigger /special please hand it in to me by this date”. Would then wait to see what the budget was, ask the parents what the child wanted and spend the accrued budget on them - meant they could get a mega Lego set etc if they wanted. There was no pressure and it worked because of that.

Bunnycat101 · 28/09/2023 07:57

It can work really well to do something similar but only for those children invited (and going) to the party and only for those who a) want to and b) where the child wants something bigger.

In reception they tend to love getting loads of presents- it’s part of the fun but that novelty does reduce further up the school. For my eldest so far this year we’ve done group presents or a contribution towards a bigger present. For my daughter we had reception: loads of presents, year 1: mix between individual and a few friends doing a group one, year 2 one bigger present chosen by her friends.

GabriellaMontez · 28/09/2023 08:00

Sounds like a massive scam!

sweatervest · 28/09/2023 08:04

i knew someone who's daughter was in a similar position. so when the parents asked this woman "what does your daughter want for her 5th birthday" the mother said "monsoon vouchers". wtaf. the kid in question is now at university so that was a long time ago but the audacity.

i would also be of the getting a present for the birthday kid group. what five year old wants to look at a bank transfer on a nat west app and think "oooh yay. £120 for my mother to spend in B&M"

CapEBarra · 28/09/2023 08:07

So that means you’re giving a kid money even if your kid isn’t invited to the party? Yeah, I wouldn’t do that. OP, I wouldn’t say anything -I just wouldn’t engage on the chat. The ones that want to do it can (sounds like about 12 out of the class) and everyone else will continue to do their own thing.

AnnieKayTee · 28/09/2023 08:07

We do it in our yr1 class. Only if there's a class party and it's £5 max each. One parent (always different) offers to collect. They get a voucher and card with whatever is collected. Some parents choose to buy a present, especially if their kid is good friends with the party kid. So there's always a mix of a few gifts and then one big voucher.
It's gone down well in our class. I prefer it because I don't actually like to spend more than a fiver and I think it's better than buying tat for the sake of turning up with a gift.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 28/09/2023 08:08

I wouldn’t like this. I bet the other parents not responding feel the same as you. It’s hard when you have multiple positive replies to post with a contrarian post so most people just stay quiet. It’s going to be so expensive and is every child going to get the same amount. Presumably you’ll see the differing amounts which people might not like.

vickylou78 · 28/09/2023 08:11

Don't suppose there's been confusion and they are talking about teachers birthdays?
I agree with you that it is so odd that the children won't be taking gifts to parties they are invited to. I'd be saying that you'd prefer to take a gift to the parties. I bet others are waiting for someone to say the same.

ilovesushi · 28/09/2023 08:16

In agreement with just about everyone else. I think the kids will lose out on learning about showing appreciation to their host by bringing a present. Kids adore getting presents and the whole ritual of unwrapping them. It doesn't matter if what is inside is something really modest. They like getting cash when they are older but reception age kids get a lot of joy from presents.

lucasnorth · 28/09/2023 08:17

Agree this sounds weird. Picking a present is a chance for the invited kids to think about what their friend/classmate might want (some fairly odd choices in our house through the years, but all seemed to go down well!). The focus moves away from the birthday child if kids are just turning up empty handed to a party?

Funkyslippers · 28/09/2023 08:22

I promise this stupid idea will have died out by year 1 or even Spring next year, meaning kids born around then will be missing out. It's totally pointless. So you are expected to donate a set amount for each child and then your child gets the money all back on their birthday! Ridiculous

ClaireandTed · 28/09/2023 08:24

A group of us started doing this but
a) only when the kids reached about nine years old
b) the person organising the collection asks the parent what present the kid would like, buys and wraps it (sometimes it's one large present)
c) anyone who wants to still buy individual presents says so, a handful usually do

It's good because the children now get something they really want and it's really easy for those who don't know what to buy. Since we've been doing it the kids have been really happy.

But it's totally unnecessary for age 4/5 and they really should be buying actual presents with the money collected.

Passepartoute · 28/09/2023 08:24

So what happens when this person's records show that one person isn't giving as much as the others? Or if one child ends up with much less than the others? It's going to be a bit blatant which are the popular kids, isn't it?

ClaireandTed · 28/09/2023 08:24

Also nobody asks for a set amount of money, they can just donate what they want.

ClaireandTed · 28/09/2023 08:26

In our case it's a group of about twelve kids all of whom are good friends etc, nobody would care if someone gave less and nobody takes notice of what the present cost, it's usually roughly the same amount.

TempName247 · 28/09/2023 08:31

I’m the type to have to message first to go against the idea, it will set the ball rolling the other way I’m sure - if you have an ally on the group you could message them to back you up.

I would say something like ‘thanks for the offer but I’m going to stick with presents for now, perhaps cash would be a good idea when they are a bit older’

Funkyslippers · 28/09/2023 08:34

vickylou78 gifts for teachers' birthdays?? Don't tell me that's become a thing too. Wouldn't have had a clue when any of my LO's teacher's birthdays were

LondonLass91 · 28/09/2023 08:36

jessycake · 28/09/2023 07:57

Just say no offence but I prefer to stick to gifts or cash in a card , start as you mean to go on .

Exactly, just say 'lovely idea but I prefer buying a pressie or cash in card'.

I have never heard of such a thing - surely you only get something if going to a party?!? So odd.

Or you could just completely ignore it.

OnLockdown · 28/09/2023 08:43

In my kid's school (not UK) it's the norm to transfer or give €10 to the parents if your kid is invited to a party. Then the parents buy one bigger present which the birthday child opens at the party.

This works quite well and avoids a child getting loads of little stuff, especially if it's a whole class party. It's also easier for the parents of the kids attending I think.

Snowpaw · 28/09/2023 08:43

So weird. And you shouldn't feel bad at all about saying you don't want to get involved. Otherwise it sets a precedent for anything that is suggested on the group chat being taken as golden and agreed by all, in some weird herd mentality.

Little children love presents! And even the "tat" is treasured by them. What we deem as tat, they view as treasured items. Some of my favourite things from childhood were weird small things I got as birthday presents.

user1471538283 · 28/09/2023 08:43

I am a long way past the other side of this and I appreciate times may have changed and not everyone thinks like me but my DS would invite his friends and we never expected a present or money. He just wanted his friends there.

If he had money he really enjoyed it and put it together to buy something he wanted.

His most favorite presents were little selection boxes (they used to be a pound or two) as his birthday is so close to Christmas!

I wouldn't get caught up in this. Tell them you will make your own arrangements. It sounds like a nightmare. I would also be wary that the DM collecting the money then takes all glory and/or the money disappears!

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 28/09/2023 08:45

Seems a bit pointless really. If everyone's giving every kid the same amount of money... you might as well just keep the money and save the bother of transferring it?

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