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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums asking for money

497 replies

Nesquik1 · 27/09/2023 22:23

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 28/09/2023 18:29

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 28/09/2023 17:55

If everyone is invited to all the parties and everyone gives the same amount of money to each child....it's just the same money going around? You might as well agree no one ever gets any?

What's the point?

Exactly this is what I was thinking just couldn't think of how to word it!

Kwasi · 28/09/2023 18:30

There’s a twat mum like that in every school. Whenever they try to do collections in DS’s class (birthdays or teachers’ presents), I just say DS likes to choose presents himself.

WimbyAce · 28/09/2023 18:32

I think you need to nip it in the bud now! I'm sure if someone says something negative then others will agree.

WowOK · 28/09/2023 18:36

I'm grateful that we don't have a WhatsApp group. My daughters pre school had a WhatsApp group. At Christmas and the end of year they did a collection for the teachers and said £20 per child. I actually replied that I didn't think it was appropriate time set an amount ant that people should only give what they are comfortable with. 1 person agreed but everyone else ignored it. They even were commenting on how much they had give. Eg £40 transfered for the twins / I know you said £20 but I've transferred £50. I actually spent more than £20 but chose to buy my own gift mainly because these women were arseholes.

housethatbuiltme · 28/09/2023 18:44

Just ignore and avoid.

Control parents have been doing this for years (since my teen was little at least) and I'm sure it lined their pockets as the gifts/amounts never seemed right for the amount the collected. I cottoned on quick and silly forgetful me, I forgot my purse on the school run ALL THE TIME.

I find it rude to dictate a gift, if I choose to give one I'm perfectly capable of choosing it and giving it myself... no middle man needed.

Iwasafool · 28/09/2023 18:46

So if there are say 30 kids in the class does everyone give £5 for each of £150 and then when it is their child's birthday they get £150?

What if you want to give more to child's best friend or don't want to buy a present for the class bully. Seems really odd to me.

Scottsy200 · 28/09/2023 18:50

She sounds mad, surely people only buy presents if kids have parties not just for all class kids 🙈

Ginandtonic1234 · 28/09/2023 18:50

I’ve got a child in year 7 and one in year 1 and I’ve never heard of this. Kids that age want presents! This is very odd. I don’t really get the point.

Magicmama92 · 28/09/2023 18:53

Personally I'd say that I prefer to do gifts or money myself and give it in a card etc to the birthday person. I wouldn't be entertaining this at all I'm surprised anyone is 🤣 what a odd thing to do. The pressure and entitlement.

Bigbabymomma · 28/09/2023 18:55

That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a while. My son has just started reception and would be really disappointed if he didn't have a pile of presents to open after his party! Where's the fun in cash? 🙄

Basketofbobbins · 28/09/2023 18:56

Looking forward to the update on this next term when either money is going to ‘go astray’, or the mum who volunteered this is going to get fed up of doing it, accuse everyone of not helping, and probably do a flounce.

do keep us posted!

Flightsoffancy · 28/09/2023 18:58

Someone suggested this early on in our class WhatsApp group BUT it's a fiver each, clearly optional and someone different volunteers to collect each time. It seems to work well - from the ones I've collected for and received most people give the fiver. I've never passed on or been given the info about who did or didn't give. We do it all through PayPal. We often do joint parties between three or more children and the thought of all those mostly unwanted presents piling up, not to mention the choosing and wrapping. The collection is better for the environment and for my limited free time! We are still at the stage of whole class parties; I fully expect it to change when they're older and the parties are smaller. Some people do smaller parties already and the fiver is never mentioned - it's only for whole class parties where the invitation goes out on WhatsApp as well. Works for us.

Sunnyeggyp · 28/09/2023 19:03

Helicopter parenting at its best. Why are mums dictating what their own and other DC get for birthdays ? Pathetic and controlling behaviour.

Streamorwatchlive · 28/09/2023 19:15

My daughters pre school had a WhatsApp group. At Christmas and the end of year they did a collection for the teachers and said £20 per child. I actually replied that I didn't think it was appropriate time set an amount ant that people should only give what they are comfortable with. 1 person agreed but everyone else ignored it. They even were commenting on how much they had give. Eg £40 transfered for the twins / I know you said £20 but I've transferred £50. I actually spent more than £20 but chose to buy my own gift mainly because these women were arseholes

gross. When we do teachers collections the class rep just sets up a PayPal and people pay what they wish. No tells each other what they’ve paid, if they have or haven’t etc.

Startyabastard · 28/09/2023 19:19

BeagleMum1 · 28/09/2023 16:10

I reckon the mum suggesting this is having some sort of identity crisis. Perhaps previously they had a high powered job with a team to manage...old habits die hard....she clinging to power by any means necessary. This is a power grab 3 weeks into term. OP, you gonna be the lone wolf or one of the sheeple? She'll only get worse.

SO true.

Storminthesky · 28/09/2023 19:19

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/09/2023 23:30

I’d find that odd.

At DDs school money is given, but it’s done in a piggy bank at the party. Was started a while back and it’s grown and grown. A Mum suggested it because she’d discovered a parent she knew declined a couple of party invite because they couldn’t afford the multiple presents (they weren’t having a party for their own DC).

It’s done really well. Only the adults put money in the bank so the kids have no idea if their mum gave 50p, £20 or nothing. Nobody discusses what they put in either. The kids give their friends the card.

The child then has a bigger amount to buy something good. My Dd refers to the Lego she bought after her party as “my friends present lego”.

One person collecting the money like a party treasurer is weird though

Edited

Where I don't like the idea that has been posted by OP I love the piggy bank idea.

burgundytoday · 28/09/2023 19:20

Sunnyeggyp · 28/09/2023 19:03

Helicopter parenting at its best. Why are mums dictating what their own and other DC get for birthdays ? Pathetic and controlling behaviour.

No I doubt it's helicopter parenting - quite the opposite. I think it's a cash grab haha. Chances are the full amount isn't going to the kid.

Startyabastard · 28/09/2023 19:23

'They even were commenting on how much they had give. Eg £40 transfered for the twins / I know you said £20 but I've transferred £50'
WowOK
This would be just what I thought would happen. Not good.

Startyabastard · 28/09/2023 19:24

There's some sort of power game here and I'd want to show up the twat who made it.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 28/09/2023 19:30

my oldest is 16 now but when she was going to birthday parties when she was little it was a fiver in a card and a box of Maltesers or similar. Most other parents gave the same amount of money if they were giving cash. I would have ignored anyone talking about bank transfers and stuff. It’s so… transactional?

larlypops · 28/09/2023 19:32

Wtf never heard of doing class collections apart from for the teacher at the end of the year, which I prefer.
Unless I’m going to a party why am I giving to 25+ kids birthday, I’d be broke

Waffle78 · 28/09/2023 19:33

And he never will if he doesn't understand what it's for. I remember being about 3 counting my money out my piggy bank. I counted like 10p as 1p and I remember my mum showing me the correct way to count it. But I understood what it was for. I knew I couldn't just take something from a shop.

Even my kids understood from £5 that if they want something in a shop or cafe they need money. And their both severly autistic.

Happytohelp2 · 28/09/2023 19:34

Maybe I’m overly suspicious but I would worry about whether the person collecting the cash was actually passing it all on to the birthday child…

JoinInBetty · 28/09/2023 19:35

It's like birthdays at work, you put a £5 for each one then on your birthday you get the same amount you've put in over the year.
I wouldn't bother giving anything but I'm a tight arse

ginandtonicwithlimes · 28/09/2023 19:35

StaySpicy · 28/09/2023 18:13

No way in hell I'd be paying a random parent £10 two or three times a month with absolutely no way of checking that my money has gone where it's supposed to.

Agreed.