School mums asking for money

[Nesquik1]

Well not quite that but…..on WhatsApp group Someone suggested for birthdays we should not buy any presents but just give cash. I’ve got no issue with that but one of them has now volunteered herself to collect all the money for all birthdays! I don’t know why but I’m finding all this really odd and dictatorship.

If you want to give a present or cash do it but now there’s a list going “I’ve just transferred x amount did you get it?” etc. plus this volunteer is now going to make a list of all the parents names and how much each one giving?! I’m finding it so bloody odd, am I being weird or is this set up weird? The kids are 4/5 surely they want to open presents rather than get money put into mums account.

What would you do? Follow the sheep and transfer money and it’s done or decide yourself for each child whether to buy a gift or give cash?

Sounds a terrible idea. Plus, these reception parties where a whole class is invited fizzle out after a while!

is this public or private ?

This is absolutely bizarre! If my kids are invited to a party I stick a fiver in the card that's it .
Giving money for every birthday is going to get expensive what if there is 7 or 8 birthdays one week? And what if your child doesn't even like the kid who's birthday it is ? It would be a nope from me and I'd have absolutely no problem telling them how odd it is and I wouldn't be taking part

It’s a state school. Village primary.

This is totally weird. My 10 year old literally has 2 friends at school that we might give a present to if there was no party. The others would only give a present if my son was going to a party and then we could put money in the card if we wanted. The ones where we might give a present anyway are close friends where we would know what they might like and I could check ideas with parents if I wanted.

I’m a Reception teacher and parent WhatsApp groups are the bane of my life.

I'm glad that WhatsApp wasn't invented when DD was at primary school.

I reckon the mum suggesting this is having some sort of identity crisis. Perhaps previously they had a high powered job with a team to manage...old habits die hard....she clinging to power by any means necessary. This is a power grab 3 weeks into term. OP, you gonna be the lone wolf or one of the sheeple? She'll only get worse.

Honestly seems a bit weird but I have heard of a trend where it's £5 put in a card so if the whole class are invited to the parties child ends up with a nice lil sum and can go shopping and buy something decent rather than the cheap tat people tend to get for class mates birthdays I think this is a nice idea but sending it in advance to a random volunteer and not just giving directly to the child on their birthday or at the very least the child's parent seems really odd

This sounds very accurate

Nope from me. Kids that age wouldn't know what to do with it. I also wouldn't know what to do with £200-£300 and therefore it would end up in the family pot. And then it's just an exchange of money which means you might as well not bother.

And the awful pressure on people who can't afford to give for every birthday.

I’d send the message @Syndulla wrote above and leave it at that.

If for nothing else, do it for the parents who can’t afford/don’t want to have a party for their child or a whole class party, they will now feel pressurised by this. You can be very certain other parents will follow your lead when they see your message.

This is completely batshit and you won't be the only parent thinking that. It will also get really expensive. As pps have suggested, I'd just reply and say thanks but we'll do our own thing. I imagine others will break cover too

Agree others will be thinking wtf...but most people are very cowardly and don't like to go against a group

Wow this is really weird and awkward as what if some parents can’t afford to plus money is so impersonal! Just don’t reply and when it comes to parties, take a present!

My DCs class have an optional agreement. If you go to the party and want in, you cash/transfer money to the parent of birthday child, and the parent buys a bigger thing/things as a present from all the kids. It's €6, and during COVID it was €3, so the lockdown birthdays didn't miss out. It means the parents have maybe €120-150 and they can get something the child would really like. Ie a bike.

This is the perfect suggestion and you'll prob find others will follow you

It would be a polite no from me. My kids absolutely love opening up a pile of little presents after their parties. Most things only cost £5-10 but it’s the joy of ripping the wrapping paper off each one and when people have put thought into buying something that they know the child is interested in. Utterly impersonal to all just send money.

There is 100% certainty that lots of other parents are not responding to the message as they don’t want to be seen as the only party pooper. If you put a super polite message “Thank you but we prefer to buy presents, so count me out on this please” then you will get a stream of other people saying the same thing.

I can’t believe people think someone offering to do this is a “scammer” or would steal a child’s birthday money! Maybe I’m too trusting but it would not even cross my mind that another parent would do this - and we do have this arrangement at our school. It would be obvious if they did too when the birthday child received no money/significantly less than there should be given how ever many people contributed.

This is so not a big deal - if you like it, opt in, if you don’t, say no thanks. There is nothing wrong with the idea, it doesn’t “ruin the fun of birthdays”, but there is no obligation to do it so decline and move on.

I’d put money on the fact that a lot of the parents in the group chat wish they had the ⚽️ ⚽️ to stand up for themselves and let the organiser know they hate the idea. Secretly wishing someone else will speak up, you should be that person

that would be a hard no from me - what I can afford to give as a birthday gift is my business and no-one elses - there are a LOT of people struggling at the moment and the MINUTE you start listing amounts, you get into a situation where a Mum feels pressured into 'keeping up' - if I invite kids to my childs birthday party its because my child wants them there - they can turn up with a gift, money or nothing at all and they'll be no judgement, its not about the present after all its about celebrating a birthday - and if you were to ask pretty much ANY child (particularly that age group) would they like 1 large presents or lots of small ones, they are very likely to say lots of small ones! This is taking 'parent-zilla' to a whole new level. I'd probably have to say something on the chat though personally just to let other parents know its okay not to feel they can 'donate' anything or at all!

I just re-read the OP's post and note that the kids in question here are four or five. I agree that at that age, kids want a pile of small presents at their party.

I think the problem at the OP's school is it all sounds so regimented and obligatory. At my DS's school (he is now 10) most parents leap at the chance of contributing to a joint gift rather than having to think of something themselves, but it is always made really clear that both are options.

As someone else said, it sounds like someone is a queen bee. I went to private all girls schools and bitchy girls love things like this and take all the credit.

sounds toxic tbh.

up to you, but i'm sure other parents in the group feel the same as you and if you want you could politely just say to whoever that you would rather give a gift/cash in person, would this be ok for now? or send them a private message to seem less personal or controversial etc, just to keep peace between all the parents.

i really hate these things, honestly, so feel for you.

def odd. We do do this for teacher presents - which then go towards vouchers - but not for kids.
For the kids we do give money for the older ones but def don't pool with other parents. At younger ages presents in more appropriate IMO.