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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU made to sit in the back of the car

130 replies

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

OP posts:

Vinvertebrate · 27/09/2023 20:49

It’s the crisp packets and McD’s that would bother me, not sitting in the back per se. He just sounds manky and a bit inconsiderate. Take your own car next time and tell him why?

gamerchick · 27/09/2023 20:50

Take your own next time and tell him why if he asks. Insist on it.

It's fine for his kid to sit in the front, it's not fine to insist you sit in the back of his skip on wheels.

GrumpyPanda · 27/09/2023 20:51

Awful behaviour by your bf. I can just about see it on the way to the beach - kid was already sat there, dad should have made him get in back but awkward for you to make a ruckus at that point - ,but how come you didn't change the configuration on the way back? In particular if you couldn't hear anything. YABU for not speaking up for yourself.

DelurkingAJ · 27/09/2023 20:55

Assuming the child doesn’t get horribly car sick (I cheerfully give up a front seat to DS1 as it significantly reduces the chances of him being sick) then I would have shooed a smaller child out for a larger adult and the deafness would be another reason to do so. But if I hadn’t I would have explained to the other adult!

PixiePirate · 27/09/2023 20:57

I would expect the child to sit in the back for any adult joining the trip.

LightSpeeds · 27/09/2023 20:58

I'd expect to sit in the front (or be told at least why the kid just had to sit in the front).

Original poster

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 21:00

I've never seen the carseat in the front of the car and I think all the stuff in the back was because that's where he usually sits. Yeah I get that about not saying something. It was just one of those situations where I was taken aback and could only think what to say after I was already back home.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/09/2023 21:04

Car seat?

Take your own car but I'd be watching out for further signs of just sheer inconsiderate behaviour. You don't have to have a confrontation. "This isn't working for me" is perfectly fine in a short term relationship

TheDestinationUnknown · 27/09/2023 21:05

MN is usually a bit militant about kids having to give up front seats for adults. Personally I don't get it, it wouldn't bother me at all to sit in the back. The football kit and McDonald's rubbish on the seat that I'm expected to sit on would annoy me though.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 27/09/2023 21:06

It’s inconsiderate that he didn’t clear the back up - what a shit first impression for your daughter.
but if his son always sits in the front with his dad, you aren’t going to get off on a great start turfing him out.
also you should start small when meeting new partners for the first time, go for an ice cream or something, not full day at the beach.
so think you are both unreasonable

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 27/09/2023 21:06

God I hate this hating confrontation thing. It's fine to say something and I'd definitely do so, it was rude.
Either way, next time I'd definitely be taking my own car purely because his is filthy and no way would I want to travel in that.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/09/2023 21:08

Take your own car next time and tell him why?

Yep, this.

Mix56 · 27/09/2023 21:09

Lets give this zero points for effort.
Ditch the idiot

Mitmat · 27/09/2023 21:09

Yeah if he is happy to have you in a dirty, messy car what does that say about his standards in general?

Maybe his son was anxious about sitting next to someone he doesn't know for an hour though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 21:09

I would have said, “oh let’s go in two cars then” once I’d seen the kid wasn’t shifting.

I wouldn’t have expected to be in the back at all. If the kid had some reason why he just had to be in front - like crippling car sickness - Id have expected this to be explained, with an apology.

But in fact I have terrible car sickness so I would have taken my own car if that was the case.

Cosyblankets · 27/09/2023 21:10

Children in the back
Adults in the front.
I'm middle aged but if I'm a passenger and someone of the next generation is also travelling i would automatically get in the back

AvengedQuince · 27/09/2023 21:12

It might have been awkward for two people who don't know each other and with a significant relative age gap to be put in the back together as well. A shorter 'get to know you' get together might have been preferable first. He should have certainly cleaned out the car!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/09/2023 21:14

If the boy usually sits in the back I would have assumed he was feeling anxious about the meet up and had expressed last minute concern about sitting in the back with your daughter. He probably allowed him the front seat to avoid the tantrum on what was considered an important day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2023 21:15

Is his home as disgusting as his car? The whole thing sounds unedifying and I’d feel as you did. How was the rest of the meeting?

Original poster

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 21:16

I dont think he was as he kept turning round to try to talk to my daughter and showed her his phone etc.

OP posts:

Nursemumma92 · 27/09/2023 21:18

Why as an adult can you not sit in the back of his car? I imagine he thought it would be more awkward for the 2 children that have never met each other to be sat together in the back of the car the instant they meet, so he kept you and your daughter in the back and him and his son in the front. I know when I was 8 I wouldn't have felt comfortable being sat next to a 12 year old boy I'd never met before.

The rubbish and dirty clothes are a different matter obviously, that is gross and he should have made the effort to clean it.

Boomboom22 · 27/09/2023 21:18

What next time? He doesn't understand appropriate behaviour for meeting your kids, so his son I above your daughter and you, very bad nessage. Even worse if its a small car and much much worse there is rubbish in it.
Especially bad it seems usually with no guests in the car the kid is in the back but when meeting you in the front? Well off.

Original poster

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 21:19

It might have been. But it definitely wasnt what ran through his head. Hes not that thoughtful or conscientious. I think he probably had something in the back and had to put the son in the front and then didnt swap it back.

OP posts:

HateMyselfToo · 27/09/2023 21:19

Doesn't sound like a great relationship if you refer to him as slow and don't even feel able to say you'd rather sit in the front.
Cut your losses.

HateMyselfToo · 27/09/2023 21:20

And "he's not that thoughtful"

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