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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU made to sit in the back of the car

130 replies

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

OP posts:
NailyDale · 28/09/2023 07:14

Where did everyone sit on the way home?

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2023 07:22

I would just mention this to him. This comes up fairly regularly on MN and honestly I think "adults should not have to sit in the back" is sort of one of those things that some people take as an unspoken rule of etiquette that is very important, and other people just don't think about at all. He might be part of the latter group. I think it's only an issue if, after you've explained you were cramped and uncomfortable in the back and would rather be in the front, he insists his son should get to sit there. If it's just an oversight, I think it's fine.

CoreopsisEverywhere · 28/09/2023 07:33

If there is a next time I would both say something and go in your own car. If you just drive yourself he won’t understand why.

he doesn’t sound very thoughtful or like he has a lot of respect for you. If there was a good reason for his son sitting in the front - travel sickness, anxious about sitting with your daughter- surely he’d warn you beforehand and say ‘Totally understand if you’d rather go in two cars’.

Howlongxxxxx · 28/09/2023 07:49

I see your point OP, I wouldn't of been happy with this either.

I would of said "I get quite car sick sitting in the back" and would of seen what his reply was. If he brushed it off I would of said "I will have to go in my car then".

Do you know if he would of expected to sit in the front if you were driving?

When I've taken my friend out to the beach, she has 2 children and I have 1. I said to her before hand that she would have to sit in the back with her 2 as 3 car seats wouldn't fit in the back together. She was fine with this.

So if your partner gave a reason I would understand. But he didn't. It would actually put me off him.

How did the day go?

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 07:52

In the scenario you describe it makes perfect sense for you and your child to be in the back. He should have cleaned the car up a bit though.

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:01

I would have made him move. All this shows is you aren’t important and that your bf is obsessed with his kid feeling like the king of the castle. Big fat nope from me. I make anyone of the kids I’ve from the front in any car I am getting in, that’s just an adult / kid respect thing!

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:07

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:01

I would have made him move. All this shows is you aren’t important and that your bf is obsessed with his kid feeling like the king of the castle. Big fat nope from me. I make anyone of the kids I’ve from the front in any car I am getting in, that’s just an adult / kid respect thing!

Step 1 in how not to endear yourself to your new boyfriend's child. It is not up to you to 'make' him move. You speak about respect, yet don't seem to understand it. In this situation you speak to your boyfriend, not the child, and let him decide/explain how he feels. If you disagree with how he feels/his actions then you both have to decide if it's going to be an issue going forward.

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:11

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:07

Step 1 in how not to endear yourself to your new boyfriend's child. It is not up to you to 'make' him move. You speak about respect, yet don't seem to understand it. In this situation you speak to your boyfriend, not the child, and let him decide/explain how he feels. If you disagree with how he feels/his actions then you both have to decide if it's going to be an issue going forward.

Show quote history

I would have spoken to my bf first but I also would have spoken to the child ( in my experience they are older but I don’t think OP gives ages - not sure)

really I’d be more concerned that the bf moved the kid into the front and expected me to sit in all the mess created by the kid now occupying the adult seat.

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:13

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:11

I would have spoken to my bf first but I also would have spoken to the child ( in my experience they are older but I don’t think OP gives ages - not sure)

really I’d be more concerned that the bf moved the kid into the front and expected me to sit in all the mess created by the kid now occupying the adult seat.

Show quote history

It really isn't your place to speak to the child at this point in the relationship, no matter their age. You have no right to tell them to move.

Also, the mess could have been from the parent or someone else entirely too, lazy folk often dump rubbish in back seat!

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:16

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:13

It really isn't your place to speak to the child at this point in the relationship, no matter their age. You have no right to tell them to move.

Also, the mess could have been from the parent or someone else entirely too, lazy folk often dump rubbish in back seat!

Edited
Show quote history

Hahaha ok. That would be a great way to become the invisible, the unimportant and the non respected step parent, setting clear boundaries for respect works both ways, it isn’t all about the kids. But sure. Whatever you think.

OP - you deserved more respect.

Shellingbynight · 28/09/2023 08:26

I would have been surprised to be asked to sit at the back too. At the very least it was thoughtless of him not to clean out that area before you sat there.

But you can easily sort this out for the future. I can guarantee it will not have occurred to your boyfriend to consider your hearing loss. I have hearing loss myself and I don't think the reality of it 'computes' with a lot of people. So let him know that if you sit in the back of a car you cannot hear what he says, and need to sit in the front.

If for some reason that is a problem, then as you say, drive yourself - you may as well, because you are 'excluded' from conversation with him anyway.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 28/09/2023 08:43

It's rude for a child to sit in the front over an adult?

I fail to see how that is remotely disrespectful

If you have a chauffer then you sit in the back and that's a sign of status...

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:43

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:16

Hahaha ok. That would be a great way to become the invisible, the unimportant and the non respected step parent, setting clear boundaries for respect works both ways, it isn’t all about the kids. But sure. Whatever you think.

OP - you deserved more respect.

Show quote history

At this point the OP isn't a step parent though, they are the new girlfriend of the child's dad - the person does not have any say over this child, and the child owes them nothing. At this point it is up to the dad to direct how the child behaves, and to deal with any issues which might arise - the new girlfriend needs to direct any issues to the dad first and not the child!
If the relationship progresses to partner then both the child's dad, the child's mother, the new partner, and the child, need to discuss/make clear what 'authority' the new partner may have over the child in certain situations.

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:46

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:43

At this point the OP isn't a step parent though, they are the new girlfriend of the child's dad - the person does not have any say over this child, and the child owes them nothing. At this point it is up to the dad to direct how the child behaves, and to deal with any issues which might arise - the new girlfriend needs to direct any issues to the dad first and not the child!
If the relationship progresses to partner then both the child's dad, the child's mother, the new partner, and the child, need to discuss/make clear what 'authority' the new partner may have over the child in certain situations.

Show quote history

It too late by then. But as I said. Ok.

Jibo · 28/09/2023 08:48

I mean, it makes sense to all go together in one car but he should have left his car at your house and then the 4 of you gone in yours, if yours is bigger and nicer (and cleaner, by the sound of it!).

What happened on the journey back? Surely you didn't also sit in piles of crap all the way home as well?

RandomButtons · 28/09/2023 08:53

Doesn’t really bode well this early in a relationship that he can’t be bothered to do a basic car tidy up for you.

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 28/09/2023 08:56

ASCCM · 28/09/2023 08:46

It too late by then. But as I said. Ok.

Show quote history

I'd say you are trying to impose your 'rules' on someone else's child far too early. Speak to the parent, let them speak to the child if they feel it's necessary.

caringcarer · 28/09/2023 09:00

Shinyandnew1 · 27/09/2023 21:08

Take your own car next time and tell him why?

Yep, this.

Yep. I'd tell him you couldn't hear in the back and felt excluded.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/09/2023 09:03

Yep. I'd tell him you couldn't hear in the back and felt excluded.

I think this highlights why she should have said something at the time, because saying the excluded bit now makes her sound like a martyr, and no doubt he'd be surprised to find out she's scared to raise such minor things. She felt excluded because she didn't speak up so I'd leave that side out of it and not open that can of worms. Just start communicating better from hereonin.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 28/09/2023 09:12

I wonder if it’s also sexism - the ‘girls’ can sit at the back. The ‘boys’ at the front making jokes.

OP, I’d really like for you to put him in the same scenario. Next weekend, you and your daughter pick him and his son up ;)

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 28/09/2023 09:14

To clarify - your daughter sits in the front passenger seat and doesn’t budge.

Make him sit in the back with a bunch of crap :)
Let him see how it feels.

More effective than talking if he is a bit dim, as you say.

arintingly · 28/09/2023 09:21

@Bananabreadandstrawberries but it's entirely possible that he would be absolutely fine with that. At which point the OP hasn't got anywhere.

Rather than play games she just needs to tell him how she feels "I would like to sit in the front please so that I can hear better, thanks!" If that genuinely makes her too anxious, either this just isn't the right relationship for her or she is too anxious to be in any relationship until she had had some therapy

TheDogFosterer · 28/09/2023 10:32

I don't see an issue with adults sitting in the back, it's like some adults see themselves as better than kids and too good for sitting in the back.

I think my daughter at that age, would have preferred to be next to me in the back than with some younger child she didn't know.

I would expect him to have cleaned his car out though.

Atticustheaardvark · 28/09/2023 11:55

Hufflepods · 27/09/2023 21:34

Maybe the kids that barely know each other didn’t want to be lumped together by default in the back. He sat beside his child, you sat beside yours, I don’t see the big deal.

This is how I'd see it too. Although yes, he could have cleared his crap away from back seat!

I wouldn't seat the two kids together in the back of a car for the first meeting, I'd rather be sat with my child too. Fair enough if it was only going to be a one-off encounter for them both, but introducing them gently is probably a good idea if they're both in it for the long run.

If he usually sits in the back as you indicated, the reason above might have been your partner's thought process too.

WombatChocolate · 29/09/2023 07:14

TheDogFosterer · 28/09/2023 10:32

I don't see an issue with adults sitting in the back, it's like some adults see themselves as better than kids and too good for sitting in the back.

I think my daughter at that age, would have preferred to be next to me in the back than with some younger child she didn't know.

I would expect him to have cleaned his car out though.

I don’t think it’s a case of adults or kids being better than each other.

However I do think that it’s right that small children learn something about being considerate and showing respect to adults. And any parent who doesn’t teach that, goes down in my estimation. When I see people on the tube with a small child taking a seat whilst an adult stands, when that child could be put on adults lap, it seems rather inconsiderate. When I go to a friends house for a group thing, if there aren’t enough seats, I really would expect a child to sit on the floor so I could have a seat.

Children are very very often out first. Their thoughts and wishes are considered and life often revolves around them. All fine. However a society that is never willing to respect older people or show children how to do this, is going backwards.

Dont we teach our children to hold doors for people, instead of rushing through? To go slowly for an elderly person, so they don’t feel rushed or bustled? To show respect for a new partner or a visitor?

When we start saying ‘my children are important and should be treated exactly the same as all adults’ it strikes me as adults who actually lack self esteem and need to assert themselves through bigging up their kids’ importance….or who are simply oblivious to normal manners and behaviours. Either way, it’s not attractive or recommending behaviour from the adult.