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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU made to sit in the back of the car

130 replies

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

OP posts:
BetterWithPockets · 27/09/2023 23:03

SkaneTos · 27/09/2023 21:30

"It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17."

You have not sat in the back of a car since you were 17???
You never travel somewhere by car with more than one friend?
You have never gone somewhere in a group of three adults, so someone has to sit in the back?

Of all the things you could ask, this is what you pick up on? And does the answer really matter? The OP’s post is about her relationship not how many years it’s actually been since she sat in the back of a car…

SkaneTos · 27/09/2023 23:07

BetterWithPockets · 27/09/2023 23:03

Of all the things you could ask, this is what you pick up on? And does the answer really matter? The OP’s post is about her relationship not how many years it’s actually been since she sat in the back of a car…

Show quote history

I apologize.
I was just surprised. And everyone else was picking up on everything else.

PickledFox · 27/09/2023 23:07

It depends on whether that’s his sons usual spot or not.

Being a single mum, one of my DCs always sits in the front to help with navigation etc. My DSIS, who we only very occasionally see, gets narky if she has to sit in the back. However, she’s totally and utterly crap with directions etc so no help at all in the front. She started kicking up a fuss about it so now DC deliberately go out and get in the car first before she has the chance to nab the front seat. It’s quite funny seeing her reaction when she realises.

Tourmalines · 27/09/2023 23:09

I would have expected to sit in the front too . I let my MIL sit in the front if she is with us . It’s just courtesy .

sashh · 27/09/2023 23:14

The son probably didn't want to sit with a strange, older girl.

Screamingabdabz · 27/09/2023 23:31

WongWifi · 27/09/2023 22:58

I would have refused to come out of someone honked his horn do that was the first sign of trouble to come. A gentleman would go your door and help you. This guy is just rank. There’s better out there.

Absolutely. Every single step he made was disrespectful and I’d be reevaluating the whole relationship. People, but especially blokes, treat you how you allow them to.

Original poster
Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 23:32

Pinkyhere · 27/09/2023 22:40

I feel a bit sad for you daughter in all this.
I wouldn't have wanted to have sat in the back of dirty/messy car with a random boy I'd never met for over an hour.
It wasn't ok that he didn't clear up for you. But the whole arrangement sounds a bit weird and with no thought to how the kids were coping with meeting and spending the day.
I would feel quite sad if my mother had written that op. And for what it's worth, I met my future step brother at a similar age to your daughter.

What? My daughter has met the bf plenty and was really excited to meet his son, after chatting to him on her switch and facetime. When he didnt sit in the back she put her ear phones in and listened to music.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 27/09/2023 23:39

I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time

Well, in a relationship you have to be able to talk to your partner and tell them how you're feeling!!! So you need to get over your anxiety and do that.

Original poster
Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 23:45

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 27/09/2023 23:39

I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time

Well, in a relationship you have to be able to talk to your partner and tell them how you're feeling!!! So you need to get over your anxiety and do that.

Oh right I'll just flip that switch and do that then.

OP posts:
Happiestonthebeach · 27/09/2023 23:48

I’m desperate to know how the rest of the day went!

PrincessFiorimonde · 28/09/2023 00:23

OP, I'd expect adults to sit in the front of a car and children in the back, especially for a trip of an hour or more - unless of course car sickness or ND mean the 9yo has good reasons to travel in the front seat.

Also, I'm sorry to say your BF doesn't sound very considerate if he couldn't be bothered to clean out the crap from the back of his car - whoever was going to be sitting there.

And he definitely sounds inconsiderate because he didn't take your hearing impairment into account! As he knows you - indeed, you've known each other for 8 months or so - he should surely have thought about this.

A pp also made this point: presumably if you pick him up then he'll sit in the back whilst your daughter sits in the front? Is that the case? Or would he expect to sit in the front of the car, particularly if he's going to be there for more than 10 minutes or so?

Best wishes, OP Flowers

Original poster
Concannon88 · 28/09/2023 00:24

Travel1er · 27/09/2023 22:40

Which massive vw do you have?

Atlas

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 28/09/2023 00:52

@Concannon88 - even if you have anxiety, you can't expect your bf to read your mind. You have to come up with some way to tell him how you feel about things.

If you can't, there's not much point to your relationship. You should be able to talk to your partner 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you can't, maybe he's not the right one for you?

AvengedQuince · 28/09/2023 05:32

Boomboom22 · 27/09/2023 21:22

If his kid is that anxious I'd expect him to warn the op. Plus it's a 12 year old girl and 9 year old boy right not the other way so not intimidating, not that I know any 9 year old boys who still need a car seat and def not 12 year olds!

Considering that the average just turned 9 year old is 132cm, plenty of 9 year olds would be under 135cm and still needing a car seat.

RedHelenB · 28/09/2023 05:59

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 23:45

Oh right I'll just flip that switch and do that then.

Show quote history

Maybe a relationship isn't the best thing for you right now?

Needmorelego · 28/09/2023 06:01

Where did you sit on the journey home - front or back?
Did you say something about it like "You realise I couldn't hear you sat at the back cos of my hearing - can I go in the front on the way home. Plus it's nice to be next to you..."
Or did you just not say anything.

ChChChCherryBomb · 28/09/2023 06:08

This wouldn’t bother me at all, perhaps his DS felt awkward about sitting next to your DD for over an hour, if they don’t really know each other?

What would have pissed me off however, would have been all of the shit on the backseat.

ArcticBells · 28/09/2023 06:38

It shows a total lack of respect for you. I wouldn't be going anywhere with him again.

arintingly · 28/09/2023 06:46

SallyWD · 27/09/2023 22:50

I think I'm clearly in the minority but it really wouldn't bother me to sit in the back. It wouldn't even occur to me that this is an issue. If I saw his child in the front I'd just think "Oh his boy is in the front, I'll go in the back". I hate driving so I'm just always grateful to be driven.
I feel like everyone else takes their position in the car very seriously. My DH gets very annoyed that when he's chauffeuring DD (13) about she sits in the back. He finds it disrespectful. I have no idea why!!

I am with you. I didn't realise how strongly some people felt about this.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would guess the BF is just in the category which just doesn't see this as some massive respect issue.

But if the OP is too anxious to raise any issues in the relationship, it's hard to see how it's going to work out generally

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 06:55

I guess I'll just have to suck it up or go in my own car.

Or just ask him if you can sit in the front next time, especially because you couldn’t hear well.

Honestly OP if you can’t even talk to him about sitting in the car, then this relationship obviously isn’t right for you and you shouldn’t be with him.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 06:57

arintingly · 28/09/2023 06:46

I am with you. I didn't realise how strongly some people felt about this.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would guess the BF is just in the category which just doesn't see this as some massive respect issue.

But if the OP is too anxious to raise any issues in the relationship, it's hard to see how it's going to work out generally

Show quote history

I completely agree.

I would have no issues sitting in the back and would likely choose to in this situation.

The issue here is that OP wasn’t happy but won’t bring it up.

You can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t even talk to your partner.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/09/2023 07:00

*The issue here is that OP wasn’t happy but won’t bring it up.

You can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t even talk to your partner.*

This. It's a communication issue and a very minor one. If you can't bring this up, it doesn't bode well for being able to discuss much more important things and to get your voice heard. Stewing in private while he's completely unaware is ridiculous. Don't make a big deal of it, just say it's about your hearing issues and that you need to sit in the front or to go in your own car. And if you want to go in your own car, then do that, don't get your wants sublimated by his this early on in a relationship. Doesn't show your DD a good model for one thing.

Gypsum5 · 28/09/2023 07:04

My SS used to do that, I’d just open the door & tell him to get in the back. No way was I squashing myself in the back with another adult & his brother.

Children aged 12 years or more, or over 135cm tall, may travel the front, but must wear the seat belt.

Codlingmoths · 28/09/2023 07:04

You do have to be able to talk to him about things for it to be a successful relationship. I feel the same way you do about sitting in the back and that’s without the deaf part, so you should feel doubly pissed off.

how about ‘we will have to drive separately in the future if meeting with kids along, I didn’t enjoy sitting in the back of your car surrounded by rubbish and I can’t hear a word of any conversation.’

SparkleFly · 28/09/2023 07:11

Does his son get car sick? Sitting in the back if you have travel sickness is pretty miserable, I've been there. My mum always used to swap with me as I was so bad.