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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU made to sit in the back of the car

130 replies

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

OP posts:
StorminanDcup · 27/09/2023 21:20

I wouldn’t necessarily raise it now but next time car sharing or going somewhere together comes up just say “ok me and DD will meet you there, I’m not good at travelling in the back seat so I’d prefer to just take my own car”

then that gives him the option of saying sorry he didn’t realise and just ensuring his DS sits in the back next time. OR he can just say ok no worries meet you there.

Avoids any confrontation

Zanatdy · 27/09/2023 21:20

Maybe he thought it would be easier for his child if not sat in the back with a child he’s not met yet.

Boomboom22 · 27/09/2023 21:22

If his kid is that anxious I'd expect him to warn the op. Plus it's a 12 year old girl and 9 year old boy right not the other way so not intimidating, not that I know any 9 year old boys who still need a car seat and def not 12 year olds!

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 21:22

It's hard cos I'm presuming he only sees his son (at most) 50% of the time. So he wants his son to feel important to him and not usurped by a new woman.

Under normal circumstances with mum and dad together, I would expect a child to move in the back for an adult, but I can see why your bf didn't insist on it if he doesn't live with his son all the time.

Also, his son is his priority, not you. Perhaps his son had expressed reservations about meeting you and your child and was nervous. Maybe he didn't want to sit in the back, which I understand.

Mum2jenny · 27/09/2023 21:26

I’d go in my own car in future. However if I were seated in the back seat of a car for any distance, I get car sick. Never good when/if I throw up over the driver. Only has happened around 3 times!

StarDolphins · 27/09/2023 21:27

I’m the odd one out but I think this is ok. First time meeting so I’d be happy for him to sit with his son & you your DD.

Original poster
Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 21:29

No his son lives with him full time and was the one who kept asking to meet me and my daughter. It was first suggested by him for it to be a camping trip with us in one tent and the kids in another.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 27/09/2023 21:30

"It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17."

You have not sat in the back of a car since you were 17???
You never travel somewhere by car with more than one friend?
You have never gone somewhere in a group of three adults, so someone has to sit in the back?

Rareone · 27/09/2023 21:31

i don’t see the problem at all here. I would be offering to sit in the back with my child so their journey for this first meeting with each other wasn’t awkward af. Imagine being 9 and 12 and sitting with a complete stranger for over an hour while your mum and dad made eyes at each other in the front.

LonelyBones · 27/09/2023 21:32

Rude.

He just beeped his horn for you and didnt even knock on your front door? What a rude an awful way to treat you, and a bad example to show his boy on how to treat other people.

Sitting in the pigsty of the back of his car was rank and disrespectful of you. No matter what impression he was trying to make to your daughter, it was a bit shit tbh.

Dump this man. And show your daughter that you, she and other need to be treated with kindness, love and respect by their partners/boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses and not having to be summoned with rude beeping and to sit in shit pit of a back seat surrounded by bigmac boxes and rubbish.

Its not just about what you can put up with, but about your daughter to and what she will learn from seeing how this man treats you. Not ok and not acceptable. Urgh. You can do so much better.

havingmetime · 27/09/2023 21:33

I wonder if he would have put his daughter in the back.
It sounds to me that he put the 2 females in the back and though they being male got to go in the front.

HollieHobbie · 27/09/2023 21:34

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

Sorry, your partner has shown you exactly where you stand in the relationship. His son will always be given preference over you.

It's basic politeness for children to travel in the back when there's 2 adults in the car.

The fact that your man has installed his son in your place is telling. I'd be ending it because I can foresee that if his son ever acted up and you chastised him, your partner would tell you to back off.

Best to cut your losses before you get truly hurt.

Hufflepods · 27/09/2023 21:34

Maybe the kids that barely know each other didn’t want to be lumped together by default in the back. He sat beside his child, you sat beside yours, I don’t see the big deal.

felisha54 · 27/09/2023 21:34

I don't see the issue as the boy was there before you got in. Maybe he was more comfortable meeting you being next to his dad.

If I was picking my dh up, from work or the pub and my dd12 was in the front I wouldn't expect her to get out and in the back. If the situation was reversed I'd get in the back. If we all get in together then dd will sit in the back.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 21:36

Regardless of where his ds usually sits it's basic manners to have the grown ups in the front surely?

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 21:36

HollieHobbie · 27/09/2023 21:34

Sorry, your partner has shown you exactly where you stand in the relationship. His son will always be given preference over you.

It's basic politeness for children to travel in the back when there's 2 adults in the car.

The fact that your man has installed his son in your place is telling. I'd be ending it because I can foresee that if his son ever acted up and you chastised him, your partner would tell you to back off.

Best to cut your losses before you get truly hurt.

Show quote history

You don't have kids do you?

She's been with him 8 months. Of course his own flesh and blood is gonna come first

Hufflepods · 27/09/2023 21:37

Sorry, your partner has shown you exactly where you stand in the relationship. His son will alwaysbe given preference over you.

And the same will be true in reverse for the OP. No one should be putting their new bf/gf above their child.

Olivia199 · 27/09/2023 21:37

Okay so the filthy backseat? Yeah, that'd be something I would have thought he could have sorted.
But sitting in the back? You say it's the first time the kids have met? Maybe his son was feeling a little anxious and wanted to sit up front with his dad rather than being next to the new kid. I know it was him pushing to meet you both but perhaps nerves got the better of him when it'd been such a big deal. Or maybe he was just trying to think of you both and the fact that until you were all out the car and getting to know each other, you'd prefer to sit together for comfort.
He may have overthought the whole thing and tried to accommodate.

Or he may be rude/ignorant/everything else everyone's saying.

Honestly the best option here is to just have an open conversion. See where he was coming from. It may have been from a good place. If he doesn't see the issue then I'd suggest you both drive or you let him know that you'd prefer to sit in the front.

I can't really see this for the malicious thing others are seeing.

HollieHobbie · 27/09/2023 21:40

Sorry but I do indeed have children but no goats. I also have grandchildren (but still no goats)

Children sit in the back of the car when there's two adults! Basic manners!

If you know what good manners are, of course.

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 21:44

HollieHobbie · 27/09/2023 21:40

Sorry but I do indeed have children but no goats. I also have grandchildren (but still no goats)

Children sit in the back of the car when there's two adults! Basic manners!

If you know what good manners are, of course.

Yes I agree under normal circumstances and my kids would vacate the front seat for an adult, because as you state it is basic manners.

However this is a new relationship and the son had never met OP before. I can understand that a child whose parent has a new love interest (and she may well be one of many over the years) might be anxious. I would be reluctant to move my son in preference to a new woman in the bf's shoes.

Ozziedream · 27/09/2023 21:48

It’s manners for the adults (or massive 7 ft teenagers) to sit in the front. If travelling with older family or in-laws I always offer up “my” seat in the front - again just good manners.

GP78 · 27/09/2023 21:49

I just don't understand why you didn't say anything, got in the car and are now complaining on bloody Mumsnet. Yes it was rude, I'd have refused to go and either taken my own car or just cancelled the day 🤷‍♀️

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 22:00

I would have thought if it was the first time you both meeting each others kids and them meeting each other, it would have been better to sit in the back with your child.

I chose to do this when in a similar situation.
I knew it was going to be a bit awkward at first and it would be easier to talk when we got to the destination.

It also meant the kids didn’t have to feel awkward in the back together too, as it’s a pretty big deal meeting your parents new partner and their child.

But if you had an issue with it then you should have just said at the time if you can sit in the front instead.

Original poster
Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 22:06

SkaneTos · 27/09/2023 21:30

"It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17."

You have not sat in the back of a car since you were 17???
You never travel somewhere by car with more than one friend?
You have never gone somewhere in a group of three adults, so someone has to sit in the back?

No I havent.

I dont think its helpful to make presumptions about either of our children, neither of them were anxious or felt awkward, his son is very very outgoing and will walk up to complete strangers and hold a conversation.

But that doesnt mean I think it was malicious. Yes I have referred to him as being slow, which he can be. I was always taught it's more important to be kind than it is clever. So I choose to believe he did it without thinking. And it's also the reason I didnt insist on sitting in the front and also the reason I was chewing it over whether its important to say something.

Some of the people responding really dont know what it's like to suffer from hearing loss. That was the main reason why I was disappointed to be in the back as I couldn't hear anything that was being said in the front. I too was brought up for adults to sit in the front, or on the sofa if there arent enough seats. Weve picked him up from work before and I've told my daughter to jump in the back.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up or go in my own car. Thanks everyone you've been really helpful :)

OP posts:
TheresaBouvey · 27/09/2023 22:13

I’d be bothered about all the stinky stuff, that would have put me off and I’d have just gone in my own car

yij need to stand up for yourself, he could have made a bit more effort (2 minutes to clear the rubbish and remove the stinky kit) . He did not think you were worth those 3 minutes of his time. THAT’s what would have bothered me!