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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU made to sit in the back of the car

130 replies

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:45

So I've been seeing someone for about 8 months, I have a 12 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. On the weekend we had decided to go out to the beach for the day with the children for everyone to meet for the first time. I wanted to go in separate cars and meet at the beach but the bf wanted to pick me up and all go together. I have a massive vw and he has a smaller mazda. Anyway I agreed as I wasnt that fussed. So the day comes and he arrives outside my house and beeped his horn... 😏 so me and my daughter head out the house, hes stood at the boot fiddling around with something and his son is sat in the front of the car. For the first 2 or 3 minutes I thought he was going to tell his son to get in the back of the car, for me to sit in the front, so I didnt make any attempt to get in the back of the car. It hadn't even entered my head as a possibility that I would be sitting in the back, I mean I havent done that since I was about 17. My daughter then asked if we were going so he jumped in the car and it dawned on me about sitting in the back. Well I couldn't believe it, there was a dirty and sweaty football kit, squashed mcdonalds box and loads of broken crisps on the seat and foot well, so it's clearly where his son usually sits.

I'm partially deaf and I struggled to hear anything that was being said in the front of the car, I kept hearing them making jokes and laughing but couldn't join in and it was pretty crap for the 1 and 10 min journey.

I really thought I was the odd one for being a bit put out by it, but when 2 different mates asked how it had gone they were really perplexed and thought it rude that a grown up was sitting in the back. I'm not cross at the bf as he isnt horrible or rude, hes just a bit slow. I know it's his car and his rules regarding his son. I just dont want to ever sit in the back of the car again and have really bad crippling anxiety and hate confrontation and I'm just wondering if I should say something next time or insist I go in my own car or do people think it's fine?

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 27/09/2023 22:13

I think it's okay given they drove over together to pick you up and so with just the 2 of them in the car it makes sense to me for them to be in the front and you and dd to hop in the back.

If you were all leaving from the same house I would expect adults in the front and kids in the back.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2023 22:13

I always thought a child in a child seat should be in the back for safety?

Tangofantastic · 27/09/2023 22:14

I’m that person who lets their kid sit in the front and I imagine it looks awful but here’s the reasons:

  1. he gets carsick and front seat helps that a lot
  2. he has autism and gets really anxious in the car and sitting in the back is horrible for him - he likes to see the road, Check my speedometer 🙄and generally recite the rules of the road to me in a sheldon like manner
if I ask him to let his granny sit in the front he occasionally will but more often than not it causes such an issue I end up apologising for him and my bad parenting to her and she sits In the back which is clean enough but to her “not right” as she’s an adult. I get it, but I try and pick my battles with my son as a meltdown = hours and hours.

i wonder if he thought it would be too much for you 2 to sit up front with your kids forced together in small back seat on your very first outing, and to divide the
car by parent - child
duo felt less intense? The mess for me would be meh- maybe it’s just due a clean, wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me.

im very sympathetic to your hearing loss- my sister
is
deaf in one ear and needs to sit in a specific way and seat to hear everyone but again, in a car situation with I imagine a degree of pressure for it all to go well, if only he knows that he maybe just made a mistake? If he’s amazing apart from this I’d give him the benefit of the doubt ⭐️

superninny101 · 27/09/2023 22:15

I think you really need to consider your difficulties in confronting situations like this. What you actually did was model to your daughter to put up with being treated as a second class citizen (the mess, the back seat etc.). For her sake you need to find a way to show her what is acceptable and what isn't, and how to handle situations like this - especially when dealing with men.

I am also completely astonished that he thought it was a good idea that your opposite sex children, one of who whom is presumably pubescent, should share a tent the first time they met.

Do you really think this one is a keeper?

Takeabreather23 · 27/09/2023 22:16

I thought maybe the son would have felt uncomfortable in the back with a stranger .
I would have said I’m not sitting in that mess , that’s def another story .
Also hadn’t you seen his Car before in 8 mths?
If he’s not considerate why are you with him ! Also you can’t talk to some one your in a relationship with . This all sounds like a hiding to nothing.
When they treat kids like adults you will find more abs more there is no boundaries . And long term if you try to put boundaries in place your partner his son won’t like it or you .

Cheeesus · 27/09/2023 22:17

I would rather sit in the back with my child in that scenario actually.

InvisibleDuck · 27/09/2023 22:22

I'd think it didn't matter who sat in the front or back unless someone (of any age) has a specific need. It's a weird thing to have a hierarchy over. If you really don't like sitting in the back you should have said something, not expected him to guess.

Stinky kit and food packets in the car when he knows he'll be driving you and your daughter is just manky though. I'd be more bothered by that.

CatamaranViper · 27/09/2023 22:23

Cheeesus · 27/09/2023 22:17

I would rather sit in the back with my child in that scenario actually.

Same.

In fact I often sit in the back to chat to DS.

RedHelenB · 27/09/2023 22:23

Mitmat · 27/09/2023 21:09

Yeah if he is happy to have you in a dirty, messy car what does that say about his standards in general?

Maybe his son was anxious about sitting next to someone he doesn't know for an hour though.

This. Different if the dc knew each other more, then I'd expect you to go in the front but for first meetings I can't see why you'd make a fuss.

Thisismeyeah · 27/09/2023 22:28

If you feel you should sit in the front then say. If my child was meeting someone and their meeting was serious (maybe his son was nervous) for the first time id happily sit with them in the back. If the day goes well then insist you sit in the front on the return journey. Make a joke and call shotgun, say you suffer with travel sickness or just be honest and tell them you cant hear properly in the back. Really dont over think it. If I was picking up a friend and thier DD my DD would be in the back, not because she is a child but because I rather sit and chat to the adult in the front and her the child in the back.
Failing that just drive.

aloris · 27/09/2023 22:30

You need to be able to stand up for yourself. It's all very well putting his behavior down to him being a bit slow on the uptake, but if you aren't able to bring yourself to defend your needs, then you're going to get stepped on. "Bob, it's a bit messy back here with Jason's soccer kit and all these food wrappers, maybe we can move Jason to the back." or "Bob, it's a bit messy here and I really don't want to spend the next hour sitting on old food wrappers, I think I'll just follow you in my VW after all."

AuntMarch · 27/09/2023 22:32

I'd have had no issue sitting in the back, but him not clearing out rubbish and dirty kit would really annoy me.

Clafoutie · 27/09/2023 22:32

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable OP, but at the same time, I can’t believe some posters are suggesting you ‘dump’ him because of this. I personally cannot see how that would be grounds for ending a relationship, if it were otherwise going well. It may that he has become so used to the dirt and mess in the car, he no longer really thinks about it, or how it could make someone else feel; similarly the sitting you in the back thing could just be lack of awareness/thought, rather than the deliberately terrible things others are deciding he is doing. I think, if you like him, and would otherwise like to continue the relationship, you should at least ask to talk it over with him, and she’s how he handles that conversation.

WombatChocolate · 27/09/2023 22:33

I agree that children shift to sit in the back when another adult is travelling. Likewise if an older generation person is travelling,the younger adult moved to the back. It’s basic manners. Children need bringing up to expect to move in this situation.

Your BF earns negative points for failing to ask his son to move and for the mess isn’t he back of the car. It is hardly him treating you well and definitely doesn’t send off the right signals about him.

There are always some people who think children should be treated exactly the same as adults or better. Some don’t like the idea of children giving up a seat and sitting on an adult lap so an elderly person can sit on public transport, or moving to the back of the car, or giving up their seat and sitting on the floor if lots of people are visiting the house. These people often do t want to ever give something up themselves either….and it’s all about being selfish rather than trying to out someone else first.

I’d want a boyfriend who thought about these things and was bringing his kids up to do the same. Being o the same wave length is so important. This is a little thing but it would definitely send the wrong message to me.

therealcookiemonster · 27/09/2023 22:33

I'm sorry but if a man is picking me up for a date and the car is dirty (without good reason), sorry but that's game over. can't deal with lack of cleanliness.

Pinkyhere · 27/09/2023 22:40

I feel a bit sad for you daughter in all this.
I wouldn't have wanted to have sat in the back of dirty/messy car with a random boy I'd never met for over an hour.
It wasn't ok that he didn't clear up for you. But the whole arrangement sounds a bit weird and with no thought to how the kids were coping with meeting and spending the day.
I would feel quite sad if my mother had written that op. And for what it's worth, I met my future step brother at a similar age to your daughter.

Travel1er · 27/09/2023 22:40

Which massive vw do you have?

DreamItDoIt · 27/09/2023 22:41

I'm an older poster and I think this is wrong. He is telling his son that he is more important than you. Let's face it there js more space in the front (and less crap). He is bringing up his son to believe women are not as important as men. There was a lack of respect for you here.

However presumably if you pick him up then he'll sit in the back whilst your daughter sits in the front?

No doubt this post will get picked to shreds!

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 27/09/2023 22:41

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 21:36

You don't have kids do you?

She's been with him 8 months. Of course his own flesh and blood is gonna come first

Show quote history

Children do not come first in every single context of life. I agree with pp, if there are 2 adults in the car, then kids go in the back.

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 22:46

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 27/09/2023 22:41

Children do not come first in every single context of life. I agree with pp, if there are 2 adults in the car, then kids go in the back.

Show quote history

I totally agree with you that children do not come first in every area of life.

However, if my relationship with my child's other parent had failed, I would be looking at how to lessen the impact of a new relationship on my child, not rushing to shove my son in the back for a new girlfriend.

SallyWD · 27/09/2023 22:50

I think I'm clearly in the minority but it really wouldn't bother me to sit in the back. It wouldn't even occur to me that this is an issue. If I saw his child in the front I'd just think "Oh his boy is in the front, I'll go in the back". I hate driving so I'm just always grateful to be driven.
I feel like everyone else takes their position in the car very seriously. My DH gets very annoyed that when he's chauffeuring DD (13) about she sits in the back. He finds it disrespectful. I have no idea why!!

AmandasFleckerl · 27/09/2023 22:54

If the two of them came and his DS was already in the seat I wouldn’t expect him to move but for the journey back I would get in the front.

WongWifi · 27/09/2023 22:58

I would have refused to come out of someone honked his horn do that was the first sign of trouble to come. A gentleman would go your door and help you. This guy is just rank. There’s better out there.

user1492757084 · 27/09/2023 22:59

Possibly more comfortable for your daughter and his son for you and your daughter to be in the back.
See what happens next time.
Interesting that you call him unthoughful.
If it happened again I would be surprised and upset.
Though my parents always swapped to all girls in front and all boys in back, or vice versa, whenever they toured with my aunt and uncle.

PonyPatter44 · 27/09/2023 23:01

Do you really want a boyfriend who is dim, inconsiderate and messy? Raise your bar.