Page 10 | Husband wants to go on expeditions

Zebedee999 · 27/09/2023 17:52

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 14:10

It'd be a no from me tbh.

I would however try to compromise and say one trip every 2/3 years or so.

You didn't sign up to be a single mum and I think he's bang out of order waffling on about how unhappy he his that he can't go on expeditions. He's a married man with kids and it's just tough luck in my opinion.

Your compromise idea is great imo. Life is about compromises in my opinion.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/09/2023 17:52

JANEY205 · 27/09/2023 17:49

He’s wildly successful, has actually changed our understanding of the natural world and contributed hugely to society and that is his actual job tho! This is a man wanting to get out of family life by pissing off on a jolly. David A isn’t comparable to a man who wants to piss off on random excursions of no value to anyone else.

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Oh ok, that would have made Mrs A’s life immeasurably easier, coz she couldn’t even fucking moan about it.

So what if it’s not worthy, still shit stuck at home if it’s not what you want.

BubziOwl · 27/09/2023 17:56

He really doesn't sound remotely family oriented, I'm sorry. I suspect that this isn't a set up many people would be happy with, but ultimately it's up to you to decide what you're happy to sacrifice for his passion I guess.

WomanHereHear · 27/09/2023 18:03

Men only really want to do this sort of thing when they think there is zero chance the wife doing the same or similar -going away for weeks on end leaving him to hold the fort at home. When he realises you will be doing the same I doubt he’d be feeling so passionate about it all.

CapEBarra · 27/09/2023 18:04

“Sure, Fred. Which month do you need? Any month except June - I want to climb Sugar Loaf mountain then - but any other one will be fine. Can you check about getting June off first so I can book mine?’

dawngreen · 27/09/2023 18:05

Maybe its a way to cope with the effects of the career he is in. He can work off any stress or anger from his job.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 27/09/2023 18:11

I would tell him that his passion for adventure is less important than being a decent husband and father for the next few years. He already leaves most of the hard work to you as he isn’t around very much due to work.

I’d start preparing for a divorce as he sounds very selfish. You deserve so much better than this.

Lastchancechica · 27/09/2023 18:20

It would be a hard no from me.
I can’t believe he had the audacity to ask you. It must be a very lonely life as it is for you op.

Sallyh87 · 27/09/2023 18:29

This sounds almost like an addiction, it’s dangerous, illogical and is taking him away from your family. He needs therapy not this.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 27/09/2023 18:34

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 14:16

It’s be a no from me. My message: ‘I have put so much energy into supporting your career and you. I’m practically a single mum most of the time and it’s hard. I thought you valued the sacrifices I make for our family, but now I see you take them for granted. This request feels like a slap in the face to be honest. If what you really want is less times with us and to be a stranger to your children and your wife, then it sounds like you want to be a single dad. There is a limit to what you can ask of anyone and you just hit my limit, and also showed me how much you take me for granted. I am feeling very sad and alone tonight.’

This is beautiful

BrawnWild · 27/09/2023 18:35

I'd tell him he made the commitment of children and he owes them his time. This is their time, not his.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2023 18:47

Oh op. I've only read your comments but I'm really sad for you. You can't see it. You can't see what a selfish man this is. Come back when you realise it.

'He wants to be there for our family.' No. No he doesn't. That's just words. If he wanted to be there for your family, he would be.

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2023 19:07

@Jude628 are you happy at all. With any of this.

you deserve a life and happiness as much as he does and you are a partnership and figuring out that together.

he wants everything and leaves you with nothing

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/09/2023 19:23

I don't understand why relationships are always assumed to be antagonistic and combative on MN. Not every woman is abused; not every woman is treated awfully by her partner; not every wife is downtrodden; not every woman is incapable of communicating with her spouse; not every woman is incapable of standing up for herself; not everything is a battle. Perfectly decent relationships come up against issues. Why does everything have to devolve into positioning and grandstanding, with one needing to demonstrate to the other that they must have parity at all times?

If one spouse is fulfilled being at home and the other needs something more for fulfillment, why not find a way to ensure BOTH spouses are happy? This doesn't need to be an argument or a fight. It's a situation that requires a solution. That's all. They both end up in the same place - happy as individuals and therefore as parents and partners. There's no need for name-calling or assuming OP is the poor little wifey left at home holding the babies while big daddy is off white water rafting with his mates.

It's a conversation that needs to be had, sensibly and respectfully on both sides. If my husband ever said to me (as I have said to him many, many times since our children were born) that he felt as though he'd lost a part of himself since our first child was born, I'd be devastated for him. As he was for me. And I'd support him in finding what it was he needed - as he did for me. And I'd help him achieve his goals - as he did for me. Maybe his would cost more money; so be it. Maybe his would take longer; so be it. It wouldn't be a partnership if I were parsing out days off and pounds spent. If I'd wanted to marry a mirror image of me, I would have done so. Instead I chose this man for all the things he is (and isn't!). I'd like to assume the same goes for the OP.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/09/2023 19:32

"... I love adventure (nothing too dangerous) but can easily put it to one side but it’s not that simple for an adrenaline junky."

So you are acknowledging that he is an adrenaline junkie. Well there is one thing common to all junkies, regardless of their particular drug, and that is that they accommodate to that drug. Their body gets used to it, it no longer has the same effect that it once had, and so - the junkie ups the dose. And ups it. And ups it. Until the dose is an overdose. Your husband won't die of adrenaline the same way someone dies of heroin. He will die chasing the adrenaline. It won't be enough, to row an ocean - he'll have to chase a world record time for it, or a world record speed for it or whatever will make the expedition hard enough to up the dose. And eventually he will put his life at risk, because it's not enough to climb KS, he'll have to climb it solo, without oxygen, using 19th century clothing and equipment.

That's fine for a single adult, but it's really, really not fine for a parent.

i have to add that he is a very caring husband and father and very present when he is home."
And how often is that? On what sort of a schedule? Home for 6 months of the year? Three? Two? One? Month on, month off? How often is he home, and for how long?

"I often hear about wives being their partners biggest supporter and I want to be that person too and not hold him back because life is short but also I have to say how I feel."
Why do you want to be 'that person'? Serious question. What attracts you to a life of putting yourself's and your children's needs second to his wishes? Were you brought up to be a people pleaser? Are you chronically shy with no self-confidence and regard him as a shield to hide yourself behind? Does being 'that person' garner you social status? I really would like to understand WHY you want to be 'that person'.

And how about husbands being their wives biggest supporter? Or is he too self-important to even consider that?

"I just want to add that he does want to there for our kids, he doesn’t want to miss out, he loves taking them on appropriate adventures but his passion is high adrenaline adventures."
Take out the emotive language, and that statement translates into -

Chasing adrenaline highs is of a higher priority to him than spending time with his children.

Think about it, OP. Think about it long and hard.

TheMurderousGoose · 27/09/2023 19:37

This thread reminds me of the song Cat's in the Cradle narrated by a man who's always too busy to spend time with his son, and then the last verse is the dad as an older man trying to spend time with his adult son and the son tells him 'sorry, dad, I'm too busy'. No bond was ever built between them as the dad was too busy with his own life.

If your husband is away for long stints with the army and then away on two month adventure sprees he'll end up being more of an uncle figure in his kids' lives rather than a father.

TrashedSofa · 27/09/2023 19:40

Jude628 · 27/09/2023 14:12

Yes he did do a few big expeditions before kids and I guess he thought either the drive wouldn’t be there after kids or that he could do both because some people do that he looks up to…

He thought he could do both because some other people do it equals he assumed in advance that you'd be fine having the DC while he fucked off, but didn't bother to mention that.

wheresthatcat · 27/09/2023 19:46

Raincloudsonasunnyday - totally agree.

OP, I have similar husband. If I listed the stuff he has done over the years, most people on here would be screaming LTB. I'm exhausted even thinking about it. But this is how he is. Some people are like this and there is not a lot you can do, tbh. People take pleasure / relaxation / inspiration in different ways. I'm not in some kind of weird competition with my husband as the things he does would be my worst nightmare. So I just let him get in with it. I'm happy in my life doing my own things, I don't need to be doing Arctic expeditions, scaling cliff faces or marathons in the Sahara or racing cars or cycling around the world thanks. I'll just go for a wander down the Thames, get a coffee, enjoy the kids and the cats, that sort of thing.

How long is he proposing to be away and how often? It's not just the time away, it's also the worry, in case there's an accident. I do find these kind of people quite self-centred, in many ways. I wonder what they're trying to prove and to who?

But anyway, as I say, some people are like this and they don't change. Maybe he could just do one big thing a year and then step it up as the kids get older? Do some other things closer to home if he must. That's a reasonable compromise?

Letitgonowgr · 27/09/2023 19:48

Wow! I’d be really upset if my husband did this. Everyone wants to do fun stuff away from their kids but he has a responsibility!

Lavender14 · 27/09/2023 19:55

I think it's great op that you're feeling happy and fulfilled in life and don't have the same drive towards hobbies and interests in the way he does.

What I would say is that often for people who serve in the forces there can be an element of accrued trauma through their experiences. And sometimes people who have a level of trauma can feel drawn to risk taking or high adrenaline situations because in that moment, the adrenaline they feel matches their environment and the world makes sense. Obviously that might not be the case for your dh but it could be part of what's driving it.

I'd be wary, expeditions like that don't just materialise, there's a huge amount of preparation and training and planning that goes in behind the scenes so while I think it's fair for you to suggest he does this every few years, I think it's important to be sure that you're both clear on the entire picture and what it will entail. I think you're amazing and you're doing a lot by yourself and tbh a bit of me wonders if you had the luxury of more support and time to yourself would you find other passions? At the moment it sounds like between running a business and raising your family you don't really have the time to even entertain the idea. I'd be trying to talk to your dh about how some more time can be carved out for you as well, because that doesn't make you selfish or unsupportive. It gives you balance and resilience so you can be the best version of yourself to give to your family.

The other thing that worries me, although given his career it's maybe something you feel more used to dealing with, but if he had an accident or was hurt God forbid, what would the impact of that be on your family. Obviously noone should avoid doing things out of fear but I know since having kids I'm more cautious than I used to be because I know that if something happens to me that will have a big impact on them. In that respect I personally would feel like it's a big ask but that comes down to your personal tolerances.

I think he is asking a lot when you've such a young family. Even if they were up a bit I think it would be easier on you as your kids would have that little bit more independence. I'm not saying to need to wait to 18, but even 5 years would make a big difference for you and the kids. But I do understand him wanting to do these things when he's young.

FOJN · 27/09/2023 20:08

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/09/2023 19:23

I don't understand why relationships are always assumed to be antagonistic and combative on MN. Not every woman is abused; not every woman is treated awfully by her partner; not every wife is downtrodden; not every woman is incapable of communicating with her spouse; not every woman is incapable of standing up for herself; not everything is a battle. Perfectly decent relationships come up against issues. Why does everything have to devolve into positioning and grandstanding, with one needing to demonstrate to the other that they must have parity at all times?

If one spouse is fulfilled being at home and the other needs something more for fulfillment, why not find a way to ensure BOTH spouses are happy? This doesn't need to be an argument or a fight. It's a situation that requires a solution. That's all. They both end up in the same place - happy as individuals and therefore as parents and partners. There's no need for name-calling or assuming OP is the poor little wifey left at home holding the babies while big daddy is off white water rafting with his mates.

It's a conversation that needs to be had, sensibly and respectfully on both sides. If my husband ever said to me (as I have said to him many, many times since our children were born) that he felt as though he'd lost a part of himself since our first child was born, I'd be devastated for him. As he was for me. And I'd support him in finding what it was he needed - as he did for me. And I'd help him achieve his goals - as he did for me. Maybe his would cost more money; so be it. Maybe his would take longer; so be it. It wouldn't be a partnership if I were parsing out days off and pounds spent. If I'd wanted to marry a mirror image of me, I would have done so. Instead I chose this man for all the things he is (and isn't!). I'd like to assume the same goes for the OP.

That all sounds very lovely and grown up but what about the children?

I suspect most people would think it was up to the OP to set her own boundaries if it was just her and her husband but he is already away quite a lot of the time for work.

Does he get to pursue his passion at the expense of time with his children? The kind of expeditions he's talking about could be one or two months long plus all the training time beforehand. And there is always the risk he might not come back. Responsibility to his children must be a consideration.

The letter he sent to OP is incredibly emotionally manipulative, he didn't even have to courtesy to discuss it face to face. This is not just about a man who enjoys adventure.

PaminaMozart · 27/09/2023 20:54

@Jude628 - how does he fund these expeditions? I expect this is a hugely expensive hobby.

What life and disability insurance is in place? The risk of permanent disability or death must be pretty high...

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/09/2023 21:01

FOJN · 27/09/2023 20:08

That all sounds very lovely and grown up but what about the children?

I suspect most people would think it was up to the OP to set her own boundaries if it was just her and her husband but he is already away quite a lot of the time for work.

Does he get to pursue his passion at the expense of time with his children? The kind of expeditions he's talking about could be one or two months long plus all the training time beforehand. And there is always the risk he might not come back. Responsibility to his children must be a consideration.

The letter he sent to OP is incredibly emotionally manipulative, he didn't even have to courtesy to discuss it face to face. This is not just about a man who enjoys adventure.

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What about the children? A temporary (in the sense of months) absence makes no difference to such young children. It’s not weddings and graduations or major surgery etc being missed. Do we say this of children of widowed, divorced, separated fathers, permanently without fathers? The children sound loved and wanted - this isn’t incompatible with being a fulfilled adult.

Undertaking risky expeditions is a separate question which absolutely MUST be jointly agreed on.

TheMurderousGoose · 27/09/2023 21:04

a months long absence of a parent makes no difference to a 3 year old?

FOJN · 27/09/2023 21:09

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 27/09/2023 21:01

What about the children? A temporary (in the sense of months) absence makes no difference to such young children. It’s not weddings and graduations or major surgery etc being missed. Do we say this of children of widowed, divorced, separated fathers, permanently without fathers? The children sound loved and wanted - this isn’t incompatible with being a fulfilled adult.

Undertaking risky expeditions is a separate question which absolutely MUST be jointly agreed on.

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My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

This is the OP. If her husband was at home most of the time and he wanted to plan a one off, chance of a lifetime expedition then you would have a point with your "temporary absence" point but that is not what is happening here.