Husband wants to go on expeditions

[Jude628]

Hi,

My husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from our family (3 year old and 10 month old). My mother in law is 4 hours away and rest of family is a flight away so I don’t have any help day to day and that’s fine- I manage (not always thriving but it is what it is and love being a mother and support his career).

However, my husband recently wrote me a letter telling me he has not been truly happy since our eldest arrives as he feels like he can’t follow his passion- going on expeditions eg rowing oceans, climbing risky mountains like Everest and K2- things that take a month or two at least to complete. He is asking permission to do these things…on top of his job, and spend more time away from us and I don’t know what to do! I want him to be happy but I also don’t want to agree to being a single parent 80% of the time.

Any advice please?

I can believe that he has no intention of leaving the marriage, it’s just a case that he sees himself as the main character in the family with wife and kids there as pleasant diversion for when he’s on a break from army and adventuring.

Great adventures, trip of a lifetime etc - okay, but it seems selfish to be expecting to do that AND have 2 children under 3 (when your wife also works and has little support). Maybe he isn't truly happy. Maybe he needs to be just reasonably happy for now? I understand that he gets lots of stimulation and satisfaction from the trips, and maybe family life is quite mundane. Anyway, I think that you should dream yourself as to what you want and need in an absolutely ideal world just for you. And I think every two years sounds very frequent for this scale of trip. I'd ask him to start planning one now for when your eldest is in school (2 years). If he did them every 4 years he could have something to be working towards all the time (and you'll be able to have time for something for you as well). Then you can budget for it and plan for it together and have it bring you together.

Sounds like the married bachelor type!

I am not sure he should have had kids and if I were you I would be unhappy if he spends a lot of time away for work and then loads for his hobbies. I think a compromise is shorter trips occasionally until they are older. You seem to have sacrificed a lot and he still seems to think he is single and childless. He has responsibilities now. No one is saying he shouldn't have some leisure time but long expeditions take weeks not a few days.

If this is a sticking point you may be better off with someone who wants a family.

Should add dc are now adults and even though we all live under the same roof they have very little interaction with their father.

I remember dd when she was around 8 years old asking me where daddy was one day. She hadn’t noticed he had been gone for 2 weeks.

I agree with the person above who said he can have 2 out of 3: armed forces, expeditions, be a decent parent and spouse. If he wants to go on expeditions, maybe you can accept that, but not if he's also in the armed forces and therefore out of the country most of the time.

One factor you will need to consider is that his ability to do extreme adventures will not last forever. At some point, he will be physically past the point where it's safe for him to do that. And he is probably also aware of this, so that may be part of his urgency to do it now. So I think you have to weigh, what is fair to you, to him, to the children.

However, also keep in mind that the "need" to do hobbies (and this is a hobby, even if it's a really intense hobby) is a bottomless pit. You could give him the space to go on an adventure every other year, at great cost to yourself emotionally and financially and it could impact your own career and health to be "breakless" for all that time, and he could STILL look back at age 55 and say "I wish I had done more adventures."

Is there a way you can use his adventures as a way to do family things? Like could you homeschool for two months and go stay in Nepal while he trains for Everest?

Also, if he's going to do these things, then there should be a financial plan in case he dies on those expeditions. Are the funds going to come out of family money and how is he going to mitigate the impact on his children?

I would add, and I speak with some experience as my dh got his adrenaline rush from work, that eventually they become irrelevant to family life. It’s easy now the dc don’t really have opinions and they live in the present . The saddest times for me were not when the dc asked why Daddy wasn’t at the school play/concert/match it was when they stopped asking . The worst was when ds3 drew a picture of ‘his family’ at school and forgot Daddy.

Teenagers are not always ready for quality time when Daddy happens to be home; they might have homework, prefer to see a friend, watch a favourite programme, sports practice or generally just be in a grump.

mine are adults now, they love dh to bits but they wouldn’t call him with a problem or a worry. They know he works hard and they know he loves them but he doesn’t know them the way I do, dh was always going to spend more time after the next trip or after the next deal but by then they had lost interest or they had just developed, he was always one step behind. It’s a cliche but time really does slip through your fingers , once lost never regained. I wish I had challenged dh more and not pandered to his ‘passion’

I agree that compromise is needed. This is the man you married - he was in the forces when you met and he was into these big expeditions too. So you knew that this was him - the long absences and all. And being in the forces isn't a jolly - when you're off on deployment it's really full on - there is very little downtim, a lot of really claustrophobic communal living, sleep deprivation, discomfort and long hours. And while it's brutal being left home alone with the kids it's not like he's kicking back and drinking rum punch on the beach. So just because he's off on deployment as part of his job, I don't think that should count against him.

As for the expeditions - if this was my DH I think we'd have to agree some reasonable timetable for this kind of thing and once every 2-3 years seems reasonable to me. You say he won't leave the family over this, but as someone who's been married almost 20 years I can tell you this: it gets more important as time goes on that you get to be yourself sometimes and do what you want. A lot of parents carve out this kind of time in the working week or as a part of their holidays together as a family - they run, they cycle, they play tennis or snooker or go climbing or skiing or scuba diving or whatever it is that gives them that sense of freedom and joy from the daily toil. But for some people that's not what really gets their adrenaline pumping - and your DH is one of those people. If you want to have a long and happy life together I think you're going to have to find some way to accommodate this passion of his - at least every now and again. And I hope that when you figure out what your passion is, he returns the favour.

I was going to say similar, ask him to outline how it's going to work. He's asking you to allow him, and then if it doesn't work it's going to be your fault for allowing it. So also ask him - I can see from your letter how you feel this will be important for your happiness and wellbeing. As a husband and father I'd like to also understand how you see this working in terms of the happiness and wellbeing of your wife and children. And don't make it easy for him, let him propose it. And if he says ' well they'll have a father who isn't miserable' say that's not what you're asking. You're asking how this plan can work in terms of ensuring everyone in the family has their own happiness and wellbeing needs taken care of.

The other thing is that you will naturally grow apart whatever he does when he is actually there.

DH is nowhere near as bad as this but when DS was younger he had a vast number of hiking weekends with various friends. Fast forward to DS being on the cusp of leaving home, I have my weekends and holidays arranged with my own friends, DS is too grown up to want to go away with us and his hiking friends have fallen by the wayside for various reasons.

I don't feel at all guilty going away without him, because he was perfectly happy to go away and leave me looking after a younger DC so many times.

Perhaps you need to sit him down and, instead of putting on a smile and trying to make the best of everything, tell him what you need to make you happy. Do you know? So many women don't. He seems to be prioritising his own happiness above that of three other people and that doesn't sound like the way a decent man behaves to me. He's got children he doesn't have to look after very often and he wants all the thrills and adventure of a single life.

You keep constantly telling us what a lovely, good, honest man he is. If he really is, he'll be prepared to listen to what you want and need too.

*TheMurderousGoose

I can believe that he has no intention of leaving the marriage, it’s just a case that he sees himself as the main character in the family with wife and kids there as pleasant diversion for when he’s on a break from army and adventuring*

Agree with this.

You and the dc are characters in his film
You are there to make him look like a normal person who can do all the adventurous stuff but still have a wife and kids waiting dutifully at home.
Except he has decided he needs to change the script and you have to play your part. Problem is you are not reading your lines exactly how he has written them.

Personally I would tell them he can go away as much as he likes and you are going to have your own adventures with who you like.
He can’t have everything so now he has to decide which means more to him. His wife and children or his adventures.

Yes, sadly, this. I think it's true of an awful lot of men.

I would agree to one and tell him to choose well as afterwards he needs to re-engage. And yes I would think about what dream I could pursue when he's back and giving me my freedom.

With a ten-month-old and a 3 year old, you are doing the lion's share, looking after them on your own for most of the time. I don't know what my 'advice' would be, but my instinct to the idea of him doing even more stuff away from the home – fun, exciting, stuff – while you continue to graft, was 'bollocks to that'. Looking after two kids is like climbing K2, frankly. Be careful that your desire to keep everyone else happy doesn't undermine your own personal happiness. Tell him No – maybe when the kids are a bit older, and can make their own toast, but not now. Take care.

My husband is also in the forces and I think yours is being a selfish prick. There’s a lot of things I now can’t do since I had children and I suspect it’s the same for you? My husband did do a week long golf holiday and had a fabulous time which I fully supported as he works hard to take care of us all, but he also massively pulls his weight with childcare and housework and he took months off work when I nearly died and needed emergency surgery. My husband would also support me doing a week away with friends. Neither of us would don’t be other going away for multiple weeks on a jolly acceptable because it isn’t! Not to mention- expeditions are expensive! Where’s the money coming from?! When do YOU get to piss off and leave him with the kids? I’m suspecting never?

@Mamabear04

I'd also be wondering if he can't be happy without the highs of high altitude climbing then maybe he has to take a look at his own mental health. I really feel for you.”

dont agree with that. It’s a hobby. Most people enjoy hobbies. Not everyone is happy and content with going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, going to bed all the time . Doesn’t mean they have mental health problems!!

Those sorts of expeditions don't just take a month or two to do either, there's months and months of training and preparation involved as well.

Parents are ideally involved in actually parenting their children, and a partner is a partner. If you never do any of the routine childcare stuff, dropping off and picking up from pre-school, bedtime routines, cooking meals, knowing what your child's friends' names are and what their interests are - then you're just an occasional visiting novelty. You might as well be a fun uncle who stays at their house a couple of weekends a year.

I wouldn't be happy with the father of my young children wanting to be absent this much or with the extreme risk to life element of his adventures. He doesn't seem to see that he has any responsibility towards raising his kids other than providing some money. I guess those are the roles you've assumed because he is in the army. You already do way more parenting than him and he simply can't disappear for months on end for a jolly.

This is harsh but to be honest it sounds like you've convinced yourself to just let him do what he wants. I would advise building your own career, interests and friends for when it falls apart because you explode with resentment, or he meets someone else on his travels.

My dad was a soldier. He took his role as a husband and father as seriously as his commitment to the army.

I absolutely get that personnel need ‘processing space’ etc. Planning/undertaking epic expeditions around being posted/going on tour is fine if you’re a single soldier. However, if you’re married and have made children: be mature, show your wife some respect and gratitude, and take your family responsibilities seriously.

I have often watched David Attenborough on TV and wondered how Mrs A feels about him going off round the globe. Not so much anymore obviously, but at one time, no doubt leaving small children behind too. Some people are driven and their life and passions come first. You’ve got to decide if that’s what you want. Personally it wouldn’t suit me.

I agree 100%! I don’t want to be mean as OP sounds really lovely, but a lot of forces wives make their entire lives all about their husbands. Every single post from OP is about what HE wants. I’m sorry but I disagree that he is a wonderful father. A good father would want to be home if he’s already away with work a lot. I would be truly devastated if my husband told me he hadn’t been happy since our oldest was born and I’d struggle to move past it.

OP where are your hopes/dreams/ambitions? Please stop making everything about this man! It’s not fair on your children. Dad gone 80% of the time isn’t ok when he’s choosing it. Partners should not have to ‘support’ the other at their own detriment! Do you go abroad just the 4 of you ever? Do you ever actually get any time away from your children?

This isn’t a forces thing, this is a him being selfish thing. I know many forces guys and if you asked any of them their proudest achievements they would all say their children. I find your husband so unbelievably selfish and childish. Me me me me. Stop facilitating it. Or your children may ask you one day why was Dad always gone and never with us?

He’s wildly successful, has actually changed our understanding of the natural world and contributed hugely to society and that is his actual job tho! This is a man wanting to get out of family life by pissing off on a jolly. David A isn’t comparable to a man who wants to piss off on random excursions of no value to anyone else.

"he always wanted to become a dad and is honestly very family oriented"

hes honestly not.

He wrote you a letter saying he's been unhappy since your first child came along. Absolutely NOTHING about that is family orientated tbh.