Out until 3am instead of 9pm

PinkRoses1245 · 27/09/2023 09:34

if this is a one off, it wouldn't bother me that much. regular occurance, that's an issue.

towriteyoumustlive · 27/09/2023 09:37

I'd be furious!

It's really rude.

What would he say if you did the same??

custardlover · 27/09/2023 09:41

I think these things happen and sometimes you just get carried away with the night. I bet he's suffering for it today though!

GingerIsBest · 27/09/2023 09:42

I think that there are a great many people who think informing the people they live with about their whereabouts is a form of control. I don' know if it's to do with how things went with curfews etc when they were growing up or what, but it's really frustrating. We were given plenty of freedom but if we were going to be late, we were expected to let our parents know, and that basic premise has followed through.

DH couldn't get his head around it when we first got together. It took me accidentally staying out hilariously late when neither me nor the women I was with raised how late it was as the restaurant we were at turned out also to be a bar with a late license. He was really worried I'd been hurt or attacked on my way home as it was so weird for me to be so late. He always lets me know now!

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 09:44

I would have said 'I would like a message next time' but he is a grown up

Sure I guarantee there are poster's who will come up with epic lengths sagas involve 20 ambulances and 300 police but again he is a grown up

InYourHeadZombieeeaeaeaea · 27/09/2023 09:44

This is why don't tell each other exact times. As pp said you can absolutely get carried away. You go out you come back whenever.

Torganer · 27/09/2023 09:48

If it’s a one off, it’s annoying, but I’d be a hypocrite as I have also done the same!!

FOJN · 27/09/2023 09:49

He's a grown up who can stay out until 3am if he likes but he told you he would be back at a certain time, was 6 hours later than he said, was uncontactable and thinks you are unreasonable.

Anyone who thinks consideration for the person they live with is unnecessary is probably better off living alone.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 09:49

I know it doesn't help you, but this is one of the benefits of being single.you answer to nobody, but yourself.

He should have let you know he was OK.

Siameasy · 27/09/2023 09:51

Probably should’ve let you know because you might be worried. He will probably realise after he’s got over his hangover

YeahNoYeah · 27/09/2023 09:56

For me, this would feel problematic...

At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone

Like why not just leave him to it at that point? Someone saying 8 or 9 and drink involved always has the potential to become later but they shouldn't be made to feel shit or watched for that.

But then obviously it got worse from there. Does he normally do stuff like this? Do you have kids? Nights out can change, spontaneous nights out are usually the best.

MrsJellybee · 27/09/2023 09:59

It’s a lack of empathy.

Thebigblueballoon · 27/09/2023 10:01

I’d have been really worried something had happened if my partner stayed out six hours later than planned and was unreachable. It’s not a dumpable offence, but I’d be pissed at the lack of consideration.

Yellowflower47 · 27/09/2023 10:01

Do you have children and will be now play the dying duck and lie in bed all day hungover not doing anything? If so, YES, it’s bang out of order. I don’t get why people get married if they don’t even want to be considerate.

Colourfulponderings · 27/09/2023 10:02

My stance for DH is go out as late as you like but let me know so I’m not worrying you’ve been attacked on the way home.

Londonscallingme · 27/09/2023 10:04

It's a bit inconsiderate as you might have been worried but I wouldn't dwell on it unless he makes a habit of it. If he does make a habit of it I would suggest he doesn't commit to a time he will be home unless he can stick to it.

Notquitegrownup2 · 27/09/2023 10:05

If his phone ran out of battery, he fell asleep or simply forgot - it's a pain but it happens. But he thinks he "shouldn't have to tell you if his plans change" - that would be a problem for me. He's treating you like his mother, not his partner! Partners look after each other. They are a team. If he can't be bothered to send a text, that's not so good.

If he can't talk about that without getting all defensive then hopefully one day soon, you will pop out of the house for a while and not come back for 6 hours. If he doesn't care then that's sad. If he does care then maybe he will start to understand that communication is an important part of a relationship and to realize that one text can be quite important . . .

NowWhattt · 27/09/2023 10:12

I couldn’t cope with that at all and not for one second because I am controlling. I would worry myself sick. Literally.
I am probably not normal in my response as I have severe Generalised anxiety disorder, so to me it would be utterly horrendous not knowing where my husband is.

Aside from my oddness as I am quite mentally unwell, I just think it’s courtesy and the right thing to do to let your wife know where you are and to respond to her calls or messages, even if you can’t answer straight away.

You know, thinking about it some
more, I would be furious with this: at the lack of empathy or consideration for me and knowing how I would worry.

Like I said, I am not normal in my responses but this would, I think, be a deal breaker for me. Especially if it was a regular occurrence.

ManateeFair · 27/09/2023 10:22

NowWhattt · 27/09/2023 10:12

I couldn’t cope with that at all and not for one second because I am controlling. I would worry myself sick. Literally.
I am probably not normal in my response as I have severe Generalised anxiety disorder, so to me it would be utterly horrendous not knowing where my husband is.

Aside from my oddness as I am quite mentally unwell, I just think it’s courtesy and the right thing to do to let your wife know where you are and to respond to her calls or messages, even if you can’t answer straight away.

You know, thinking about it some
more, I would be furious with this: at the lack of empathy or consideration for me and knowing how I would worry.

Like I said, I am not normal in my responses but this would, I think, be a deal breaker for me. Especially if it was a regular occurrence.

I'm really sorry about your anxiety issues, but you are in denial if you don't think you're controlling. You may not be deliberately controlling, but if someone being late home or forgetting to text you to tell you where they are is 'a deal-breaker' then that is very controlling for the other person. Their movements are essentially dictated by your anxiety. You may not be a controlling person by nature, but your partner is still being controlled if you can't cope with not knowing where they are at all times.

Anewest · 27/09/2023 10:28

YANBU, it's not controlling either. Controlling would be saying they need to come home/can't stay out past a certain time.
I wouldn't care if DP wanted to stay out late, but I'd want to know. Not even a definite time, but if it's going to be 3am as opposed to 9pm, a simple "I'm going to be out much later, don't worry" would be fine.
I'd be upset if I came in 6 hours later than planned and no-one batted an eyelid. Would worry me that if something did happen to me, no-one would think to check until it was much too late.

cushioncovers · 27/09/2023 10:31

It's a courtesy to let someone know where you are if they would worry about you.

NowWhattt · 27/09/2023 10:42

ManateeFair · 27/09/2023 10:22

I'm really sorry about your anxiety issues, but you are in denial if you don't think you're controlling. You may not be deliberately controlling, but if someone being late home or forgetting to text you to tell you where they are is 'a deal-breaker' then that is very controlling for the other person. Their movements are essentially dictated by your anxiety. You may not be a controlling person by nature, but your partner is still being controlled if you can't cope with not knowing where they are at all times.

Show quote history

This is really interesting. Thanks for your honesty. It’s debilitating but that’s a whole different story and I don’t want to hijack ops thread.

I do find it discourteous not messaging though, anxiety aside. Friends too have had similar experiences historically and they don’t have my issues and they’ve all said it’s rude- especially if their partner has read the messages but didn’t answer. I remember one of my friends was in tears because her husband came home the next morning yet had seen her messages she had sent him during the course of the night and he had not responded.

I guess it’s what works for you though and for some it’s okay . My sister in law and her husband do their own thing: that’s their business and they’re happy with it. He goes out till all hours and doesn’t tell her and vice versa. And they both seem really happy with their lives.

Horses for courses and all that I guess .

smallshinybutton · 27/09/2023 10:44

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9. I think this is where the issue all started. There is ZERO point telling someone when you'll be back if you aren't going to stick to it. After that it becomes a mess of texts, miss calls, worrying they've ended up in hospital etc. It's best just to not even ask when they expect to be home.

CampervanKween · 27/09/2023 10:46

I grew up at a time when you weren't constantly in touch with people, so this wouldn't concern me at all. I wouldn't want to be texted on a night out either tbh, I'm an adult, and like to be able to come and go as I please.

Ladyj84 · 27/09/2023 11:26

My hubby goes once in a while after work I really don't mind if the kids are ill he doesn't go but if there fine and he calls saying he's been asked out I say go for it and have fun cause all he does is work hard for us and when he is home he helps with everything. But he does also tend to say couple of hours but I know it's not literally meant so sometimes he has come in after midnight and we are all asleep and we see him next day haha. If it was a weekly thing I probably would be more bothered with having 4 kids but it's not plus I get to watch my fav tv program that he says is to girly lol