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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Out until 3am instead of 9pm

149 replies

Aibuq · 27/09/2023 09:31

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9.
At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone, 45 minutes later he replied saying "missed call will be leaving after this drink".

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine. He got home at 3am and doesn't think he did anything wrong as he shouldn't have to tell me if plans change.

AIBU expecting at least a simple message saying "I'll be back later than planned" or to answer the call when he's on his phone anyway.

OP posts:

JockTamsonsBairns · 28/09/2023 00:56

When DH and I first got together, in our 20s, mobiles weren't a thing. So it involved going to a phone box to phone the landline if either of us changed our plans.

We're in our 50s now. We're not big 'out out' folk any more but, on the odd occasion he or I go out with friends, we don't commit to a time for coming home.

I would generally expect him to get back at midnight-ish. If he was going to be much later, I would like to think that he would send a message out of courtesy. But I wouldn't be staying up waiting and worrying.

It helps that we don't have small DCs any more too. It would have pissed me off back then if he'd come staggering in at 3am, with the kids waking up at 6am.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/09/2023 03:15

The problem here isnt a DH problem but a Drunk Brain v Sober Brain problem. This I have seen with both sexes.

Sober brain absolutely will be back at 9 ish, half an hour each way max and will keep in touch. Sober Brain meant every word it said and is confident that it will do as it said. Except that by eight o'clock Drunk Brain has taken over and Drunk Brain is a dickhead. Sober Brain tries really hard to keep to its promises with messages when it can but Drunk Brain wont let it take back control. Drunk Brain finds it an even easier win if the host doesnt drink very often. Drunk Brain tells Sober Brain (who by now is asleep) that it will take care of everything, she wont mind, it will all be FINE!!!!!!! And anyway, its not that late.

Imagine the difference between getting a toddlers shoes on when they are happy and really want to go to the park and getting them on when the toddler in question doesnt want to leave Grandmas house and is having an epic meltdown. One can be reasoned with....the other one....not so much.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/09/2023 03:18

Drunk Steve

givemeasunnyday · 28/09/2023 04:16

There is nothing wrong with him staying out later than he said, but surely it wouldn't have been too much trouble for him to have sent a quick text to let you know. It's just common courtesy.

Inyourwildestdreams · 28/09/2023 05:39

I had this once with DH a couple of years in to our relationship and it did annoy me tbh! I really don’t care how long he stays out and if he comes home in a state then it’s his hangover to deal with 🤷🏻‍♀️ I had a word with him in the morning and just told him I don’t care how long he stays out but a quick message (especially if he’s told me a certain time) stops me from any kind of worry and means I can properly enjoy my night of peace rather than even giving him a second thought 😊

If I’m out for drinks and decide to move on elsewhere or whatever and stay out I always just send him a quick message “staying out for a bit. Probably be quite late in so don’t wait up. Will get a taxi”.

It’s just common courtesy in my opinion. It takes 2 seconds.

cookiedoughdough · 28/09/2023 06:14

I would have no issue with DH staying out until 3am providing he let me know he was staying out that late. Not from a controlling point, but I would worry about him if he suddenly stopped answering calls and messages for a few hours after he was due home!

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 28/09/2023 06:19

My ex once told me he was just popping downstairs (this was around 9pm), then came back at 2pm the following afternoon.

F0Xintherain · 28/09/2023 06:31

Not an issue for me but it depends on your relationship

Singleandfab · 28/09/2023 06:34

This is why I split up with my ex. Why do some people think it’s okay to go ‘out out’ with no agreement in advance when their ‘partner’ - the clue is in the word - is suddenly responsible for looking after the home/kids/pets for an extra 6 hours and not getting drunk and going ‘out’ at all. It is their behaviour that is controlling - not yours.

Can you imagine this kind of ‘partnership’ at work? ‘I’ve gone AWOL for six hours’ but it’s all okay because I’m here now at 3pm in a normal working day but no I didn’t answer any messages at all. You might get one warning and if there’s not a reasonable explanation and proof ‘I was taken hostage and my phone taken from me’ put on performance management and then, if you don’t seriously change - a dismissal.

Why is it not MORE important to share these details with your chosen life partner than your random contractual colleagues. It’s only because your husband/wife loves you enough to make those marriage vows so of course they are going to be going through the ‘Am I a widow/widower/how are the children going to cope/has he run off with a colleague/will I cope with life on my own?’ type of thoughts. That’s normal. You are NOT being unreasonable.

Duechristmas · 28/09/2023 06:38

It's just respect to tell the person you love with a rough idea of when you'll be back so they don't worry and can plan their evening.

fiorentina · 28/09/2023 06:45

I think it’s courteous to say that you will be late, day or night.

GameOverBoys · 28/09/2023 06:50

The problem with letting you know is the plan probably just didn’t change once. If he was going to stay local then he decided to head into town then maybe a text would have been nice. But he probably had ‘one more’ a few times and texting everytime saying ‘actually I’m going to have another’ feels like a chore especially when you know you might get grief for staying out. When I’m out I often get carried away and I don’t have a home time in mind. My DP knows me and doesn’t get worried but I’d hate to have to text or call several times with someone who is likely to be annoyed with me for having some fun. He’s an adult. Unless you were worried for his safety I don’t know why he has to check in.

frumpalertt · 28/09/2023 07:05

What absolute rubbish - you are not controlling. You aren't restricting his right to be out, you just asked to be kept informed, via a text that takes literally 20 seconds to write. He's been a dickhead.

pizzaHeart · 28/09/2023 07:14

Thebigblueballoon · 27/09/2023 10:01

I’d have been really worried something had happened if my partner stayed out six hours later than planned and was unreachable. It’s not a dumpable offence, but I’d be pissed at the lack of consideration.

This^
I can’t understand the concept being “carrying away” for 6 hours. Someone said above that he’s grown up so why she was bothered where was he? Exactly this he’s grown up so he should understand the concept of time and consequences of his action for him and other people. It’s very surprising ( and worrying) if he doesn’t.

Feralgremlin · 28/09/2023 07:15

For me it wouldn’t be the staying out until 3am, I have no problem with that at all, it’s the “I’ll be home around 8-9ish” and then radio silence. If I thought OH would be home at a decent time then I would have stayed up to have a catch up with him when he got home, if he had said he was going to stay out until 3am I would have probably made the most of an early night! But if I had stayed up and then by 10:30 he wasn’t home and hadn’t got in touch to say he was staying out I would be rather miffed.

Expecting a certain level of communication from your partner isn’t controlling, it’s just respect.

Sigmama · 28/09/2023 07:17

If drunk brain is a dickhead, don't drink, simple, not all drunk people are knobs

Owjrbvr · 28/09/2023 07:17

I do think these things happen but when you say you’ll be home then you’re not you should let someone know and apologise if you don’t. It’s about mutual respect. DH and I often don’t give clear times we’ll be home for this reason so if he’s out with friends and not back by midnight then I’m not worrying as I knew it could be a 10.30 night out or a 1am one

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/09/2023 07:18

CampervanKween · 27/09/2023 10:46

I grew up at a time when you weren't constantly in touch with people, so this wouldn't concern me at all. I wouldn't want to be texted on a night out either tbh, I'm an adult, and like to be able to come and go as I please.

So did I, but the expectation was that if you thought you'd be home by x time and the plans changed, you'd find a payphone (because they've existed for a LONG time) and just let mum know, because otherwise you might be dead in a ditch.

Coming and going as you please is all well and good but there's a certain level of consideration you need to give to people you live with/love/share a life with.

mummy21blueeyed · 28/09/2023 07:27

Absolutely 0 wrong in texting your partner saying hey babe I’m not going to be back as early as I thought I will give you a text when I’m on the way home and try not to wake you otherwise. He’d be sending out the search party for you I’m sure.

nutellacrepe · 28/09/2023 07:29

I would have been understanding if it was a one-off occasion, but I definitely would have been worried at 1.30am if he'd said he was going to be back much earlier.

Would have had talked about it with him the next day and told him how it felt. It's horrible to be worrying about someone. I think he should have messaged - my DH would have.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/09/2023 07:30

I really wouldn't expect an ETA - but 3am is really late. Ideally a text at some point saying he's going to be out late, don't wait up.

I guess the important thing is pattern - what's his normal behaviour. Lots of people wouldn't give a time and turn up whenever, nothing to worry about. But if it's normal for you to exchange several times over the evening, that's different.

Dh rarely goes out so it's more likely to be the other way round here. When i go out I must admit I do say I'll probably be back around 10 and I would text if it changed to 3am - though can't remember that happening for a loooong time!

Mothership4two · 28/09/2023 07:38

If any adult went on a night out and came back 6 hours later than they said they would without updating would be thoughtless and lacking in empathy for the other person. If he had told OP that he might be back late then she probably wouldn't have worried.

When I house-shared with friends we always let each other know approximately what time we would be back. It's not controlling it's having someone looking out for you.

Paintingonthewall12 · 28/09/2023 07:45

I would be super annoyed at this, not because im controlling and want my DH home because I would want to know if i should be calling the police for a missing person etc.

If I told my DH I was due home at 9pm but he couldn’t get hold of me at midnight he would
know something is wrong.

For me it’s common courtesy, I don’t mind him staying out but I just want to know he is safe

PuttingDownRoots · 28/09/2023 07:45

Its one thing to say getting worried about someone being "late" is controlling... but surely there's a point when anybody would start worrying...

3hrs?
6 hrs?
Not there in the morning?
Next evening?
Next week?

It takes seconds to send a "don't worry, I'm fine" message.

You don't know if someone's late because they are having fun or there's been an accident or similar. A few months ago DH was coming home by taxi when it was nearly hit head on by a speeding car going the wrong up the duel carriageway.... completely freak accident, the likelihood of it happening is minute... but it nearly did.
The police were criticised after the car load of teenagers went off the road and weren't found for a couple of days is another example of a freak accident.

Respect is easy.

Catsmere · 28/09/2023 07:48

All the "he's an adult" responses - yes, he is, so why is it too much to expect him to act like one?

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