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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Out until 3am instead of 9pm

149 replies

Aibuq · 27/09/2023 09:31

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9.
At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone, 45 minutes later he replied saying "missed call will be leaving after this drink".

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine. He got home at 3am and doesn't think he did anything wrong as he shouldn't have to tell me if plans change.

AIBU expecting at least a simple message saying "I'll be back later than planned" or to answer the call when he's on his phone anyway.

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 29/09/2023 22:57

Times I've been out much later than expected, same as DH. Message late in night to say having a nice time then not any more as expecting other to be in bed. We tend to get the gist that if on a night out and having a good time then will see each other next day (spare room for late come ins). Don't see it a big deal at all, just going with the flow.

chuckyegg212 · 29/09/2023 23:56

This really annoys me my DB does it but what really gets my goat is when he can't answer my text or call but is active online like wtf?!

chuckyegg212 · 29/09/2023 23:57

Exactly!

chuckyegg212 · 30/09/2023 00:01

SnozPoz · 29/09/2023 21:42

Your DH is being inconsiderate. I would be asking myself if he'd been off shagging, but maybe that's just me.

This.

Scotland32 · 30/09/2023 00:01

You need to go out and behave in the same manner…..and see if he thinks it’s an issue

carsharing · 30/09/2023 00:44

I hate that.
Wait two weeks and do the same thing.

CakeInAJar · 30/09/2023 01:26

I have to say I think curfews in a relationship are a very bad idea.

I have been on a night out with friends and ended up having such a good time I’ve stayed longer than the “Ill probably be in by 10” (ie a time you both know you aren’t sticking to 🤣) suggestion and rolled in at 2am. If my DH got all pious and declared I’d “done something wrong” he’d be getting told to fuck off

Equally if my DH wasn’t home by 10.30 I wouldn’t dream of demanding he comes home - what use is a half cut annoying man to me at 10.30 that he isn’t at 2am? My stipulation is if he comes in that late he sleeps on the couch - he has a tendency to be noisy and he also has a tendency to bring home a donor kebab 🤮so I want that smelly thing nowhere near me.

I do get it if you have plans in the morning or small children to get ready for the day, but just take in turns and you do it next time.

T1Dmama · 30/09/2023 02:04

My ex husband used to do this all the time, would say he’d be home by 11 but would then go to a pub that opened till early hours and end up staggering in blind drunk at 3am….. I cared the first few times, would worry he’d been beaten up or something…. But after a few times of him getting moody about me caring that he was ok, I used to just go to bed and not worry, usually I’d wake up at 8am and he’d be asleep on the sofa covered in spilt kebab or something! Sometimes he even puked ….
I’d just get up and get on with day and me and me and DD would shower and go out to do something nice…. He’d then huff about where we’d been all day and I’d repeat his nastiness back to him and tell him that he shouldn’t worry what we are doing…. And sarcastically say ‘sooo controlling of you to ask where we’ve been!!’

Problem is, when you’re told repeatedly that caring is being controlling etc you just eventually stop asking and stop caring…… I gave up…. Then suddenly I was being accused of not caring about him anymore…. Which was probably accurate as he’d done it so many times (worrying me)… that I did eventually stop caring and checking in with him to see if he was ok!

PandaExpress · 30/09/2023 02:36

Me and DH are homebodies, so we're not one for many separate nights out. A couple of times a year each, tops. I can easily understand how this situation would happen, it's something we could both potentially do if we got carried away having a good time. In that situation I'd expect a message/call probably around midnight. At that point, hes 'out, out' So even if he said he'd be home in an hour, I wouldn't be too fussed if he came in at 3am. Once drink is involved, time slips away.

LT1982 · 30/09/2023 06:27

YANBU.

He wasn't an hour later than planned, which can happen if you lose track of time, he was out all night and didn't have the respect to tell you even though you would justifiably be worried. It's common courtesty to send a simple text, you are not controlling.

Also who was he online messaging on 1.30am whatsapp if it wasn't you?

MrsLighthouse · 30/09/2023 08:34

l think it’s better not to give times of return when drink’s involved 🙄 l honestly don’t get the “worried somethings happened ! “ panic…? IF something bad’s happened, it’s already happened…what you gonna do ? They’re probably miles away so being able to help is a bit optimistic. You’ll hear soon enough if - sadly - there’s been an accident or incident. If they’ve just missed a train / lost their phone etc then that’s their lookout.

Cornettoninja · 30/09/2023 08:58

I think this is one of those things that highlight the difference in the male/female experience. (It’s a broad generalisation so no need for protests offering up differing experiences, I think it’s very recognisable to most women).

In my various groups of friends it’s not unusual for women to text (or ring twice if you’re if a certain age Grin) if you’ve parted ways in the journey home after a night out so the other knows you’re home safely. It’s not controlling, it’s part of having each others back. This mindset extends to people you live with - presuming you actually like them, it’s not unusual to want to have their back too. It’s not about control, it’s about being on alert to have their back should they need it.

Men, in general, aren’t educated with the same messages women are. They’re all amateur SAS in their own heads and it’s an insult to imply they could possibly be in a situation they couldn’t take care of themselves in.

This is also why doing the same back to them doesn’t always work. It’s different for women.

Cornettoninja · 30/09/2023 09:02

MrsLighthouse · 30/09/2023 08:34

l think it’s better not to give times of return when drink’s involved 🙄 l honestly don’t get the “worried somethings happened ! “ panic…? IF something bad’s happened, it’s already happened…what you gonna do ? They’re probably miles away so being able to help is a bit optimistic. You’ll hear soon enough if - sadly - there’s been an accident or incident. If they’ve just missed a train / lost their phone etc then that’s their lookout.

I agree with the premise that it’s probably better not to give exact times but we’re back to sober brain vs drunk brain.

You’re not wrong that there’s very little realistically someone can do if something awful happens, but most people would want to know and the opportunity to help them. Even if it was just a phone call with them or arranging taxis/money to get them home.

Barney60 · 30/09/2023 09:14

maybe he will start to understand that communication is an important part of a relationship and to realize that one text can be quite important . . .

This , taken from a previous post says it all.

gannett · 30/09/2023 09:19

SnozPoz · 29/09/2023 21:42

Your DH is being inconsiderate. I would be asking myself if he'd been off shagging, but maybe that's just me.

I think if the first thing you jump to if your partner is on a night out that goes longer than expected is cheating, the problem is definitely you.

It's advisable not to give times of arrival back if you're going out drinking, and if your partner is foolish enough to do so, you should take them with a big pinch of salt.

Can't really imagine having any other reaction to DP having a night out other than hoping he has a nice time, and I wouldn't expect the sort of hatchet-faced reaction of so many MNers if it was me having a night out. I would also find the extreme anxiety/worry rather tedious.

I say this as someone who rolled in at 2am from a lunch with friends this week. DP wasn't surprised, given the friends, and simply left out some ibuprofen and snacks for me the next day.

Juleslovesmaths · 30/09/2023 09:55

My DH did this when we were very young - I deadlocked the doors and he spent the night in the garden - he’s never done it since 😂

gannett · 30/09/2023 10:08

Juleslovesmaths · 30/09/2023 09:55

My DH did this when we were very young - I deadlocked the doors and he spent the night in the garden - he’s never done it since 😂

This feels more abusive than funny. If DP had ever locked me out I would have left him the next day.

VeneziaJ · 30/09/2023 11:09

I would have been worried too! After all accidents can happen to anyone grown up or not and a quick text or whatsapp to say he was staying later than originally planned and not to worry would have been decent consideration.

Rottweilermummy · 01/10/2023 09:08

It's the fact that he told you a time or he wouldn't be long , you can deal.with the fact if they say I'll be back at 03.00 and most people wouldn't have a problem with that , it's being messed about and worrying, like being rung up for them to pick them up and then keeping you waiting and then you get arsey and they wonder why ( yep fell for it on more than one occasion)

Ibizamumof4 · 01/10/2023 10:45

One off wouldn’t expect he was having fun, I literally never think about home when I am out and have definitely be known to do stuff like this as has my husband

Snowflakeslayer · 07/10/2023 23:01

Dodgy as hell. Come on, you don’t need MN to tell you.

KoalaChaos · 08/10/2023 00:07

I'd have a major problem with it but that's because I'm a worrier who always assumes the worst.
I don't care if you out all night as long as you say you're out all night.

One of the girls at work was 5 mins late once. She's normally very on time and in 2 years had never clocked in so much as 30 seconds late. I wasn't angry at her for messing up the shifts but I was about to send out a search party

"Omg it's country lanes from hers, and it's icy. What if she lost control of the car? What if she's in a ditch? She doesnt carry ID so she will be in hospital and they wont know who she is. There's roadworks on her main route so maybe she hit a curve wrong because it's not her normal route. Her daughter is ast school! We would need to tell her daughters father"

^^ my brain at the time. ( she had been stuck behind a tractor and a herd of sheep on the country lanes)

If DH was supposed to be done at 9 and decided to stay out without a "hey, having fun so gonna hang out till it dies down" message I'd freak out. After 6 hours late with no contact I'd be double checking funeral prices near me just so I was on top of things ready for when I got the knock on the door.

NoNoHellaNoNoHellaNoNo · 08/10/2023 00:10

If he told you that he’d be back for a certain time, then it would have been courteous to tell you that he would be later. That said, if it was a one off I wouldn’t have any issue with it - we’ve all had those nights that go on longer than expected.

Rosiee29 · 09/10/2023 01:28

I'd be raging. Stay out as late as you want, just tell me you are safe and update me on when you're home so I can sleep soundly.
Set that boundary asap

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